Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FF13
by Ame Shizuka
Summary: Lightning and Serah inherit a chocobo farm, they recruit Snow, Fang, Sazh, Vanille, and Hope to tag along. Little do they know it's harder work than they imagined, chaos ensues! FF cameos galore. Rated T for Total Randomness!
1. Prologue & Chapter 1

Welcome to my fic! This fic is cracklicious, but still obeys the laws of physics. Most characters have some degree of OOCness, expecially Snow (for the better imo). This world is a world where all FF worlds are one. That's right, Cocoon, Pulse, Spira, Zanarkand, Midgar, you name it. To be clear, this chocobo farm is the one from FF7, if you read my profile I explain why. Several FF cameos in future chapters. Please enjoy and I suggest you don't eat or drink while reading this fic.

Job Profiles

Lightning Farron- Co-owner, operations manager, security

Serah Farron- Co-owner, petting zoo supervisor, head zookeeper

Snow Villiers- Tour guide

Oerba Yun Fang- Tour guide

Sazh- Chocobo Ride technician

Oerba Dia Vanille- Ticket girl, customer support

Hope Estheim- Ticket boy, customer support

(Main Cameo #1)- Traffic Control, errands

(Main Cameo #2)- Head of security, payroll, accounting

Tales of the Chocobo Kind

Prologue: Chocobo Bill's Death

Lightning Farron sat in her home in Cocoon, watching the morning news on the T.V. She drank her morning protein shake and watched about the death of Chocobo Bill. Apparently his grandson, Billy, was hoping to inherit it but lost it to someone else.

"So Billy", the newswoman started, investigating the situation, "how does it feel to have your life's desire taken away from you?"

"Well, I've loved chocobos all my short little life. I loved feeding them, brushing them, washing them, and even picking up the poo! And now that I can't help out anymore I just want to kill the bitches who stole it from me!" Billy said

"Exactly who was that?"

"Lightning and Serah Farron."

FLASHBACK

"_No Grandpa! You can't die, not now!" Billy cried. When little Billy woke up this morning, he would have never guessed that he'd find his grandpa, Chocobo Bill, outside and drowning in the tiny pond the chocobos drank from. _

"_Sorry, sonny, but an old geezer like me has to die someday, and that someday is today." _

"_But grandpa, who will take care of the farm? I can't do it alone!" Billy was only 9 years old and barely knew how to count and drink through a straw; he wasn't capable of running the most visited chocobo farm in the world. _

"_Don't worry Billy, you won't have to do it at all. My will is in the bathroom counter, go get it…" Chocobo Bill tried to say, but was interrupted by his own death._

"_No! Grandpa, no!" Billy cried. He left his grandpa in the pond to rot and ran into the tiny, three-room home. He entered the small bathroom, which was painted an unpleasant brown color, and opened the moldy drawer on the counter. He grabbed the wrinkly piece of paper and read out-loud, "'I, Chocobo Bill, give my farm to the pink haired sisters who stole my heart…"_

BACK TO PRESENT

Serah stopped cooking her breakfast T-Bone steak and ran over to the TV. She couldn't believe what she was hearing!

"I loved the Chocobo Farm! Expecially that one chocobo Hector. It's been forever since we've been there. Why didn't we go more often?" Serah asked.

"Because Hector kept picking at my _ass_," Lightning said.

"Hey, hey, don't blame him. It's not their fault your skirt's the size of a postage stamp. So anyways… why don't we run the farm? You don't do anything nowadays, you just wake up, go mountain climbing, then come home to sleep! What do I run here, a motel!? So what do you say?" Serah said.

Just then, Lightning went silent for a few moments thinking about herself, the Great Lightning, riding a Great Chocobo, followed by a million more little chocobos as they roamed the planet and invaded the Lifestream...

"LETS DO DIS," Light decided.

"Yay!" Serah jumped up and down. "Why don't we have Snow, and the gang help us out?"

"You really want to take Snow out of rehab? You were the one who wanted him there in the first place." Snow had been in rehab for the past several weeks now.

"Aw come on, now that I think about it, a toothpaste addiction isn't THAT bad! At least it's not crack or something. He'll get over it later! I'm sure he'll be happy to get out of rehab and have some fun with us."

"If you say so...but you'll have to call him and the others yourself."

"Ok ok!" Serah said happily.

Chapter 1: Convincing and Bribing

Lightning and Serah were on a recruiting mission. To run the chocobo they needed help, and now they're going to call the old gang for assistance. They sat at the dinner table with the phone, a stress ball, and some aspirin.

First up: Snow

Serah waited anxiously as she heard the "ringie ring ring" on the line, waiting to talk to Snow who was currently residing in rehab. Serah had always imagined rehab to be a horrible place with straightjackets and torture chambers. In reality the rehab center was full of bouncy balls, fruit punch, and popsicles.

"Hi-ello?" Snow answered.

"Snowey bear!"

"Serah cakes!" Snow answered her back. "How are you sweet thing?"

"Good good! Guess what, my sis and I inherited that old chocobo farm!"

"The one with those creepy chocobos that kept molesting Light?"

"You know it! The owner had a thing for us, so we were included in his will!"

"Well ain't that great news! Say, when I'm finished with rehab I'll come over and visit you at the farm, ok?" Snow compromised.

"Actually, I was hoping you can help us out?" Serah asked.

"I'd love to hun, but I've gotten so far with overcoming my toothpaste addiction, it would be a shame to let all these weeks of not having been able to brush my teeth go to waste," Snow stared to have PTSD flashbacks of all the residents telling him his breath stank and to go brush his teeth.

"I'll give you 300 tubes of Colgate?"

"LETS GET 'ER DONE!" Snow agreed.

"He's still calling you a cake?" Lightning asked her sister after having hung up the phone.

"He calls me a lot of things!" Serah giggled; some of these other things included chicken wing, waifu, and McNugget.

Next up: Fang

"Sis, I really gotta go pee! You call Fang right now please!" Serah suddenly felt the urge to pee like a garden hose.

"No way! I'd rather you pee your pants than have her talk to me in her 'husky' voice again. I swear, ever since people have been shipping us she thinks that's a reasonable excuse to let out her inner lesbo," Lightning really didn't want to do it.

"I'M PEEING RIGHT NOW."

"Ok, just go!" Lightning decided. She didn't want to have to scrub the floors again, not after the Snow's toothpaste fiasco in which he thought it was a fun idea to make a toothpaste slip-and-slide in her living room.

As Serah finished her peeing, Lightning dialed Fang and hoped with all her heart that she wouldn't pull any lesbo moves on her (they always worked).

"Hello?" answered Fang.

"Hi, it's Light. We need some help running a chocobo farm. Would you help us out?"

"Hmmm sugar-plum, what's in it for me?"

"DAMMIT" thought Lightning. "You know," she replied, when in fact, Lightning didn't even know.

"Oh, THAT, I see. Hmm, sounds like a fair deal. I'll join ya then. Cheerio," Fang replied then hung up.

"How'd it go?" Serah asked her sister as she returned from the bathroom.

"I have…no clue what just happened." Lightning had no clue what she had gotten herself into.

Third: Sazh

"OH GOSH I NEED TO PEE AGAIN!" Serah yelled and ran off.

"Just go!" This always happened to Lightning; she was always stuck doing her sister's dirty work like doing all the science projects and selling the girl scout cookies. Nonetheless she gave up and just dialed Sazh's hut.

"Who what when where and WHY!?" he answered.

"Can you help Serah and me with our chocobo farm?"

"Why me?"

"Sazh, we're asking everyone."

"Including me? Why?"

"Because…. we think you can be a big help."

"Can I bring Dajh?"

"Sure, just meet us at train station and have your things ready."

"Why?"

Lightning hung up.

"How'd it go?" Serah asked.

"He kept asking questions, he must be on his new blood pressure prescription." She stood up from the round table and gave Serah the phone. "You call Hope."

"Why me!?" Serah asked. "He's been so emo lately! He'll probably keep me on the phone complaining about how he hates his life!"

"Whenever he even hears me talk he starts having convulsions and stuttering." Hope also has a thing for Lightning, except he was also terrified of her. He would have seizures when he looked into her eyes, stutter when he had to talk to her, and even poop his pants sometimes in her presence!

"Ok then…" Serah gave up and dialed the hopeless boy.

"Hello?" Hope answered sadly.

"Hi Hope, it's Serah, long story short my sis and I inherited a chocobo farm. Would you please help us out with running it?"

"Y-y-y-y-your s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-is?" He stuttered for a good 40 seconds.

"Yes, yes! Don't worry about it, she isn't all that scary! She wears bunny pajamas and eats cotton candy while watching Mexican soap operas! Well anyways, would you help us out?" Serah explained the real Claire Farron.

"I guess, it'll be better than staying at home. The neighborhood boys have been teasing me again, they throw rocks at me and say 'Hope is a weenie, Hope is a weenie!'"

"Ok ok, just meet us at the station tomorrow, bye!" Serah concluded, hung up, and shook her head.

She had to call Vanille next, and knew Vanille could be chatting away for hours on end…

FLASHBACK

_Vanille: And then I was like "No way you really think he likes me?" and they were all like "yeah totally girl!" so I was like "Ok I'll ask him out!" And they were like "He's totally gonna ask you to prom!" so I went outside and I was like OMG he was like right there! I was like super nervous and then I like walked up to him and I was like "Hiya hun! Anything you wanna ask me?" and he was like "Who are you?" I was like OMG I thought you liked me! I was like SO SAD and my friends were like "Guuuuuurrrrrrlllll he must be trippin or something!" and I was like "I'll never be prom queen now!"_

That night Serah was stuck on the phone for 14 hours hearing Vanille complain about being rejected by Noel Kreiss.

"Just be sure to get to the point and hang up when she says yes," Lightning advised Serah. Serah nodded and nervously dialed Vanille's number.

"HeLLoooooo~!"

"Hi, Vanille, it's me Serah."

"Hey Serah wassap! You guys like NEVER call me!"

"Well, my sis just inherited the old chocobo farm and we were wondering if you would like to pitch in? Snow, Fang, and Sazh are in. So what do you say?"

"Where do I sign up? I'd LOVE to!"

"Just meet us at the train station with all your luggage ready, we're all going to take a train to the farm," Serah explained.

"Great! I'm gonna bring everything! Hey, do you think I can be the captain and be in charge of all the chocobos? That would be SO MUCH FUN! I LOVE chocobos! They're the cutest little animalitos EVER!-"

Lightning took the phone and hung up; she knew Serah wouldn't have the heart to do it herself.


	2. Chapter 2: All Aboard

Hey guys, nice to see you again, I realized there are still a few things I forgot to explain. Everyone is their canon ages from the first game except Hope, he is 18 but physically he's still the small cute Hope from the first game. In this fic Hope, Vanille, and Serah all went to high school and graduated together. Vanille and Fang are still from Gran Pulse though, although that doesn't get mentioned until later chapters. Dajh also is younger, he's less than 4 years old. Enough with that, here's the next chapter!

Chapter 2: All Aboard

"SERAHHHHHH!" Snow yelled upon seeing her cute face through the bar window of his room at the rehab center.

"Snow! What is all this?" Serah asked as she peeked into his room.

It was like a paradise; the flamingoes were grazing, the waterfall gently cascaded into a narrow creek, and popsicles were scattered all over the ground!

"THIS is what I've had to pay for!?" Lightning said, shocked that she's had to pay $2000 a month for Snow to be detained in a sissy paradise house.

"This is my room! I hate it!" Snow answered he said as the guard unlocked the door.

"WHY?" Serah asked, in awe of all the little fairies flying around the room.

"There's no nightlight!" Snow confessed and tried to block out the memories of endless nights of hearing demonic whispers.

"Come on, lets get out of here," Lightning insisted.

They made their way to the front desk to check Snow out. The receptionist handed Lightning some papers to sign, she signed them reluctantly since she had just spent thousand of dollars sending Serah's fiance here only for Serah to give him 300 tubes of Colgate the instant they walk out the door. "Here," she said as she handed the receptionist the papers.

The security guards came out, un-handcuffed Snow and gave him back his shoes.

"My hands, my shoes!" Snow exclaimed.

They walked out the door to the car and Serah opened the trunk.

"MY TOOTHPASTE!" Snow yelled and grabbed 6 tubes with his hands. He broke off the caps and started eating them.

"Don't make a mess in my car!" Lightning warned Snow, whose face, hands, and pants were covered in the minty green Colgate.

"No promises!"

They arrived at the Timber train station, and went to purchase everyone's tickets.

"8 tickets," Lightning told the blonde guy at the ticket booth.

The guy at the booth replied, "No trains running today, Ma'am!"

Lightning was confused. "But on the phone, someone named Tyler told me there's a train leaving today at 4am."

The blonde guy understood everything now. "Oh, Tyler! Yeah don't listen to anything he says. He's a pathological liar."

"Tyler! Get out of here!" a man said and shooed the blonde boy away. "Sorry folks, that's my son, Tyler, he's a pathological liar. Anyways, 8 tickets you said? Here you go," the man said and gave them their tickets. The three walked away from the ticket booth and waited for the others.

Just then Sazh arrived with his little, cute, adorable son Dajh. "A GOO GOO GAH GAH WADAWADA WEEE!" Serah played with the teletubbie and he giggled back.

"Hey, where's all your stuff Sazh?" Snow asked as they noticed he brought nothing with him.

"Stuff?" Sazh said. 'We don't need stuff! Dahj and I can survive off tree moss and rainwater!"

Ironically, Vanille arrived carrying 6 luggage cases, one huge hiker's backpack, and a bucket. "Hey everybody!" she gleefully greeted and set down her luggage. At the sight of Dajh, she ran towards him and hugged him."A GOO GOO GAH GAH WADAWADA WEEE!"

"What's in the bucket?" Lightning asked Vanille.

"Oh! I forgot to show you guys!" Vanille realized then picked up the bucket for everyone to see. "My goldfishies are in here! They need CONSTANT care. I need to feed them every 52 minutes on the dot! If not, I'll be cursed and turn into a _crystal_. THAT is my focus."

Just then Hope arrived! He only had a backpack with him, which was stuffed with extra socks and underwear (just in case).

"Hi Hope!" Serah and Vanille said and ran over to give him a hug. He might be emo and hopeless, but he sure is cute!

"Hiya guys," Hope said nervously. Then he saw HER. He started hyperventilating AND sweating. A LOT.

"He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-eeeeee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ll-l-l-l-l-lo-oooo Li-li-li-li-ght-ni-n-n-n-n-n-n-ng," Hope told the girl of his dreams not knowing that a small pool of sweat was forming around his feet.

"Hi Hope." Lightning knew if she said anymore he'd have a seizure and they'd have to call the paramedics.

Just then luckily, _Fang_ arrived. "Well, hand it over" she said.

Lightning still had no clue what she meant, so she tried giving Fang her panties.

"No no, hun," Fang shook your head. "Give me your SOUL."

"BURN!" Snow said.

"You sold her your SOUL!?" Serah yelled.

"DAMMIT" Lightning said.

The train finally arrived right on time and was really crowded (despite it being 4am)

Serah gave everyone their tickets but realized they were short one. "Sis! We're missing a ticket!"

"Man," Lightning said, "I forgot to get one for Dajh."

"Don't worry about it!" Sazh assured her. He picked up Dajh and stuffed him in his coat.

"You're gonna smuggle him onto the train!?" Vanille asked.

"Why not? My mother used to sneak me into places all the time! Trains, casinos, Disneyland, you name it!" Sazh replied and zipped his coat up.

When the train arrived, they gave their tickets to the ticket guy. The ticket guy gave Sazh a "What the!?" look and Sazh said to him, "What? Maybe I had too much to eat! Or maybe I'm pregnant! You can't JUDGE me if you don't KNOW me!"

Hope was busy hating his life and got on the train last, only to find the last seat available… was right next to Lightning!

"Uh-uh-uh-uh—uh-uh-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bb-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-ut-uh-uh-uuuuu-hh-uh," he stuttered as he sat down.

Despite it being common courtesy to stay quiet on trains, the gang conversed loudly amongst themselves.

"Then they told me they were out of toothpaste! What kind of a pharmacy doesn't have toothpaste!?" Sazh said.

Snow averted his eyes and quickly changed the subject and started telling Dajh fairytales about magical moogles that could make every little boy and girl happy.

In the meanwhile, Fang tried to "socialize" with Lightning. "So you like fighting, eh?"

"Yes." She looked away.

"How about us two have a little fight?"

"No thanks." Lightning answered.

"You like food?" Fang continued.

"No."

"You like puppies?"

"No."

"Ok then." Fang concluded.

So the train ride lasted about 8 hours; Dahj took a nap like a good little boy, Snow and Sazh played "you punch me, I punch you," Serah and Vanille trash talked Noel Kreiss, Fang kept trying to make a move on Lightning, and Hope had passed out from blood loss.

When they reached their destination, they had to wait another hour before being able to leave to the chocobo farm. They could've gotten out quicker but Snow _had _to challenge some man at poker and _had_ to lose his pants, so he was now traveling in his underwear.

"Snow, why don't you get out another pair from your luggage!?" Sazh asked, covering Dahj's eyes from the horrifying scene.

"The zipper's jammed!"

So they all got into a buggy Lightning rented and traveled the continent. But on their way, they stopped again and Snow challenged some other guy at poker to win some pants, but ended up losing his socks and shoes too. That's right; Snow was traveling the world, without pants, socks, or shoes.

Then… they finally reached the chocobo farm!


	3. Chapter 3: Moving In

Hey guys! I decided to update early since this chapter and the next are fairly short, chapters get significantly longer starting in chapter 5 (which is when the cameos start). Enjoy!

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FFXIII

Chapter 3: Moving In

"How KAWAII!" Vanille exclaimed with glee. She dropped her luggage and hopped over the corral to pet some random chocobo.

As she did that, everyone else went into the small home.

They were wrong. It wasn't a small house, it was a tiny house. There were only three rooms: a kitchen/ living room, a bedroom, and a bathroom. Everyone dashed to the bedroom; there were only three beds. "AHH!" Snow screamed. "AHH" screamed everyone else as they took what they could.

"EVERYONE!" Fang yelled to get their attention. "Obviously no one can get their own bed. So how should we do this?"

"Well, the answer's OBVIOUS!" Snow exclaimed. "Serah and I get our own bed, then the rest of the girls share one bed, and the rest of the boys share the other!"

"Wait there's no nightlight here!?" Serah asked and she looked around the room. "Snow, you can't stay in here!"

"NOT THE VOICES! NOT AGAIN!" Snow said and crouched in terror.

"Ok how about this," Sazh started, "You two party animals sleep in the chocobo stables, where the moonlight shines bright!"

Snow and Serah agreed; they knew it was the only way to keep the demonic voices from haunting Snow at night.

"What's happening?" Vanille entered, covered in feathers.

"Ok then, that being done, Dahj and I should have our own bed," Sazh decided.

"That leaves 2 beds between my sis, Fang, Vanille, and Hope," Serah said and pondered.

"There's no way in Cocoon I'm sharing a bed with that Lesbo!" Lightning said and hid from Fang.

"Well I'M not sleeping next to a boy," Fang said about Hope.

"I'll sleep with anyone!" Vanille exclaimed.

"It's up to you Hope, you decide how it's done," Sazh told the boy.

Hope started panicking. He barely knew how to tie his shoes, let alone make this kind of a decision! If he chose to share the bed with Lightning, he would die. If he chose Vanille, Lightning would kill him. If he chose Fang, Fang would kill him.

"Uh-uh-uh-uh—uh-uh-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bb-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-ut-uh-uh-uuuuu-hh-uh," he stuttered as his entire body started turning red and shaking.

"So what's it gonna be boy!?" Snow prompted him as he and Serah ate their popcorn.

Now was the time, now was the time for Hope to become a MAN and stand up for what HE wants!

"Uhh…" Hope started.

"Yes?" Everyone said.

"I…"

"YES?"

"I CHOOSE LIGHT!" Hope declared and did that really weird exploding thing he did when he told Snow about his mom's death in the game.

"WHAT?"

"Are you sure!?" Vanille asked.

"DID. I. STUTTER?" Hope pointed out.

It was true, he indeed did not stutter! The gang accepted this fact and started gossiping.

Fang interrupted, "Wait one sec, I own Lightning's soul! And I say she sleeps in MY bed :)"

"DAMMIT," Lightning said.

And just like that, Hope's dreams were crushed and he knew he'd be crying himself to sleep that night.

They eventually put down all their things and went to the kitchen. Lightning walked up to the refrigerator and noticed it needed a key. She then found it glued to a magnet up against the door of the fridge. "We CANNOT lose this."

They then examined the bathroom, which was also small. "One bathroom for eight and a half people! Great." Vanille exclaimed.

After the little tour, everyone went about their own business. Serah stayed inside to cook lunch. Lightning, Sazh, and Dahj went outside to make a huge sign that would say "Farron Chocobo Farm," and Hope tended the chocobos. In the meanwhile, Fang helped Snow rip his bag open for some pants.

Fang stabbed the bag with her spear until it made a hole, they then ripped it open large enough to get some pants through. To Snow's 'delight' though, he didn't pack any extra pairs of pants, but he did have something else. Shorts; short-shorts to be exact. The kind go-go dancers wear!

"For the love of Shiva!" Snow whined. "Who packed me those shorts Serah bought me at Vegas?"

"That would be me!" said who else but Serah from the kitchen.

"Guess what bucko," Fang started, "you're lucky that you have something to cover your underwear! 'Cause you've got nothing to cover those stinky things you call feet!"

"Gosh dang it!"

On another part of the farm, Vanille was digging a pond for her goldfish.

"Vanille, what in Pulse's name are you doing?" Lightning asked noticing that she wasn't helping with the sign.

"My fishies can't live in a bucket forever you know!" Vanille replied, continuing to dig a small pond.

Lightning dragged Vanille to help with the sign.

"AH! My eyes! They BLEED!" Vanille screamed when she saw Snow in his short-shorts.

"Why didn't you say anything before? He's been without pants since we got off the train!" Sazh asked, covering his nose due to Snow's feet.

"Before? There was a before! No way! Thank gawd I didn't notice!" Vanille declared in relief.

"Snow, why don't you put on some shoes?" Lightning asked the baffoon.

"I only had one pair :( "

Back in the corral, Vanille had snuck away and finished digging her pond. She declared herself the Chocobo Princess and was now petting the golden chocobo, named Hector. "I love you Hector."

"Careful with that one!" Lightning warned her. "That one bites. ASSES."

"Awwwww Hector would never do that!" Vanille said and gave him some greens. This excited Hector. The chocobo ran to Lightning and bit her in the ass. "HECTOR HOW COULD YOU?" Vanille cried. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME."

Next time: The gang gets assigned their jobs!

If you're liking how the fic is coming along please review and follow! And if you have any questions about the story please feel free to ask and I will try to answer without spoilers and shout out to Mr. Francis York Morgan for being my first reviewer! I'm so glad you're liking the story and humor, and I am pleased to say you'll be very pleased with the future FFX cameos :D


	4. Chapter 4: Jobs

Chapter 4: Jobs

It was growing late, and the sun had set, so the gang went back into the living room of the tiny house and chatted a bit.

"Okay," Lightning started, "Feed a Chocobo Day is coming up soon, and we need to prepare everything by then. So we need to assign everyone duties for running this place."

"Who died and made YOU boss!?" Snow said angrily; there was nothing he hated more than not being the one in charge.

"Chocobo Bill died, honey! Remember my sis and I inherited this place, that's the whole reason we're all here!" Serah explained to Snow as if he was a 4 year-old.

"Ohhhh! You're right, Serah! The toothpaste must be getting to my memory!"

"ANYWAYS," Lightning continued and suppressed the urge to stab Snow in the face right then and there. "First we need to assign people to be in charge of the ticket booth."

Fang jumped in, "What are kids into nowadays? Emo boys and cheerleader girls? I say Hope and Vanille be in charge of tickets."

"Yay!" Vanille screamed.

"Wait one sec," Sazh interrupted, "Vanille's annoying, she'd drive everyone away and Hope can't sell popsicles on a hot summer day! These kids are hopeless!"

"Then what do we do then?" Serah asked.

"Unless Vanille pretends to be mute and Hope dies his hair black and starts wearing eyeliner, I say someone else should do it," Sazh explained.

"I can't die my hair! My mom would neuter me!" Hope said.

"Guys, guys, let's skip all this and start talking about ME!" Snow demanded. "I mean, I'M the one who's the real star of this show. I want to be the tour guide! ME ME ME!"

Lightning jumped in, "Snow, unless you get yourself a pair of pants, there's no way I'm letting you be seen by the tourists."

"Fine then!" Snow whined and cried into Serah's shoulder. He thought everyone liked him in his short-shorts!

"So it's settled then?" Fang said. "Vanille and Hope will sell tickets and Snow's a tour guide. I'll be a tour guide too, I mean, if it's alright with YOU my strawberry shortcake," she winked at Lightning.

"Yes yes fine fine," Lightning said. She looked over at Sazh who had been quietly changing Dahj's diaper on the kitchen table. "Sazh, you're good with kids right? You're in charge of the Chocobo rides."

"I sure am! I practically raised myself, AND my older brother since the day I was born!" Sazh said; he wasn't kidding.

"Good then, and you Serah?" Lightning asked her sister.

"I'll be in charge of the petting zoo," Serah supposed.

"And you Lightning?" Vanille asked.

"Ain't it obvious?" Fang said. "She's security. I think anyone would gladly love to be handcuffed and thrown in the dungeon by her," Fang winked again.

"We have a dungeon?" Hope got worried.

"Yeh! The _attic_," Fang said.

"All settled then!" Sazh concluded. He turned to Hope, "YOU boy, you need to dye your hair black TONIGHT. And be sure one of the girls teaches you how to put on some eyeliner!"

"Bu-bu-bu-but!" Hope stuttered.

"Don't worry," Serah told the panicking boy. "Vanille and I will help you out."

It was close to midnight so the gang got ready to go to sleep. Snow took some toothpaste with him and went with Serah to the barn to call it a night. Lightning told everyone to be ready to report for duty at 5am then she went off to go hiking in the nearby mountains; she took nothing but herself, a plastic knife, and a compass. Sazh went to bed with little Dahj and told him stories of the Great Depression. Fang was taking up the bathroom to wash her clothes in the sink so Serah, Vanille, and Hope went outside to dye Hope's hair.

The girls took the hose that was connected to the outside of the barn and began to soak Hope from head to toe.

"Ah uh ah!" Hope cried, freezing to death from the icy cold water. The girls began scrubbing his hair with black paint they found under the kitchen sink. "Are you sure I should be doing this?"

"Heck yeah," Vanille answered. "You're gonna look so bishounen!"

"Anyways, Lightning totally digs guys with black hair!" Serah added.

"WHAT!?" Hope screamed; this was new information.

"Yup," Serah said. "Remember how I told you she loves Mexican soap operas? Well, she always digs the guys with the black hair. There was this one guy, Ignacio, he was a total jerk! He burned down a pueblo and poisoned the pozole but she would always yell 'MARRY ME IGNACIO!'"

"Do you think she'll like me with my hair black?" Hope asked.

"Tooooootally!" The girls said. After a few minutes, they finished with his hair! "OMGGGG HOPE you look soooooo cute!" they exclaimed.

"But something's missing…"Vanille pondered.

"I know what it is," Serah said. "We need to shave off his eyebrows and draw them back on with eyeliner!"

The girls shaved his eyebrows, then tried to teach him how to put on eyeliner. Hope got it in his eye at first but finally got the hang of it! The girls handed him a mirror to let him see his new self.

"I look like one of those visual kei guys!" Hope said happily. He couldn't believe his eyes! At that instant Hope decided to become a whole new person and take on a whole new mindset.

Hope would change his name to Despair. He thought that by changing his name, he could change who he was. His eyes flared with his dark passion as the crow flew to oblivion, representing his youth that vanished in the whirlpool of desolation, an event that changed his life forever. That vortex was what turned him from lame to hot.


	5. Chapter 5: The Interviews

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FFXIII

Chapter 5: The Interviews

"GET OUT HERE CADETS!" Lightning yelled and blew her whistle at 5am.

"UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH" moaned everyone as they walked outside in their underwear.

"Get down and give me 300!" she demanded and blew the whistle again.

"UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH," they moaned again and got to the ground and started their pushups.

They finished the push-ups and argued what color to paint the house.

"It should be pink!" Serah demanded in her pink satin robe.

"Yeah!" Snow defended his fiance. He too was in a pink satin robe.

'We should paint it black!' Hope thought, but didn't have the courage to say out loud.

FLASHBACK

_At that instant Hope decided to become a whole new person and take on a whole new mindset._

_Hope would change his name to Despair. He thought that by changing his name, he could change who he was. His eyes flared with his dark passion as the crow flew to oblivion, representing his youth that vanished in the whirlpool of desolation, an event that changed his life forever. That vortex was what turned him from lame to hot. _

BACK TO PRESENT

That same night Hope had weenie-ed out and gave up the Despair act. Sazh however, noticed Hope's new look.

"Good job boy!" Sazh said and gave him a pat on the back. "It's boys like this that will bring all the Justin Beiber and Adam Lambert fangirls to the farm!" he told the others.

"What do you think Lightning?" Serah asked. "Doesn't he look like one of those visual kei guys?"

"More like visual GAY!" Lightning laughed.

"HA HA HA!" The gang laughed then chanted, "Hope is a weenie! Hope is a weenie!"

"Ah uh ah!" Hope cried.

Vanille interrupted with her own idea, "The roof should stay black and we should paint the house blue with white clouds!"

"Then it'll look like a floating house!" Fang made a good point.

_And thus they painted a floating house!_

At least Serah, Vanille, Hope, Sazh, Dahj, and Fang were painting the house. Snow challenged Lightning to some games of Go Fish to try to win a pair of her sweatpants.

"Got any threes?" Snow asked excitingly. He was almost going to win!

"Nope," Lightning replied. "YOU got any threes?"

"Darn, lost AGAIN!"

They both quit their game and started helping with the painting. And after a few hours of painting the floating house, they went inside the house for breakfast.

"How do you guys want your eggs?" Serah asked the group of idiots.

"Sunny-sidcrambled!"

"Did I just hear sunny-sidescrambled?" Serah asked Lightning, who was making her protein shake.

"Some of them want Sunny-side and others want scrambled, just do half-and-half."

So Serah made sunny-sidescrambled eggs. It was hard, it was painstaking, but they she did it.

"What is this crud?" Fang asked the second he saw the eggs.

"Just eat the half you want okay!" Serah told them, resolving a future conflict that she really didn't want.

So they eat their sunny-sidcrambled eggs, then tried to get into the shower. Again, there were nine people for one shower.

"I need the hot water!"

"I need to treat my split ends!"

"This dander has got to go!"

"I gotta get this black out of my hair!"

"You guys!" Sazh yelled to get their attention, "Why don't we have the guys take their shower in the morning and girls at the night?"

"EWWW! I can't wait 'till the night to get clean!" Vanille interrupted.

"It's only for a few hours, okay Vanille! Do we have a deal?" Sazh asked the group of idiots.

"Okay," they all said in unison.

"So which guy gets his shower first!?" Snow started another conflict. "My dander has GOT to go!" As he said that, Hope snuck into the bathroom and claimed it for himself :)

So the rest of the gang freely roamed the farm and cared for the chocobos. Lightning grabbed herself a celery stick from the fridge and relocked it. She then went outside to feed Garry some Tantal Greens, Garry is most mean, hotheaded chocobo there ever was. But, she forgot to close the door, so any chocobo out of the coral or barn could easily find their way into the home and destroy everything. As if that will happen!

She held the celery stick between her teeth as she gave Garry some Greens. Garry poked her in the boob and she ran off, in fear that HECTOR would too. She fled from the barn to the corral, forgetting to close Garry and Hector's stable AND the barn door.

It was only a matter of minutes until Garry ran out of the stables and found his way into the house. "NOO!" the group of idiots screamed as they chased after the chocobo. But when they got in, it was too late.

Vanille shrieked.

Sazh and Dahj pled for mercy.

Serah started tearing her hair.

Snow cried.

Hope stuttered.

Yes, it was that bad. Garry…

DRUMROLL

…ate the fridge key.

"That did NOT just happen!" Lightning yelled and tackled the chocobo and started to strangle it. "Spit it out!"

"What are we gonna eat!? How are we gonna eat!? Will we survive!?" Vanille screamed as she pulled her hair.

"I'll go get us some tree moss!" Sazh said and ran into the woods.

"I'll go hunt us some buffalo!" Fang said, took her spear, and ran into the woods also.

"I have all my toothpaste in the fridge!" Snow realized.

"Why in the fridge?" Lightning asked.

"Ain't nothing better than some minty toothpaste popsicles! Nothing I tell you!"

"So what are we gonna do!?" Serah asked. "We need to get the fridge key back!"

"Are we gonna go through the chocobo's poop?" Hope asked, hoping it wouldn't have to be him.

Snow got an idea. "I got an idea! We should hire someone to work on the farm. And have THEM do all our dirty work!"

"That's the first time I've ever heard you say something that wasn't retarded," Lightning applauded him.

_The next day…_

"Only three people showed up!?" Fang said.

"Hope, I thought you said you put 600 flyers around town!" Lightning told him and gave him a death glare.

"I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-id!"

Hope did not. He put one flyer up at a popcorn stand, tripped, and dropped the rest in a puddle.

The job interviews were to be held inside the living room; Lightning and Serah took the middle couch and the rest took whatever seat they could. The people being interviewed were to stand in the middle of the room and be interrogated.

Fang let the first applicant into the house. He was tall, blond, and wore all black. "Where do I stand?" he said.

"YOU STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. DO NOT SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO," Lightning ordered. He walked to the middle of the room and stood there with 9 pairs of hungry eyes on him.

"Ok," Serah said and fiddled with the papers. "So your name is Cloud Strife, you're an ex-SOLDIER, defeated Sephiroth twice…"

"Have you ever assisted a chocobo in the birthing process?"

"What are the best greens to feed an enraged chocobo?"

"You're driving and see a chocobo laying on the side of the road. Do you go out and help it, or roast it for dinner?"

Cloud got really confused with the questions coming from all the corners of the room. "Uh…uh, uh…"

Everyone turned their backs to Cloud and huddled.

"I don't like this guy," Lightning said.

"But he's totally your type!" Vanille said.

"He couldn't even answer these simple chocobo questions," Fang said in disgust.

"He can walk the walk, but he can't TALK the TALK!" Snow commented.

They turned back to Cloud, Sazh told him, "I'm sorry but you're out."

"What!? I didn't even get to-" Cloud tried to say, but Lightning got up and started shooting at him to get out of the house.

"Bring in the next person," she said.

Hope held the door open for the next person. "Thanks!" the guy told Hope. "I know, I know, stand in the middle of the room, I heard!"

This guy was interesting. He had a tan, flippy blond hair, and pants that were half pants, half shorts.

Serah began reading aloud his application, "Ok, your name Tidus, you're from 'Zanarkand,' you have no previous work experience, but you've volunteered as a 'guardian.'"

"Woah! You know all that about ME!?" Tidus asked.

Fang took the papers from Serah and skimmed over, "We know EVERYTHING about you. Your favorite popstar, your fondness for mayonaise, and your weakness-"

"NO! NOT THE DUCT TAPE!" Tidus screamed.

Everyone turned their backs and huddled again.

"I like this guy," Lightning said.

"What!?" Sazh exclaimed.

"He's totally not your type!" Vanille said.

"He SOFT," Lightning told them. "We can exploit him. Bend him to our wills."

"Ohhhh!" they said.

"Oh no!" Serah said, holding Snow, who was lying on the floor foaming from the mouth. "Snow's having toothpaste withdrawals!"

Snow started saying some odd balderdash. "Long live….Dalmasca…you're just….a _puppet_…..SIN…..IS…..JECHT!"

"MY OLD MAN!?" Tidus said.

"Congrats man! Welcome to the team," Sazh told Tidus and gave him a good slap on the back.

"Really? Woah, thanks guys! I promise I won't disappoint ya!" Tidus promised.

"Your first task," Sazh started, "is to go to the chocobo stables and disect all the poop that comes out of them chocobos. When you find the key, report back to us."

"WHAT?" Tidus asked, then left the room and started his work.

"Tell the last person that the job's taken," Lightning ordered.

Hope opened the door to tell the tall, black haired guy to take a hike, but was pushed aside instead. The guy stood in the middle of the room and introduced himself, "My name is Noctis, I really need this job, please hire me."

Everyone turned their backs and huddled.

"I LIKE this guy!" Lightning said.

"He's tooootally your type!" Vanille said.

"You wanna hire him just cuz he's HOT!?" Snow asked.

"No! Don't do this to me!" Fang pleaded.

"THIS is what I'm talking about!" Sazh tried to show him. "These "emo" guys are all the rage! He'll bring in so many customers!"

"You're hired!" Lightning told Noctis and gave him a hug. That was the first hug she's ever given since Serah was uncrystallized. She didn't even hug Serah when she was crying after being kicked off the cheerleading team at school.

Next time: The gang prepares for the farm's grand opening!

-end-

If you're enjoying the fic please leave me a review and tell me your favorite parts! (and lurkers please say hello, I wanna meet you!) Thank you Mr. Francis York Morgan and CustomEyes for being my loyal reviewers, you guys are awesome! See you all next time :)


	6. Chapter 6: Preparations

Note: I updated chapter 1 with character job profiles!

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FFXIII

Chapter 6: Preparations

"I found it, I found it!" Tidus yelled and ran across the farm and into the house and unlocked the fridge.

"YAAAAAAAAY!" Everyone said and ate all the food in the fridge.

"You guys!" Tidus realized, "Isn't Feed a Chocobo Day TOMORROW!?"

"Shiznit!" Serah said. "We're not anywhere near ready for the opening!"

"WHAT!?" Sazh yelled. "But I contacted EVERY SINGLE TV station in Cocoon to come and film tomorrow!"

Vanille started freaking out, "We don't even have a calculator for the ticket sales!"

Lightning turned to Vanille and Hope, "What grades did you two get in your math class in high school?"

"What's math?" Hope answered.

Lightning grabbed Tidus by the collar and got close and personal, "Listen here, if you don't run to the nearest bookstore and get a 1st grade level math book and two pencils and get back here within the next 10 minutes I swear I will duct tape you to the bottom of the pond and turn it into a pool for everyone to swim and pee in."

Tidus shook his head in terror and ran as fast as his petite Asian legs would allow him.

"That kid ain't so bad, glad you hired him!" Sazh said approvingly.

"Do we have enough saddles for the chocobo rides?" Serah asked Sazh.

"You bet my boots I do," he replied.

"Did you and Fang memorize the booklet for the tour yet?" Lightning asked Snow.

"Good news, Fang stayed up all night memorizing it word for word to please you. Bad news, I dropped mine in the toilet so you gotta flush 3 times instead of 2 now," Snow confessed. "Hey where's Noctis?" Snow asked to get the attention away from his mistakes.

Lightning exited the house and saw Noctis and Fang installing security cameras. "Where did you get the money for this?" she asked them.

"I knew a guy in college, I wrote his thesis for his master's degree," Noctis explained and continued, "He owns a spy shop now so he returned the favor by giving me security cameras and 3 cellphones," he concluded and handed a cellphone to Lightning.

"Thrifty and educated, I like that," Lightning approved. She saw that Noctis gave Fang the third cellphone and grabbed it from her hand.

"What no, I need that to text you goodnight selfies!" Fang pleaded.

"Heck no, I'm giving this to someone who NEEDS it," Lightning said and went back into the house.

"OOOH! A cellphone! Is that for me?" Snow said when he noticed the phone.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's for Hope and Vanille, I'm counting on you guys to answer the phone calls and give directions to the tourists," Lightning said and placed the phone into the palm of Hope's sweaty hand.

"Oh gosh, you know I'm not so good with directions, or talking in general," Hope said.

"We'll do great! Don't worry!" Vanille said.

Snow took Hope by the shoulders and looked him dead in eye, "Listen here son, if I only know one thing, it's north, east, south, and west. If you just remember that the sun faces north at 9am, you should be able to give people directions," Snow told Hope the only wise words he had.

At that moment, Tidus ran through the door hyperventilating. "I GOT IT HERE," he yelled and placed the book and two pencils on the kitchen table.

"Haha thanks," Lightning said and left the house to flirt with Noctis.

Tidus started crying. "But but but, she said, I only had 10 minutes. I ran so fast my legs felt like they were falling off. When it became too unbearable I found a guy sitting in his car and I threw him out and stole the car. That man had places to go, people to see, and I stole it all from him. I was so afraid of letting Lightning down, I committed grand theft auto. And when I reached the bookstore, the only 1st grade math book left was in the hands of a little girl, proudly telling her mom she was excited to start the new school year. I told that girl, 'school is for miserable girls who can't marry oil tycoons.' That girl had hopes and dreams, and I crushed them for this!" Tidus confessed.

"Aww Tidus," Serah hugged him and patted his back, "My sis doesn't mean it when she threatens people, the worst she will do is refuse to send you a Christmas card."

"Yeah!" Snow added, "When she found out I ate all the toothpaste in her house after she specifically told me not to or else I wouldn't be allowed over for sleepovers anymore, she just took away my Netflix privileges!"

"Look on the bright side," Vanille started, "You quite possibly prevented me and Hope from making critical mathematical errors for tomorrow. Come on now, Hope let's get to studying!"

"Ugggghh" Hope said. "Studying's lame!"

"STUDYING IS NOT LAME," Sazh yelled. "If I didn't have to raise myself and my older brother, I could have studied to become something great! I wouldn't have to resort to hunting endangered bird species for their feathers and risking federal persecution."

Hope gave in and joined Vanille on the kitchen table to learn addition and subtraction while Serah started sewing Snow a pair of pants. Although she could make him some pants she couldn't make him any shoes.

Outside, Noctis and Fang finished setting up the last security camera by the petting zoo. "Why do we need a camera here?" Lightning asked.

"You'd be surprised, parents think they can claim the baby chocobos attacked their children and start a lawsuit, next thing you know the police shut you down and charge you for 1st degree murder," Noctis explained.

"I swear once I get out of this massive debt I will give you a raise," Lightning told Noctis admiringly.

"_Why won't she look at me, like she looks at him_?" Fang thought sadly.

Night had fallen and everyone gathered inside the house for dinner. Serah made some spaghetti and meatballs and horchata. They started chatting with their new employees about their life.

"I heard you're a college graduate Noctis," Sazh started, "Why don't you tell us about how your education has gotten you further in life than you've ever imagined?"

"Yes, well I did my undergraduate at a community college and worked for a pawn shop, once I saved enough money I transferred to Yale to get my Master's in Criminal Justice. At the time I was working for a drug cartel because I thought that knowing both sides of the black market would improve my job prospects. I was arrested for transportation of narcotics and spent 3 years in federal prison. Now that I'm out I need to pay back my massive students loans," Noctis explained.

"That was NOT on your resume," Sazh said disapprovingly. "How about you Tidus, did you go to college?"

"No actually, my wife Yuna works as a preschool teacher and supports the both of us!"

Sazh turned to Hope, "Don't listen to these fools Hope, you go to college, you get your education, get out of here and become a man your wife and children will be proud of!"

Hope knew the only way to make Lightning proud of him was to stay in the farm, and do as she says.

"Serah, this spaghetti and Horchata is AMAZING!" Snow exclaimed. "You should make some for tomorrow and sell it."

"Not a good idea," Noctis interrupted, "you can't have any kids claiming they got food poisoning, especially on your opening day."

"You sir, are no fun, you are NOT invited to my birthday party," Snow told him.

"Are we positive we are ready for this opening tomorrow?" Lightning asked everyone.

"Yes!" Fang replied, "I set up the ticket booth, cleaned the porta potty, organized the chocobo feed, and put name tags on the chocobos."

"That's actually…really thoughtful. Good work," Lightning reluctantly told her. "We report at 6AM for attendance. DO NOT be late."

"But it's 11PM right now and I live 2 hours away!" Tidus protested.

"Your problem, not mine," Lightning retorted.

Next Time: It's opening day! How much of a disaster will it be?

-end-

Thank you thank you thank you all of your support! I'm so surprised by how many readers I've been getting, I started this fic for just me and my sister to enjoy but I'm so glad I decided to publish it here. I am currently writing chapter 17 and I am soon getting to a particularly fun part of the story so please look forward to many more chapters! Thank you CustomEyes and YorkieSheep for your reviews, it really means a lot to me!

A few things to clarify, Tidus and Noctis are permanent cast members, trust me they are a lot of fun and very valuable to the story. I had originally planned to fire Tidus but dear lord he is a beautiful mess, I cannot let him go. And please excuse me if I constantly misspell Dajh's name. Next chapter is very fun (with more cameos) so see you all next time!


	7. Chapter 7: Feed a Chocobo Day Part 1

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FF13

Chapter 7: Feed a Chocobo Day Part 1

"SAZH I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE HAD ENOUGH SADDLES!" It was 6AM and Lightning had just got back from her morning hike to find that there were only two saddles.

"I could have sworn we had six!" Sazh tried to explain.

Serah took advantage of this situation, "Sazh, you swore on your boots we had enough saddles, I'm sorry but you need to take responsibility for your actions and hand over the boots."

Sazh had never been more embarrassed in his life than this moment. Not even the time he had to pick up his older brother from school because he peed his pants was as embarrassing as this. Sazh's boots were his pride. He looked back at little 2 year old Dahj, whose innocent face understood nothing of this situation. Sazh knew he had to do the right thing for his son, so he took off his boots and handed them to Serah.

Serah was surprised he actually did it! She happily took the boots and started putting them on Snow's feet. "I'm a big boy now!" Snow said happily.

Everyone started setting up the final touches. Vanille and Hope put up the price poster, Noctis finalized security details with Lightning, Snow touched up his chocobo knowledge with Fang, Serah brought out the baby chocobos from their dens to the petting zoo, and Sazh disinfected the two saddles.

As Hope was nailing the price poster, the cellphone in his pocket started ringing. "Oh nO! Vanille, what do I do!?"

"Pick it up silly! Remember what we practiced last night!" She answered him.

"Hel-l-lo, this is the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, where our chocobos son tus chocobos, h-how can I help you?" Hope recited.

"Hope? Thank God you picked up and not Lightning! It's Tidus, I'm running late, the traffic here is CRAZY!" Tidus said.

"Oh Tidus! Sorry to hear that," Hope replied.

"Yo, did Lightning say anything about me being late? Did she mention anything about getting me neutered? Cuz that's what she told me last night," Tidus said.

"Oh Lightning? She didn't even mention you, she probably forgot you existed, you see Sazh screwed up big time. You want me to tell her you're still on your way?" Hope said.

"nO GOD NO, ok just don't mention me at all, hopefully she won't notice me arriving late. I can't believe this! I had Yuna call-in sick to her preschool so she could drive me here at 4AM and I'll probably still get fired!" Tidus complained.

"Why is there so much traffic?" Hope asked.

"I kid you not, I think all these people are going to the farm! I see families with kids holding chocobo plushes!"

"Are you serious? Oh man, ok catch you later," Hope said and hung up.

"What happened?" Vanille asked.

Hope hated lying, "O-o-oh, nothing-g, it was just my mom…making sure…I didn't forget to take… my testosterone pills."

Noctis came over to the ticket booth, "Ok, so I put this gate right here next to the booth so no one can sneak in, one of you needs to stay right at the gate to let people in one-by-one, they need a ticket to get through the gate, no exceptions. The only people that can get through without a ticket are employees, and employees must be wearing a Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm hat, no exceptions. And re-entries are not allowed. Remember I set up a camera here so if anyone, I mean anyone, breaks the rules they will be identified, persecuted, and incarcerated in our chocobo jail."

"Got it!" Vanille answered, "Hope, I wanna be the one at the gate, can you handle the ticket sales yourself?"

"Uuuhhhh…"

"GREAT!"

It was getting close to opening time, 7AM, so everyone took their positions. At the stroke of 7, the masses started showing up and making a mess in the parking lot. To avoid lawsuit, Noctis was sure to put up a sign in the parking lot that said, "We will NOT be held responsible for vehicular damage or loss."

People started running to the ticket booth to be first in line. Vanille got too excited joined Hope at the booth, "WELCOME TO THE FARRON SISTERS'CHOCOBO FARM, WHERE OUR CHOCOBOS ARE YOUR CHOCOBOS, how many tickets?"

"Two adult and two children," The parent answered.

Hope knew that each adult ticket was $10, and children were $5, and free under age 1. He took a look at the school-age kids and tried to do the math in his head. "That will b-b-be $15."

"Wow what a deal!" the parent said and handed Hope a $20 bill. Hope put the $20 into the register and gave the parent back a $10 bill.

"T-t-thanks and h-have fun." Hope said. Vanille ran back to the gate to take the family's tickets and let them in. "Welcome to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, how many tickets?"

"Two tickets please!" The blacked hair man answered holding his brunette partner's hand.

"Ooooh my gOOssH! It's Zack Fair! I'm a huge fan!" Hope told him.

"Always nice to meet a fan!" Zack told him, "I'm here with my girlfriend Aeris for a sweet date!"

"It's an honor to have you visit! That will be $40." Hope told Zack. Zack gave the boy the $40 and Hope gave him back $20. 'This is going really well!' Hope thought to himself.

The next party in line were three teenage looking kids. Hope couldn't stop staring at them, they weren't gorgeous or anything, they just had extremely spikey hair and ENORMOUS feet.

"W-welcome, how many tickets?" Hope almost forgot to ask.

"Are you BLIND? Three you idiot!" The silver haired one answered.

"Uuh, ok, that will be $15"

The red haired girl started taking out her wallet until she was interrupted, "Yo Kairi, don't you even dare! I got this!" the brown haired one said and took out $15 from his shoe.

"Thanks and have fun," Hope told them and took out some hand sanitizer. At that moment the phone rang and Hope saw that he got a text message. 'Oh no, it's Lightning!'

"How are things going?" her text said.

"Gr8! Many ppl, rong line," Hope answered quickly to get back to the customers.

A few minutes later Lightning showed up at the ticket booth, "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?" She demanded.

"N-n-n-n-nothing! I'm just trying to get these customers through!" Hope tried to explain himself.

"You texted me saying there were many people in the wrong line!"

"N-n-no! Many people, long line!"

"You're switching with Vanille," she said and forced them to trade places.

It was almost 7:30, which meant that the first tour for the day was about to take off. Snow and Fang waited outside the long tour shuttle as the seats were filling up. Snow and Fang finally entered the shuttle and took the intercom piece, "Hello friends and family," Fang started, "welcome to the Farron-"

"YEAH YEAH we get it! Your chocobos are our chocobos!" The silver haired boy named Riku yelled.

"Hey hey!" Snow said as he took the intercom, "let's play nice, kids. How about this, let's go around and introduce ourselves! My name is Snow, I love chocobos and you should too! Who wants to go next?"

"I will!" Zack said and stood up from his seat near the front, "My name's Zack, I'm a First-Class Soldier, and I'm here with my gorgeous girlfriend Aeris!"

Snow got angry, "OK, I don't know who you are, or what you're trying to do, but how about you stop being a SHOW OFF?"

"I was just-!"

"No you were NOT, you and your gal to the BACK of the shuttle, NOW!" Snow demanded and handed back Fang the intercom as he revved up the engine and started driving the shuttle.

Fang started her monologue, "Let's get started folks, Chocobos are a breed of flightless birds, characterized by their yellow feathers, distinct odor, and the unforgettable chirp, "kweh!" Domesticated for their gentle nature and quick feet, they are often used as a mode of ground transportation. To your right you will see our chocobo barn, where we house our chocobos, and care for the ill."

"Hey, look Kairi!" Sora said as he activated his Heelys and grabbed the side rails and jumped over.

"Hey hey! Safety first! Get back into the shuttle!" Fang warned.

"Come on Fang! Kids will be kids!" Snow defended the boy.

"Excuse me! My girlfriend has a question!" Zack yelled from the back, waving his arms back and forth.

"Yes, what is your question?" Fang asked into the intercom.

"I was just wondering how many chocobos can fit in the barn," Aeris asked.

"Sorry, can you please repeat that?" Fang asked, not even sure where the sound of Aeris's voice was coming from.

"Don't worry babe, I gotcha," Zack told Aeris and stood up, "She said she wanted to know how many chocobos can fit in the barn!"

Snow got furious and slammed the shuttle to a sudden halt. He stood up and grabbed the intercom from Fang, "Listen here, I've already warned you, please keep your inappropriate comments to YOURSELF, there are CHILDREN aboard who are trying to LEARN and have a good time, so please control yourself or I will have to kick you off this shuttle!"

Zack looked at Snow so confused about the situation but didn't want to cause a bad scene for his girlfriend, so he just sat back down and apologized profusely to her.

Next time: Opening day continues! Will anyone notice Tidus is missing?

-end-

Too much craziness I had to split this into two chapters, so look forward to the next one! I'm sorry about the mix up last week, I said I had updated chapter 1 with character profiles but I didn't realize there's an extra step when updating an already uploaded chapter (you guys who are authors will know what I mean) but that's corrected now. And always thank you to Custom Eyes and Mr. Francis York Morgan for reviewing! It really helps me to know what other people think of the characters. See you all next time!


	8. Chapter 8: Feed a Chocobo Day Part 2

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FF13

Chapter 8: Feed a Chocobo Day Part 2

"Anyone doing anything illegal?" Lightning asked Noctis as she entered the security suite, aka the living room of the house. Noctis hooked up the security cameras to transmit the video to the television in the living room, with the remote you could switch between cameras.

"Well, I saw a kid eating the chocobo feed, but technically that's not against the rules," he answered. "Is that kid riding his heely's alongside the shuttle?" he asked after he switched to the camera outside the barn. A few moments later they saw the shuttle come to a sudden stop and Snow's huge Viking body was visibly getting enraged.

Lightning just shook her head in disappointment and slumped onto the couch. "Hey, what's wrong?" Noctis asked her.

"Everything's going wrong," she confessed, "I spent so much money for this place and all I wanted was for our opening day to go alright."

"It's only been half an hour, don't get so disappointed until the end of the day."

"It's already been half an hour and Hope's already screwing up, we don't have enough saddles, I know Snow's gonna get physical with someone, that's just a matter of time. And I can't help but have a feeling that something is missing."

Back at the ticket booth, Tidus came running to the gate. "Tidus! You're finally here!" Hope said.

"Yeah! Yuna dropped me off at the freeway exit and I came running!" Tidus explained and tried to get through the gate.

"Dude, where's your employee's hat!?" Hope asked him when he saw Tidus's sweat-soaked hair.

"Oh man! I must have left it in my wife's car! Why do you ask?"

"Noctis specifically said you MUST have a ticket to get through the gate if you don't have an employee's hat," Hope tried to explain.

"Just let me in! Before anyone notices I wasn't already here!" Tidus pleaded.

"But Noctis put a security camera RIGHT HERE!" Hope pointed to the camera; however Noctis and Lightning were still watching the mess at the tour shuttle unfold.

"So you're telling me, I have to get in that HUGE line, that reaches all the way to the freeway exit, just to GET a ticket, to get through this gate, to get to work and pray that nobody noticed I'm late!?"

"I'm sorry dude, there's nothing I can do!" Hope responded. Tidus gave up and ran back to the freeway exit to get in line.

Back at the tour shuttle, Snow had calmed down and started the engine again and drove the passengers into the barn itself. "Now, if you look to your left and right, you can see the stables where our chocobos reside," Fang commented, then she saw in one of the stables some blankets, clothing, and Dahj sleeping in a corner. "Snow! You and Serah forgot to put away your stuff!" she covered the intercom and told Snow.

"Easy, just tell them that Chocobos are known to steal clothing, and naughty children!" Snow cleverly answered.

"Chocobos…are known to steal clothing…and naughty children."

"You hear that Sora? You better not be mean to Kairi!" Riku teased his friend.

"I'm not a child! I'm 16!" Sora answered.

"If you bought a children's ticket, you are a child, and subject to the judgement of the chocobos," Fang teased them. "Now, to your right you will see the supply room where we store all of the chocobo greens. Greens are the chocobos' typical food and come in many varieties, Gysahl Greens being the most common, and sometimes being available as an item to call them for a mount on the world map."

"ANOTHER QUESTION!" Zack yelled again from the back. "My girlfriend is a nurse and can't help but notice that these chocobo greens look like lettuce, cabbage, and kale, yet you are charging us $10 a piece to feed it to them at the petting zoo."

Snow had enough of this nonsense and stopped the shuttle again. He exited and performed the distress hand signals into the security camera placed inside the barn to summon security.

Moments later Noctis and Lightning ran into the barn. "What's wrong?" Noctis asked.

"I have two passengers on board that are possible terrorist threats, one may or may not be acting as a decoy while the other may or may not be making inappropriate comments in this family friendly facility," Snow explained. He led them to Zack and Aeris and demanded that they exit the shuttle.

"What's going on?" Aeris asked as they were handcuffed.

"You'll be answering some questions for us in our security office," Noctis explained. He and Lightning led the couple to the house for interrogation.

Lightning took out a police report sheet and started asking the man, "Your first and last name?"

"Zack Fair."

"THE Zack Fair? I'm a huge fan!" she told him.

"I'm always happy to meet a fan!" he answered back.

"You ma'am?" Noctis asked Aeris, he couldn't care less if fal'Cie were sitting in front of him, a criminal was a criminal.

"Aeris Gainsborough, well legally I'm Aerith but I prefer Aeris."

"Now tell me about what happened," Noctis asked.

"WELL," Zack started, "It was 2AM and I still couldn't go to sleep because all the Mako in my body was taking its toll on me, so Aeris and I went to the pharmacy and we saw a poster advertising Feed a Chocobo Day! We thought, 'hey, we're not gonna be sleeping anyways, let's leave right now to be the first ones in line!' We almost got in a massive 5 vehicle crash in your parking lot, then when we finally got in line, the nicest little boy gave us our tickets and a wonderful little girl with the most beautiful red hair I've ever seen let us in. Aeris's feet were getting swollen so we decided to catch the tour first. The Middle Eastern lady was fantastic and smart and had the most beautiful accent I've ever heard, then the driver got mad at me for introducing myself and asking valid questions!"

"Get out of here!" Lightning yelled at them. Noctis showed them out the door then threw away the police report sheets. "Note to self, just start pretending Snow doesn't exist," she told herself.

It was almost 8:30, which meant the tour was coming to an end. Snow drove the shuttle by the pond and stopped at the petting zoo. "Well folks, our tour has come to an end," Fang started saying her goodbyes, "be sure to visit the petting zoo to see our baby chocobos and feed them some greens!"

Snow took the intercom from her, "My fiancé runs the petting zoo, don't you dare comment on her acne scars and be sure to tip her or something cus she still owes her sister thousands of dollars for my time in rehab."

The tourists exited the shuttle and ran to the petting zoo. "Our next tour doesn't start for half an hour, wanna go visit Sazh or something?" Fang suggested.

"I would rather visit Serah, but ok!"

They saw a huge line by the corral and assumed that must be for the chocobo rides. "That will be $5!" Sazh demanded the parent for their child's ride.

"I thought the rides were free!" the parent tried to protest.

"The day my people are free will be the day these rides are free!"

"Yo Sazh, what's with this huge line!" Snow asked, amazed by the impatient children crying and throwing a fit as far as the eye could see.

"The line's getting backed up since I only got 2 saddles! And ain't no way I'm letting the kids ride without a saddle, the chocobo feathers turn green when exposed to urine and feces," Sazh explained.

"Does Lightning know you're charging these people?" Fang asked.

"I'll give you both $10 to keep your mouth shut!" Sazh answered as he quickly threw a child off the saddle and slammed the next child in.

"You are TOO nice!" Snow said. "Hey, me and Fang have 30 minutes till our next tour, let us take care of this till then! You deserve a break, and you are DEFINITELY invited to my birthday party."

"Thank the lord!" Sazh exclaimed and left before Fang could try to protest. He decided to visit his teens at the ticket booth. He saw Hope standing at the gate, "How's my mathematician doing?"

"This is terrible! There's no shade here and my feet are killing me! Vanille and I haven't had a break in almost two hours! And there's a security camera right there watching my every move!" Hope complained.

"This is the life you choose when you decide to not go to college! Minimal skills lead to minimal wage, and minimal benefits. Fang and Snow studied their brains off memorizing material for the chocobo tour, and they get to ride in a nice vehicle, and have 30 minute breaks! And boy don't even start on aching feet, at least you still got your boots," Sazh lectured Hope. He was tough, because he cared.

Back at the petting zoo Serah was having a great time! After 8:30 people stopped commenting on her acne scars and started giving her tips! Serah loved the baby chocobos and she loved the children too, this was a dream job for her.

A silver haired boy approached her, "Ok, I'm trying to impress my friend Kairi, is there anyway I can buy one of these baby chocobos from you?"

She really wanted to say yes, since she owed her sis so much money, but replacing a baby chocobo would cost even more money. "I'm so sorry, that's against the rules, how about you buy some greens so she can feed the babies?"

The brunette boy Sora butted in, "That's fantastic! I'll take 10 greens!" he said and took out a hundred dollar bill from his man purse. "Yo Kairi, let's have some fun with the baby chocobos!" he told his crush, who was too busy feeding her Tamagotchi to notice how much money he just blew trying to impress her.

Serah noticed their enormous shoes, "Excuse me, please remove your shoes before you enter the pen."

"Sure!" Sora said. He and Kairi removed their shoes; their feet and toes were humongous, even bigger than Snow's, Serah could not believe her eyes. The two teenagers entered the pen and started accidentally stepping on the baby chocobos.

"No! Please stop! Look before you step!" Serah cried out as she saw the babies screaming.

Before they realized, it was suddenly 6PM and it was time to close the farm. Tidus was still in line and Hope and Vanille had a very hard time trying to explain that the farm was closing and people had to go back home. After the crowds had dispersed and the security cameras shut down, Tidus helped Hope and Vanille lock up the entrance.

"I haven't seen you all day Tidus!" Vanille commented.

"Well you know, I was CRAZY busy!" Tidus lied.

Next time: The gang discusses the mess of their opening day, how much did Hope screw up the ticket sales?

-end-

If you're liking how the story is going please leave me a review and follow the story! :D

Thank you CustomEyes for being this fic's #1 fan! :D

Just to clarify, Cloud will be appearing again later (with Tifa and more ff7 characters); FF12 cameos will be saved for a specific part of the story which I have not written yet.

EDIT: sorry guys, it looks like the website is not letting me put the url for the poll :(


	9. Chapter 9: Reflections

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FF13

Chapter 9: Reflection

Opening day was over, and the gang gathered in the house to have dinner and reflect on the day. Lightning didn't want to waste any money for dinner so she told Serah to serve the left-over chocobo greens, which were just lettuce, cabbage, and kale.

"Ewww, I ain't eating no chocobo feed! I need a man's meal!" Snow tried to protest as he took his plate of food and dumped it in the trash. Sazh retrieved the food from the trash and put it in his pockets to save for another day, another struggle.

"But babe," Serah told Snow, "It's lettuce and cabbage and kale! It's good for you, and makes your muscles strong!"

"But does it rebuild enamel, and prevent cavities like my toothpaste?" Snow insisted.

After everyone except Snow settled down with their plates, Lightning started the conference. "How many tickets did we sell and how much money did we make?" she asked Vanille and Hope.

Vanille started, "We sold 123 adult tickets and 254 children's tickets!"

"And we made $500!" Hope said with excitement.

"WHAT!?" Lightning yelled after she instantly did the math in her head and got up and pointed her gun at Hope. "If you don't tell me right now that you just forgot the rest of the money under your bed or something I swear I will pull this trigger and tell your mom you died of an STD."

"I forgot the rest of the money under my bed!" Hope quickly lied and ran to the bedroom. He knew that only thing under his bed that he shared with Vanille was her seashell collection. He had to think fast to cover up the fact that he undercharged everyone and gave them back too much change.

Sazh sneaked into the bedroom, "You hopeless boy!" he told Hope, then took out the $2000 he made from the chocobo rides. "I'm giving you this money, but you're gonna promise me you won't screw up again and that the first thing you do when you get out of here is go to college!"

"I p-p-promise!" Hope couldn't believe he was able to escape this mess. They went back into the kitchen. "I did forget it under the bed!" Hope said and gave the money to Noctis, who then put it in a safe with 4 locks.

"And how much money did we make at the petting zoo?" Lightning proceeded to ask her sister.

"We made $1,000!" Serah said, not mentioning that she made double in tips. "One suggestion though, I think we need a shoe size requirement to get into the pen, like people over size 15 shouldn't be allowed."

"If they're paying, they're staying," Lightning answered, "_Fang, _how did the tours go?"

Fang's heart skipped six beats, "Fantastic, I still think a whole hour is too long for a tour of this tiny place but I wouldn't mind doing it again."

"I THINK-" Snow started-

Lightning cut him off, "The rides, Sazh?"

"Miserable!" Sazh said.

"Hey! It was MY turn!" Snow tried to interrupt.

Lightning just ignored him and moved on to Tidus, "And where were YOU?"

She asked this as a legitimate question, since it was the first time she's seen him all day, but Tidus took it the wrong way. "I was EVERYWHERE! Especially the parking lot, I was there all day," he lied, knowing that there weren't any security cameras in the parking lot to prove otherwise.

Snow turned to his fiancé, "She did NOT just ignore me!"

"Maybe she didn't hear you? Or didn't…see you?" Serah lied, she knew how fed up her sister was with Snow.

"HEY SIS! I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! CLAIRE FARRON!" Snow said as he stood up and started jumping up and down on top of his chair and waving his coat back and forth like a flag.

Lightning didn't even flinch, she wanted to tell him, 'I'm not your sis, and don't call me by my slave name,' but she knew that was exactly what he wanted to hear. "Meeting dismissed, we report at 6AM tomorrow," she said instead.

"Do you mind if I'm a few hours late? I gotta touch up my roots with my hair stylist," Noctis asked her.

"Yeah sure haha," Lightning replied.

"How about me?" Tidus asked, "My wife has to drive me here and be back in time for her preschool class!"

"You're late, you're neutered," She replied and left for the bedroom to claim the open side of the bed before Fang could trap her on the side against the wall.

Everyone started to get up to leave but Tidus stopped Serah in her tracks, "Hey, you don't really think she'll neuter me do you?"

"To be honest she has the equipment, she neutered all our dogs cuz she didn't want the government to charge her for something she could do herself," Serah replied and hugged Snow, who was quietly crying.

"All my life kids picked on me because I went through puberty at age 6 and was significantly taller than most adults," Snow said between his cries, "Now I'm INVISIBLE? Will I ever win?"

"There, there," Serah comforted her fiancé, "I'm gonna go get you some toothpaste, I'll meet you at the barn, don't forget your My Little Pony blanket and your acne medication." Snow got excited and retrieved his belongings from his secret hiding spot, the kitchen oven.

Back in the bedroom, Sazh was reading his little son a goodnight story, "In April 1940, Germany invaded Denmark and Norway to protect shipments of iron ore from Sweden, which the Allies were attempting to cut off by unilaterally mining neutral Norwegian waters. Denmark capitulated after a few hours, and despite Allied support, during which the important harbour of Narvik temporarily was recaptured by the British, Norway was conquered within two months."

While Vanille was painting her toe nails on her side of the bed, Hope was writing his mom his daily letter; his mom only let him join this chocobo farm gig if he wrote her everyday on the exact details of what everyone did and said to him. "Deer, mom. Tuday my boss litening promoted me to the hed of securitee, I saved a littl girr from drowneeng! Every1 cheered for me, and said I am a heero! My frend vaneel told me that i m gr8 addishon to the teem!"

"Sweet dreams, my Cocoon princess!" Fang told Lightning.

"Please don't talk to me," she replied, trapped in the corner of the bed against the wall.

Before they knew it was 3AM and Lightning's alarm clock rang like a fire alarm in the small bedroom.

"FIREEE!" Sazh yelled, grabbed his son like a football, and evacuated the house through the secret window underneath the bathtub.

Hope slept through the alarm, under the influence of his anticonvulsant medications, Fang and her Pulse sister Vanille however, did not appreciate this.

"Hey! Not everyone has the metabolism and sleep cycle of a dolphin like you, Light!" Vanille protested, "Some people need a full non-interrupted 8 hours of sleep to prevent undereye bags! Right soul sista?" Vanille asked Fang.

"No no! I don't mind at all!" Fang lied, not wanted to displease Lightning, "I mean if you want I'll even pack you a little something to eat on your hike!"

"Pre-breakfast is for the weak," was all Lightning said, and left for her hike.

Next time: Lightning's laying off employees, who will make the cut?

-end-

Hey guys! Kinda bad news, I started school again this week and the workload for this term is insane…so I'm going to have to upload the new chapters every 1.5-2 weeks instead of every Friday…I want to do this so I don't end up running out of chapters since I'll be too busy to write much.

As for the next chapter, don't worry the layoffs are not permanent ;)

I apologize for the survey mixup from last week, I didn't realize this website intentionally screws up urls so I didn't notice till the day after, but if you still want to give me suggestions for the birthday party chapter (I'm about 90% sure it will be Dajh's party) feel free to leave it in a review. P.S….since Episode Duscae was released recently…Noctis' squad will be making an appearance in this fic sometime teehee….

And TWO things I forgot to mention: 1. I took Fang's chocobo facts monologue from chapter 7 from the FF wiki, and Sazh's WWII story in this chapter is from Wikipedia, I gotta give credit where it's due ;)

See yall next time! And please leave me a review (favorite parts/quote/character)! (Thank you CustomEyes!)


	10. Chapter 10: Layoffs

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: ff13

Chapter 10: Layoffs

Tidus arrived on time today, since there was literally no other cars on the freeway to get to the farm today. "Bye sweetie! Have a great day!" his wife Yuna told him and cranked the gas pedal to get back to her school on time. Tidus felt great! He was on time, he remembered to put on sun screen, he remembered to eat breakfast, and his wife made him a homemade sushi for lunch!

Tidus went into the house and into the kitchen to put away his sushi lunch. He opened the fridge with the fridge key, but saw that there was practically no space left inside, he started moving some toothpaste out of the way until Snow saw what he was doing.

"EXCUSE ME," Snow said, as slammed the fridge door shut, "The fridge is for residents ONLY! And PLEASE don't be touching other people's BELONGINGS!"

"Aww come on Snow, don't you remember what Princess Celestia said about 'Sharing is caring'?" Serah interrupted.

"Well Tyedus wasn't very CARING when he shoved my toothpaste away!" Snow said accusingly. Snow was still paranoid that nobody was on his side, and that he would never win.

"I can't leave my sushi outside though!" Tidus tried to protest, to no avail.

Outside, Hope and Vanille were at the ticket booth waiting for customers to arrive. Lightning saw through the security camera that Hope and Vanille weren't moving a muscle for quite a long time, and went outside to investigate.

"Why aren't you two making me any money?" Lightning asked the two teenagers.

"But nobody's here!" Vanille defended herself, "nobody has come yet!"

Snow saw this as an opportunity, "You know sis, statistics show that most people only visit chocobo farms twice a year, on Feed a Chocobo Day and on Halloween!"

"Why Halloween?" Lightning asked him.

"SHE TALKED TO ME! I AM REAL! I EXIST!" Snow said with pure joy.

In the distance, three people were walking towards the ticket booth. "Don't screw this up!" Lightning told Hope and Vanille, and went back to the security room to do pilates.

It was the three teenagers from the day before! "Welcome back!" Vanille told them. "Still trying to win Kairi's heart?"

"You know it!" the silver haired boy said. "Three children's tickets! And I'M paying this time!"

He handed her $15 from his fanny pack.

"Have fun you silly kids!" Vanille said as she ran to the gate to let them through.

"You know them?" Hope asked.

"Of course! I know my customers like my seashell collection, prom is in 5 days and Kairi still doesn't know who's gonna be her prom king, Sora's filthy rich but Riku thinks he might be able win her heart. He told me he's been working the graveyard shift at the junkyard to afford to take Kairi to prom, but doesn't want to sacrifice his friendship with Sora. Sora's been emotional lately so Riku is trying to decide whether or not Kairi is worth it."

"You sound like my mom talking about her customers at the beauty salon," Hope commented.

Two hours later Noctis arrived from his hair appointment. "Where's all the customers?" he asked Hope and Vanille.

"IDK! Me and Hope have just been sitting here playing MASH, Hope's gonna live in a cardboard box with 8 children." Vanille answered.

Noctis entered the house and saw Lightning doing pilates in the living room. "Do you know there's only been three customers all day? And that we're losing money by paying for everyone's wages today?"

"WHAT?" Lightning said, and quickly turned off her pilates video. "I haven't been paying attention to the security cameras."

"Why don't we send some people home? You choose, have fun with it," Noctis suggested.

At that moment Tidus walked in to check on his rotting sushi. "Tell me why I shouldn't lay you off RIGHT NOW Tidus," Lightning cornered him.

"For one I was on time today! And I've been following those teenage kids, suggesting them to spend more money on chocobo rides and greens to impress that red haired girl! That Sora kid is LOADED!" Tidus answered.

"Why don't you go home Tidus, we don't need your help around here today," Noctis did the honors.

"B-b-b-but, my wife can't pick me up till she gets out of her afterschool tutoring class, I'm gonna be stuck here regardless!" Tidus tried to protest.

"Sucks for you!" Lightning laughed at his face, "Come on Noctis, lets go lay someone else off."

"My pleasure."

Next they went to the shuttle, which was driving at glacial speed. "Yo can you please go slower! Kairi's getting car sick!" Sora yelled at Snow and Fang.

"I'm sick of you kids thinking you can boss us around just cus you're the only customers here today!" Fang snarled back.

"Hey no talking back to the customers! They pay, they stay. Why don't you call it a day Fang, we don't need you around here," Lightning told her, trying not to burst out into laughter.

"B-but?"

"Are you sure about that Lightning? Isn't Fang a little more 'professional' than Snow?" Noctis asked her.

"Snow owes me way too much money, no way I'm letting him take day off and sit around racking up my Netflix bill," she said. They then approached Sazh, who was napping at his chocobo ride station after losing sleep from the false fire drill last night. "Sazh, I am not paying you to sleep on the job, you're layed off for today."

Sazh was so disappointed, he looked at his hands, knowing that those were the hands that had to tuck his son in at night. He shed a tear. He was glad he saved Snow's dinner from last night, today was that day, today was that struggle.

Next they went to the ticket booth, where Hope and Vanille were eating nuts they spilled off the ground. "Vanille, I know you rang up our only customers for today, but you're no longer needed. Say your farewells and leave," Lightning told the poor girl.

"Nooo! But I'm a better addition to the team than Hope is!" she tried to protest.

"She has a point," Noctis told Lightning; Noctis was truly the voice of reason.

"Hope's mom will get suspicious if she sees his bank account balance stay the same, can't risk it, that woman is a nutcase, if she ever finds out Hope was getting paid below minimum wage, staying awake past 8pm and not getting three meals a day she would call the cops on us," Lightning reasoned with him.

The rejects met at the kitchen table for lunchtime. "Fang! Fill me in on the Kairi situation!" Vanille pleaded after she sat down with her salad.

"That Riku kid doesn't stand a chance, he just got a call from his bank saying his debit card was stolen, there's no way he can take Kairi to prom," she answered. "What is that _rotting_ smell?"

"What rotting smell?" Tidus asked while eating his sushi. He spent years at the shores of the island of Besaid, his wife's hometown, but got so used to the smell of dead fish and barnacles.

"Yo Tidus, why don't you get out of here? I heard you play the ancient sport of Blitzball," Sazh asked.

"USED to play, they forgot to oxygenate the pool once, and I almost drowned, I woke up 2,000 years later, now I'm terrified of pools! Hey, I'm thinking of living in this house too, the 2 hour commute is way too much for my wife to handle," Tidus said.

"Don't, there's not enough beds and Lightning charges us for rent," Fang explained to him, although she really didn't mind the bed situation.

"What! Then why don't YOU guys get out of here!" Tidus asked.

"We're Pulse l'Cie! If the government ever finds out we'd be excommunicated, this farm is our only opportunity, our only salvation," Sazh said as he tore the chocobo greens to bite size pieces for his son.

Tidus never knew struggle, back in his day he was famous and had adoring fans, 2,000 years later he met his sweetheart that brings home the bacon, and cooks it too.

At that moment Serah barged through the door, "Hey guys! Taking your lunch break?"

"Nope! Your sis layed us off for today, so we got nothing to do, this is probably a good time to try to fix the toilet now that I think about it, say what's wrong?" Vanille asked as she noticed Serah's worried expression.

"It's those Kingdom Hearts kids," she answered, "they forgot to bring a lunch pail for Kairi, so that Sora kid offered my sis $500 to cook Kairi a gourmet meal, so of course that means I have to do it. That kid is LOADED!" Serah explained.

Tidus stood up, "Hey! This is our chance! We should cook this meal and prove to Lightning that we're not useless! That we're valuable team members!" If Tidus knew one thing, it was how to be part of a team; a blitzball team to be more specific.

"That's not such a stupid idea," Fang said, "what do we have left in the fridge?"

Sazh unlocked the fridge, "We got protein shakes, we got ketchup, we got bananas, and half a can of sardines."

"Eeeeww!" Vanille said, "Bananas are gross!"

"Sounds like a typical Zanarkand meal!" Tidus said, "Hey Serah, go take a break, we'll take care of this!" He walked to the cabinet and took out the blender, then proceeded to dump the protein shake, bananas, and sardines in.

"What are you doing!" Sazh said, "Have you no idea what's a gourmet meal!" Sazh took out the largest plate he could find, placed one sardine in the middle, one banana slice on the side, one blob of ketchup, poured one drop of the protein shake onto the sardine, and put one piece of chocobo greens in the corner. "Don't matter if you're serving the nastiest thing on the planet, it's all about presentation."

The rejects took the plate and went outside, they found the Kingdom Hearts kids carving Kairi's name on a tree with their keyblades. Riku turned and saw Tidus holding Kairi's meal, "Ew what's that?"

"It's one custom Zanarkand inspired gourmet meal, for her Royal Highness, Kairi Panettiere," Tidus kissed up, knowing that somehow, somewhere, Lightning and Noctis were watching his every move and deciding his fate.

Kairi took the plate and ate the sardine and banana slice.

"?"

"…"

"?"

"…"

"?!"

"It's ok," Kairi finally said.

"What!?" Sazh said, "I was so sure I had it right."

"This is great!" Sora said and handed Tidus the $500 dollars, "This is the first time Kairi's said anything all week!"

"It's all ogre now…" Riku started crying. Vanille and Fang came to him and gave him a hug, they knew his pain, they knew his story.

Tidus ran with the money and found Lightning and Noctis having a chat with Snow in the shuttle.

"I'm TELLING YOU Noctis, Lightning's only interested in GAY MEN," Snow tried to explain to Noctis about the time he thought he caught her reading Yaoi. "Take your beautiful heterosexual face ELSEWHERE."

"I'm telling you Snow, that was Serah, and you're just trying to deny it," Lightning shook her head.

Tidus boarded the shuttle and handed Lightning the wad of cash, "Look boss! Sora gave this to me, Sazh, Fang, and Vanille, because we made the meal for Kairi, it was us who saved the day!"

"Not bad, Tyedus," she answered. "Now go away."

Tidus got off the shuttle and saw Serah jogging up to him, "Did you do it?" Serah asked.

"Yup, but all I got out of her was, "Not bad, 'TYEDUS,' when will she ever say my name right?" Tidus put his face in his palms.

"That just means she's very pleased, but doesn't want you to think she cares! All she told me when I became the head of the cheerleading squad was, 'And?'" Serah explained, trying to make Tidus feel better.

Next time: The gang prepares their marketing strategy to attract more customers!

-end-

Gosh it was really weird not uploading on Friday as I always do :x Thank you all for your patience. THANK YOU CustomEyes, Mr. Francis York Morgan, and AngeloHeroOfLight for your reviews! :)

Personally I call Tidus "Teedus" so that's the correct pronunciation in my fic teehee…

I realized I never clarified that I live in the US so all money in this fic is in US dollars, even when they refer to Gil of Munny. See you all next time!


	11. Chapter 11: Marketing Part 1

Chapter 11: Marketing Part 1

Noctis had convinced Lightning to close the farm for the next day, and to work on their marketing instead. He had also convinced her to start the work day at 9AM, instead of the usual 6AM. Tidus however still had to arrive at 6 since his wife's class starts at 8. He packed a nonperishable lunch this time, and took a nap in the barn with Snow and Serah until it was time to report for work.

"Tidus, Tidus, wake up! It's past 9 already!" Serah said as she gently shook him awake.

Tidus had an actual heart attack when he heard her say "past 9 already" and shot up and put on his shoes. "Why did you wake me earlier?!" He grabbed his lunch pail and thermos and ran for his life to the meeting at the house.

"I was reading yaoi…" Serah answered with shame.

"Boss, I swear to YEVON I've been here since 6AM!" Tidus exclaimed as he came in and took the only seat available by the trashcan.

"Settle UP, and listen DOWN," Snow demanded, "Noctis was just telling us about home remedies for dandruff and I don't want to miss a word!"

"Umm… no I wasn't," Noctis said, and started writing on the dry erase board. "As I was saying, we need to make a marketing strategy if we want tourists to come here more than twice a year. Any ideas?"

Snow threw out the first idea, "OK, you know those really annoying people that stand on top of a truck and yell stuff with microphones? We should do that! 'SHIVA WILL CONDEMN THOSE WHO DO NOT OFFER THEIR DEVOTION IN THE NAME OF THE CHOCOBOS'" he shouted through his hands.

"Lord, Snow, just go to the bedroom, and watch Netflix or something," Lightning gave up, "the password is ABCDE, just LEAVE, just, oh lord," she said shaking her head with disapproval of his existence.

Snow gladly left and Noctis continued, "Any other suggestions, yes you, in the back, by the trashcan," he pointed to Tidus who was raising his hand.

"Geesh, the name is Tidus! I know it doesn't sound like your English and Latin weather names but it ain't that hard!" he answered.

"What language is it then?" Hope asked after gathering all of the courage he had to speak up.

"Zanarki!"

"If you have nothing valuable to contribute, please don't bother raising your hand, sir," Noctis told him as politely as he could; Tidus was to Noctis, as Snow was to Lightning.

Tidus started, "As you guys know, my wife is a preschool teacher-"

"Don't be expecting us to 'know'! We ain't ghost-writing your autobiography!" Sazh lectured him.

"AND I think we should visit her classroom, and give a presentation to her students!" Tidus finished his sentence before anyone else could insult him.

"Not a bad idea," Lightning said, "we brainwash those kids, they tell their friends and family, and then they tell THEIR friends and family, and it won't cost us much money. I like it."

Noctis didn't completely agree, but respected her opinion too much to not write it on the board. "Anybody else?"

Vanille started, "I think we should make a commercial! With fireworks! And trampolines!"

"Won't that cost too much money?" Serah asked, she knew how much she and her sister were in debt to the government.

"The return will be greater than the cost," Noctis said and wrote 'televised commercial advertisement' on the board. Lightning didn't completely agree, but respected his opinion too much to disagree.

"What do kids like these days?" Sazh asked, "California boyz and bohemian Instagram queens? I say Tyedus, Hope, and Vanille star in the commercial. And Dajh too! We can't forget to appeal to the under 5 demographic."

"Sounds great," Noctis said and wrote their names on the board, "Boss, what's our budget for this commercial?"

"I'll give you $15 dollars," Lightning said and gave Tidus the money, knowing that wasn't enough to buy fireworks or trampolines.

"Lastly, I think we should have a live news segment," Noctis suggested, "I think two people, a couple, to show how the farm is a great place for romantic relationships to flourish."

"Perfect!" Fang said, "Come on Light, let's start rehearsing."

"nO," Lightning protested, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you and Snow show do it," she told Serah.

"Are you sure sis? You know how Snow gets when he's around cameras," Serah asked.

"Lord, don't remind me," Lightning said, trying to block out the memory of Serah's high school graduation taping. "But yeah, it should be a young, slightly below average looking couple like you two."

As long as it wasn't Tidus on the air, Noctis agreed and wrote their names on the board. "Where does your wife work Tyedus?"

"Midgar!"

"Perfect!" Sazh said, "Midgar has the largest TV station in the world, we can just make a roadtrip and kill two chocobos with one boulder."

"Ooh, I've never been to Midgar before, I wonder what it's like," Serah said.

Snow overheard from the bedroom, "HUGE city, LOTS of rats, so be sure you wear insect repellent."

Hope was terrified of small animals, and was glad to stay behind to do the commercial.

"We can't waste time, we're leaving today. Pack your bags, we leave after lunch," Lightning said and took out her hiking backpack. "You kids get started writing the script for the commercial."

Tidus, Hope, Serah, and Dahj all went outside after Noctis gave them a security camera, he claimed it was so HD they would have nightmares at night, and sat in a circle. Vanille started, "Ok, I know a guy that can get us fireworks and a trampoline practically for free," she said and started dialing Riku.

"Do I have to say anything?" Hope asked, hoping he could just be the cameraboy.

"Heck yes! You're gonna be the main character!" Tidus exclaimed, and started writing lines on a piece of paper. They took a few minutes to figure out the camera and practice their lines.

Vanille took the camera to film the first scene with Tidus and Hope. "Akkushon!"

"Hey BRO! Narly weather today! You know what that means, it's chocob-" Tidus started his line.

"TIIIIIIIDDDDDDDUUUUUUUSSSSSS!" Vanille screamed in pure terror.

"What?" Tidus and Hope asked.

"YOU- YOU- YOU, YOU'RE NOT SHOWING UP ON CAMERA!"

Hope took the camera from her and pointed it in Tidus' direction. "OH MY gAWG!" Tidus was invisible through the lens.

"What! What do you mean?" Tidus asked and stepped towards them.

"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!" Hope screamed and ran away to tell on him.

Vanille handed him the camera and switched it to selfie mode. Tidus tried to find himself, but couldn't. "Why is this happening!?" he asked.

"Haven't you ever had your picture taken?" Vanille asked him.

"Well yes, tons of times in Zanarkand! Now that I think about it, ever since I woke up from that accident I don't think I'd ever been in a photo, even our wedding photos were painted, not photographed," Tidus realized.

Hope reached the house, everyone was packing their junk, but he went to Noctis, the head of security. "Mr. N-n-noctis, something's wrong with Tidus! He's not like the rest of us, he doesn't show up on camera!"

"I knew it, I knew he was not one of us."

The taxi had arrived, so it was time for everyone to leave Hope behind with Tidus, who may or may not be a demon. Noctis took Hope's shoulders, "You gotta get through this, you gotta figure this out, and fix it. You can't grow, if you don't take risks. We need the commercial done by noon tomorrow."

"B-b-b-but!"

Hope was left behind as everyone shoved their junk into the small cab and left for Midgar.

Next time: The gang arrives in Midgar, how much will Snow and Serah screw up?

-end-

Hey guys! Thank you all for your patience, I really wish I had the time to just sit down and write for hours on end like before and publish every Friday, I promise once I'm on summer break I'll go back into full throttle. Thank you to my reviewers, you guys are awesome!

Next chapter is really fun (and long) so please look forward to it, see you all next time :)


	12. Chapter 12: Marketing Part 2

Tales of the Chocobo Kind: FF13

Chapter 12: Marketing Part 2

"This place is a dump!" Fang said as the taxi entered the Midgar city limit. She was the only person in the car besides Serah who hadn't already been to Midgar. It was 5PM but the sun had already set and the city was dark and moist.

There were lights and posters everywhere advertising strip clubs and homeless shelters, "Snow! Quick, close your eyes!" Serah said before her fiancé's eyes got tainted.

As the taxi was stuck in the middle of an intersection during a green light, someone came up to the car with a roller backpack and tapped on the window.

"Don't roll down the window!" Lightning said as Snow rolled down the window.

"How do you today fine sir?" Snow answered the man outside the car.

"I got pencils, I got liquor, I got noodles, you name it, I got it!" the man shouted. He had no right hand, it was replaced with a machine gun.

"You got BOOTS?" Sazh asked from within the trunk.

"You bet my boots I got boots," the man answered. "20 gil."

"5 gil, or no deal!" Sazh answered. The man agreed. "Yo, Light, spot me will you," Sazh requested.

Lightning took out 5 gil, opened her window 1 inch, and gave the man the money. He took off his boots and gave them to her. "God bless!" he said before the taxi drove away as fast as it could.

They had booked a motel room at Wall Market, which was pedestrian only. The taxi stopped at the entrance for the gang to get off, they started unloading their junk and opened the trunk for Sazh to come out.

"I'll take that," Noctis said as he took Lightning's hiking backpack. She blushed severely.

"Don't make eye contact with anyone, and make a run for it!" Lightning told the gang when they were ready. They started running to the motel, which was one loading screen away.

A cute little girl with a pink ribbon in her hair tried to approach them. "Flowers! Only 1 Gil!" she said.

"Serah NO," Lightning told her sister when she had stopped to get a flower.

"Come on, it's only 1 gil!" Serah replied, then turned back to the little girl. "Hi sweetie, give me the prettiest flower you have. What's your name?"

"Marlene," she answered and handed her the ugliest yellow flower she had. "Where are you from?"

"That one's from Pulse," Snow answered and pointed to Fang. "But don't tell anybody, she may or may not still be on the most-wanted list. But the rest of us are from the Chocobo Farm!"

"What does chocobo mean? We haven't learned that at school yet," she replied.

"LORD! These kids need us," Sazh said. "Channel 1, noon, tomorrow, be there or be eaten by a bear."

"People, let's keep going," Noctis prompted them, and they continued to the motel.

They reached the motel, it was flashy with bright pink lights and had posters of girls in honeybee costumes.

"Um, EXCUSE ME sis, but this does NOT look like a family friendly facility," Snow said.

"This is the only place in town with a casino," Lightning answered as they made their way in and approached the check-in.

"I have 2 rooms reserved. The name's Sitcon," Noctis told the receptionist and gave them his membership card. They were guided to their rooms, which were cute, roomy, and colorful!

"Later losers! Me and my waifu are going shopping!" Snow said and carried Serah bride-style out of the room.

"Where did Tyedus say his wife's school is at?" Noctis asked his boss. He's been to Midgar many times before but never remembered seeing any school.

"He said Sector 7, in the basement of a bar. And he said we gotta kick the pinball machine a few times to get the elevator working, whatever that means," Lightning answered. She looked back at Fang and Sazh, making sure they weren't listening. "You wanna ditch this popsicle stand and head to the casino?"

"You know it."

The two snuck away while Sazh and Fang were arguing over the bed arrangement. "Come on, let me share the bed with Light!" Fang tried to argue.

"That poor girl has had it tough ever since her parents died, she needs a man, now more than ever!" Sazh argued in Lightning's favor; he wanted her to share the bed with Noctis and marry him here at the chapel of the motel, he even picked up a marriage certificate from the lobby and tried to start filling it out.

In the meanwhile, Serah was with Snow at the Boutique, looking for some nice clothes to wear on the news the next day. Serah tried on a purple silk dress in the changing booth, she wanted something soft that shimmers. She got out and showed her fiancé, "What do you think?"

"For the hundredth time, you didn't look good in purple at prom, and you still don't!" Snow got mad at her. He just wanted what's best for her. She got sad and decided to buy the pink cotton dress instead.

Snow found an XXL size Sephiroth cosplay set in the corner with all the leather goods. "SERAH! This is perfect! Can we please buy it PLEASE PLEASE!" he pleaded.

"Snow, that's….that's perfect!" Serah agreed, and bought it on the spot.

The next day the alarm clock woke up the gang at 8AM. "Where's Lightning!?" Fang said when they realized she and Noctis weren't in the room. She started imagining everything that could have happened to her: kidnapped, mugged, beaten.

At that moment Lightning and Noctis entered the room wearing sunglasses and visors and carrying suitcases full of cash. "Tell no one of this," she whispered to him.

"You have my word," he answered, and started dialing his stockbroker.

At that moment the room phone rang and Lightning picked it up, "Hello?"

"Yo Boss it's me Tidus!"

"Who?" she asked very confused.

"Good Yevon! You know, Tidus, you hired me and I'm making the commercial with Hope and Vanille!"

"Oh, I remember you now, what's the matter?" Lightning finally said.

"Yuna just called me and said that today's the day she has to teach the kids how to do fractions, so if you go to her class today her students will literally not pass their Common Core testing and she may or may not get fired," Tidus explained.

"Not our problem, we'll be there in a bit, did you send the tv station the finished commercial?" Lightning asked him.

"Yes!-" Tidus answered right before Lightning hung up on him. "Are you guys ready to go?" she asked Fang, Sazh, and Noctis. They nodded then she told Snow and Serah, "Don't you dare be late for the news segment and stick to the script we made."

"No promises!" Snow answered.

Lightning, Noctis, Fang, and Sazh left the hotel and ran all the way to the Seventh Heaven bar in sector 7. When they came in they saw a familiar face greet them. "Table or bar?" he asked.

"Hey! You're that Cloud guy we didn't hire!" Sazh said. "Now that I think about it your hair looks like a chocobo, darn we did NOT think that through."

"Please don't talk about that, I don't want my girlfriend to find out I tried to run away," Cloud said.

"Enough with the chitchat, where's the 'pinball machine'?" Lightning said.

Cloud pointed to the machine behind them. Noctis took out a quarter from his pocket to put it in, "Don't worry boss, this is coming right out of Tidus' paycheck," he said then kicked the machine 3 times until it started moving. They were taken down to the basement of the bar and to their surprise, there was really a classroom!

It smelled TERRIBLE, and there were about 80 students crammed in the small basement, all sitting on the floor. Yuna turned around from the chalkboard and saw the guests, "Oh children, our guests are here!"

"YAY!" they all screamed since that means they didn't have to learn anything. The gang made their way stepping in between the kids to get to the front of the classroom and started taping up pictures on the chalkboard.

"Ok children, our guests came from very very far away to teach us about an animal called "chocobos'!" Yuna told her students.

"What are chocobos?" Marlene, the girl from the day before asked.

Fang got this, she knew her stuff and started reciting her tour material, "Chocobos are a breed of flightless birds, characterized by their yellow feathers, distinct odor, and the unforgettable chirp, "kweh!" Domesticated for their gentle nature and quick feet, they are often used as a mode of ground transportation."

"What does 'breed' mean?"

"What is 'flightless'?"

"I don't like birbs."

"What does 'odor' mean?"

"KWEH!"

"What is 'mode'?"

The questions were coming from everywhere, and getting louder and louder, they had forgotten that these were preschool children with limited vocabularies.

Sazh stepped in, "BIG birds, yellow birds, KWEH, run fast, ride like horse!"

They then proceeded to tell the kids about the chocobo farm, and how they can feed, ride, and learn about chocobos everyday.

"Remember kids," Noctis started, "EVERYDAY is Feed a Chocobo Day. And be sure to tell your parents too."

"Any questions?" Lightning asked, hoping there were no questions. A kid raised his hand and she called on him.

"I wanna be a chocobo!"

"That's not a question," she answered back. "Yes you, with the, tennis racket," she called on another kid.

"Where do baby chocobos come from?"

Yuna looked terrified, they weren't supposed to learn that until 3rd grade. Noctis knew he had to step up, and started answering, "Well, when a mom chocobo eats…too much greens…instead of pooping…she poops out an egg, inside that egg…is a baby chocobo, and…if she eats way too much, she just starts pooping out live baby chocobos…"

"I WANNA SEE THAT!" the kids started screaming. Lightning was proud, and gave Noctis a discreet slap on the butt.

"Well children, let's say thank you and goodbye to our guests," Yuna tried telling her students, she really didn't want to skip their fractions lesson.

"Can we take a field trip to the chocobo farm Mrs. Yuna?" a kid asked.

"Maybe next year," Yuna lied, then walked over to Lightning, "Please leave now, they've gotten way too excited, they're getting attached, they might revolt, leave before it's too late!"

The gang waived goodbye as they were rising up with the pinball machine. The kids were getting hysterical, and screaming and waiving back to their now idols.

"That went better than I thought it would," Fang said, as the gang took their seats at the bar. "Kids are so gullible, I like that."

"Any drinks to start you off?" Cloud asked as he noticed that they sat down.

"We want nothing," Lightning answered. She turned to Noctis, "You saved the day Noctis, you're getting a double raise."

"Just doing my job."

"Hey! It's time for the news segment!" Sazh realized and whistled to Cloud, "Hey blondie, turn on the TV will you! Midgar News!"

Cloud reluctantly obeyed and turned on the TV to the station. "Thank you Dr. Oz, for your wonderful explanation about the toll Mako takes on your body. And that concludes the show, I am Reno, and thanks for watching Midgar News," the newscaster said and the show started rolling its credits.

"I KNEW IT," Lightning said, "They were late, I know it, Snow is dead to me."

"NEXT UP ON JUDGE YUFFIE," the voiceover said, announcing the beginning of the next show. "Plaintiff Serah Farron, suing her fiancé, Defendant Snow Villiers, for $2000 in chocobo damages."

"WHAT!?" they all yelled.

"You are about to enter the courtroom, of Judge Yuffie Kisaragi," the voiceover said as the intro was playing. "The people are REAL, the cases are REAL, the rulings are FINAL!"

"Dear Odin," Lightning began crying actual tears when she saw Snow in his Sephiroth cosplay and wig.

"19 year old Serah Farron, co-owner of the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, is suing her fiancé, 21 year old Snow Villiers, for the disappearance of four baby chocobos."

"All rise," Vincent, the security guard, said then handed the documents to Judge Yuffie. "Case 137, on the count in the matter of Farron Vs. Villiers. Both parties have been sworn in, be seated."

"I don't like to judge a book by its cover, Mr. Villiers, but I must say you have a lot of guts to enter my courtroom dressed the way you are," Judge Yuffie said.

"In my defense, your honor, my wife set me up, she let me convince her to do this to myself," Snow said and put both hands up in the air.

"Don't speak unless spoken to!" Judge Yuffie yelled at him. "Miss Farron, tell about what happened on the day of December 17th."

"Yes, on that day, my sister and I were putting away the baby chocobos for their bedtime and we noticed four were missing. When we entered the kitchen, we saw Snow eating 4 'chicken' nuggets," Serah explained.

"Mr. Villiers, what have you to say about this?" Judge Yuffie asked.

"I say, I entered the kitchen, and THEY were eating the 4 chicken nuggets," Snow answered.

"Your honor," Serah said, "I have photographic evidence of Snow eating the nuggets." She handed Vincent the photograph and he relayed it to Judge Yuffie.

"Mr. Villiers, yes or no is this you in this photograph?" Judge Yuffie interrogated.

"Yes. But your honor, I too, have photographic evidence of Serah and her sister eating the nuggets," Snow explained and also handed Vincent the evidence.

"NEXT UP on Judge Yuffie, who REALLY ate the nuggets?" the voiceover said, marking the start of the commercial break.

Noctis picked up Lightning's body from the floor and sat her back down on the chair. "I know you hate this, but even bad publicity is good publicity," he tried to tell her.

She just shook her head and said, "Snow's gonna get it. He won't know where, or when, but he's gonna get it."

"But Light, this is getting juicy!" Fang said "Hashtag, #JudgeYuffie is trending on twitter right now, there's probably a ton of people tuning in to see what's going on, and Vanille just texted me and said she and Hope and Tidus are on the edge of their seats waiting to see who really ate the nuggets."

"Tell them to get off my couch," was all Lightning said, then continued her silent tears.

At that moment their commercial started playing. "Halleluiah!" Sazh said.

Baby chocobos were jumping up and down on a small trampoline, and fireworks started flying all over the screen.

"Ready for some FUN, FAMILY FUN!?" Hope's body said with Tidus's voice. "We're here at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, where the FUN never ends, and neither do the FREE chocobo rides! But DON'T think for a SECOND that THIS place isn't the BEST place in the WORLD. Because WE'RE TALKING about FAMILY FUN for CLOSE TO NONE. And when YOU THINK today's not Feed a Chocobo day, you're DEAD WRONG. Because EVERYDAY is Feed a CHOCOBO DAY! Come visit us TODAY!" Tidus's obnoxious voice finally finished, and the footage showed baby chocobos floating in midair, and Vanille trying to grab them.

When the commercial ended, Lightning started crying even more, and her entire life flashed before her eyes; she knew this was the end, she could not survive this shame.

"Now BACK to JUDGE YUFFIE," the TV said.

"YEAHHH!" Sazh and Fang yelled.

"Mr. Villiers," Judge Yuffie said after inspecting both photographs, "Do you realize that the photograph you handed me is dated over 2 years ago?"

The audience gasped, "No I did not," he answered. "I do however, know that those nuggets, are not made of chocobos," he said and handed Vincent a receipt.

Judge Yuffie inspected the receipt, "Miss Farron, this receipt clearly states that Mr. Villiers purchased a chicken nugget kids meal from Mc Donalds on the day you accuse him for the disappearance of your baby chococos."

"Your honor, I have evidence that Snow purchased a meat grinder that day," Serah rebutted, and handed another receipt to Vincent.

"Well I HAVE evidence that I used that meat grinder to make toothpaste spaghetti noodles," Snow said, and handed Vincent his cellphone with his Instagram open.

Vincent relayed the phone to Judge Yuffie, "December 17th, nothing beats toothpaste noodles, nothing I tell you! Hashtag #bejealous #arm&amp;hammer," she recited. "Miss Farron, I'm giving you one last chance to give me some real evidence for your case!"

Serah started crying fake tears, "I got nothing."

Judge Yuffie hit the gavel and declared, "Case dismissed, in favor of the defendant, who is giving everyone in the audience free passes to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm!"

"NO HE'S NOT!" Lightning yelled.

Next time: The farm gets a surprise visit from their worst nightmare.

-end-

If you are not from the United States you might not understand the Judge Yuffie reference, it is based off a show called Judge Judy! The dialogue from the commercial was inspired by Game Grump's impression of Guy Fieri. Good news, I had some extra time this week so I was able to write Dajh's birthday party chapter (which will be chapter 17) with Noctis' crew making their cameo!

Please leave me a review if you enjoyed the chapter! :) Thank you CustomEyes :D


	13. Chapter 13: Code Red

Chapter 13: Code Red

The instant Serah and Snow returned to the motel room, Lightning tackled Snow to the ground, took out her knife, and tried to kill him. "You've dishonored us all!"

"HEY HEY woAH," he yelled as he tried to dodge her stabs, "I swear to Shiva, we wOAHHH, weren't late!"

"Sis, stop, please!" Serah pleaded. This was not the first time Lightning had tried to assassinate her fiancé. "We arrived on time but they didn't let us on air because they didn't want to cut off Dr. Oz, he wouldn't stop talking! They said we could film Judge Yuffie instead!"

Lightning stopped, got off Snow, then kicked his patellar reflex, just cuz.

"Who thought of the fake story? You had me and Sazh on the edge of our stools!" Fang asked.

"That was ALL me," Snow took the credit. He knew his receipt hoarding would come in handy someday.

They decided to go back to the farm right away, and left the motel and boarded the taxi. This time, Lightning physically shoved Snow into the trunk. They ended up getting back to the farm in time for dinner.

"Y-y-y-you guys!" Hope said as he greeted them off the taxi. "My mom just called, she's coming to visit TOMORROW!"

"S***!" Lightning cursed. "Haven't you been writing her everyday!?"

"I forgot to yesterday, I'm sorry!" Hope tried to apologize.

"CODE RED, I REPEAT: CODE RED," Noctis yelled. Code red was not for a fire, it was for Hope's mom, Nora. They had discussed this previously, in a chapter I forgot to write.

Serah got straight to cooking, and everybody else got the cleaning supplies out from under the couch and started cleaning.

Lightning got straight to killing the cockroach tribe living in the bedroom, since that alone was enough to convince Nora that Hope was in mortal danger.

Snow and Fang went to the bathroom to fix the toilet. At this point it took 4 flushes, which they knew is unacceptable in Nora's eyes. Fang tried to shove her spear down the toilet, hoping to push through whatever it was that was stuck in there. "It's no use!" she said, defeated. Snow then proceeded to unscrew the nails with his own nails and remove the toilet completely. They turned the toilet upside down to see what was stuck in there: it was an entire hair straightener.

"That's where that went!" Snow said, then proceeded to reattach the toilet.

Serah finished cooking a balanced meal of chicken parmesan with broccoli, pasta, and fruit juice. "Hope, come eat!" she yelled and grabbed her camera. Hope sat down and started eating the food while Serah took clear photos for proof.

Vanille, Sazh, and Tidus started scrubbing the walls and floors, starting from the entrance of the house.

Noctis saw Tidus scrubbing a little weaker than the others, and pulled him to the side. "Tidus, you are not helping here, I think your efforts and better suited for laundry duty."

"Anything but laundry duty!" Tidus pleaded, since he knew that included Dahj's cloth diapers. He gave up and started taking the dirty laundry to the pond.

After Hope finished his meal, he approached Noctis. "H-h-hey, Noct, I know this sounds weird, but I told my mom I was Head of Security, so you need to let me do your job tomorrow."

"We got a lot of training to do," Noctis said in agreement, and proceeded to teach Hope the inner mechanics of the farm surveillance. Hope learned just how HD the security cameras were, he was going to have nightmares tonight.

Lightning went to check Hope's medication box, and saw that he forgot to take several days worth of seizure and testosterone meds, she then flushed the extras down the toilet, knowing that Nora WILL count the pills.

Serah printed out a fake CPR and Pediatric Advanced Life Support certificate to frame and hang on the wall. She knew that would score some extra points in their favor.

"And that's how to do my job," Noctis said as he concluded his lesson with Hope.

"How do y-y-you sleep at night?" Hope asked, disturbed.

"I don't."

At the stroke of 10pm Lightning sent Hope away to bed, then called for a team meeting in the living room. "As you all know, if we don't pass this inspection, Nora's gonna take Hope away and she may take us to court and accuse us of child abuse," she said.

"What do you mean? Isn't Hope 18?" Tidus asked.

Vanille answered on behalf of her friend, "Well you see, although Hope was born 18 years ago, he never…really…went through puberty. So Nora consulted the Child Protective Services and they legally declared Hope still a child. To be honest I think she went through all that trouble just to get a disabled parking placard."

"So everyone just act as normal as possible, and not your personal normal, I mean like actual normal people," Lightning insisted, specifically looking at Snow through narrowed eyes.

"No promises!" Snow answered.

It was time to call it a day, so everyone went their way. Yuna however, wasn't there to pick up Tidus and she wasn't answering her phone. Tidus panicked, and decided to take a risk and walked up to Noctis, who was on his way to his car. "Yo Noct, help a pal out-"

"Don't call me Noct," he immediately answered as he unlocked the car and started to get in.

"NOCTIS," Tidus corrected himself, and held the door open before Noctis could slam it in his face. "I know we didn't get off on the right foot, but I'm asking you as a friend-"

"You're not a friend."

"AS A CO-WORKER if you can pretty please drive me to the nearest motel on your way back home," Tidus finished.

Noctis wanted to say no very badly, but he strongly believed in karma, and agreed to give Tidus a ride.

"Live and let live!" Tidus said and entered the car to sit in the passenger's seat. "So where exactly do you live?"

"That's none of your business," Noctis answered as he started the car and exited the parking lot.

"You mind if I turn on the radio?" Tidus asked. Noctis reluctantly agreed and Tidus tuned in to 102.7 Kiss FM which was currently playing Taylor Swift. "This song's my FAVE! 'Oh my God, look at that face! You look like my next mistake!'" Tidus sang. Noctis wanted to punch his face so badly.

Thankfully they passed a motel after a few minutes and Noctis dropped off Tidus and agreed to pick him up the next morning.

The next morning Noctis came to pick up Tidus as planned, but Tidus decided he wanted to try to make it right with Noctis. "Ok Noctis, I don't know why you hate me, but, listen to my story. This may be our last chance."

Tidus proceeded to tell him about his life in Zanarkand, blitzball, and being taken away from all that and taken to a new land, meeting Yuna, trying to find his old man, and being forced to solve confusing minigames all by himself.

Noctis seriously did not care and was glad when they finally arrived for work. As they approached the farm from the parking lot they saw everybody scrambling to fix any sharp edges and lose nails that they could.

"When is she coming?" Noctis asked Lightning after they passed the gate.

"I can't really say, we gotta be ready at any given moment," she answered as she smeared sunscreen on Hope's face and arms. "Tell your mom you wear sunscreen every day."

"Got it," Hope answered and added that to his mental list of things he had to lie to his mom about.

It was getting close to opening time, so Hope went inside to Noctis's station and Noctis took Hope's place at the ticket booth. He turned to Vanille, "So what do you tell the customers?"

"WeLcOmE to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, where all your chocobo dreamz come TRUE! How can I take your order?" she answered with her usual ardor.

'_Dear Lord_.'

The tourists had started arriving, and Tidus was in charge of directing the traffic in the parking lot, he brought a whistle and flags to look professional. After an hour or so, he saw a blonde woman trying to park her minivan in the disabled parking. He ran over to the minivan and told the woman, "Excuse me ma'am, this parking spot is reserved for customers with wheelchairs. Please park in-"

"Oh, you must not know me," the woman answered as she got out, locked the minivan, and put on her sunglasses. "I'm Nora, Hope's mother."

'_nO_,' Tidus panicked. She's been on the grounds for less than a minute and he's already screwed up. "O-f, c-c-course! We've been expecting you, as our special, COMPLIMENTARY GUEST! Please allow me to escort you past the gate!" Tidus said and left his station to escort her.

As they passed Vanille and Noctis ringing up customers at the ticket booth, Tidus called out, "HEY GUYS, our SPECIAL GUEST is here!" He then performed the distress hand signal to the nearest security cam when Nora wasn't looking.

"WeLcOmE to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, where all your chocobo dreamz come TRUE! We're super-duper happy to have the honor of serving you today!" Vanille lied.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Sitcon, a mere ticket boy," Noctis too lied.

"Nice to meet you all," Nora lied.

Tidus then opened the gate to let Nora in, then Hope and Lightning ran out from the house to greet them. "Hi mom!" Hope said as he and his mother hugged.

"My little boy, when I saw that you forgot to mail be two days ago I knew something was wrong, I figured they were overworking you," Nora answered. "Is that sunscreen I smell?"

"YES I wear it every day," Hope answered. "I also wear a clean pair of matching socks every day," he added, and showed his mom his matching socks.

Nora's smile vanished when she met eyes with Lightning. "Claire."

"Nora."

"How has your boss been treating you? Do you even like her?" Nora questioned her son with concern.

"Of course, she's my goddess!" Hope answered. "Come on mom, let me show you the house!" Hope said and took his mom's hand.

He first showed her his station. "This is where I do my job as Head of Security!" he said, and took the remote as he desperately tried to remember everything Noctis had taught him. He fiddled with the buttons for a bit but finally found out how to turn on the TV. He then proceeded to switch between the cameras, "From here I can see everything that goes on all over the farm," he said, then switched to the camera located by the chocobo rides. They saw three children and a parent attacking Sazh, "Duty calls!" Hope said, and ran away, leaving Lightning to defend herself.

"How much do you pay your miserable employees?" Nora asked Lightning, as she continued to judge the interior of the house.

"Enough to get by, but Hope has the best job in the place, $30 an hour, with health and dental," she lied.

At that moment Serah had walked in to take her break and get a glass of water, but regretted it instantly. "Oh hello, you must be Hope's mother."

"This is Serah, my sister, she cooks and cleans," Lightning introduced her sister, whom Nora has not met before.

"Everyday?" Nora asked.

"YES, and I'm ACLS and PALS certified," Serah answered and pointed to the fake CPR certificates on the wall. She then took out her camera and showed Nora photographic evidence that Hope has been eating balanced meals.

Hope ran back into the living room, "Sorry about that, had to take care of a small _physical altercation_," he spat out the fanciest phrase he remembered Noctis mentioning. He accidentally knocked over a small box that was by the TV stand and some books fell out.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Nora shrieked when she saw the covers of the books, it was yaoi manga. Serah immediately ran away, but Nora turned to Lightning. "YOU! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS INNAPROPRIATE MATERIAL EXIST AROUND MY SON?"

"I can assure you ma'am, that does not belong to your son, and please put down my lamp," Lightning said as Nora took the nearest object to use as a weapon. Lightning didn't want to admit that her sister, co-owner of the establishment was the owner.

"THEN WHOSE IS IT?"

"Don't worry mom, we'll figure it out. As head of security, we'll get to the bottom of this!" Hope said, and took the Junjou Romantica manga and placed it into a clear plastic bag for evidence. The three went outside to start their investigation. It was very crowded today, which was good for the business, but not good for this situation.

Hope approached the moving shuttle, and demanded that Snow stop it. "EXCUSE ME, we're in the middle of something IMPORTANT," Snow defended his and Fang's routine tour and stopped the shuttle.

"I'm afraid we have something even more important going on," Hope said, and shoved the evidence in his face. "Are you the owner of this yaoi?"

Behind them, Lightning was waving a huge sign that said, "TAKE THE BLAME JUST DO IT" but Snow did not notice. "Of course not! I believe that belongs to Lightning, she does have a track record for homoerotic preferences!"

"No she does not," Fang defended her, "I would know. Say, don't you guys have better things to do, like make sure those Kingdom Hearts kids aren't trying to break into the house," she pointed at the Kingdom Hearts kids who were hitting the house door with their keyblades.

"That's another problem for another time," Hope simply said. He, Nora, and Lightning then proceeded to question Sazh, who was in the middle of loading and unloading kids from the saddles. "Yes or no, are you the owner of this yaoi?" Hope asked.

"NORA! It's been so long! You look FANTASTIC! Did you get highlights?" Sazh greeted her and went to give her a hug.

"Thank you for noticing!" Nora answered. Sazh was the only person Nora did not hate.

"Answer the question!" Hope put on his toughest act he possible could. "Is this yaoi yours or not!?"

"What's 'yaoi'?" Sazh answered before he saw Lightning hysterically waving her sign.

Lightning ran over to the ticket booth, she had no one else to turn to. "Noctis, don't ask questions, just do as I say."

"Of course."

"Tell Hope the yaoi belongs to you," she told him, then grabbed his arm and dragged him to the chocobo rides, where Nora was still telling Sazh about her new hairstylist.

"Noctis, there you are. Look me in the eye, and tell me if this yaoi belongs to you," Hope demanded.

Noctis glanced at all the tourists who were witnessing this unfold, and judging him. "Yes, that…belongs to me."

"SITCON!" Nora gasped. "I knew you were trouble when I saw your split ends, but I never would have thought you were the cause of this."

"Yup, I should be very, very ashamed at myself," he said while looking Serah in the eye as she just stood by and watched nervously.

Nora ended up giving them a passing grade for the inspection and left to go home to be back in time for the new episode of Gossip Girls.

At dinner time, Serah pulled Noctis to the side, "Thank you so much for taking the blame for me. I don't know how I can ever repay you. Did my sister give you your raise already?"

"Yes, but that's because she put me in charge of all the finances and payroll, I'm practically the one running this place at this point," he answered.

Snow butted in, "Good one Noctis! That must've took some real guts to take the blame for Light," he said with his mouth full of today's fried chicken dinner.

It was time for Serah to confess, "Snow, you know, it really wasn't my sister…it's me."

"SERAH NO!"

Next time: What will Lightning do with all the money she won at the casino in Midgar?

-end-

Ok funny story, my sister read this chapter before she saw the scenes from FF13, so she thought it was freaking hilarious that Hope's mom dies in the 1st hour of the game considering that I consider the canon FF13 story to be the prequel to this fanfiction.

By the way, there is more of Nora (and Judge Yuffie!) in future chapters :)

Thank you so much to my reviewers! I love hearing from you guys!

Kurochach- Glad to hear you laughed as hard as I did when I wrote that chapter! :)

CustomEyes- Wall Market is one of my absolute favorite places in the Final Fantasy universe! I keep a save file in Wall Market to just explore when I feel like it, so I went back to it to write that chapter. Glad to hear you loved the Judge Yuffie segment! I had a fun time writing it! :)

AngeloHeroOfLight- Funny you say that Lightning was gonna murder someone because she really almost murdered Snow!


	14. Chapter 14: Festival Part 1

Chapter 14: Festival Part 1

After everyone had settled down at the kitchen table with their dinner, Lightning started their daily post-conference meeting, "As you may or may not know, Noctis and I hit it BIG at the casino in Midgar-"

"How big!?" Sazh asked as he spoon-fed his son.

"Enough to pay off my students loans," Noctis announced, and received a huge applause and standing ovation from everyone in the room.

"And on top of that, those Kingdom Hearts kids bought lifetimes passes to the farm, so if you see them loitering off hours, don't say anything," Lightning added.

"We sell lifetime passes?" little Hope asked.

"We do now!" Vanille answered, "For $100,000 each. I kid you not, Sora handed me $300,000 in cash this morning!"

"That's great! Serah and I can finally have our dream wedding!" Snow said, "Let's go to Wutai, Judge Yuffie told us we can come stay at her hotel anytime!"

"Judge Yuffie owns a hotel?" Fang asked as she used to spear as a knife instead of an actual knife.

"Judge Yuffie owns an EMPIRE!" Serah answered, "Please sis, can me and Snow finally have our wedding? We've been engaged for years, our engagement necklaces are starting to rust." Lightning had insisted they postpone their wedding in hope that Snow would eventually pass away of natural causes.

"Hey where's Tidus?" Hope asked when he saw Tidus wasn't at his usual spot by the trash can.

"He's filing a police report for the 5 vehicle collision that happened in our parking lot," Lightning said, then answered Serah, "No. We're gonna- good Odin don't cry Serah!"

Snow cradled his fiancé in his arms, "GOSH Lightning, for once in your life make Serah SMILE, not weep!"

Noctis spoke up, "She was going to say, we're gonna have a festival, with rides, and food, and musicians."

"MUSICIANS!?" Hope screamed, "CAN WE GET ZACK FAIR TO PLAY AT THE FESTIVAL!?"

"HELLZ YEAH!" Lightning said and gave Hope a very hard high-five.

"Who's Zack Fair?" Tidus said as he came in started serving himself some dinner.

"Only the biggest SOLDIER-turned-rockstar in the world!" Sazh answered, "I had to drive Hope to a concert once behind his mother's back. Have you been living under a rock!?"

"Under the sea actually!"

Serah was still crying, so her sister said, "If you wanna have your wedding during the festival that's fine with me, just make sure it's not during Zack Fair's performance, cuz I WILL NOT miss that."

"You hear that Snow! We're getting married!" Serah said, left the table, ripped the curtains off the windows and got to hand-sewing her wedding dress in the living room. Kairi was outside staring at them through the now naked window.

"Yo Noctis, you mind if I borrow your bedsheets or something so Serah can sew me a tuxedo?" Snow asked, knowing that everything Noctis owned was black.

"Of course, I have no use for them anyways."

"Hey," Tidus said, "my wife and her two best friends started a girl group, can they perform too?"

"I guess, they have to do it for free though, we spent our entire musician budget booking Zack Fair," Noctis answered, since he was practically managing this festival since he knew Lightning would be spending the entire day in line to be front row for Zack Fair.

"I need you guys to call everyone you know and try to find the best deals for catering and rides," Lightning said, got up, and left for her evening hike.

"Why leave US with all the dirty work!?" Snow said with anger.

They got to calling everybody they knew. Fang tried to call 500 years' worth of her descendants, but quickly found out that they were a gypsy tribe that hunted chocobos for sport.

Snow dialed his new best friend, "Judge Yuffie! I'm getting married! Yes, you are invited, YES there will be food! Speaking of food, can you bring us some food? And, uh… you happen to own a… rollercoaster?"

Sazh dialed his new black market dealer, Barret, whom they had met at Midgar, "You said you got everything, you got a taco truck? Or a pizza oven?"

"I got noodles, and a LOT of them, 100 gil!" Barret answered.

"5 gil, or no deal!"

In the corner, Vanille sat holding the phone, her hands were shaking. Serah saw what was happening and sat next to her. "Are you gonna call who I think you're gonna call?"

"No!" Vanille lied. "Yes…"

His name was Noel, he and Hope were the only male-cheerleaders on Serah's cheerleading squad in highschool. Vanille had a major crush on him and asked him out to prom (see chapter 1), but he declined. His family owned a frozen yogurt bar!

Serah took the phone, dialed the number, then left it on Vanille's lap and ran away.

"NOOOOO!" Vanille screamed, and also ran away.

"Hello?" They heard Noel answer on speaker phone.

Hope recognized the voice and took the phone, "Hey Noel! Long time no see!"

"Yeah!"

"We're having a festival at the Farron Sister's Chocobo Farm, you think you'd want to sell frozen yogurt here?"

"Of course!"

"SEE VANILLE! You could have done it! He always says yes to everything," Serah said, getting back to her sewing.

"NO I CAN'T!" Vanille answered. He did not tell her yes for prom.

Noctis walked over with his clipboard, "Did we get any catering?"

"Yes," Hope told him, "We got a guy named Noel Kreiss, for frozen yogurt."

"Ew," Noctis said, "Anything else?"

Sazh pushed Hope aside, "We got NOODLES! Instant Ramen noodles to be exact, but they're dirt cheap so we can make a huge profit."

'_Don't you people have some standards_?' Noctis wanted to say. Tidus came running with excitement.

"GREAT NEWS!" Tidus started, "I got the AL BHED to bring rollercoasters, spinning teacups, and a Ferris wheel!"

"SO WHAT?" Snow pushed Tidus aside, "Judge Yuffie just told me she's bringing her entire filming crew to film our wedding!"

"Please Snow," Serah said from her sewing station, "Don't stare at the cameras and make supermodel poses like you did at my highschool graduation."

"No promises!"

"Hey Tidus," Fang asked, "You know a lady named 'Lulu'?"

"Yes! She hates my guts!" Tidus answered. "Why you ask?"

"Turns out she's my great-great-great-great-great granddaughter, what's she like?" Fang asked.

"She's mean, sassy, and graduated top of her class at Hogwarts. She's also the manager of my wife's girl group. She scares me," Tidus answered, the entire reason he applied for his position at the farm was to get away from her.

"A witch, AND a bitch, I can't wait to meet her!" Fang said with glee.

Tidus really hoped that his coworkers would never meet Lulu and witness the embarrassing harassment she imposes on him. "Hey, Noctis, I know this sounds weird, considering you think higher of rats than you do me-"

"Of course, rats are friends," Noctis interrupted.

"But do you think I can be project manager for the festival?" Tidus finished his question. He was currently the lowest paid employee and knew he needed to start working his way up the farm's corporate ladder.

Serah stopped her sewing, Sazh dropped his son onto the floor, Snow stopped peeing midstream in the bathroom, Fang and Vanille stopped braiding each other's hair, and Hope's hand froze as he was writing his letter to his mom.

The room was silent and eight pairs of eyes were staring at Tidus, waiting to see what would happen next.

"You mean, you want to be in charge of _everything_?" Noctis tried to clarify.

"Yeah!"

"Tidus, think before you speak!" Sazh said.

This wasn't such a terrible idea actually, Noctis thought, all the odds and gods were against Tidus, and he would probably ruin everything and get fired. Then Noctis would never have to hear his annoying laughter ever again.

"Be my guest," Noctis said, and handed Tidus his clipboard, gun, cellphone, and car keys.

Next time: How big of a disaster will the festival be?

-end-

I decided to update early since this is such a short chapter! The next chapter is super fun and chaotic. If you're enjoying the story please leave me a review! Thank you CustomEyes :D


	15. Chapter 15: Festival Part 2 & Wedding

Note: If you haven't seen/ don't remember the opening of X-2 please go watch it now. If you haven't heard/ don't remember the song 'Crazy Chocobo' from XIII-2 please go listen to it now. Also, please excuse Noel's lackluster cameo in this chapter; I just needed somebody, _anybody_, to be the 2nd food vendor.

Chapter 15: Festival Part 2

"YOU DID WHAT?" Lightning asked Noctis. When she got back from her hike at 6AM she did not expect to see Tidus engaging with their vendors. "That fool can't choose between pants and shorts, how do you expect him to do your job?"

"This will be good for him," Noctis lied, "he'll grow and be more productive."

"He was born to be nothing but a tool," Lightning insisted, "not even a real tool, just one of those tiny screwdivers Serah uses to unscrew her Tamagotchis."

At that moment Tidus walked up to them, "Bad news, Zack Fair's people say he's gonna be late. Good news, my wife and her girl group are here!"

"Who?" Lightning asked.

"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU!" the three girls sang.

"Don't open your mouth until we get paid," their manager said and hit them. "My name's Lulu, the manager and Yuna's guardian mother, we only accept cash."

Fang and Vanille rushed over as soon as they realized what was happening. "Lulu, so nice to meet you, I'm Fang your great great great great great grandmother. And this is Vanille, your great great great great great aunt," Fang said.

"Nice to meet you, where's our money?" Lulu answered.

"I like her, she gets right to it," Fang and Vanille agreed.

"Hey, hey Lulu, I told you we couldn't pay you, and that Yuna still wants to do it for free for the publicity," Tidus tried to explain.

"You give us the money right now, or I will spank you until you start pooping," Lulu threatened.

"HAHAHA!" Everyone started laughing at Tidus.

"nO," Tidus shrieked, and took out all of his personal money he had in his wallet. Not again, not now, not here.

Hope ran up to Lightning, "Hey boss, I want to be first in line for Zack Fair! I don't care if you don't pay me for today. He is my hero!" Hope pleaded.

"No," Lightning answered, "You be second in line, right after ME!"

"YEAHHHHH!" Hope screamed, and he and his new best friend left to start the line.

"Oh, here's the Al Bhed!" Tidus said when he saw the dusty trucks drive into their parking lot. He ran over to greet their leader Cid and use his Al Bhed skills. "Muhk desa hu caa! E's kmyt oui luimt syga ed, tet oui veq druca muuca clnafc uh dra nummanluycdan?"

"Hu fa tet hud, bmayca cekh drec byban cyoehk dryd fa femm hud pa ramt nacbuhcepma vun yho ehzineac," Cid replied and handed Tidus their contract to sign. The Al Bhed then proceeded to set up the rides.

Inside the barn, Serah and Snow were setting up for their wedding ceremony. Lightning had only given them $100 for their wedding budget, but they tried to take is as far as they could. They used the hundred dollars to rent chairs.

And they stayed up all night sewing and picking flowers from the plains to make Serah's bouquet and decorations, but with Snow's terrible night vision they ended up collecting mostly dead flowers. "Don't worry babe," Snow told Serah when the sun came up, "This will represent the death of our past life." He then scattered the dead flowers in a path leading from the barn to the ticket booth.

After Tidus greeted the Al Bhed, Barrett showed up with a wagon and his daughter Marlene.

"Excuse me sir," Tidus said after noticing his arm, "I am afraid machine guns are not permitted on festival grounds."

"No gun, no ramen!"

Tidus went inside the house, removed the shower curtain from the bathroom, and then used it to wrap Barrett's machine gun arm to disguise it.

Noctis walked over to Tidus, "How is he gonna make and serve ramen with only one arm?"

"He said his daughter Marlene will do all the work! He just collects the money," Tidus answered.

"You do realize that violates child labor laws, I can call the cops on you right now, you wouldn't survive 10 seconds in jail with those half-pants-half-shorts," Noctis threatened him.

"No time to get arrested, my next vendor is here!" Tidus answered and ran over to the Kreiss family that just arrived with their frozen yogurt truck.

Since Hope was in line for Zack Fair with Lightning, Vanille had to do all the ticket sales herself, which left her no choice but to ring up the Kreiss family. "Welcome to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, where our chocobos refuse to take you to prom…" she quietly and sadly greeted them. "How many people?"

"Three people," Noel answered, "Hey I knew you in high school! You were on our cheer squad right? What was your name again…Vanilla?"

Vanille began hysterically weeping, "Just go!" She threw the tickets at his face then began rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

At opening time at 8AM, the masses started arriving, and there was no Tidus at the parking lot to try to prevent their daily 5 vehicle collision. Vanille had to woman up and push her feelings aside to do her job.

"WELcome, how maNY TICKets?" her voice cracked.

"Two please," the blond haired young man answered, holding his brunette girlfriend's purse.

"Oh Cloud! How are you?" Vanille said when she realized who it was, "Is it true Zack Fair's gonna be late?"

"He's in the hospital, he had a grand mal seizure, turns out he is resistant to seizure meds and only calms down when given Mako intravenously. Aeris said it was very hard for her to do that to him, to infuse him with what was killing him," Cloud answered.

"He should still make it!" Cloud's girlfriend Tifa answered the original question, then paid for their tickets.

The Kingdom Hearts kids were next in line, "Do we still gotta get in line to get in? I didn't pay $300,000 to waste time!" Sora said.

"Of course not!" Vanille said, and gave them all keys to the farm. "You pay, you stay!" The KH kids went in then Vanille's work phone started ringing. "Hello how may I help u?"

"THIS IS TIDUS IF JUDGE YUFFIE COMES LET HER IN FOR FREE DON'T WORRY I WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES," Tidus quickly said then hung up.

Tidus was at the rollercoaster, translating for the Al Bhed running the ride, who could not speak English. "In from the right side, out through the left side, buckle our seat belts, do not try to go hands free, no eating or drinking, any questions? No? GREAT!" Tidus translated for the passengers, then ran to the next ride, the tea cups, to translate again.

Snow and Fang were waiting for their shuttle to fill up, but the only people on board were Cloud and Tifa. Instead of starting the engine, Snow and Fang sat next to the two.

"Be HONEST with me," Snow said, pretending he's known these people for years, "If I asked you to be the best man at my wedding, would you say yes?"

"Say no, trust me," Fang warned.

"Yes he would!" Tifa answered for Cloud. "Come on Cloud, this would be good for you, maybe you'll make a new friend."

"I don't want to make new friends," Cloud answered.

"PERFECT!" Snow said, "My wedding's at the barn at 5PM, be there or be square!"

"Cloud, you are not square, you are important," Tifa told her clinically depressed boyfriend.

"You guys still want the tour?" Fang asked, "Or would you rather I give you a 'tour' of my boss's panty collection?"

"Choose the panties, they are NOT what you're expecting!" Snow told them. Cloud and Tifa agreed on the panties, and were taken inside to the house to raid Lightning's underwear drawer.

As Tidus was running from the Tea Cups to the Ferris Wheel, he passed Lightning and Hope who were still in line. "Tuesday, get us something to eat," Lightning ordered.

"TUESDAY?" Tidus couldn't believe what she had called him this time. "Ok yeah sure, right after I translate for the Al Bhed at the Ferris Wheel," he answered and ran off.

"What's this line for?" a young man with a scar on his face asked Lightning and Hope.

"ZaCk FaIr!" Hope screamed with pure excitement and did a handstand just cuz.

"THE Zack Fair?" Squall asked. "I'm a huge fan."

"You know it, it cost me my entire casino fortune to book him," Lightning answered. "I'm Lightning, the manager by the way. This is Hope, my ticket boy."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Squall," he said, then turned to his girlfriend who had been standing silently. "Sorry Rinoa, you're gonna have to go on the Ferris Wheel yourself," he told her, then got in line.

All this time Noctis had been roaming the festival grounds leisurely, since Tidus had insisted on doing everything, including security. He was not used to all this free time, so he got a clipboard and started writing down all the health and safety code violations he could possibly find, just for fun. He approached the ramen stand. "Uh, one…ramen?"

"Comin' right up!" Barret said and took the money. "FASTER MARLENE!"

Marlene took a used bowl from the trashcan, turned up the fire to maximum heat, power-steamed the ramen, and then scooped it into the bowl with her bare hands. She handed it to Noctis, "Fork or chopstick?"

"Fork," Noctis answered, Marlene handed him one chopstick and got back to work. He threw away the ramen, then walked up to the frozen yogurt truck. "One…ugh, frozen yogurt?"

"What size?" Noel asked, "We got MEGA, OMEGA, and MAGNUM!"

"Magnum," Noctis answered, "Go big, or go home." Noctis did not want to return to his kingdom, where he was subject to the judgment of his father, the King of Lucis.

"One MAGNUM comin' right up," Noel said, then 6 minutes later got out of the truck to hand Noctis a cup of frozen yogurt the size of a trashcan. It was a trashcan.

Noctis took one bite and hated it, he went to throw it away but decided not to. He walked over to the now huge concert line to give it to Lightning and Hope, who were playing poker with Squall. "Take it, I don't want it," he said, dropped off the froyo, and left.

"Yaaaay!" Hope said, "This is the best day of my LIFE!" He started devouring the yogurt with his bare hands. "Try it Light!"

She had actually never tried frozen yogurt before, she always thought it was a mainstream teenager thing, which went against her alternative adult lifestyle. She took the tiny spoon Noctis left and tried it, she loved it! "It's sweet like onions, but sour like my soul!"

Tidus had been running all around the grounds, and realized he hadn't checked up on the employees. He ran to the petting zoo. "How's it going? Tell me it's going well, I don't have enough time. How does Noctis DO THIS!?"

"He can teleport-" Serah began talking.

"WHAT!?"

"And a kid swallowed a baby chocobo, I've been trying to call you but you weren't picking up," she finished her sentence.

"WHAT!?"

Serah took him to the child, whom she tied to the gate with a rope so she wouldn't lose them. "Don't ask me how it happened, it just did," Serah said.

Tidus quickly took the nearest object he could find, which was a shovel, and started hitting the child in the stomach.

"Tidus stop!" Serah screamed, the kid was crying as Tidus was striking his stomach with the shovel over and over again, eventually the kid vomited up the live baby chocobo.

Tidus immediately dropped the shovel and ran to the other side of the corral, "SAZH! How's it going!?"

"Miserable!" he answered, and continued to load and unload the kids onto the chocobos.

"GREAT!" Tidus quickly ran away and went to the shuttle to check on Snow and Fang, but they were not there. "SHIZNIT I forgot to get the food for Lightning and Hope!" he realized, and started the engine and tried to drive the shuttle to the ramen stand.

HONK HONK went the honk as Tidus tried dodging the countless children with his nonexistent driving skills. He got off and ordered, "Give me the cheapest thing you got!"

"You got it!" Barret said. "MARLENE one cup of ramen water, RIGHT NOW!"

Marlene took a styrofoam cup and dunked it into the currently boiling ramen concoction to get some of the starchy ramen water. She handed it to Tidus, "Straw or spoon?"

"Both!" Tidus answered, paid for the crud, and ran back to the shuttle and saw Noctis slashing the tires. "NOCTIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

"You were driving without a license, I can't let you endanger the lives of these brainwashed, hopeless tourists, they're our money makers," he answered then added "reckless driving" to the 5th page of his safety report.

Tidus ran back to the concert line to hand over the ramen water. Lightning, Hope, and Squall were playing a game of BS to decide who gets to stand on top of the trashcan during the concert. Hope had one card left, he was about to win! "One Q-q-q-q-q-ueen," he shuttered as he put down his last card.

"Bulls***" Both Lightning and Squall said.

"I WINNNNNNNN!" Hope screamed and took the trashcan, "mINE!"

"Here's some ramen water!" Tidus said and handed Lightning the crud.

"Ew," she said and threw it into Hope's trashcan. "Is Zack Fair here yet? It's almost time for the concert to start."

"No, but his nurse girlfriend Aeris called and said the paramedics are on the way to drop him off," Tidus answered, "But hey hey hey, Yuna and the Gals are ready to go on, let's start the concert now!"

Tidus unlocked the gate for the concert area and the massive line turned into a mob trying to run to get first row. Hope took his trashcan and started to attack people who were getting in his way, but he, Lightning, and Squall managed to get first row. "YEAHHH!" they screamed, and Hope stood on his trashcan ready to see Zack Fair clearly from an adult's height.

Tidus took the stage and announced on the microphone, "Hey guys! Welcome to the first annual Farron Sister's Chocobo Farm festival concert! Can I get a 'woot woot'!"

"ZACK FAIR! ZACK FAIR! ZACK FAIR!' the audience chanted.

"Yes! Zack Fair is on his way, but first let's welcome Yuna and the Gals!" Tidus finished his introduction.

"ZACK FAIR ZACK FAIR ZACK FAIR!" the crowd chanted as Yuna, Rikku, and Paine took the stage.

"Hello, my name's Yuna, and these are my Gals, please enjoy our performance," she said, and got ready for their first song.

"WE LOVE YOU ZACK!"

"ZACCCCCK!"

"OH MY GAWD ZACK FAIR!" The crowd continued.

Lulu took her place backstage and started conjuring her black magic to create dramatic light effects. "What can I do for you!" the song started.

Yuna started walking forward and spun around until her summoner outfit turned into her popstar outfit right before your very eyes. "I can't hear you!"

"Far beyond the hazy borders of my heart

_I could see a place_

That's somethin' like this!"

The crowd was in AWE by this unknown girl singing with the voice of an angel, the dance grooves of an elegant giraffe, all with special effects of a Harry Potter movie.

"And though I know

The world of real emotion has surrounded me

I _won't_ give into it

Now I know!"

Her gals were behind her, twerking along. Yuna ended the song and the stage exploded into ice shards and the words "Final Fantasy X-2" appeared.

The crowd clapped apprehensively. "Not bad," they were saying.

Her Gals disappeared, and rain started to fall, Yuna began her next song.

"I know that you're hiding things

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a _dream_

But dreams could never fool me

Not that _easily_…"

Her songstress outfit began to glow, and a vision of another time, another place appeared. It was a blond haired young man, much more handsome than Tidus, he was trying to activate some sort of _weapon_.

"But now I'm not afraid to say, WHAT'S IN MY HEART," Yuna transformed into an entirely different, prettier person.

"Oh, a thousand words

One thousand embraces

Will cradle you

Making all of your weary days seem far away

They'll hold you _forever…"_

The vision continued, the new Yuna ran to the blonde, and begged him to stop before it was too late. When he saw who it was, he _ran_, and held her in a tight embrace. All of a sudden there were dozens of soldiers, all pointing their guns at the couple.

"_NO_" Lightning thought. She held onto Hope tightly, who was crying, afraid that it might be too late for them to escape.

The guns fired, and killed the two. They spent their last moments staring at each other's beautiful faces. Yuna turned back to her normal, less attractive self, and fell down crying. "A thousand words…"

"YEAHHH!" Everyone cheered after having experienced the most beautiful and emotional performance of the century.

"Next up is Zack Fair!" Tidus announced.

"ZACK FAIR ZACK FAIR ZACK FAIR!" The crowd chanted, quickly forgetting all about Yuna and her Gals.

Backstage, Zack was still laying on the stretcher, barely conscious. "Aeris…please…I need to get onstage…"

"No, no, I'm so sorry," Aeris said as she injected him with a dangerous dose of pure mako. Zack awoke with the energy of a thousand chocobos, and took his electric buster sword guitar onto the stage.

"Did somebody say, _Zack Fair_?"

"AHHHH!" Hope and Lightning shrieked as they witnessed their hero and savior get on stage.

"Embrace your dreams, if you want to be a hero, you gotta have dreams," Zack said, then started death metal shredding on his guitar.

"So you think you can ride this CHOCOBO!

Got Chocobucks? You better put them on this CHOCOBO!

Saddle up, if you think you can ride in this RODEO!

Are we in hell? I don't know, to the dirt, let's ROLL!

You're loco If you think you're gonna hide this CHOCOBO!

Everybody's gonna wanna ride your CHOCOBO!

It's Choco-loco style in a CHOCO-RODEO!

Gonna ride him straight through hell in this CHOCOBO RODEO!"

Hope, Lightning, and Squall started moshing and headbanging with everyone else in the crowd. Lightning started punching and kicking random people and Squall was attacking people with his gunblade. A wall of death started to form, and Hope got right in the middle of it to become the sacrificial lamb.

Back at the barn, Judge Yuffie's camera staff were setting up their equipment and setting endless plates of sushi on the buffet table. "Judge Yuffie!" Snow and Serah said, and bowed as she entered the barn. "We are HONORED to have you here today! May I interest you in some of Serah's homemade horchata?" Snow offered and gave her a glass of the horchata.

"Horchata? More like MORE-chata, keep it comin!" Judge Yuffie complimented and Snow handed her the entire jar.

"Of course! Anything for you Judge Yuffie, please come over and claim your reserved seat, front row on MY side!" Snow said and guided her to her throne.

It was getting close to 5PM, so Vanille, Fang, Sazh, and Noctis locked up their stations and took their seats on Serah's side. Snow recruited some random strangers to sit on his side.

When Snow returned to the barn, he saw Serah crying. "God Serah, you're ruining your makeup! Do you really want your acne scars to show up on camera?"

"Tidus told me…that Lightning and Hope are still at the concert…and might not make it on time, and that Hope might not make it at all. He said Hope accepted the role as Zack's 'sacrificial lamb' whatever that means," she continued to cry.

"Who cares! It is an HONOR for Hope to be sacrificed his hero and savior Zack Fair, and Lightning hates my guts!"

"But Hope is one of my best friends, and I can't get married without my sister's shrug of approval!" Serah cried off the rest of her makeup.

It was now 5PM, and Snow and Serah took their places. Judge Yuffie's audio crew started playing the wedding song, and Serah started her procession down the aisle.

"GOD she's so BEATIFUL! Acne scars and all!" Snow got teary-eyed as he saw his to-be wife come closer and closer.

Yuna took her place as the Priestess, and began the ceremony. "Two beautiful souls, here today to become one in the name of Yevon-"

"In the name of SHIVA!" Snow got furious.

"-and proclaim their love for all eternity, in front of friends and family," Priestess Yuna finished. "Serah Farron, do you take Snow to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part."

"_Yes."_

"Do you, Snow, take-"

"YES YES YES!"

"You may now say your vows," Priestess Yuna said.

Serah began, "Snow, you believed me when no one else did. When the fal'Cie said destroy Cocoon, you believed me when I told you to save it. And when I turned into crystal, you stayed by my side while everyone else just left, and you tried to excavate me from the ground."

"Is that it? She's just listing things he did?" Fang complained.

"SHUT IT!" Sazh said.

Snow then started, "Serah, I believed you when no one else did. When the fal'Cie said destroy Cocoon, I believed you when you told me to save it. And when you turned into crystal, it was ME who stayed by your side and tried to excavate you from the ground. Lightning punched me two, maybe three times, can't remember cuz she gave me a concussion, but I NEVER doubted you. Lightning said you were DEAD, but I knew you were always with us, and that you were always watching," Snow concluded his story. "Now a message from my best man!"

Cloud slowly took the stage as the audience clapped awkwardly and the cameras zoomed in to his face. "Uh…I, I, I came here a few weeks ago looking for a job…" he looked over at Tifa for encouragement.

"You can _do it_ Cloud, just _believe_."

He gathered up all the courage he had, and continued on, "They told me, 'you're not wanted here' and 'don't you dare show your face around us ever again' and 'you were a fool to think you had a chance' and 'you're just a _puppet_.' But when I saw Snow again this morning, he told me he needed me to be his best man, because no one else can, because no one else _would_-"

"HAHAHA!" the audience laughed.

"See! You doing _great_ Cloud, don't give up," Tifa said.

"Haha, well, next thing I know, they forced me to do manual labor and set up all these chairs, and hang all the banners. And when I tried to take a break, Snow would just tell me, 'Get to work PUPPET!' But I know, he made me do all that, because he loved Serah and just wanted-"

At that moment Lightning and Hope ran in and took their seats. "Enough you puppet! Your work here is done, you are no longer needed, get lost!" Snow told Cloud.

Priestess Yuna took the stage again, "Any objections? Speak now or forever hold your peace."

Serah looked over at her sister, "Lightning?" She gave her shrug of (dis)approval.

Snow looked over at his best friend, "Judge Yuffie?"

"Guilty!...of being in LOVE!" Judge Yuffie proclaimed, and hammered her gavel.

"You may now kiss the bride," Priestess Yuna finally said. Serah tackled Snow to the ground and they started to make out. Fireworks started exploding and the sound crew started blasting 'TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!'

Next time: The farm has an outbreak of the Chocobo Flu, who will survive?

-end-

How appropriate that this chapter has FF7 cameos to celebrate the announcement of the FF7 Remake! I had finals this week but that did NOT stop me from watching the E3 livestream!

So, good news: I'm done with school. More good news: Ever since I announced back in chapter 9 that I had to slow down the updating due to school, I have written about 40 pages (15.7K words), which is about 1/3 the length of the entire (published and unpublished) story so far. Bad news: These 40 pages are only 3.5 chapters (VERY long and fun chapters). Since my chapters are becoming very long I want to continue updating every 2 weeks so I don't fall behind. I hope you all understand .

If you enjoyed the chapter please leave me a review with your thoughts! (Favorite part/character/whatever!) Thank you CustomEyes and DSabala14 for reviewing! :) DSabala14: I will be sure to include a Gadot and Lebreau cameo in a chapter. See you all next time!


	16. Chapter 16: Chocobo Flu

Chapter 16: The Chocobo Flu

After they closed the farm and shut down the festival the gang decided to throw a wedding afterparty for Snow and Serah at the house since they still had a ton of sushi left over.

"You know, back in Zanarkand, we didn't make sushi, we just ate whole fish raw!" Tidus commented as he gobbled down sushi and Yuna stuffed some sushi into her purse for later.

Serah noticed that Hope was covered in bruises and had a black eye, "Hope, are you ok? I heard you sacrificed yourself? What's that all about anyways?"

"In Zack Fair's concerts, one audience member volunteers to be the sacrificial lamb," Lightning explained, "the lamb puts themself in the middle of the wall of death, and Zack dives into the crowd to save the lamb and carry the lamb onto stage and perform a reenactment of the passing down of the buster sword, symbolizing the coronation of the next hero and savior."

"It was an HONOR," Hope said weakly, then showed Serah his autographed plastic buster sword.

"Isn't Cloud technically the next hero and savior, since Zack passed down his buster sword to him?" Vanille asked after eavesdropping.

"Cloud is a puppet, a failed experiment, he is dead to us," Lightning explained. "Zack will always be our hero and savior."

"Um, is there a reason why there's a cop car parked outside?" Fang said after she noticed the sirens flashing through the window.

"Finally," Noctis said, and opened the door to greet the police officer. "Officer, thank goodness you're here, he's over there," he said and pointed to Tidus.

"You are under arrest for violating child labor laws and driving without a license," the cop said as he handcuffed Tidus' hands and ankles.

"WHAT!?"

"HAHAHA!" everyone laughed at Tidus.

Sazh ran to Tidus, "Listen to me carefully, your name is T-Slice, you were arrested for possession of an illegal weapon, and for the love of all things holy don't show anyone the way you laugh," he advised Tidus, knowing he wouldn't last 10 seconds in jail the way he was.

"No! Live and let live!" Tidus yelled as he was carried outside and into the patrol car.

Yuna approached Noctis, "Seriously! Tidus wouldn't harm a fly! My school teacher wage can't pay his bail," she cried.

"Don't worry," Noctis said, "I'm just teaching him a lesson, to never try to become more than the tool he is. I'm friends with all the police officers, I earned their trust and friendship when I was in prison. They'll release him in the morning."

Yuna ran out to get into her car and drive down to the police station to hold Tidus' hand through the cell bars.

After that pleasant arrest, the gang decided to call it a night and go to bed. The next morning as the gang was getting ready to open the farm for the day, some things were off.

"Why aren't the chocobos outside?" Lightning asked herself, it was Serah's job to feed, bathe, and take out all the chocobos. She went into the barn and saw Serah and Snow still lying in the hay. "Honeymoon later, get up and get to work."

"SIS SOMETHING'S WRONG!" Snow yelled. "I can't move!" Snow tried to move his body but couldn't.

Lightning went up to Serah and tried to wake her up, she slapped her face.

"Chocobos are love, chocobos are life," Serah weakly mumbled. "Can I please have some orange juice for breakfast?"

Serah was allergic to oranges, something was definitely wrong. Lightning ran outside and grabbed Fang and Vanille and started to drag them to the barn; she knew they had 500 years' worth of Pulse folk medical knowledge up their sleeves.

"Hey! Easy there, what's wrong sugarplum?" Fang asked.

"Something's wrong with Serah, I think she's finally gone crazy," Lightning said, surprised it took this long for Serah to crack after knowing Snow for so many years.

"Help! Help!" Snow yelled as he saw them getting closer. Vanille and Fang examined them, and came to a unanimous conclusion.

"It's the Chocobo Flu!" Vanille said. "Didn't they get vaccinated?"

"Vaccines are for the weak that can't handle natural selection," Lightning answered, "What do we need to do to get Serah back to normal?"

"Here's the thing," Fang started, "the Chocobo flu takes different forms, depending on the person. There are mental and physical strains of the Chocobo flu. Snow got the physical strain, and can't move. Serah got the mental strain and is mentally unstable, we need to tie her down so she doesn't do anything crazy. They both need antibiotics though."

"Vanille, call Aeris and tell her to get down here and be Serah's nurse," Lightning said and carried her sister to take her inside the house.

"You got it!" Vanille said and dialed Aeris.

"What about me!?" Snow protested, "Are you just gonna let me DIE here?"

"That's the plan," Lightning answered. Her prayers have finally been answered, this was the end of Snow Villiers.

At that moment a police car came to drop off Tidus, so Noctis and Sazh went to receive him. The Police man took out Tidus from the trunk and unlocked his hand and feetcuffs. "How was it boy? Did you do what I told you to do?" Sazh asked him.

"Yuna came and held my hand through the bars! She bribed the other prisoners with sushi so they wouldn't beat me up!" Tidus answered.

Noctis face palmed himself, frustrated that Tidus learned nothing. Lightning walked by carrying Serah, "What happened?" they asked.

"Serah got the chocobo flu, so don't do anything she tells you to do, she's not in her right mind," Lightning answered then looked at Tidus, "Hey Tidal Wave, you're in charge of the petting zoo today, be sure to get all the chocobos ready.

"TIDAL WAVE!?" Tidus was surprised by what she had called him this time, but was excited to get this temporary promotion! He got straight to work and entered the barn. He saw Snow laying hopelessly in the hay. "Hey Snow! You must have had a crazy night huh?"

"Tidus help me! Me and Serah both got the chocobo flu, but Light's only getting treatment for Serah, and letting me die here! I can't move," Snow pleaded.

"WHAT!?" Tidus was shocked. He knew what he had to do, although he really didn't want to resort to this. "Ok, my mother-in-law Lulu might be able to help. She's a witch doctor, hopefully she'll give us a family discount," he said and dialed her.

Hope and his weak, bruised body was left alone at the ticket booth while Vanille helped Lightning and Fang tie down Serah to a bed. After ringing up a few customers Nurse Aeris finally came. "Miss Gainsborough! How's Zack Fair doing?"

"When we came back to Midgar yesterday he went into cardiac arrest," Aeris explained sadly, "we tried shocking him back to life with the defibrillators, but it wasn't powerful enough. Cloud, Tifa, and Barret had to come and simultaneously cast Bolt3 on him, and we finally got him back."

Hope was crying, "He's my _hero_, he deserves none of this." He let her in through the gate so she could attend to Serah.

As Aeris entered the door she was greeted by Fang and Vanille, "Thank goodness you're here! She's gone iNsAnE!" Vanille yelled as they dragged her into the bedroom.

"Yo ass is so pretty, have you eva considered becomin a hoe, biatch? I gots a big-ass clientele, I be thinkin we can come ta a sick agreement if you decizzle ta work fo' mah dirty ass," Serah told her sister as she tried to resist the ropes that tied her down.

"SERAH! Get a grip!" Lightning said then turned to Aeris, "Do something! She thinks she's a pimp and has been trying to convince me and Fang to join her prostitution ring.

"She was _very_ convincing," Fang commented. "I had a hard time turning down her offer."

"Ok, everyone leave," Aeris suggested, and was left in the room with Serah.

"Hello! What's your name?" Serah asked happily.

"I'm Aeris," Aeris answered, "Tell me what's on your mind."

"First, I need the black material. I don't care what it takes, I'll kill Snow if I have to. Then I will face Sin, and summon the final aeon, and sacrifice MYSELF to become the next Sin. Then then then I'll invade the lifestream and become one with my great mother Jenova, and then-"

Aeris started to inject her with antipsychotic medication when Serah wasn't looking. "NOOOOOOOOOO DON'T TOUCH MEEEEEE! GET AWAAAAAY!" Serah yelled then fell into a deep sleep. Aeris then put in an IV and started some antibiotics.

Aeris exited the room, "I gave her a sedative and started her on some antibiotics, I'll assess her mental status hourly to track her progress," she told Lightning. "Is she the only one with the Chocobo Flu? It spreads through saliva so I would imagine she got is from someone else."

"Nope, just her. Make yourself at home, we have Netflix," Lightning told her and turned on the TV.

"THIS JUST IN, Chocobo Flu outbreak at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm," the newscaster said.

"SHIT!" Lightning yelled, then ran outside to see her worst fear. There were reporters everywhere. Noctis was getting interviewed.

"I can assure you, all of our chocobos and employees have been vaccinated," Noctis lied, took out a laser gun, and started shooting at the reporters until they ran away.

"Man, that was a close one!" Tidus told Noctis, "I almost told the reporters I wasn't vaccinated because it was against Yevon law."

"TUESDAY get back to work! I'm not paying you to be annoying," Lightning ordered Tidus.

"You're barely paying me at all! And you keep charging me for the farm's expenses!" Tidus said and took out his paycheck which stated 'Wages: $200, Chocobo feed: -$400, Electricity: -$125, Gasoline: -$600. '

"Oops," Noctis and Lightning shrugged and giggled, then left to go back to their security station.

"Oh no, there's Lulu!" Tidus said when he saw her coming through the gate and began to mentally prepare himself. "Nice to see you on this fine-"

"It's $800, cash only," Lulu interrupted and gave Tidus her medical home visit quote.

"Hey hey how about a family discount? I didn't marry Yuna for nothing!"

"I know, you married her because she was the only person who wasn't disgusted by the way you laugh," Lulu retorted. "$800 or I duct tape you to the ceiling fan."

"nO!" Tidus shrieked and took out his wallet to give her all the cash he had. She had previously duct taped him to the ceiling fan as a test of his devotion to Yuna, he barely survived.

Tidus escorted Lulu to the barn where Fang and Vanille were currently washing Snow's hair.

"Close your eyes," Fang said then dumped a bucket on Snow's head.

"KAH KUH KAHHH" Snow gagged as the water fell down into his windpipe.

"Come on, be a man!" Vanille said and started to scrub his hair with extra strength chocobo detergent.

"It BURNS!" Snow cried as the detergent went into his eyes. He saw Tidus and the Witch Doctor make their way towards him. "Thank goodness you're here! These Pulse Cavewomen don't know the first thing about basic care and comfort!"

"So he can't move? Everybody stand back," Lulu ordered. Once Snow was left alone she cast Thundaga on him; his entire body rose into the air and twitched then eventually fell back down to the hay.

"Your feeble spells are no match for my Viking man body!" Snow joked.

"He's not joking," Vanille said. "He once fell into the Lifestream and washed up ashore days later without a scratch! When Cloud did the same thing he was hospitalized for weeks."

Fang noticed the several belts and whips attached onto Lulu's skirt. "Don't judge me when I say this, but how about we give Snow a proper, bondage and torture treatment?"

"I would be delighted," Lulu said since she was also a part-time dominatrix. The four of them lifted up Snow's body and chained him to the wall. Lulu took off four belts from her skirt and handed one each to Tidus, Vanille, and Fang.

"The safety word is "Moogle," Lulu instructed Snow, "You guys ready?"

"I won't go so easy on you (next time)!" Tidus said.

"BRING IT!" Snow said. Four belt buckles came slamming onto Snow's torso, "dEAR LORD" he cried. Lulu began to slam the buckle over and over onto his knee cap while the other three flung the buckles in all directions. "NOT THE TEETH!" Snow cried as a buckle nearly cracked a tooth off.

"Then dodge it," Lulu teased.

Tidus accidently hit him in the groin, and Snow awakened, broke off the chains that bound him, took the belt from Tidus and started striking him back.

"AHHHH!" Tidus shrieked, "LIVE AND LET LIVE!"

"My work here is done," Lulu said and left the premises.

Aeris ran into the barn with panic, "Help! She's escaped!"

"SERAH!" Snow, Fang, Vanille, and Tidus all yelled and ran out to find her. They saw her up on top of the house roof with Hope, Lightning, Sazh, and Noctis.

"Give it to me or the boy gets it!" Serah demanded as she held onto Hope with a pencil at his throat.

"Put down the boy! He needs to go to college and become a man his wife and kids can be proud of!" Sazh pleaded.

"Mommy help me!" Hope cried out to the sky.

"Serah there's no Black Materia, but if you put down Hope I'll take you to the mall like you always wanted me to," Lightning tried to bargain.

"Too late for that BITCH!" Serah answered.

"HUH!?" Everyone gasped.

"DON'T YOU DARE call her that!" Fang yelled at Serah.

"Um, excuse me," Sora tapped on Snow's shoulder, "you're 2 minutes late for the 2:30 tour, Kairi's not a patient woman."

"Prom is over Sora, you won! Now get lost! My wife's up there about to kill one of her best friends!" Snow said and shoved Sora away. "What does she want!?" Snow asked the gang on top of the roof.

"Get something black, round, and shiny," Noctis yelled down as he dodged a knife thrown by Serah.

"Oh, the black materia!" Snow realized, then ran back to the barn to find his Sephiroth cosplay set. He took the plastic black material replica from the packaging, ran back outside, and climbed onto the roof. "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?"

"Snow stop the yelling she's 3 feet away," Lightning said.

"Yes!" Serah said, shoved Hope away and ran to get the materia.

"AHHH!" yelled Hope as he fell off the roof and into the pond. Tidus saw him drowning in the 3 feet of water and went to drag him out of the pond.

When Serah wasn't looking they jumped her, tied her limbs with rope, and took her down from the roof and back to the bedroom. Nurse Aeris took out a syringe of antipsychotics to knock her out again.

"Is this what you use when Zack gets his seizures?" Lightning asked, she had to know how to keep Zack alive when she plans to kidnap him.

"Oh no, he's completely immune to modern medicine," Aeris answered. "He only responds to high dose Mako radiation and magic spells."

"I think my dad can get us the Mako," Hope whispered to Lightning.

"Yes please," Lightning whispered back. The plan was to kidnap Zack, force him to marry her, then adopt Hope as their son; they would be a perfect family.

As Serah started to open her eyes Snow ran to her side and held her hand. "SERAH!" he yelled.

"Snow! I had a weird dream…I kissed a chocobo and then I wanted the black material to reunite with Jenova, and you were chained to a wall and tortured by Tidus, it was awesome!" Serah explained.

"That was no dream, that all happened. You were a mess!" Sazh told her.

Next time: It's Dajh's birthday! Noctis' crew comes to visit, will they be able to keep the party rated G?

-end-

The next chapter is the long awaited birthday party chapter! Lightning will have a birthday party later too, but it won't take place at the farm *wink wink*

Please leave me a review if you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you CustomEyes! :D See you all next time.


	17. Chapter 17: Birthday Party

Chapter 17: Birthday Party

It was 9pm several days later, Snow had challenged Lightning to a wrestling match so the gang stayed in the living room to witness and videotape this historic event, Serah disapproved of this completely and decided to actually do her job of zookeeper and went to the chocobo stables to feed the chocobos.

She put on her sister's warrior goddess armor to feed Gary and Hector their greens in their stable. As she exited their stable and locked the door shut she felt someone poke her, "miss serah, why are gary and hector in the same stable? my daddy says they can kill you if you look into their eyes," Dajh spoke his first words.

"YOU SPEAK!?" Serah yelled when she realized Dajh had finally become sentient.

"it's my birthday today, i'm 5 years old now," Dajh answered and handed her a calculator that read "4+1=5."

Serah grabbed his hand and walked him out of the barn and into the house. Lightning was hanging on the ceiling lamp and Snow had the entire kitchen table in his arms, ready to chuck it.

"SNOW NO," the gang yelled at him, they had agreed beforehand that objects over 5 pounds could not be used as weapons.

"SNOW YES!" he answered.

"You guys!" Serah yelled to catch their attention, she succeeded and they stopped in their tracks and turned off their videocameras. "Didn't you guys know today was Dajh's birthday? We should have thrown him a party, he deserves it for being so cute."

"Nuh uh," Sazh answered, "I tried to throw a birthday party for my older brother once, let's just say the piñata caught on fire and we were sued by his entire 6th grade class, so no birthday parties for Dajh."

"No! Let's do it!" Vanille said, "We've been working so hard, a birthday party is the perfect thing to cheer us up!"

"CAN WE BRING ZACK FAIR BACK TO PERFORM AT THE PARTY!?" Hope begged Lightning.

"Only if you sell yourself to human trafficking and give me the money," Lightning replied seriously.

"I'll see what I can do, I'll get back to you on that," Hope said and went to his laptop to start his research.

"No way, you guys had Zack Fair here and never told me?" Sora said as he came out from taking a nap in the bedroom, "I did not pay $50,000 for group chat privileges to be left out like this."

"Did you not get the group chat confirmation email?" Fang asked, she had volunteered to be in charge of Lightning's dirty work. "I sent it to paopaolover at gmail dot com."

"It's paoPU!"

"Hey Sora, how was prom?" Vanille asked when she remembered that Sora has taken Kairi to prom the week before.

"It was Fantastic! I took my dad's corporate helicopter and picked up Kairi at her house. We were 2 miles away from school when Kairi realized she forgot her shoes, so we flew back to her place and she put on her Spring/Summer 2015 Versace sneakers I got her for her birthday. When we finally got to school and stepped inside Kairi took one look at the dance floor and said, 'I ain't no hollaback girl,' so we left and went to Denny's," Sora explained.

"And Riku?" Vanille asked.

"Riku works at Denny's so that was hella awkward."

"We don't need no Zack Fair to have a good time," Snow said, "Tidus and I stole Noctis' boy band's mixtape from his car, they are NASTY!"

"omg Fang call his homeboys and tell them to come I gotta meet them," Lightning demanded.

"You got it sweet cheeks," Fang answered and started dialing up Noctis' boyfriends.

"What's our budget sis?" Serah asked.

"$12.93 take it or leave it," Lightning answered and handed her a bag of coins she had handpicked from the bottom of the pond.

After deciding on the details of the birthday party the gang went to sleep but Serah stayed up all night to bake a birthday cake and make guacamole and tater tots.

"Serah please, can we go to sleep now?" Snow begged. "I can't feel safe without you next to me." Snow's nightlight broke and he had to depend on the moonlight reflecting off Serah's extremely shiny and luminous hair.

"Ok ok," Serah said and left the cake to bake in the oven to go with Snow to their sleeping spot at the stables.

The next morning Tidus arrived at 6am sharp, and to score some extra points from Lightning he went into the stables to release the chocobos into the corral and start feeding them the greens.

"VIVAAAA LAS VEGAS!" Tidus started singing and dancing as he was doing his work.

"DEAR SHIVA Tyedus, shut the Pulse up!" Snow yelled as he and Serah were awakened by Tidus' parakeet voice.

"Oh hey! Didn't expect to see you two here. Must be nice getting to sleep in, the day Lightning lets me sleep on the job will be the day I get her face tattoo'd onto my own face." Tidus greeted them.

"Don't tell her that, she hates your face, she'll make you do it," Serah warned.

"So what did you bring for Dajh's party? Noctis said his crew's bringing steak and lobster, that's gonna be pretty hard to beat, even Serah's guacamole doesn't stand a chance," Snow asked Tidus as he and Serah got up from the hay and started to put away their stuff.

"What party!?" Tidus asked, the only thing he had brought was macaroni and cheese for himself.

"It's Dajh's birthday party, it starts at 10am, we're not doing business today, didn't Lightning tell you?" Serah said.

"She doesn't even know my name!"

It was 9am, Lightning was stabbing the hay with a pitchfork to let out her (subconscious) inner rage at all things, when finally in the distance Noctis' black car drove in from the horizon. 'They're hHERE!' she quietly screamed and ran into the house to quickly shave her legs.

She opened the bathroom door and saw Hope sitting on the toilet as Vanille was straightening his hair. "Then I said, 'nuh uh girlfriend, this is my hood, my rules!'"

"You tell her!" Vanille commented as Hope told her the story of when he tried to confront his bully in highschool.

"gET OUt!" Lightning yelled and shoved them out, she was running out of time.

Noctis and his gang walked into the living room carrying their karaoke equipment, "Hey Sazh, what's your policy on bad words? How far is _too far_?" Noctis asked.

"If it ain't on Sesame Street it ain't on this street!" Sazh answered on behalf of the birthday boy.

"S***!" Noctis cursed and turned to his gang, "We gotta redo our entire setlist." They had planned on singing current urban hits such as 'I'm in love with the coco' and 'Anaconda.'

"Heyyyyy hEY HEY!" Sazh said when he noticed the 3 young men Noctis called his friends and decided to introduce himself. "The name's Sazh, nice to meet you."

"Tally Ho Mr. Sazh, my name is Ignis, I hope you don't mind but I've brought an array of steak and lobster to grill on the barbeque," the one with the glasses said.

"Halleluiah!" Sazh exclaimed, happy he didn't have to settle for Fang's snake barbeque.

"My name's Gladiolus, or just Gladio, or Glad, or G, whatever you please," the huge one said and gave a firm handshake.

"My name's Prompto! I'm the soprano," the blonde one finished.

"Great! Has Noctis told you about Lightning? She's single and ready to settle down and have kids!" Sazh lied.

"Oh yes," Gladio said, "Noct told us about her credit card fraud, tax evasion, embezzlement, and use of child labor, I'd love to meet her!"

Outside Snow and Serah were setting the table with food as Fang was barbequing. Serah placed bowls of guacamole, pudding, tater tots, and beef jerky that she had made onto the table. Snow placed a few toothpaste tubes also.

"Nice! Where's the chips for the guacamole?" Tidus asked as he placed his small Tupperware container of macaroni and cheese Yuna made him for lunch onto the table.

"Chips are for losers that forget to carry hand-sanitizer!" Snow replied, covering up the fact that Serah just completely forgot about the chips. He then scooped some up with his hand to eat.

"Come on Snow, don't you remember what Princess Celestia said about table manners?" Serah reminded her child husband.

"You're right! Dear Shiva Serah, I'm a mess without you!" Snow replied, and grabbed a spoon instead.

"Um Fang, how much longer on the snake?" Serah asked, she needed to know since they were running out of table room.

"Give me another 2 hours! These babies need to be slow roasted to perfection," Fang answered as she continued grilling her already burnt snake skewers. Ignis walked up to the barbeque with coolers full of steak and lobster. "Um, excuse me?"

"Forgive my manners," Ignis started, "My name's Ignis, I'm Noct's royal adviser in training and personal chef, I've brought some steak and lobster to barbeque."

"I'm giving you 5 inches on the grill, no more no less," Fang told him, she and Vanille spent way too long hunting these snakes to be overshadowed by Ignis' fine cuisine

"That's all I need!" Ignis replied and started piling steak and lobster on his side of the grill.

Back in the living room Noctis' crew was still deciding on their new setlist, they so far had decided on Eiffel 65's 'I'm Blue' and Beyonce's 'Crazy in Love.'

Hope and Vanille tried to give them suggestions, "How about one of Zack Fair's songs?" Hope proposed.

"Zack Fair's a pussy," Gladiolus answered.

"ZACK FAIR'S MY HERO!" Hope got hysterical.

"what's a pussy daddy?" Dajh asked.

"A CAT," Sazh insisted.

"How about Taylor Swift? Or Selena Gomez!" Vanille suggested.

"Noct told us you were all basic, but DAYUM you guys are Disney Channel basic," Prompto replied.

"Hey where's Lightning?" Noctis tried to redirect the current argument.

"She's shaving, she has a couple of weeks worth to catch up on," Vanille spilled the beans.

At that moment Lightning finally came out of the bathroom cleanly shaven and wearing an Atelier Versace gown she had stolen from Serah's rival at the Miss Cocoon beauty pageant; she knew it would come in handy one day.

"DAYUM!" Prompto and Gladiolus said out loud.

"This is my boss, Lightning," Noctis finally introduced her.

"Call me Light," she said and shook their hands. "Nice gun," she added when she saw Prompto's guns.

Sazh walked over to start the negotiations, "So Gladiolus tell us about yourself; job, skills, hobbies, college education?"

"daddy I want to eat tater tots," Dajh asked politely.

"Not now Dajh, Daddy's doing business," Sazh replied.

"Well, I went to USC on a football scholarship and studied kinesiology, things led to another and I landed in jail for domestic abuse. That's where I met Noct, I'm his body guard now. As for hobbies, I enjoy shoe-making," Gladiolus answered.

"What kind of shoes?" Lightning asked, since she was wearing her regular guardian corps boots under the gown.

"Lady's shoes," he winked.

"Uhhh, how about you Prompto?" Sazh moved on to the next applicant.

"I'm a professional Vine star! Follow me promptits, I upload everyday with shoutouts every Friday," Prompto answered.

"Done!" Vanille said as she took out her phone and followed him on Vine.

"You said there's a college graduate that loves to cook too right?" Sazh asked Noctis quietly.

"Yeah, he's outside grilling," Noctis replied.

Sazh pulled Lightning aside to discuss their findings, "What'ya think?"

"They're cute but they're stupid, like puppies. I might take up that shoe deal with the tall one though," Lightning replied.

"Thank goodness," Sazh was relieved she didn't fall in love with these 2 losers. "What about Noctis? I thought he was everything you wanted in a man; rich, dark hair, foreign?"

"You kidding me? The prince of Lucis? I don't want to be the princess of Lucis, I want to be queen of the universe," Lightning replied, she had her priorities straight, Zack Fair was the king of her universe.

Hope and Vanille had stayed with Noctis, Gladiolus, and Prompto. "What did you think? She's great isn't she!" Hope asked them.

"She's cool, but too cool, when she shook my hand she was literally ice cold," Gladiolus answered.

"She's HOT!" Prompto said as he was uploading a secret video he took of her to Vine. #lookatdisbooty

"Didn't you want to marry her Hope?" Noctis asked, confused as to why he was on Sazh's side trying to find her a husband.

"If I can't be her husband I'll GLADLY be her son," Hope replied. He was rooting for the 'kidnap Zack Fair, force him into marriage, and adopt Hope as their son' plan.

Back outside, Tidus was sitting with Snow and Serah at the dining table enjoying the food and having a chat. "So Tidus, tell us about your life in this so called 'Zanarkand,'" Snow said as he held the entire bowl of guacamole and ate it with the spoon.

"I was a blitzball player! My old man too. In Zanarkand people fight for their privileges by playing blitzball. Want to go to school? Compete for a seat. Want to eat? Compete against other families. That being said, my dad and I had very comfortable lives," Tidus reminisced about the dog-eat-dog laws of Zanarkand.

"How did you meet Yuna?" Serah then asked.

"Well, my uncle Auron took me through some kind of portal and I ended up in Besaid. Yuna was studying to become a nun to make up for the fact that her adoptive sister Lulu was a witch doctor. To win her heart I had to learn the ways of Yevon and give up all use of machina, which was NOT EASY, and Lulu made me go through several tests to prove myself worthy of Yuna's heart. It wasn't as easy as the laws of Zanarkand. How about you two?" Tidus said.

Snow took a huge mouthful of guacamole before beginning his story, "I was in line for auditions for a Pantene commercial. I was going over the lines when suddenly this chick shows up and gets behind me in line. Her hair was so shiny and luminous I couldn't believe my eyes. I introduced myself and turns out she was there behind her sister's back to hopefully get some extra cash to buy herself some decent clothes, she was embarrassed of wearing her sister's hand-me downs to school. I told her 'girlfriend, your hair's so shiny ain't nobody looking at your clothes.' I needed the money for my toothpaste addiction but it was obvious that Serah was BORN to be in this commercial, so I gave up on the commercial and drove her home after she didn't get the job. I met her sis, who –no matter what she says- is now also my sis, and she beat me up for thinking a bum like myself is worthy of Serah. And now we're married!"

Tidus was crying, "That is _literally_, the most beautiful love story."

Dajh came over and tugged on Serah's hair, "miss serah, can I please have some tater tots?"

"Of course, Dajh, you're the birthday boy!" she said, got up, and placed some tater tots in a bowl for him.

"thank you!" Dajh told her, then placed a tater tot in his mouth, he immediately started choking.

"S***!" Serah screamed, she should have seen this coming, the bag the tater tots came in had a choking warning in large font.

"Tidus do something!" Snow said, knowing that he had previously saved a kid who swallowed a baby chocobo.

_-flashback-_

_Tidus quickly took the nearest object he could find, which was a shovel, and started hitting the child in the stomach._

"_Tidus stop!" Serah screamed, the kid was crying as Tidus was striking his stomach with the shovel over and over again, eventually the kid vomited up the live baby chocobo._

"Someone bring me a shovel!" Tidus yelled.

"nO!" Serah didn't want Tidus anywhere near choking children. She quickly started performing the Heimlich maneuver which she learned through the cpr training she went through before Hope's mom visited the farm.

"bleh!" Dajh finally coughed out the tot. Serah took away his bowl and instead gave him some pudding.

At that moment Lightning, Sazh, and Hope came out of the front door to meet Ignis. "WOOOHOOOOO!" Tidus yelled when he saw Lightning in the dress.

"Shut it Tabib," Lightning told him.

"TABIB!?" Tidus said, surprised by what she had called him this time.

Ignis was still grilling alongside Fang, "Pardon me for asking, is the snake meat supposed to be black?"

"What do YOU know about Pulse cuisine? Not a thing, didn't think so," Fang defended her burnt skewers.

Ignis spotted Lightning walking over in her Versace glory, "Dear lord! Your Highness, it is a pleasure to be in your presence," he said and got down on one knee and kissed her hand.

"Dayum, this one knows how to treat a woman, put him on my kidnap list," she told Hope.

"Ughh…" Hope reluctantly added Ignis' name onto his list.

"Enough with the chit chat, you have 30 seconds to sell yourself to us, go!" Sazh told Ignis.

"My name's Ignis, I'm His Royal Highness' royal advisor in training. I am also the chauffeur and personal chef. I cook His Royal Highness 3 meals a day and drive him wherever he pleases. I graduated from Yale with a Master's Degree in History. As for hobbies I enjoy reading, making tea, and dancing."

Sazh pulled Lightning to the side, "What do you think?"

"Personal chef and chauffeur, sign me up," she replied.

"This kid…has a degree in HISTORY, do you KNOW what that means? You say one word that reminds him of some war or king or queen and he'll tell you all about it. Everyday. Don't know about the Persian Gulf War? You will now. Is THAT the life you want!?" Sazh warned her.

"NO!" She turned to Hope, "Take him off the list NOW!"

Hope panicked, ripped the list to shreds, then ate it.

"All done!" Fang said, placed her snake skewers onto a large plate, then turned off the grill.

"I guess I am too!" Ignis agreed and removed his steaks off the grill. The two of them took the food to the dining table to set. Everyone had gathered around to start fighting over their share.

Vanille saw Fang's completely burnt, black snake skewers. "Umm Fang, what happened?" she quietly asked.

"PLEASE just go along with it, I screwed up big time, don't let them find out," Fang told her. "This here is 100% authentic Gran Pulse style grilled snake, if you can't handle it you're a PUSSY," Fang told everyone.

"I am NOT a pussy!" Snow got angry and served himself 3 skewers.

"i'm not a pussy either," Dajh said after having learned from his dad it meant 'cat.' "daddy I want cake."

"That's later, when you get your birthday presents. Didn't you want tater tots?" Sazh told his son.

"Nuh nuh! No tater tots for this tot, he almost died few minutes ago! This party almost turned into a funeral!" Tidus spilled the beans as he too served himself a snake skewer.

Everyone served themselves as they pleased and sat down around the table. Serah had thought of a fun activity to celebrate Dajh's existence. "One by one everyone's going to talk about a fun moment or experience they had with Dajh," she announced, "Snow you go first."

"One time I was alone in the barn having a little too much fun with the hay, some hay got in my eyes, I was screaming 'SERAHHHHHHHHH!' but she was too far to hear, Dajh came, saw I was dying, then fetched Serah. This boy saved my LIFE. Dajh, you da real MVP!" Snow said and gave Dajh a brofist.

Tidus was next, "The first time I met Dajh he pointed at me, said 'You look like a chocobo!' and gave me a hug," Tidus started getting teary eyed, "That meant SO much to me," his voice cracked.

Hope was next, "This is kinda embarrassing to admit, but one time I took one of Lightning's bras from her drawer and put it on, but then…I couldn't take it off! Dajh walked in, and unhooked it for me!"

Vanille was next, "Every single morning Dajh helps me choose my lipstick for the day! He has never made a bad choice, I trust his opinion 100%."

Fang was next, "Dajh catches lizards on a daily basis and gives them to me and Vanille to roast."

"WHAT!?" Sazh said.

Lightning was next, "I taught Dajh how to pickpocket and he has handed me over $20,000 since we have opened."

"WHAT!?" everyone yelled.

Lastly was Noctis, "When I first met Dajh he asked me if I was Gackt Camui, I have never received such a huge compliment before."

"He's such a little man, but he's achieved so much," Gladiolus remarked, inspired by Dajh's honest good heartedness.

Having concluded the activity the gang ate their food. Lightning was eating nothing but steak. "I thought she was into health and fitness?" Noctis asked Serah.

"She either eats like a rabbit or like a t-rex, there is no in between and you never know if it's t-rex day or rabbit day, you just gotta take a guess and hope you're right," Serah said, she was almost always wrong.

Snow had eaten his charcoal snake skewers like a man, Tidus however was having trouble. He had taken one small bite and started crying.

"EAT IT!" Fang yelled at him.

"BITE, CHEW, AND SWALLOW, LIKE A MAN!" Snow bullied him.

"I'm not a man!" Tidus cried.

Night had fallen and the gang went back inside to finally enjoy Noctis' crew's performance. Lightning turned off the lights and took out a bottle of Vodka she had hidden in the oven. The four boys got behind their mics and turned on their equipment. "We our Dope Cent," Noctis introduced his professional karaoke group. "I'm No Mercy."

"I'm P-Daddy," Prompto introduced himself.

"Gold Digga," Gladiolus said.

"And I'm Iggy Iggz," Ignis said last.

A blow horn went off and started the first song. No Mercy turned on the strobe lights and started rapping:

Yo, listen up! Here is the story

About a little guy that lives in a blue world

And all day and all night and everything he sees

Is just blue like him, inside and outside

Blue his house, with the blue little window

And a blue Corvette, and everything is blue for him

And himself, and everybody around

'Cause he ain't got nobody to listen (to listen, to listen...)

I'm blue

Da ba dee da ba di

Da ba dee da ba di

Da ba dee da ba di

Da ba dee da ba di

The strobe lights were pulsating, Gold Digga was on echo patrol and keyboard, P-Daddy was robot dancing, and Iggy Iggz was trying to keep up to the rhythm with his trumpet. When the chorus ended and the base dropped No Mercy took out his rave gloves and started a finger light show, P-daddy took out his phone to record and uploaded a Vine. #hearing colors #seeingsounds

"daddy I'm scared," said Dajh.

"We all are."

I have a blue house with a blue window

Blue is the color of all that I wear

Blue are the streets and all the trees are too

I have a girlfriend, and she is so blue

At this point Lightning and Fang were wasted, Hope was headbanging, Vanille and Serah were uploading pics to instagram #rave #goodgirlzgonewild, Snow and Tidus were having a fist fight and Sazh was holding a tearful Dajh. When the song ended Sazh went to turn the lights back on.

"Snow you can stop punching Tidus now," Serah told him.

"Oops sorry, I was having a little too much fun!" Snow finally stopped and dragged Tidus' unconscious body to the closet and closed the door.

"For our next song we will be performing Beyonce's Crazy in Love," No Mercy announced and the boys immediately started stretching and doing squats.

"ANaaaCOnDaaaa!" Lightning yelled at them.

"They'll be twerking either way," Fang reminded Miss Versace here.

"oH."

"Karaoke's over! It's present time now!" Serah declared after discussing with Sazh that twerking never was, and never will be on Sesame Street. Everyone quickly retrieved their presents.

Snow and Serah went first, "What's yellow, fluffy, and flightless?" Snow told Dajh as he handed him the box.

"chocobo!" Dajh said, opened the box, and saw his new pet baby chocobo looking up at him. "yay!"

"What are you going to name him?" Serah asked.

"potato chip!"

"Dajh, are you SURE?" Sazh asked him, chocobos lived to be several decades old, he didn't want Dajh to have to go through the embarrassment of telling his peers that his Chocobo's name was Potato Chip.

"tidus!"

"NOOOOO!" Dope Cent yelled, they have heard Noctis' stories about Tidus: the singing, the laughing.

"Potato Chip it is then," Serah decided.

Hope was next to give his present, "I hope you like it, it's a sweater I made with your name on it." Hope was a man of few talents, one of them was knitting. He handed Dajh the sweater with "Dodge" embroidered on it.

"HAHAHAHAAAAA!" Everyone laughed at Hope. "Hope is a weenie! Hope is a weenie!" they chanted.

"What!?" Hope asked, oblivious of his blatant error.

"Oh! As for Tidus, he would have wanted you to have this, bless his soul," Snow said and handed Dajh Tidus' wallet. Tidus had intended on giving Dajh a blitzball.

Fang and Vanille were next, "We spent way too long making this so we're expecting the loot by tomorrow," Fang said and handed Dajh a bow and arrow.

"Do not try to mess with the ducks, they run like the mafia, they'll find you," Vanille advised.

"I'll take that," Sazh said, took the bow and arrow, snapped them in half, and threw it out the window.

Noctis handed Dajh a large box with fancy wrapping on behalf of Dope Cent. "We don't know if you're a Sony or Microsoft kind of guy, so we just took a guess." Dajh opened the box to find a PS4+GTA 5 bundle inside.

"YAY!" Hope, Vanille, and Serah yelled.

As Lightning was still too intoxicated to move, Serah got up and retrieved her sister's present from the bedroom. It was tall and long.

"i hope it's a pogo stick!" Dajh said as he unwrapped the present. It was a metal detector.

"Mo mONey mO PRobleMs!" Lightning said.

Next time: The employees go on strike, will they be able to win better pay and working conditions?

-end-

Sorry this chapter ended up being so long, I got carried away! Credit to bandnamemaker dot com for giving me "Dope Cent." The next chapter is the beginning of a new story arc.

Please leave me a review if you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you CustomEyes and FantasyWriting! :D See you all next time!


	18. Chapter 18: Strike & Union

Note: Sorry this is a little late, I wanted to finish the chapter I was working on before updating. Enjoy!

Chapter 18: Strike/Union

Lightning huddled the gang before opening for the day to make a very important announcement, "Noctis is out sick today, so I'm in charge. I can't teleport like he can but I got the ears of a hawk and the eyes of a vampire bat, so don't try to pull anything stupid on me."

"Now define exactly what you mean by stupid," Snow said.

"Nothing reckless, irresponsible, or illegal," she replied with the last ounce of patience she had left.

"Darn it!" Snow said, and ran to the kitchen to turn off the oven he had left on with his laundry drying inside.

"I'd like to make an announcement too," Serah said and stood in front of the group. "I think we should touch up on our chocobo knowledge, so I made a new pamphlet of information to learn," she said and started passing out the new chocobo articles.

"SHUT YOUR FACE!" Sazh said as he stated reading the pamphlet, "Chocobos are descendants of seahorses!?"

"I used to have a pet seahorse in Zanarkand," Tidus said sadly. "I would do _anything_ to see his smile just one more time."

"Um, are the kingdom hearts kids supposed to be parking in our employee parking?" Fang said as she noticed the three teenagers came out of Sora's Lamborghini.

"Yeah, they bought parking privileges for an extra $50,000," Lightning explained.

Sora walked up to her with an ice-cube tray. "Um, excuse me, your fridge key is not in its proper place. Kairi spent way too long making these paupu popsicles, she would be _devastated_ if her efforts go to waste."

"Oops, sorry, won't happen again," Lightning replied and took out the fridge key from her pocket.

Everyone got to their work stations and the customers started arriving. Hope was starting to get a little more comfortable handling the customers so Vanille put him in charge of phone duty. The phone started ringing and he picked it up. "Hello, this is the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, how can I help you?"

"How do I get there?" the person on the phone asked, she sounded familiar.

"Where are you located, maam or sir?" Hope responded.

"I'm… in Dalmaska," the person answered.

"Well, if I am correct, I believe there is a chocobo farm in Rabanastre. If you call their office they should be able to give you directions instead of wasting gas by driving all the way here!" Hope answered. The phone disconnected without a response.

In less than thirty seconds Lightning came storming in to the ticket booth, she slapped Hope across the face. "AHHHHH!" Vanille screamed as she saw Hope's prepubescent body fall to the ground.

"Coming here is a waste of _gas_?"

"I'm sorry! I just wanted the best for the customer!" Hope tried to explain himself, he had no clue that phone call was a test. Lightning grabbed him by the ear and dragged him back up to stand.

"One more screw up and you're sleeping in the barn with the rats," she said as she let go of his ear and left.

"NO!" Hope cried, he wouldn't stand a chance against the spider rats that claimed the barn as their breeding spot.

Serah was walking to the front door of the house when she noticed Hope's distinct infant-sounding cry. "What's wrong?" she said when she walked up to Hope as he was being consoled by Vanille.

"Your sister wants Hope to be eaten by the rats in the barn," Vanille explained as she continued to pat Hope's back reassuringly.

"They aren't so bad, Snow managed to settle a treaty with them, they listen if you're reasonable," Serah said. "Don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to you, remember I'm co-owner!"

Serah decided to visit her employees instead of taking her break, she walked over to the parking lot where Tidus was dancing and whistling as he signaled the flow of the traffic. "Ah ah ah ah stayin alive, stayin alive!" he sang as he dodged the oncoming traffic.

"Tidus, keep up the good work! Go take a break, you deserve it, I'll take over."

"Gee! Thanks!" Tidus said and gave her his flags and whistle. He went to the house to get a glass of water. Lightning was watching a kid falling off a chocobo on the TV monitor. "HAHAHA!" Tidus laughed.

"Tyrone what are you doing!? Get back to work!" she yelled when she realized he was inside.

"TYRONE!?" Tidus was surprised by what she had called him this time. "Serah said I can take a break and she took over for me!"

Lightning immediately switched the tv monitor to the recently installed parking lot camera. Someone in a candy truck was trying to lure Serah into the backseat. "Someone's trying to kidnap Serah again!" Lightning realized.

"Again? What happened last time?" Tidus asked.

"We were in Tijuana, let's just say, don't take Serah and Snow to Tijuana," Lightning answered. She was not in a good mood today and still had a hangover from yesterday's party. "Tyrone, give me one, no TWO good reasons why I should not fire you."

Tidus sat down, took a deep breath, and put his face in his palms, "There was no such thing as _money_ in Zanarkand, so when I came to Spira…I didn't even know where to _start. _Yuna said if we ever want to have kids we need to save up to move out of Lulu's house-"

"You want to PROCREATE? Pack your bags Tyrone, you're fired."

"WHAT!?"

Serah had walked in to witness Tidus' emotional revelation, "SIS you cannot do this to our staff! Hope told me you tricked him and he's still crying, you're supposed to be like a mother to him."

"Moms are tough."

"If you really want to be tough on our employees we gotta use relevant methods to assess their efficiency," Serah said then turned to Tidus, "Tidus, what do you contribute to our business?"

"I effectively direct traffic and patrol the parking lot, we've gone 3 days without a car accident!" Tidus defended himself. Just then there was a loud crash, "Ok make that 2 seconds," he said then ran out to do the paperwork for the police report.

Lightning and Serah went to the ticket booth to assess Hope and Vanille's performance, "Just pretend we're invisible," Serah told them.

A girl with nun chucks and a guy with a cowboy hat and gun came to the ticketbooth, "Hi Selphie! Nice boy toy you got there," Vanille greeted them, "that will be $20." The visitors paid and Hope, still teary eyed, let them through the gate.

Lightning tried to be patient, "Ok, you wanna tell me two things you did wrong?"

"I forgot his name, I usually pay closer attention, sorry," Vanille apologized, she allegedly knew her customers like her seashell collection.

"I uh…forgot to lock the gate," Hope said then went back to lock the gate.

"ILLEGAL WEAPONS," Lightning yelled at them then chased after Selphie and Irvine to confiscate their contraband.

"What's our rule on weapons?" Serah quizzed them.

"Only Light and Noctis are allowed to carry illegal weapons," Vanille and Hope recited, and didn't mention the fact that they have consistently been letting the Kingdom Hearts kids enter the premises with their keyblades.

Serah met up with her sister and hopped into the moving tour shuttle to check in on Snow and Fang.

"Then she said, 'You can save us, protect us all, _save cocoon_' then turned into crystal! I don't know how Lightning thought she meant 'kill the falcie, destroy cocoon,' but I believed Serah when no one else did," Snow told the passengers about the time he and the other employees were made l'Cie.

"How many carats are we talking here? Luster? Cut? Finish?" Sora asked, upset he didn't get to cash in on this sweet crystal deal.

"Do you still have your l'Cie brand?" Riku asked.

"You know it!" Snow said then showed them his brand, "Check hers out, it's WAY cooler."

"600 years in the making," Fang flexed her arm and showed them her frosted brand.

Lightning and Serah hopped off the shuttle and called for an immediate staff meeting in the living room.

"Does anyone know why we're having this meeting?" Serah started off after convincing her sister she'd do all the talking.

"Are you finally gonna fix that toilet? That thing STILL takes 3 flushes," Sazh asked.

"No, actually we're going to discuss employee performance," Serah explained and handed everyone a self-evaluation paper.

Snow took one glance at the paper and decided it was too hard, "Serah babe, you know I don't read, let's ditch this popsicle stand and go have some fun in the hay!"

"Honey this is important, it took a lot of convincing to get my sis to agree to not 'beat your sorry blonde ass till you puke out your intestines and die of sepsis,'" Serah told her husband what Lightning planned on doing to him after witnessing his incompetence in the shuttle.

"Nice! That's a big step back from 'poisoning my food till my body slowly burns from the inside out!'" Snow said gladly; he could now dine in peace.

The gang filled out their self-evaluations while Lightning took the liberty of filling them out from her manager perspective. Serah had to help Snow by reading aloud the questions.

"Ok, who wants to go first?" Serah asked.

"Might as well get it over with," Snow said and handed Lightning his evaluation form.

"You strongly agree with 'I attend job-relevant meetings and discussions'?" Lightning got angry, "Since when does 'Yeah yeah whatever, come on Serah, let's ditch this popsicle stand and go have some fun in the hay' mean you attend job-relevant meetings and discussions?"

"The paper said _attend_, not participate. Are we done yet? That hay isn't gonna play with itself!" Snow defended himself.

Serah butted in before her sister could get up and attack Snow, "Ok sis, what are your recommendations for Snow?"

"STICK with the script, STICK with the route, and STICK with the schedule!" Lightning said; Snow would show up late for the tours, drive the shuttle off grounds into the surrounding wilderness, and tell personal stories instead of chocobo facts.

"I'm next!" Fang said, knowing that she would look like a saint compared to Snow. She handed in her paper.

"Fang you are perfect, get out of here," Lightning said.

"Heck no, I'm not missing out on this juicy gossip," Fang replied and got out a bag of popcorn.

Sazh handed in his paper. "You have _beautiful_ handwriting," Lightning told him after seeing his perfect cursive font.

"That's what happens when your brother ditches school and you gotta forge absence letters," Sazh replied, remembering the countless times he had to write letters to his older brother's teachers. "More important than our toilet, when are we getting more saddles? It ain't my fault there was only 1 saddle when we got here! Every day I have a long line of kids whining about the wait for the free chocobo rides. Either we get more saddles, or we start charging for the rides."

"Fine then, we charge for the rides," Lightning decided. "Next?"

"My turn now!" Tidus recited one of his battle cries and handed in his paper.

Lightning looked over it, surprisingly Tidus was doing a good job. He almost always arrives early, helps others with their tasks, attends all post conferences, and he did write their commercial script. "I can't believe I'm saying this, keep up the good work Tyrone."

"Praise be to Yevon!" Tidus said, not minding that she still didn't know his name despite the fact that he had clearly written his name in cocoon script at the top of the paper.

Vanille handed in both her and Hope's papers next. "It would really help if we had an umbrella at the ticket booth. I don't mind the sunkissed tan but Hope is albino and susceptible to skin cancer."

"Albino?" Lightning always assumed that his mom bleached his hair and kept him locked inside the house. "You put 'strongly disagree' for 'I feel I have adequate equipment and training'? I bought you a calculator and a math book, what else do you want from me?"

"An abacus is not the same as a calculator!" Hope explained. It takes them longer to use the abacus versus writing their calculations on paper.

"And a shoebox is not an acceptable cash register," Vanille added. There was no way they could sort the money in the shoebox, it's a forest of bills and coins.

"Ok how about we end this meeting, any last words sis?" Serah mediated.

Heck yeah she had last words, "Everyone is getting their paycheck cut in half until everyone on the team is performing at 100%," she quickly said and ran out before anyone could protest; Serah ran after her.

"YOU!" Tidus got furious at Snow and tackled him to the ground, "All of this is YOUR fault! Getting our salary cut, ending up here in Spira, not being able to go back to Zanarkand, everything EVERYTHING!" then proceeded to choke him.

"NOT COOL Tidus," Fang said disapprovingly and took out her cellphone to take pictures.

Hope was crying again, knowing that if he didn't pay the rent for his half of the bed he'd literally be banished to the barn to deal with the spider rats.

Sazh removed Tidus' petite body off of Snow, "You guys, we gotta work smarter not harder, let's go on strike and show those Farron sisters what we're made of," Sazh said. "Dajh go bring your markers from your backpack," he told his son.

"I call the pink ones!" Snow quickly called after Dajh.

Outside Serah chased after Lightning to try to change her mind, "SIS this isn't fair for the ones who are doing a good job!"

"What am I supposed to do? If I just take away privileges they'll adapt," Lightning replied, remembering the time she kicked Snow out of her house and he proceeded to set up camp in her backyard. "Besides, in the Guardian Corps everyone was punished for 1 person's mistake."

"This isn't the Guardian Corps, this is a family tourist attraction!"

Inside the living room the gang was finishing up making their picket signs. Tidus put a lot of effort into his sign by painting it black and writing the words, 'MORE WORK, LESS PAY, NO WAY,' in red.

Snow's sign said 'Farron Farm is unfair, Lightning Farron's in there!' and painted an illuminati sign.

Sazh sign said, 'No taxation without representation.'

Fang's sign said, 'YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS.'

Vanille's sign said, 'NO PAY? NO STAY.'

Hope's sign said, 'Have rent and bills to pay, any amount helps, God Bless.'

The gang went outside to start their protest. Snow took a megaphone with him, "EVERYONE LISTEN UP!" he yelled to gather the attention of the tourists, "See that pink haired lady over there? No, not the one with the pigtail, she's is an angel. YES that one, the one with the gunblade. SHE is refusing her employees basic human rights!"

Tidus took the megaphone, "MORE WORK? LESS PAY? NO WAAY!" The gang began to chant Tidus' slogan and walk in circles with their picket signs.

"DAMMIT!" Lightning yelled, took Serah's hand, and ran into the house to hide.

Sora, Riku, and Kairi came over to see what all this commotion was about. "Woah woah what is happening here?" Riku asked.

"Farron farm is unfair, Lightning Farron's in there!" Snow answered and pointed to the house.

"You can't be serious! What did she do?" Sora asked.

"She charges us rent for half of a bed, feeds us leftover chocobo feed, and cut our paychecks in half. Although I really don't mind the bed situation," Fang explained.

"And she forces me and Hope to stand at the ticket booth in the hot sun for hours on end," Vanille added.

"I COME EARLY EVERYDAY and she doesn't even know my name!" Tidus added.

"I can't believe this, I've invested so much in this business, it physically pains me to see you guys like this," Sora told them. He saw Hope's sign, "Bro I am so sorry you have to go through this, Kairi will give you some money," Sora said then handed Kairi a $100 bill to give to Hope.

"What do you think we should do? You said you're gonna study business when you go to college right?" Vanille asked Sora.

"Yes. First thing's first, protests are cute, but the real weapon is to form a union. Let's go to the barn for a little more privacy," Sora advised and led them into the barn.

"What's a union?" Tidus asked, since he barely knew anything about money.

"A union is an organized group of workers who collectively use their strength to have a voice in their workplace. Through a union, workers have a right to impact wages, work hours, benefits, workplace health and safety, job training and other work-related issues," Sora recited from memory. Although he was still a junior in high school his dad made him start studying for business school.

"I wish we knew this three months ago when we moved in," Sazh said. All those nights of false fire alarms, early mornings starting with pushups, and chocobo feed dinners.

"So what do we do?" Fang asked.

"First you need a name, any ideas?" Sora said.

"Chocobo laborers against irrational &amp; reckless employment, CLAIRE for short. That will REALLY push her buttons!" Tidus suggested immediately. He is terrifyingly smart when he is mad.

"Dang Tidus you are on a ROLL, what next Sora?" Sazh said.

"Decide your terms and conditions and a leader to present your case," Sora answered.

"Fang, she likes you, you should do it," Vanille suggested.

"No thanks, don't want to get on her bad side, although she is really cute when she is mad," Fang answered. "Tidus seems to want to do it."

"Gladly!"

"Great," Sora said, "Now go in there and show her who's the REAL keyblade master!"

The gang got together in their mob and started knocking and kicking on the house door. "CLAIRE FARRON, WE ARE CLAIRE!" Tidus yelled, knowing Lightning hated when others said her real name.

Inside the house Lightning and Serah were watching a Mexican soap opera to escape from the disaster they have created. "Wait, is that Zack Fair!?" Serah asked when she recognized the main actor.

"You JUST noticed?" Lightning asked; I've been giving hints to this since chapter 4.

They heard the loud thuds on the door. "You did this to us, YOU answer," Serah demanded.

Lightning opened the door and Tidus pushed through with his picket sign with the other employees following behind him. "Listen CLAIRE FARRON, we are CLAIRE: Chocobo laborers against irrational and reckless employment. We're here to CLAIRE-ify our terms and conditions!" Tidus announced.

"Don't call me by my slave name!" Lightning demanded.

"_Make me_!" Tidus spat back and threw a clarinet at her to add more salt to her wounds. "We demand a raise, health and dental benefits, vacation days, and free rent!"

"What is this? A Union? Did Sora do this? I knew I couldn't trust that son of an oil tycoon," Lightning said.

"Give us what we want, or we ALL QUIT!" Tidus demanded.

"WOAHHH WOAH!" the other CLAIRE members said.

"Hold up there kiddo, that was NOT what we agreed on!" Snow said. All he wanted was the dental insurance for the free toothpaste.

Lightning tried to think this through; no way she was giving them a raise, health and dental was out of the question, charging for rent was too profitable to give up on, vacation however did sound like a good idea. "We'll go on vacation for one week, take it or leave it."

"Pack your bags Serah, we're going on our honeymoon!" Snow decided on behalf of the union and picked up his wife and spun her in the air like a rag doll.

"Sweet! Where are we going?" Tidus asked.

"Full time employees only, you go on your own vacation," Lightning answered. Her birthday was coming up and she did not want Tidus, aka Snow #2, around.

"WHAT!?"

Next time: Where will the gang go first on their vacation?

-end-

Next few chapters won't have a 'Next time' so I can keep the vacation locations a surprise *wink wink*

If you enjoyed this chapter please leave me a review! Tell me your favorite part/character/anything! I'm falling behind on writing/editing/proofreading since the upcoming chapters are becoming very long, so I could use the encouragement. Thank you CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time!


	19. Chapter 19: Vacation Part 1 Besaid

Note: YES I changed my username! Some 10, 13-2, and Lightning Returns spoilers in this chapter, although I kept them vague and threw in a few curveballs. Get ready for the longest chapter yet!

Chapter 19: Vacation Part 1 Besaid

"I'm gone for one day and they go on strike and form a union?" When Noctis got back he did not expect to see the gang packing for a week long vacation.

"My birthday's in a few days and I don't want to spend it here. Don't tell them that's the reason we're going on vacation though, they think this is a 'treat' for their 'hard work,'" Lightning explained as she packed her metal detector, gold pan, mining axe, and shovel into her hiker's backpack. "I need you to stay here and watch the chocobos."

"No problem." Noctis answered. This was the perfect opportunity for his crew to come over and make a mixtape without having his father, the King of Lucis, at their throats.

Serah had just gotten off the phone with Judge Yuffie to discuss the hotel arrangements she had promised them. "Bad news sis, I just talked to Judge Yuffie…she said her city has been taken over by rebels. She said that SOLDIER will be clearing the area but it will take a few days."

"Dang it," Lightning said; that meant no free hotel accommodations. "Where is a fun but cheap/free place to visit?"

"Let's go to Oerba! It's been centuries since I've seen all my neighbors. What says you Vanille?" Fang suggested.

"Oh…I don't know Fang, no one probably remembers us…how embarrassing would that be? Hehehe…" Vanille answered. She did not have the heart to tell Fang that their hometown of Oerba was now an abandoned and desolate wasteland and that all of the villagers were long dead.

Sazh had an idea, "Tidus once told me about this tiny remote island called Besaid. The villagers are very religious but they are very crafty. We can probably buy some goods and resell them for profit."

"Exploiting natives for their goods and natural resources? Sign me up," Lightning decided and proceeded to pack her gunblade and some extra knives too.

Snow was having a hard time packing his stuff. His face was visibly upset. "Babe, what's wrong? Serah asked when she noticed Snow on the verge of tears.

"The only clothing items I own are coats, cargo pants, and snow boots! I'm gonna look like such a loser if we go to that island," Snow confessed. His name was Snow for a reason; he was born in a town that snowed 358/2 days a year. He never imagined he would be put in this predicament; he was not prepared.

"I can't believe I forgot to show you! Judge Yuffie gave us a wedding gift!" Serah said and went to the closet and took out the pair of matching couple outfits that Judge Yuffie had given them. It was pairs of matching sunglasses, flip flops, board shorts, and a T shirt for Snow that read 'If lost return to Serah' and a T shirt for Serah that read 'I'm Serah.'

"Judge Yuffie is so kind…people like her really are an endangered species!" Snow said, glad that he now had an outfit to wear for vacation.

Hope was in the bedroom packing his purse and roller backpack with sunscreen, a visor, Hawaiian themed clothing, a fanny pack, and umbrellas after consulting with his mom over the phone.

Besaid was only accessible by boat, so the gang waited outside for their taxi to come and take them to the boating port.

Lightning consulted with Noctis one last time before leaving him to fend for himself with the chocobos. "Gary only eats at 5am, if you're late he will try to eat one of the other chocobos. If any of the baby chocobos get loose you gotta get on a scooter or something, those little f***ers are FAST. The Kingdom Hearts kids paid for house privileges so they're allowed inside. Be careful with the silver haired one though, he's in terrible financial trouble and I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to steals all our baby chocobos to sell on the black market. I'm still not sure what's the deal with Kairi, so don't let her get too close to you. If anything goes wrong or goes missing don't call me, I'm on vacation."

"Got it," Noctis lied. He and Dope Cent would be too busy making their mixtape and practicing choreography to pay attention to the farm.

The taxi cab arrived, Lightning only called for 1 cab to save money. "Ughh, so who's going in the trunk?" Fang asked.

"Nobody's going in the trunk," Lightning said and took out her mountain climbing rope, "Get on the roof Snow."

"WHAT!?"

"Sis no!" Serah pleaded, "If Snow has to be tied on the roof, then so do I."

"God dammit Serah," Lightning cursed, then proceeded to tie Snow and her sister together on the roof of the taxi cab.

"I call shotgun!" Sazh announced and took the front passenger seat with Dajh in his lap.

"Ok, so either Vanille sits on my lap or Hope sits on Light's lap," Fang commented on the backseat situation.

"No," Lightning decided and took a window seat, "Hope is laying down across our laps."

"I want his head!" Vanille wanted to practice her cornrow technique. Vanille took the other window sear, Fang took the cursed middle seat, and Hope layed down on their laps.

"Where do you numbskulls want me to take your $$es?" The taxi driver asked for their destination. He was blonde and had goggles on his head.

"Balamb City," Lightning told him. Balamb was the nearest town with a shipping port.

"More like Balamb $hitty! Those townfolk won't stop molesting you till you buy their trading cards, it's the biggest scam on Gaia!" Cid commented and began driving the car. "Have some tea," he said and handed them cans of tea.

"I'll pass," Hope said since he was laying down.

"DRINK THE GODDAMN TEA!"

Hope panicked, quickly opened the can, tried to take a sip, but spilled the tea all over his face. This however gave his hair a nice sticky texture to aid Vanille to do the cornrows. She proceeded to braid his hair.

"What's the deal with the blonde Yeti and the strawberry shortcake you tied to the roof?" Cid asked as he sipped on his own can of tea.

"That's my sister and her 'husband,' I wanted him to fall off the roof and die but Serah kinda ruined the plan," Lightning said, she was so close.

"I thought you were poisoning his food, what happened to that?" Fang asked. She had provided Lightning with rattlesnake poison weeks ago.

"That boy has the immune system of an alligator," Sazh explained, "He drinks mud water for FUN. Biological warfare ain't gonna get you anywhere Light."

"I can try."

They soon arrived to Balamb City and exited the taxi. Snow noticed Hope's new cornrows look, "Hey Hope, the 90's called, they want their hair back!"

"Snow, that's not nice. The 90's were a great time to be growing up, don't insult the 90's," Serah advised her husband.

Serah and Snow were untied from the roof of the taxi and everyone removed their luggage from the trunk. Lightning paid Cid Highwind and tipped him extra for the Yeti comment. Almost immediately the gang was bombarded by Balamb citizens.

"Wanna buy some triple triad cards? Only 100 gil," a blonde teenager with a tattoo on his face said.

"I love trading cards!" Hope said happily and bought a pack from Zell. He opened the pack and saw that all his cards were 1-2-1-2 cards. "Oh man!" He then bought another pack of cards.

"Dear lord Hope, what did the nice taxi man say about those cards!" Sazh told him and took away Hope's fanny pack where he kept all his money. "If you wanna buy anything you gotta go through ME first."

The gang then walked all the way to the pier where the boat to Besaid was waiting for them. An oranged haired man with a blue bandana was waiting on the boat. "Hello ya! Are you the party of 7 heading to Besaid today?"

"Yes," Sazh said and quickly shoved Dajh under his coat.

"Great! That will be 7 gil, ya," Wakka collected the money and let the gang board the boat.

"Before we sail, we gotta go over some rules. Besaid is not your ordinary island, ya know," Wakka announced. "We are territory of Yevon and all visitors must follow the rules of Yevon ya. First rule of Yevon: no machina. That includes any kind of technology, so no cellphones, cameras, or playstations."

"NOOOO!" Vanille yelled. She knew that if she did not update her Instagram daily her followers would assume she was dead and unfollow her. She started crying.

"Screw Yevon! Anyone who makes Vanille cry is an enemy to me," Fang told Wakka.

"Woah woah ya, no worries! We have plenty of activities in Besaid to keep you occupied, you'll forget that Bookface and Youtoos even exist ya," Wakka told them. He then handed everyone a paddle. "That being said, we are rowing ourselves to Besaid, ya!"

"UGHHHH" the gang moaned and began rowing the boat.

"Serah, don't you DARE," Snow said and took her paddle.

"See sis, ain't it nice to have someone big and strong to depend on?" Serah teased her sister.

"I don't need a man to do my work for me," Lightning said. "Hope, give me your paddle."

"Yay!" Hope said, happy that he didn't have to drop a sweat.

After 2 hours of paddling the gang arrived on the island and exited the boat. A group of people dressed like Wakka greeted them. "Praise be to Yevon!" they said.

"This is my blitzball team, the Besaid Aurochs," Wakka told them. "We gave up on tournaments long ago, so we just play for fun now. Feel free to join us ya!" Wakka kicked a blitzball and started playing with his team.

The gang however, was in the verge of suffering from heat strokes and walked their way through the path leading to the village center. There where cute little huts everywhere. They entered the bed and breakfast hut.

"Hi! Welcome to the Crusaders' Lodge! Do you have a reserva- OH MY GAWD!" The attendant said.

"TIDUS!?" The gang said, completely surprised to see him here.

"Tomokazu!? What are you doing here?" Lightning asked.

"TOMOKAZU!?" Tidus said, surprised by what she had called him this time despite the fact that everyone else called him Tidus 2 seconds ago. "I work here! Lulu runs the place, that's the whole reason I wanted to get out of here and work at the farm."

"This place is BEAUTIFUL! You're nuts!" Vanille said and started secretly taking pictures to post on Instagram.

"Lulu pays me squat! When I tried to ask for a raise she just put a curse on me, I can't run anymore. Like, I literally CAN'T RUN," Tidus explained.

"Enough with the chit chat, we're tired and starving, show us to our beds," Fang demanded, knowing that Tidus was now under their power.

Tidus checked them in the guestbook, showed them to their beds, and gave them menus. "Our lunch special for today is raw Oysters with seaweed. Caught fresh this morning," Tidus told them, leaving out the fun fact that Lulu woke him up at 2AM to catch said oysters himself.

Everything on the menu was seafood, the gang was not used to seafood. Cocoon had no oceans to fish and Oerban cuisine consisted of wild animals.

"Um, don't you have anything more 'good'?" Snow asked on behalf of the gang.

"Yuna makes some totally rad macaroni and cheese!" Tidus told them.

"YEAHHH!"

"You got it!" Tidus said and wrote down the order, although he was upset that his 2AM oyster efforts went to waste. "By the way, you guys might want to visit the temple and pray to Yevon. The villagers will literally hate you if you don't pay your respects to Yevon," Tidus told them, reflecting on the time when he first arrived on Besaid and invaded the cloister of trials.

The gang decided to visit the temple as their food was being made. As they entered there was a souvenir stand selling trinkets inside.

"Now this is what I'm talking about!" Sazh said when he saw the dirt cheap prices and began to buy everything he could resell later.

A petite girl with silvery blue hair was also buying some souvenirs. "YEUL!" Vanille screamed when she realized it was a classmate from highschool.

"Oh hey, haven't seen you guys in a while," Yeul greeted Vanille, Serah, and Hope. "What's going on?"

"We're working at a Chocobo farm! You should come visit," Hope told her.

"Sounds cool," she replied, trying really hard not to comment on Hope's hair.

"I got married!" Serah said, then went to fetch Snow and dragged him back. "This is Snow, my husband!"

"Nice to meet ya!" Snow said and gave Yeul a powerful handshake.

"The chaos is strong in this one," Yeul commented.

"Are you still dating Noel?" Vanille asked. Yeul and Noel were the Kim and Kanye of their highschool.

"I dumped that loser long ago, he wouldn't stop talking about paradoxes and artefacts. Got me a sugar daddy instead, he's suicidal as heck but at least he shares my love for beads and feathers," Yeul told them.

"I want a sugar daddy," Lightning said, eavesdropping on the conversation. "Is this that fortune telling girl you told me about?" she asked Serah.

"Want me to tell you your future?" Yeul asked.

Everyone got in a line to have their fortune told by Yeul. "You will become a goddess and be worshipped by all," Yeul told Lightning.

"Heck yeah I will."

Snow was next. "You will become very fashionable and rule the biggest dance club in the world."

"OH YEAHHH!"

Next was Serah. "Oh my, oh dear. I am so sorry, my condolences."

"What!?"

Yeul tried to explain, "You are the same as us, so you are with us, always with us. Until time is destroyed, you will sleep with us. When the world ends, you will end with us."

"WHAT!?" Serah was even more confused.

"Me me me!" Hope hopped up and down.

"You will become tall and hot, but it won't last for long," Yeul told him.

"Oh man!"

"I don't know Vanille, I don't like the looks of her," Fang cautioned her before having her fortune told.

"You will become a saint and live in a big, pretty cathedral," Yeul told Vanille.

"WOOHOO!"

"You will become the Queen of Bandits and live in a desert paradise," Yeul told Fang.

"YES!"

"This little one will grow up and become a great pilot and find the cure for cancer," Yeul lied to Sazh, she didn't want to tell him of Dajh's true, cruel fate.

"What's cancer?" Dajh asked.

"A STAR IN THE SKY," Sazh insisted.

The gang finished their souvenir purchases and headed back to the Crusader's Lodge for lunch. Tidus had set the bowls of macaroni and cheese on the table for them. "Tomo, where is my _wine_?" Lightning demanded.

"SO SORRY," Tidus apologized. He should have known, he had no excuse. He speed-walked back to Yuna's cooking hut to fetch the finest bottle of wine they had.

He returned he poured her a glass. "Tomo, where are our _forks_?" Lightning asked of him; Tidus had given them all chopsticks.

"SO SORRY! PLEASE DON'T TELL LULU," Tidus pleaded and went to fetch them their forks. If Lulu found out that Tidus was upsetting her customers she would put another curse on him.

The gang finished their food before Tidus came back with their forks. They left the Crusaders' Lodge and decided to visit the other huts. They entered a random hut and saw cages of wild animals. "Nice! I didn't know they had a zoo here!" Snow said and started feeding the monkeys some toothpaste through the bars of the cage.

"Welcome to my petshop, please let me know if I can be of any assistance," the store owner, a male in very revealing clothing told them and got back to working on a hidden computer.

There were animals everywhere; penguins, zebras, monkeys, leafy sea dragons, you name it!

"KAWAIIIIII!" Vanille yelled at the top of her lungs when she saw the flamingos. "How much for one flamingo?" she asked the shop owner.

"20 gil for one, 30 for the entire cage," the shop owner said.

"DEAL!" Vanille decided and rummaged through her seashell purse to hand the nice man the money for the entire cage of flamingos. She would gain so many new followers on instagram, she was dead set on exceeding Serah's follower count of 1.3 million.

"Vanille, darling, don't you know chocobos EAT flamingos? I don't think you can protect them all, just take one," Fang advised her.

"Okie," Vanille said. She chose a flamingo, "Your name is Jelly and you shall be mine!" She then proceeded on shopping for a cute leash and pink collar.

Hope saw the worm terrarium and went nuts. "PLEASE SAZH PLEASE I need my fanny pack! I want to buy a pet worm!"

"I don't know kiddo, why don't you ask your mom first? You know she hates dirty things," Sazh said.

Hope went over to Lightning, who was looking at the tarantulas, and tugged on her cape, "Light, PLEASE PLEASE can I get a pet worm?"

"Why? You're just gonna forget it exists and step on it. Just like Fluffy," Lightning said. Nora once bought Hope a pet lizard; the poor thing didn't last long.

"No! I'll guard it with my LIFE," Hope swore; that was exactly what he had said about Fluffy.

Lightning believed the poor boy and agreed with specific terms, "If I find it anywhere near my wallet it's DEAD."

"Yay!" Hope yelled, took his fanny pack from Sazh, and purchased one worm and a cage. He started filling out the pet adoption certificate; Name: Wermie/ Owner: Hop/ Birthplace: Beesayd

The gang exited the hut with the new pets and entered another random hut; Yuna was inside eating oysters and texting on a cellphone. "Oh hello! Didn't expect to see you guys here," Yuna said then noticed the pets. "You actually bought _pets_? That man is an animal poacher, don't give him your business!"

"Nonsense!" Snow said. "That man is a SAINT, he gave me a discount on these butterfly hair pins!" he said and took out the items he had bought to show them.

"Oh Snowey Bear, they are beautiful, thank you!" Serah said and took them from his hands and clipped them onto her hair.

"Hehe…no prob babe!" Snow said awkwardly; he had bought them for himself.

"He drove our butterflies to extinction on Besaid!" Yuna told them.

"Hey…so why are you using a cellphone? I thought this was a settlement of Yevon," Sazh changed the subject since he too used to be an animal poacher (see chapter 6).

"Ever since Tidus smuggled in technology years ago I've been hooked," Yuna explained, then removed some blankets from the corner of the room to reveal a Plasma TV, an Xbox 360, and a karaoke system. "Don't tell Wakka, he'll burn all this. I can't live without watching my mexican soap operas.

"Do you watch 'Mi Príncipe Ignacio'?" Lightning asked.

"YOU MEAN THIS IS WHY TIDUS SINGS SO MUCH?" Fang got furious; tonight she will burn that karaoke system herself.

"Yes I do! Zack Fair is my favorite actor. I wish he would act in English shows though. Tidus has to translate for me," Yuna answered Lightning. Tidus was multilingual: Zanarki, Spiran, Cocoonese, English, and Spanish. "Zack is so dreamy!"

"HE'S MINE!" Lightning yelled.

"Hey Yuna, what do you suggest we do/see here on Besaid?" Serah asked.

"Lulu's having her weekly bonfire magic show tonight, it's not free though. I also recommend you try blitzball with Wakka, that's free," Yuna said, knowing from Tidus how much of a cheapskate Lightning is. "If you get really good he might give you free tickets to the show."

"YEAH!" the whole gang agreed and ran over to the beach. Wakka was still playing with his crew. "Wakka, enough with the fun and games, teach us how to blitz," Lightning yelled at him from the shore.

"Ya!" Wakka said; he and his crew got out from the water and went ashore. He explained to the gang all the rules of the game. "If a team leads the game by seven goals at any point in the game, The game is ended and the team automatically wins. There are eight players per team: three fielders, four defenders, and one goalkeeper. There is only one five-minute round, with no break or half time. Overtime can last up to thirty minutes. At this point the match will end and immediately replayed from 0-0. But first things first, what's your team's name ya?"

The gang huddled. Vanille needed to clarify something before they started, "Wait, is our 8th player Dajh or Jelly?"

"You crazy girl? Dajh ain't drowning, not today," Sazh answered and told his son to watch under the umbrella that was lying on the shore.

"We should be the Sanctum Blasphemers! Get it? Since we committed blasphemy against the Sanctum and their ways?" Snow voiced his suggestion.

"How about Crystal Stasis Survivors?" Serah said.

"How about the Anti-Yevoners? That will get Wakka REALLY fired up!" Fang suggested.

"Let me ask Sora what he thinks," Vanille said and texted him on the groupchat. "He says 'the Keyblade Masters' and 'Team Kairi.'"

Lightning left the huddle and went over to Wakka, "We're Team Farron. If we win you give us free tickets to Lulu's magic show."

"Perfect! Let's get started ya, Besaid Aurochs versus Team Farron," Wakka sounded the conch shell and everyone went to the water. Hope was small and agile and took the goalkeeper position.

Wakka threw the ball into the air to begin the game and Lightning immediately leaped like a dolphin and took it, she threw it to Fang, who threw it to Serah. Serah was close to the goal, but panicked. "OVER HERE!" Snow yelled, he was farther from the goal but there's no way Serah could miss passing to him due to his large body surface area. She threw it to Sazh instead, who was closer, but he quickly got tackled by Wakka's team and lost the ball. Wakka's teammate threw the ball at Hope, who weenied out and just dodged it.

"One to Zero! Team Farron not looking too good ya?" Wakka announced as his team got back in position.

Snow shoved Hope away and took his spot as goalkeeper and the team got back in their positions for the next round. Wakka tossed the ball into the air and his teammate took it, the Besaid Auroch threw the ball to another teammate. Vanille kicked him with her pointy boots and got the ball, she froze in position having no clue what to do next.

"ANYONE BUT THE FLAMINGO!" Fang yelled at her, knowing what Vanille's gut instinct would have told her. She threw it to the flamingo, who kicked it to Hope, who threw it at Snow, who didn't block it.

"Team Farron don't know how to blitz ya!" Wakka said as his teammates laughed at them.

The team huddled once more, "That flamingo is holding us back Vanille, birds don't belong in competitive sports," Sazh told her. She became sad, and turned to Jelly to break the bad news.

"Hope, where is the _worm_?" Lightning reminded him since they were on the topic of pets.

"Oh my god!" Hope had forgot it existed, and ran off to find Wermie.

"Hey, didn't Tidus say something about being a professional blitzball player in 'Zakarland' or something?" Snow said. "We should recruit him on our team!"

"Come on sis, let's hunt down Tidus," Serah declared. She and Lightning ran off to the village to find him, he was sitting in the shade having a martini. Lightning took out her gunblade, got down on one knee, and got ready to shoot. "I DON'T MEAN ACTUALLY HUNT HIM!" Serah yelled and pushed the gun to the side right as Lightning pulled the trigger.

Tidus flinched as the bullet shot his martini glass into annihilation. He turned around to see who it was that just tried to shoot him. "Oh hey!" he said and waved, not even surprised.

"Tomo, you _blitz_?"

"Yeah, Wakka recruited me on his team when I washed up ashore. Why do you ask?" Tidus replied as he removed small pieces of glass shards from his clothing.

Lightning put her gun to his head, "Listen here Tomo, you're playing for _us_ now. If I hear you even _speak _to Wakka or his team ever again I will rip off your tongue and you'll never be able to taste Yuna's macaroni and cheese ever again."

"nO!" Tidus shrieked and immediately ripped off his Besaid Auroch's badge from his uniform. He was escorted back to the beach and got into position on Team Farron's side of the water field.

Wakka couldn't believe his eyes, "Tidus! What you doing man? Don't let those meanie Farrons tell you what to do ya, follow your heart!"

Tidus kept silent and put on his game face. An Auroch threw the ball into the air to start the new round and Tidus leaped up, turned upside down, and did a JECHT SHOT. The ball torpedoed right past the Auroch's goalkeeper.

"GÓLLLLLLLLLL!" Snow yelled with his titan voice. Team Farron rejoiced and tackled down Tidus in happiness.

"Hey, HEY!" Tidus said as he also received some slaps on his butt. Team Farron went back into position, only to have Tidus win them another round, and ANOTHER!

Team Farron could not believe this; they hired this petite blonde months ago to exploit and use like a tool, they would have never imagined that he would win them their first blitzball match.

"Two to Three, Team Farron wins ya!" Wakka declared and handed Sazh the tickets for Lulu's magic show.

Lightning gave Tidus a pat on the back as everyone else proceeded to slap his butt, "Good work Tomokazu, I'll give you a 5% raise."

"YES!" Tidus would have never imagined that he could use his blitz skills to work his way up the farm's corporate ladder, just like in Zanarkand.

Night had fallen and the gang returned to the village to watch the magic show. Since Tidus was in charge of the ticketing he stamped their tickets and seated them on some logs around the bonfire. Vanille was sitting with her flamingo and noticed that Hope still wasn't back yet. She messaged him on the group chat. "Hope, where r u?"

Sora texted back, "Oh no, what happened?" Vanille proceeded to tell Sora all about Wermie. "I swear to Mickey I will send a helicopter search party to find that worm if Hope can't himself."

"We won? Eyem comeeng!" Hope finally texted back. He passed Snow and Serah on his way back, who were standing about 100 feet away from the bonfire.

"Did you find him?" Serah asked about Wermie.

"No! I searched everywhere, even through Tidus' old photo albums. Zanarkand looks AMAZING! But why are you guys standing so far for the magic show?" Hope said.

"Lulu took one look at Snow and told him to stay at least 100 feet away from the bonfire," Serah explained.

"Apparently I'm a 'fire hazard,'" Snow said.

Hope joined the others sitting at the logs just in time as Lulu began the show. She threw some animal bones into the fire and a vision started to appear. "The fire shows us the future," Lulu explained and threw some more bones in.

"WHAT!?"

The cloud of smoke started to clear and show a vision of the future. There was a tall, handsome, white-haired young man in a nice fancy uniform. "THAT's ME!" Hope yelled when he recognized himself. The young man was conducting experiments and giving instructions to subordinates. He also had a blonde girlfriend whom he kissed on the lips.

"EW!"

"What's happening? Why are my clothes so nice? Who is that girl?" Hope asked.

"If you want to see more, you need more bones. 100 gil per bone," Lulu said. Hope instantly gave her the money and she threw in a small chicken bone.

The blonde girl stabbed Hope, and he died in a pool of his own blood.

"THAT'S what Yeul meant!?" Hope wished he hadn't purchased that bone.

"Who wants to go next?" Lulu prompted.

"ME ME ME!" Snow yelled from afar and gave Serah some money to relay to Lulu.

After Lulu took the money she threw in some bones. The vision of Snow appeared, he was dressed in a very nice black suit and his hair had grown out. He sat in a huge thrown that overlooked a HUGE dance club. There were fireworks and gogo dancers everywhere. Except he sat crying on the throne, alone.

"WAIT, where's Serah!?" Snow realized. When Yeul told him about his dance club he expected Serah to be there too. He gave Serah more money to relay to Lulu.

Lulu threw in another bone, indeed there was no Serah. Instead Lightning appeared, crashing the party. They proceeded to have a fight to the death.

"The spirits tell me that you will forever be a l'Cie, and you will lose Serah after she runs away from home and travels through time. Lightning will kill you to put you out of your misery," Lulu explained.

"Thank you sis, a life without Serah is not a life worth living!" Snow said, completely disregarding the first 21 years of his life he spent not knowing Serah existed.

"Ok ok, I think we are done here," Sazh decided after Snow and Dajh started crying. Lulu put out the fire and left to do her next show on Kilika Island.

"Snowey bear, it's just a magic show," Serah tried to comfort her weeping husband.

Tidus came over, "Snow, don't panic! She told me I'm not a real boy, I'll die of Sin poisoning, and that Yuna will marry a Guado. But here I am! Real, alive, and married to Yuna!" Tidus said.

The gang returned to the Crusader's lodge to go to bed. The next morning Tidus gave them their wakeup call bright and early at 8AM with a song, "Make my wish come true, let darkness fade to LIGHHHHHHHHHHHT! Show me there's still hope, show me it's not OVERRRRRR!"

Snow snapped right out of sleep coma to join in, "Battles we can WIIIIIIIN, our struggle lies WITHINNNNNN! Will we live to greet the DAWNNNN!?"

"Please stop," Serah pleaded, although they were singing her theme song.

"I DIDn'T PADDLE FOR 2 HOURS to get here only to be woken up early like our work days!" Fang yelled. "Right Light?"

Everyone looked over to Lightning's bed but she was gone. Tidus took a peak from the entrance to see if she was outside. "OH NO!" Tidus said when saw her and realized what she was doing.

"Then I said, dammit Jecht, put down the blitzball and give me a hand, this airship ain't gonna build itself!" Auron said.

"Hahahaha!" Lightning gave the most lady-like giggle she possible could.

"AURON! What are you doing!?" Tidus said when he approached the two at a jewelry stand.

"I was just telling this young lady about-" Auron began to explain.

"THIS LADY IS MY BOSS!" Tidus got hysterical. "Don't talk to her, don't look at her, don't even pretend she exists!"

"Gosh Tomo, is this how you treat Yuna when the doors are closed?" Lightning played innocent. "Hey Auron, you want to buy me this crystal pendant? It matches the bracelet you got me, and my eyes."

"It sure does!" Auron agreed and dropped 10K gil on the pendant.

"AURON! Don't let her do this to you, it's all an act! Lightning is a sociopath!" Tidus tried to tell him.

"Who's Lightning? My name is Claire," Lightning said then turned to Auron, "Hey you wanna go pan for gold down by the river with me?"

"Sounds like fun Claire!" Auron agreed and left with Lightning to do her deeds.

Tidus ran back into the Crusader's Lodge to tell everybody the news. "Did you find her?" Fang asked.

"She seduced my uncle into being her sugar daddy! She put up a fake nice-girl-next-door act and forced him to go mining for gold for her!" Tidus explained.

"HEY! Maybe the _Lightning_ thing is the act, and now she's just being herself for the first time since her parents died. Don't ruin this for her Tidus!" Sazh advised him.

"YEAH!" everyone else yelled and got mad at Tidus. Snow took Tidus by the collar and slammed him against the wall, "I swear to SHIVA Tidus, if you mess this up I will steal your suntan lotion and replace it with cooking oil."

"SNOW."

"Not cool man."

"That's just too far," Sazh protested with the rest of the gang and forced Snow to let go of Tidus.

"HA! Joke's on you, Lulu already beat you to it," Tidus snapped, but cringed at the memory of the time he woke up from his afternoon beach nap with 4th degree sunburns, ready to be served for dinner.

As the gang was arguing with Tidus, Hope sat at the corner by his bed making signs to post around town. 'Lost werm, small and fragile, plees return 2 small white boi or girl with flameengo. Praise b tú yevn.'

"Hope, that's no good!" Vanille commented when she saw his signs, then took out a green gel pen and drew some $ signs. She, her flamingo, and Hope exited the Crusader's Lodge to put up the signs, they entered the pet shop first.

"Excuse me," Vanille told the shop owner, "Do you mind if we put this sign in your shop? We've been searching for this worm since yesterday."

"Um…you sure you don't just wanna buy another one? I mean they were 1 gil," the owner said.

"My boss will MURDER me if I don't find him!" Hope said and started fake crying.

"Eew, stop!" The owner said then finally put up the sign.

"You know Hope, you don't have to cry to get people to do as you say," Vanille told him as they exited the shop.

"But that's what my mom does whenever my dad tries to stop her from waxing my eyebrows," Hope explained.

He and Vanille then walked into the sacred temple since Hope wasn't able to search through it after it closed for the day yesterday. Vanille approached a purple haired man with feathers in his hair and a purple body suit. "Excuse me," she said and handed him a flyer, "have you seen this worm?"

"Please kill me."

"Oooook," Vanille said and walked away, still holding onto her flamingo's leash. She saw a sign that said "Summoners and guardians ONLY" by some stairs that led up to a closed door. "Hey Hope, how about we look there?" she told him and pointed to the door to the Cloister of Trials.

"Great idea!"

Back in the village, Tidus was serving some martinis to the rest of the gang who was chilling in the sun with Yuna.

"She was apprehensive at first, but then I said, 'Judge Yuffie, konnichiwa. Watashi wa Yuki desu. Kochira wa Serah desu. Watashitachi wa MARRIED!' then she let us on her show!" Snow told Yuna about the time that he and Serah were on an episode of Judge Yuffie.

"Wow! Is the show scripted or it everything for real?" Yuna asked.

"It's for real all right, thank goodness Snow won the case because if he had lost he would legally owe me $2000 for the chocobo damages, on top of the thousands from his time in Rehab," Serah explained.

Just then Sazh's cellphone rang, Hope's name was on the caller ID. "LORD what's this boy want now!" Hope usually called Sazh when he needed a favor behind his mom's back, such as a ride to a Zack Fair concert or to a rave with Vanille and Serah. He answered the phone and put it on speakerphone, "What is it boy?"

"SAZH HELP! We're trapped and we can't get out!" Hope screams were heard through the speaker phone.

"Did you find the worm!?" Fang yelled into Sazh's phone.

"Yes!" Vanille's voice said. "But Jelly ate him."

"Where did you get trapped?" Sazh asked.

"I-i-i-i-n the t-t-temple! The music is scary in here!" Hope answered.

"WHERE IN THE TEMPLE!?" Fang yelled again, since she was still not used to using cellphones.

"We went up the stairs in the middle and went through the door, now we can't get out!" Hope answered.

"OH MY GAWD!" Tidus yelled when he realized that they had trapped themselves inside the Cloister of Trials. "Hope, Vanille, you two are inside the Cloister of Trials. It's supposed to be for summoners and their guardians ONLY. If anyone finds out you're in there you will be in huge trouble. After I trespassed and escaped I was arrested and tied to a pole for 3 days," Tidus told them.

"Haha! No way we're waiting 3 days," Snow said, "We're outta here the SECOND Judge Yuffie calls to confirm our hotel accommodations!"

"Help!" Hope yelled since no one was making things better.

"Ok, listen to me," Tidus said. "Go to youtube, search 'Besaid Cloister of Trials,' and watch the video tutorial, remember you can only hold ONE sphere at a time."

"Tidus, why are you in the tutorial videos?" Vanille asked after searching on her phone.

"They used the video surveillance footage to publicly humiliate me," Tidus answered.

"I thought machina was forbidden by Yevon?" Fang asked.

"They said it was 'an exception,'" Tidus said as he also remembered the time he was held at gun point for crashing Yuna's wedding with Seymour Guado.

Wakka walked over to the gang, astounded to see what was happening. "ZO MY GOSH! What are you doing ya? I told you guys, no machina!"

"Sorry Wakka, I'll make sure they don't do it again," Yuna lied and shooed him away.

Just then Snow's cellphone rang, he picked it up. "Judge Yuffie! Yes we are doing GREAT! Where are we?" Snow turned to Serah, "Babe, where are we?"

"Besaid, off the coast of Luca," Serah reminded him.

"Beesayd, off the coast of Looka!" Snow imitated what Serah told him. "The rebels are gone? Suteki da ne! Yes we will be there tomorrow first thing in the morning, a nice taxi driver named Cid Highwind will be dropping us off. WHAT? NO WAY! Of course I will tell him, arigato!" Snow ended his call with Judge Yuffie.

Since they had just received the confirmation for their stay at Wutai, the gang went back to the Crusader's Lodge to pack up and Serah went to look for his sister. She found her and Auron at the river, panning for gold.

"Found another one Claire!" Auron said and placed the gold nugget from his pan into Lightning's loot bucket.

"Keep it up," Lightning replied and continued panning for gold herself.

"THIS is your idea of a first date? Why am I not surprised?" Serah said, remembering the time that Lightning suggested that she and Snow plan a bank robbery to celebrate their one month anniversary. "Sis we're leaving, Judge Yuffie just called."

Lightning stood up from her squatting position, "Gotta go Auron, make sure you save anymore gold you find for me, I'll pick it up next time I visit. And my birthday's in 3 days so mail me something nice, preferably diamonds."

"Of course!" Auron agreed and continued panning for gold.

She and Serah returned to the Crusader's Lodge where Snow, Sazh, Fang, and Tidus were clapping and hugging Hope and Vanille.

"You found the worm?" Lightning asked.

"No!" Hope said happily, "We found our way out!" he said, not mentioning that they had committed sacrilege.

-end-

Hope you all enjoyed that one! I rebooted an old save file to revisit Besaid for this chapter. I updated my profile with more info about me and future fics by the way, if you want to check that out.

Please review! Thank you CustomEyes and GREAT idea I'll definitely be putting that in! :D


	20. Chapter 20: Vacation Part 2 Wutai

Hey guys! Uploading this early because this site has been acting weird for the past few days, I was finally able to log in to my account so I'm uploading now in case I can't log in later. Feel free to check/ message/follow my tumblr for any emergency announcements in the future in case I can't log in or this site is down: litnong dot tumblr dot com

Note: One semi-major FF7 spoiler in this chapter! Sorry . Also, I realized I never thoroughly explained the Zack situation (being an actor/musician/sick)…so I elaborated more on that at the end of this chapter, it has to do with the original FF7 Tales of the Chocobo Kind.

Chapter 20: Vacation Part 2 Wutai

The next morning Cid Highwind arrived bright and early with his airship, the Highwind, and landed it in the middle of Besaid Village. "Hurry up before those Yevon fools see us and start lecturing about their damned machina!" Cid prompted the gang into the ship. "NO PETS," he added when he saw the flamingo.

Vanille got teary eyed and gave Jelly one last hug, "Don't ever forget me," she said and took Jelly off her leash.

"I'm not paying for this," Lightning said as they boarded the ship. She had agreed with Cid that he would pick them up in the taxi cab, not this huge airship.

"Sis DON'T WORRY, I got us the 'Judge Yuffie' special! 1st class airship for the price of the taxi," Snow said.

"You know Judge Yuffie?" Sazh asked Cid as he tied Dajh to the nearest stable object with some rope.

"Know her? We found her in the middle of the forest back in our FF7 days, that little Wut stole all our materia!" Cid replied as he revved up the engine of the Highwind. "SHERA! You still haven't served them tea!"

"I…I'm sorry," Shera said as she came in with the cups of tea.

"Thank you!" Hope quickly said and chugged down the magma hot tea before Cid could get mad at him again.

"Hold onto yer panties, this ship's ready to sail!" Cid yelled as he piloted the Highwind upwards into the air.

"WOAHHH!" said the gang as the ship sailed up in a 70 degree angle, the hot tea went everywhere.

The ship finally stabilized itself and started its smooth sailing. "CID the tea's everywhere, why do you make me serve it before lift off?" Shera complained to her boyfriend.

"Don't tell me how'ter run my ship!" Cid said then took out a cigar. "Hope no one's got asthma cuz Shera's lost her CPR equipment and I ain't giving no mouth to mouth!"

"Hope, _run_!" Lightning said, knowing that Hope is a severe asthmatic.

"AHHH!" Hope yelled and ran out of the cockpit before Cid lit the cigar.

It was only a matter of minutes before the Highwind reached the continent of Wutai; Cid landed the plane by the capital city. "Now get out of my ship! Shera and I got a Celine Dion concert in ONE HOUR. Scrat!"

The gang quickly gathered their luggage, untied Dajh, retrieved Hope, and got off the airship. They headed towards the entrance of the village of Wutai and were greeted by a petite Wutanese man. "Helloo! Welcome to Wutai. Please surrender any Materia now."

"We don't play with materia, we use the paradigm system," Fang explained.

"Does THIS count as materia?" Snow showed the man Serah's crystal tear.

"No. You are clear to enter, please follow the young man up ahead," the Wutanese man said and pointed them onward.

The young man was wearing Shinra gear and had a full face helmet on, "Welcome, Yuffie has been expecting you-"

"That's JUDGE Yuffie to you!" Snow got angry.

"WAIT! Take off the helmet!" Sazh said, he recognized the young man's unconfident voice.

The young man refused, so they jumped him and took it off for him. "CLOUD!?"

"What are you doing!? We thought you were a First Class SOLDIER!" Vanille said, and took out her phone and got ready to tweet about this.

"PLEASE don't tell Tifa I never made it to Soldier," Cloud pleaded.

"Uh…I think she knows by now," Lightning said.

"Enough with the chitchat, take us to Judge Yuffie," Hope demanded, knowing that Cloud was one of the very few people he was allowed to talk down to.

Cloud led them through the village entrance. "This place is BEAUTIFUL!" Serah said and started taking photos. "Snow, stand over there by the bridge," she said and started having a mini-photoshoot.

Cloud led them onward past the weapons shop, restaurant, item shop, and into the northern part of the village. "This is Lord Godo's house," Cloud showed them their destination. "Well...it WAS, before…you know."

"Before what!?" Sazh said.

"BeforeYuffiehiredustoassasinatehim," Cloud said quickly.

"Uh, you still sure you want us to stay here Light?" Fang asked with concern.

"Let's mosey," Lightning demanded.

"WAIT!" Serah yelled before they went inside. She took out a water bottle and quickly mixed in some horchata mix. "Ok ready."

Cloud let them into the hotel, Yuffie was waiting in the hallway. "VINNIE THEY'RE HERE!" she screamed and rushed to the gang. She gave Serah and Snow two big hugs.

"Judge Yuffie!" Snow said, picked her up, and spun her around. "We are SO happy to see you again! May I interest you in more of Serah's homemade horchata?" Snow said and took the bottle from Serah.

"Keep it comin!" Yuffie answered and chugged down the drink. "These must be your coworkers you told me about! Which one's the female Cloud!?"

"THIS ONE!" they all pointed at Lightning.

"_What?_"

"Oh my gawd! You weren't kidding!" Yuffie said. "VINNIE COME SEE HER, THEY WERE SERIOUS!"

Vincent finally emerged from his deep slumber, "Hello, nice to meet you. My name's Vincent," he said and gave them handshakes with his metal fingers. "Please allow me to show you to your rooms."

Vincent opened the first door, it was a large room with three futon mattresses and had a nice view of the koi pond. "This is the deluxe suite. Reserved for Hope, Vanille, and Fang," he read from his list.

"COOL!" they said and ran in.

Vincent escorted them down the hallway to the next room, "This is the library suite, with books and ancient Wutanese manuscripts reserved for Sazh and Dajh."

"Hallelujah!"

"Next is the honeymoon suite, reserved for Serah and Snow," Vincent showed them to the room with one futon.

"Don't get TOO rowdy, wink wink cough cough!" Yuffie said.

"Arigato gozaimasu!" Snow said as he and Serah bowed to their queen.

"Lastly, the shrine suite for Lightning," Vincent showed Lightning to the shrine room.

"Ohhhh yeahhhh," she said when she spotted the solid gold statue.

"When you go over to the Turtle Paradise for lunch, tell the chef lunch is on ME!" Yuffie told her guests. "The password's 'Queen Yuffie.'"

"YEAHHHH!" they said and headed out to the restaurant.

"Hello!" The waiter greeted them as they entered Turtle Paradise. "Table or bar?"

"QUEEN YUFFIE!"

"Ohhh, our new queen has guests!" the waiter said and seated them at their table.

The gang sat down and started looking through the menu. But just then Lightning spotted a familiar spikey black haired babe sitting at the bar. "HOPE, it's Zack Fair!" she whispered.

"_The_ Zack Fair!?" Hope started panicking.

"ACT. NORMAL." Lightning told him, grabbed him by the arm, walked over to the bar and sat right next to Zack and Aeris. "Hello Zack and Aeris!" she said and activated her nice-girl-next-door act.

"That girl got no chill," Sazh commented when he saw that just went down.

"Oh hello!" Aeris said.

"Hey! I haven't seen you guys since the festival!" Zack greeted them. "How's the chocobo farm business going?"

"GREAT, I'm filthy rich," Lightning replied.

"Zack Zack! What do you call a deer with no eyes?" Hope asked his hero.

"Hope, _NO_," Lightning tried to stop him.

"No eyed-deer!" (No idea)

"Good one buddy! You should consider becoming a stand-up comedian. Hey, you can be my opening act!" Zack told Hope.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Hope couldn't believe his ears.

"I'll have my people call your people," Zack reassured him. Just then Zack's phone rang. "Hey Sephiroth! Oh MAN, I was having lunch with my girl and two of my Legacy's. Fine, fine I'm coming," Zack said then hung up. "Sorry, duty calls! But hey, there's a hiking class later today, will I see you guys there?"

"YOU KNOW IT," Lightning and Hope both answered. Zack gave Aeris a kiss on the cheek and left.

"So Aeris, how's the Mako poisoning thing going?" Lightning asked.

"He's still alive so that's good enough for me," Aeris answered. "I need to give him hourly Mako injections on his gluteal muscle."

"This is great, Hope you getting this down?" Lightning asked her sidekick.

"Yup!" Hope answered and wrote 'ourly gluteel mussel injexion' on his notepad.

"So how many milligrams we talking? 5mg? 10mg?" Lightning probed Aeris.

"Nope, just 1 milligram."

"Great!" Hope said. He was only able to steal 5mg of pure mako from his dad; they had 5 hours worth.

"If you give him extra mako ahead of time will he survive?" Lightning continued.

"No no no no, it must be every hour. He will seize with too much mako."

"If he does seize, can I give him some of my anticonvulsants?" Hope asked since he too was an epileptic.

"Nope, you need to cast Bolt3 or an equivalent," Aeris said, oblivious to the fact that she was giving all the instructions for kidnapping Zack.

After lunch the gang returned to the castle to get ready for the hiking class. Lightning and Hope packed a backpack with rope, mako, needles, duct tape, and a marriage certificate. Snow and Serah packed a backpack with a gallon of water and horchata mix. Sazh and Dajh packed hiking poles, canteens, visors, and emergency flares. And Fang and Vanille packed some bear traps and fishing spears.

Yuffie was waiting for them at the lobby of the castle hotel, "You guys READY!? Cuz VINNIE ain't," she said passive aggressively to Vincent who was standing next to her with nothing packed and still in his metal shoes.

"I am not alive, nor dead. I am in no danger."

Everyone left the hotel to meet Zack and Aeris outside. "YOU again?" Snow said disapprovingly at Zack.

"Hey there! I haven't seen you since…you…kicked us off your tour bus and called security," Zack tried to greet Snow as politely as he could.

"_There can only be one hero_," Snow threatened him.

Just then their hiking instructor showed up, it was none other than Tifa Lockheart! "TIFA, thank goodness you're here," Snow said, "Did you know that Cloud is a LIAR? He told us he was a first class SOLDIER, but he's just an errand boy for Shinra!"

"Cloud says a lot of things," Tifa answered. "Is everyone ready? With comfortable shoes and water?"

"Oops! Gimme a sec lemme get some aqua," Yuffie said.

Serah came prepared, "For you Judge Yuffie," she said and handed her the gallon of horchata she knew would come in handy.

"Mamma mia!"

Tifa led the group to the village square, across the bridge, and to the base of the mountain. "We're gonna be going all the way to the top of the mountain," Tifa said. "If anyone, leaves the group we will hunt you down and end the trip immediately."

Hope started panicking. Zack gave him a pat on the back, "Don't worry kiddo, I'll make sure you stay safe and sound!" Hope panicked even more.

Just then Vanille got a text on her phone, "Um, Lightning, Noct says to call him immediately."

"Tell him I'm on vacation."

"He says this is urgent and that lives are at stake!" Vanille insisted.

"His problem, not mine," Lightning insisted, she had bigger and better things to do; she was so close to finally becoming Mrs. Fair.

Vanille texted Noctis back, telling him to handle it himself.

"S***!" Noctis, who was back at the barn, yelled. "SORA, call your dad, get us a helicopter STAT!"

"On it!" Sora panicked and dialed his dad.

Riku showed up and reported to Noctis, "I can't find Kairi, but I was able to rescue some baby chocobos," he said and took out the baby chocobos from his pockets.

Noctis was too busy rehearsing with his crew to notice that the farm had turned into chaos.

Completely oblivious of the situation, the group in Wutai started their hiking trip up the Da Chao Mountain path. "daddy my feet hurt," Dajh said after 10 seconds on the rocky path.

"No they don't," Sazh told his son; Dajh had to learn quickly that a man needs strength and stamina.

"So Yuffie, care to explain about the Da Chao mountain?" Tifa said as she led the group up the path.

"It was a few years ago," Yuffie started. "Me and a lady Turk were kidnapped by a pimp named Don Corneo! I almost DIED! Ooh and not to mention, there's a fire cave so don't go in there," Yuffie told them irrelevant information about the mountain.

Tifa noticed that two people were missing, "Who's missing!? Do we really have to end the trip this soon?"

Fang and Vanille were in a corner setting up a bear trap, "We're right here!" Fang said and put some nuts beside the trap for bait. It's been too long since they've had bear meat.

Lightning grabbed Hope, "Push Zack into the trap," she told him. "Do it."

"WHAT!?"

"He can't run away if he can't _run_."

"I'm not gonna cripple Zack Fair!" Hope defied Lightning's orders. He wanted to kidnap his hero as humanely as possible.

The group continued on the path, went right at the fork, and hiked all the way around the statue's head, then turned right again. "We're almost to the top!" Tifa announced.

"Thank goodness!" Aeris said, since Zack was completely covered in sweat and reeked.

"That's the fire cave over there!" Yuffie pointed to the left, "Don't bother with it, I already took all the materia that's there."

Lightning turned to Hope, "Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain, or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories, your fate is in your hands!"

Hope knew he had to do it _now_. Serah was talking to Aeris, asking her about what it's like being a nurse; this was the perfect chance, with Aeris distracted and Zack exhausted, no one would notice him missing. "Where are we taking him?" Hope consulted Lightning.

"The fire cave, I'll knock him out then you help me drag him into the cave. GO!"

Hope panicked, then tapped Zack on the shoulder, "Hey Zack?"

"What's up? :D"

Lightning punched Zack in the face, rendering him unconscious; she and Hope quickly dragged him into the fire cave before anyone could notice. The tied him up his arms and legs, got the doses of Mako ready, and started filling out the marriage certificate. "What if he doesn't want to go along with our plan?" Hope asked nervously.

"We'll _make him_," Lightning bluffed, she didn't think they'd make it this far.

Zack started regaining consciousness, "Oh heeyyyyy what's going on here?" he asked when he realized he was tied up and sitting on the floor.

Hope gathered all the courage he had, "You're gonna fill out this marriage certificate and adoption papers and you're gonna LIKE IT!"

"WHAT!? I'm engaged to Aeris!"

"Not anymore," Hope threatened him, "We're gonna be the perfect family."

"Oh ok," Zack tried to calm them down, "You guys know that's I'm insanely sick right?"

"Yeah don't worry we got the Mako, Aeris told us what to do, we got you," Lightning said.

"No…I mean, my medical bills are _insane, _Aeris works 2 full time jobs and I try to do as many gigs and telenovelas as possible, but we're still living pay check to pay check," Zack explained.

"Dear Odin, how much do you cost to keep alive?" Lightning asked.

"Let's just say…only someone like Rufus Shinra can afford to pay my bills and still live comfortably," Zack said sadly.

Lightning and Hope huddled to talk privately, "Hope, we can't afford him."

"But this was YOUR idea! Do you know how hard it was to steal the mako? I had to break into Shinra HQ to get it!" Hope said.

"No one told you to break into Shinra HQ!" Lightning slapped him upside the head. "Now go tell Zack that we love him very much but he's not worth his medical bills."

Hope walked back to Zack. "Zack, you are my _hero, _but we don't deserve you," he said and started crying.

"Hey don't cry! How's this, I'll give you a lifetime concert pass? Backstage access and everything!" Zack tried to console Hope.

"YAY!"

Lightning started fake crying to join in. "Aww not you too!" Zack said.

"I'll stop crying if you reenact some scenes from Mi Príncipe Ignacio with me," Lightning suggested.

"Sure!" Zack said and was finally untied. "Hope, will you do us the honor of playing my rival?"

"OF COURSE!" Hope agreed, although he couldn't speak Spanish.

Back outside the group was at the top of the mountain admiring the view, Aeris went several minutes before realizing that Zack was gone. "You guys, Zack is missing!"

Yuffie turned to Aeris, "Girlfriend, this is a sign, you are FREE! Now quit your day job and audition for Midgar's Next Top Model!"

"My sis and Hope are gone too!" Serah realized. "Snow, we gotta find them!"

"On it!" Snow said and ran away to search.

"I'll check the bear trap!" Fang said as an excuse to check up on her bear trap.

"No guys, ugh this was exactly what wasn't supposed to happen," Tifa said, disappointed that she can never have a peaceful hiking trip.

"Um, they're in the fire cave doing weird stuff," Vincent said after quickly checking the last place they would probably be.

The gang quickly went to the fire cave and saw Zack, Lightning, and Hope acting out scenes in Spanish. Zack was proposing to Lightning while Hope had a fake gun to his head.

"Zack! You scared me to death, let's get out of here and go home," Aeris said when she saw that Zack was alright.

"Ooh, is this from last week's episode?" Serah asked when she recognized what they were doing.

Fang ran into the fire cave to deliver some bad news, "Dammit, Snow got caught in my bear trap! I wanted a bear not a Yeti."

"Shoot!" Vanille said, also disappointed. "Is he ok?"

"It's just his stupid pants' scarf that got caught. Doesn't want to let it go cuz his 'meemaw' made it fer Christmas!" Fang said.

Tifa finally had enough, "Ok, everyone OUT of the fire cave now, and back to the village." They followed her orders and made their way back and picked up Snow.

The gang returned to the castle hotel to pack their things. "Leaving so soon!? Why!?" Yuffie said surprised.

"Aeris and Tifa hate our guts now," Lighting explained, "I think it's best we leave before they get their revenge."

"Awww phooey! Well next time you wanna be in the presence of a QUEEN just come visit me again," Yuffie suggested.

Snow and Serah came over to Yuffie and got on one knee, "Judge Yuffie, it was an HONOR to visit your empire and receive your hospitality," they told her. "Please accept this as a token of our gratitude!" Snow added and handed Yuffie a key to their farm.

"You can't just give people keys to my farm!" Lightning said; they need to pay for key privileges like Sora did.

-end-

I LOVE Wutai, it's one of my favorite locations in any FF! I hope the remake serves it justice :) The next chapter is the last vacation chapter and will take place at a very FUN *wink wink* popular location *wink wink wink* and it's also Lightning's birthday!

Please review! Thank you CustomEyes! :D See you all next time!

Long note if you want to read it:

To explain the Zack situation now. First thing I need to say is that everything that I write is my personal head-cannon. That being said Zack is Mexican American, Snow is a Kansas redneck, Noctis is Italian American, Yuffie is Japanese, Hope is a sheltered suburban Christian boy, Sazh is from the 1950's and doesn't realize it's 2015 (don't ask), Fang and Vanille are from an undocumented part of the Siberian Tundra, Lightning is practically Ron Swanson's long-lost daughter, etc.

That being said in the original FF7 version of this fic Zack's middle name is Ignacio (LOL). So his telenovela (Mexican drama/soap opera) now is called 'My Prince Ignacio.' He and Cloud overdosed on Mako when they were in college and Zack has to pay the physical consequences (and Cloud the mental). So Zack is super sick, Aeris being the 'white mage' is his nurse and girlfriend. To pay his medical bills he does acting and music alongside working for SOLDIER. So he's super famous… I guess you can say he's the Justin Timberlake of my fanfiction universe LOL. That being said the premise of the original FF7 Tales of the Chocobo Kind was that the entire thing was a REALITY SHOW. (I assure u this FF13 version is NOT a reality show, so don't worry about that plot twist). For the record the FF7 version only reached 5 chapters and most of the content/dialogue is in this version.


	21. Chapter 21: Vacation Part 3 Gold Saucer

Get ready for a rollercoaster ride! I actually cried a few times writing this chapter, that's what happens when I put my favorite FF cast in one of my favorite FF locations. Enjoy! PS SEMI-MAJOR FF8 spoilers!

Chapter 21: Vacation Part 3 Gold Saucer

"YUFFIE 'yer making me LOSE money! I'm practically paying THEM to go on vacation!" Cid yelled at Yuffie for making him fly the gang in the Highwind for free. He couldn't disobey her since she'd sue him for all his crimes back from their FF7 days on national television.

"Bleh bleh bleh! Arg arg arg! Wadadadaweee! All you ever do is complain!" Yuffie retorted as her guests made their way up the ladder into the airship.

Zack saw that the gang was leaving and ran over quickly, "Hey, wait up guys!"

"You _again_? Can't you see that we're on a tight schedule and going somewhere cool?" Snow said.

"Sweet, where you guys goin?"

"Uh… where are we going?" Snow asked Serah, who was right above him on the ladder.

"Gold Saucer!" Serah replied. _Finally. _She's always wanted to go as a kid, but Lightning would always take her to the junkyard to play instead.

"Tell Mr. Hangman I say 'How's it hanging?'" Zack said then handed Snow two lifetime backstage passes to relay to Lightning and Hope.

The gang settled to their spots in the cockpit and Cid revved up the engine and took off. "Where to!?"

"gold sawser!" little Dajh said with excitement.

"GOLD SAUCER!? That place is the biggest scam in the world! They use their own currency to make sure you don't notice you've lost all yer life savings on their DAMN CHOCOBO RACES!" Cid reflected on the time he had lost all his life savings at the chocobo races.

"It's the only place with a casino AND male strip club," Lightning said; it was the perfect place for her birthday.

"Sis, there's no male strip club. I used to tell you that to try to convince you to take me to Gold Saucer," Serah confessed.

"DAMMIT!"

"We got a text from Noctis!" Fang announced as her cellphone showed the notification. "Vanille, what do I do next?"

"Slide the button to unlock it. No other way. Ok now press the home button. No that was the power button. Ok wait till it turns on, ok now press 'Messages.' Then click on Noct's face. No that's my face. Ok there we go!" Vanille explained to technologically-challenged Fang.

"He says, 'What's wet, burnt, and half empty all at the same time?'" Fang announced Noctis' text message.

"I love riddles!" Sazh said, he liked to spend his free time cracking secret messages from World War II. "Try, 'a skinny white boy at the beach.'"

"Hey!" Hope said.

"He says, 'your farm'?" Fang announced the answer.

"What?"

"Ask him, 'Who's getting fired I don't find a bucket full of coins collected from the pond when I come back?'" Lightning said, completely ignoring the blaringly obvious message Noctis had tried to convey. Fang texted Lightning's message to Noctis.

Back at the farm, Sora and Riku were huddled with Noctis awaiting their reaction. "What's taking so long?" Riku complained, not knowing that Fang texts at a rate of 3 words per minute.

The message finally came in, "Who's getting fired I don't find a bucket full of coins collected from the pond when I come back?"

"Uh…..…." They said.

"Ok, that gives us some time," Sora said. "We have three days to find everything that went missing, clean up the flood, and rebuild the barn. I'll call my plumber and take care of the flood. Noct, you can teleport right? You're in charge of finding the Chocobos and Kairi. Riku you're on construction duty."

"Why me!?" Riku said, disappointed that he was in charge of single-handedly rebuilding the barn.

"You have the most dense height-to-muscle ratio," Noctis said and teleported away.

Back at the airship, Cid started to land the Highwind by North Corel. "No matter what they say, DO NOT buy any jewelry in Corel. I repeat DO NOT buy yer girlfriend her birthday present from those mud monkeys!" Cid warned them about the cursed clay jewelry North Corel was infamous for.

The gang got off the Highwind and entered the dusty, crude town of North Corel. "I think this is where Riku works at," Vanille commented after remembering that Riku works at a junkyard.

It was already nighttime, since they had originally planned to stay a night at Judge Yuffie's palace and fled instead. Lightning led them towards a shack that said "Inn, only 5 gil per night!"

"Um, sis, we're so close to Gold Saucer, why don't we just head over there now and see if they'll let us check in a night early?" Serah suggested.

"Sure, why don't we spend even more money and fall deeper into our crippling debt?" Lightning reminded Serah; although Sora had given them hundreds of thousands of dollars, they were still in debt for Lightning's penthouse in Bodhum, Snow's time in rehab, the chocobo farm's upkeep, and their employees' miniscule salaries.

The gang entered the inn shack and were greeted by a kid. "Hi! 5gil per night, and 2gil more if you want breakfast in the morning," the kid told them.

"Fantastic!" Snow said and handed the kid 7 gil. He turned to Lightning, "Hey sis, put this one in your books."

"Ok, so now you owe me $39,993," Lightning wrote down Snow's first payment towards his rehab balance.

"Excuse me, where is your restroom?" Hope asked the kid in charge.

The kid handed him a crock pot. "Give it back to me when you're done."

"Hey, are you that little girl we met in Midgar? What's your name…Marcus?" Sazh said when he recognized the little girl.

"Marlene. Yeah my daddy runs this place. He should be visiting in the morning," Marlene explained; Barret was a business man by day, clay jeweler by night.

"Dang, Barret's prices CANNOT be beat!" Sazh remarked.

The gang finally called it a night and went to bed on the dusty blankets. The next morning they were awaken by some gunshots.

"MOVE MOVE MOVE!" Lightning instantly woke up, got out her gunblade, and ran outside to attack.

"Sis, you're not in the military anymore!" Serah said, knowing that Lightning had to endure random gunfire drills when she was training for the Guardian Corps.

The gang went outside to see what all the commotion was about. Barret was shooting some geese that were flying overhead for lunch later. "Oh, heya! Well if it ain't my chocobo farm laborers. What brings you to North Corel!?" Barret greeted them.

"We're going to Gold Saucer for our boss' birthday!" Vanille announced.

"Be careful, Cid lost all his savin's betting on them chocobos. He was ready to declare bankruptcy before he decided to be a taxi pilot," Barret warned them. "Marlene should be finishing up making breakfast, be sure to chow down before leavin.'"

The gang returned to the shack and saw Marlene serving stew from the crock pot into some bowls. "Forks or chopsticks?" she asked.

"Chopsticks," Serah said, knowing that Marlene would give them forks instead.

"Um…is that the same…crock pot I peed in last night?" Hope asked nervously.

"And?" Marlene replied.

"This is DELICIOUS!" Snow said as he devoured down his bowl of stew. "Can you please give Serah the recipe? I think she can learn a thing or two from you!" he complimented Marlene's culinary skills.

Fang and Vanille decided to skip Marlene's breakfast and instead went outside to tour the vendors and their wares in hopes of finding a birthday present for Lightning. They approached a man selling clay jewelry on a rug. "Please buy something, anything will do!" the man said. He sold Barret's handmade clay jewelry on commission.

"Vanille, this is beautiful!" Fang said as she admired a brown clay necklace that reminded her of Oerba.

"Oh I don't know Fang… Light prefers precious metals and rare jewels. You know, stuff she can resell for $$$ later?" Vanille advised.

"I know exactly what you're looking for!" the vendor said. He took out a suitcase with a deadlock on it. He opened it up to show them a glowing white orb. "This was found at the bottom of a lake in an ancient city. Only 50 gil!"

"DEAL!" Fang and Vanille decided and paid for the White Materia. The vendor placed the gift in a small potato sack that read "Barret Jewelers."

The rest of the gang met Fang and Vanille outside and proceeded north to the Ropeway Station. The gang boarded the ropeway and quickly arrived at Gold Saucer. Upon disembarking they were greeted by a person in a big chocobo suit.

"Kweh kweh! Welcome to Gold Saucer, please purchase GP with the attendant by the entrance, KWEH!" the chocobo mascot greeted them.

"How much they paying you?" Sazh asked, knowing that having a chocobo mascot at the farm would be a good idea.

"Uhhh…not enough to feed by family, kweh!"

"I'll give you 5,000 gil for the suit," Lightning offered the mascot. "But only if you say yes right now. I'll give you the cash, no questions asked. What's it gonna be?"

"YES!" The person removed the chocobo suit and took the money. "I'M FREEEEE!" It was a child.

They took the suit then approached the woman in charge at the entrance and exchanged their gil for GP. "Have fun!" the woman told them as they finally went through the entrance to the terminal floor.

"This place is amazing!" Serah said after they saw the brightly colored room with tube slides that led to the different areas of the park. "Snow, stand by the slide!" she said, took out her camera, and they started having a mini photoshoot.

The gang went down the Ghost Square slide to head to their hotel, which was Halloween themed. When they entered they were greeted by Mr. Hangman.

"AHHHHHH!" Hope screamed when he was startled by Mr. Hangman falling from the ceiling.

"Welcome guests! Your room is right upstairs," Mr. Hangman said then went away. The gang went upstairs as they were told and entered their cute Halloween-styled suite.

"Kawaii!" Vanille said and started jumping on the bed.

"I'm off to bet at the chocobo races, who's with me?" Lightning announced.

Fang and Sazh agreed to go with the birthday girl. "Take care of Dajh, don't let him near any coins or small objects!" Sazh said and left his son to be babysat.

Lightning, Fang, and Sazh left the room. "FINALLY!" Snow said then took off his hat and boots to take out party favors and toothpaste he was hiding inside.

"Finally what?" Hope asked.

"We're throwing a surprise birthday party for my sis!" Serah explained. "The party's gonna start when the clock strikes midnight! We're trying to make up for the disaster of her last birthday."

_Flashback_

"_LIGHTNING STOP IT!"_

"_NO YOU STOP IT! GETOUTOFMYHOUSE!"_

_End Flashback_

"Yeah I heard about that, you guys have a lot on your hands. Can Hope and I help?" Vanille asked.

"No need!" Snow said as he continued dumping toothpaste tubes from his pockets. "Gadot, Labreau, Yuj, and Maqui are coming over with the cake and fireworks!"

"Hehe…yeah," Serah said. Snow had insisted on inviting his best friends for the party, and she let him even though she knew Lightning hated their guts. "But you two go have fun, we'll take care of everything here! Just please, bring back Lightning exactly at midnight."

"Sure!" Vanille and Hope agreed. Vanille tied Jelly's collar onto Dajh's hand and attached the leash. "You're coming with us Dajh!"

"yay!"

Lightning, Fang, and Sazh were making their way to the chocobo races when they were stopped by a bouncer. "Names?"

"Wait what's going on?" Sazh asked. The chocobo races were supposed to be a public event.

"The queen of Alexandria is celebrating her engagement and the President of Esthar is making a guest appearance. Only invited guests are allowed in," the bouncer explained.

"DAMMIT! Where's Noctis when you need him," Lightning said. Surely the prince of Lucis would be able to get them through.

"LISTEN here bucko," Fang said and got up close and personal with the bouncer. "This is my boss here and it's her birthday tonight. Either you let us in or we're reporting you to PSICOM for suspected Pulse l'Cie involvement."

"What?" the bouncer asked, having no clue what she just said.

"Yeah I'm calling Noctis," Sazh decided on their behalf and dialed the crown prince and put him on speaker phone. He picked up after one ring, "Hey hey hey if it ain't our chocobo prince! So funny story-" Sazh started.

"YOU wanna hear a _funny_ story?" Noctis cut him off. They could hear Riku crying and Sora yelling in the background. "Sora, Riku, and I have spent ALL DAY running around trying to-"

"Did you mail me my birthday present?" Lightning interrupted. "There weren't any presents from anyone waiting for me when I checked in."

"Yeah I kinda forgot but I sent it this morning and it should arrive before midnight. But the reason I forgot is because-" Noctis tried to explain.

"So the funny story is that we can't get into the chocobo races because we ain't VIP, so please tell this nice man that you'll send your family and their phantom swords after him if he doesn't let us through," Sazh cut off Noctis.

"I'll send my family and their phantom swords after you if you don't them them through."

"Y-y-y-yes Your Highness!" the bouncer said, fearing for his life and let the trio through.

There were people in fancy dresses and nice suits drinking champagne everywhere; Lightning, Fang, and Sazh stood out like a sore thumb. They made their way to the main desk to place their bets.

"Welcome! Please choose the chocobos you'd like to place your bets on," the attendant greeted them and pointed to the TV screen displaying the different chocobos.

"Excuse me," Lightning told the attendant when she noticed something strange, "Why do rank C bets cost 5,000 gil?" Rank C was supposed to be the least expensive, they were usually 100 gil.

"Because today's the VIP races!" the attendant said. The Gold Saucer wanted to cash in on all the VIP guests that were there today.

"How about we all pitch in and choose together?" Fang suggested. "That green one looks croiky!"

"Let's choose the pink one," Sazh suggested, "looks like the birthday girl!"

Lightning became mesmerized by a chocobo with bright gold feathers and mako green eyes; she couldn't believe how majestic and powerful it looked. "We're betting 20,000 on the gold one," she decided, convinced she would win back the money.

The three placed their bet on the chosen chocobo then tried to mingle with the VIP crowd. "I got 99 problems but money ain't one," Lightning told a small group of people who just looked at her weird and walked away.

The three approached another group. "What do Sin and technology have in common?" Sazh started to tell a joke.

"What?" a blonde male with a money tail asked, curious to know.

"The great Machina War, such a tragedy, Praise be to Yevon," Sazh said.

"Oh! You must be Sir Jecht!" the blonde male's date said and gave a curtsy. She was extremely petite and wore a wedding dress. "I am Queen Garnet Til Alexandros XVII, this is my king to be, King Zidane Tribal."

"Hiya!" the king-to-be greeted.

"We are very much looking forward to your speech about the restoration of Zanarkand that my kingdom of Alexandria will be funding," Garnet said with excitement. "Please tell us all about Zanarkand so we can build it just as it was!"

"Haha, sure!" Sazh agreed. Garnet and Zidane gave a bow to dismiss themselves to their other guests. "Oh my God what just happened?" Sazh turned to Fang and Lightning.

"Isn't Sir Jecht the name of Tidus' father? I think I heard him mention him before," Fang said.

"Who?" Lightning asked.

"The blonde one, you know, 'HAHAHA'?" Fang reminded her.

"You mean Tylenol?"

"Wait, so the Queen of Alexandria thinks I'm Tidus dad and wants me to give a speech about ZANARKAND?" Sazh finally realized what just happened. "I've got to tell her this is a mistake!"

"NOOOO!" Lightning and Fang protested.

"Don't you SEE?" Fang said. "You're Sir Jecht now. Guardian to High Summoner Braska, you got access to all these rich people. We're not Pulse l'Cie anymore, we're VIP!"

Lightning thought of something. "Call Tuesday, make him tell you all about Zanarkand, give that speech, win over their hearts. Become best friends with the Queen of Alexandria and get us invited to all of her parties. Eventually we can seduce a rich noble, or several, into giving us money. Then we retire young and party for the rest of our lives," Lightning explained her plan of becoming the most notorious Sugar Baby in the FF world.

Sazh agreed to the plan and called Tidus to start preparations.

In the meanwhile Vanille and Hope were at the Wonder Square arcade with Dajh trying to play some games. "Ohh let's try that moogle game!" Vanille said when she saw the Moogle machine. They inserted a 100gil coin to play. "This is Mog's house. It's in Mog Forest on Mt. Mog," Vanille read the words on the screen as the game began.

"Who's Mog?" Hope asked, very confused. "And why do we need to teach him how to fly?"

"Feed him a kupo nut!" Vanille suggested.

"I am!" Hope said, as he repeatedly pressed the button on the machine to feed the moogle 20 kupo nuts. "What do we do now? He's not doing anything after I feed him," he said and continued giving the nuts.

Eventually the moogle got on top of a mushroom, jumped off, and fell on its face. "Oh no! He committed suicide, this is your fault Hope!" Vanille said with shock.

"My mom's gonna KILL ME!" Hope said. He got out his cellphone, dialed his church, and began confessing his sins, begging for forgiveness.

In the meanwhile Serah and Snow were still in the hotel room hanging up decorations. "Serah babe, how you spell your sister's name?" Snow asked as he was using markers to make a banner.

"L-i-g-h-t-n-i-n-g," Serah said as she continued to hide several $1 bills around the room for a scavenger hunt later.

"Ohhhh!" Snow said, finally understanding. He crossed out the "Raitoningu" he had written then wrote the correct spelling. "And how old is she turning?"

"22, gosh when are they gonna get here?" Serah answered, wondering where their friends from NORA were.

"Ohhhh!" Snow said, crossed out the "42" he had written then wrote the correct age. The banner read: Happy 42 22nd Birthday Raitoningu Lightning!

They got a knock and on the door and Serah went to answer. "What's the password?" she asked before opening the door, making sure it was authorized personnel, not her sister.

"I'm just the mail guy if you don't want your packages just say so, I'm not here to play games," the person said. Serah opened the door and retrieved the packages. "It's presents from Noctis, Sora, Sir Auron, and Zack Fair!" she said, surprised that they actually kept their word and sent Lightning the promised gifts.

"Speaking of gifts, you got our gift right babe?" Snow asked.

"You said you were gonna get it! Remember, I gave you $20 when we were at Besaid and you said you'd get something nice at the jewelry stand!" Serah reminded her child husband.

"Oh yeahhh…" he finally remembered. He had given the money to Tidus as a tip for his services. "Yeah that money's long gone. How about I call Gadot and see if he can get us something on their way here?" he suggested then got out his cellphone and dialed his BFF. "Yuh Bruh! Where you AT?"

"We're stuck in the quicksand 'round Gold Saucer, no one told us we were supposed to take a cable car! Maqui got stuck so Labreau and I have been tryin to pull him out for the last half-hour, Yuj is refusing to help cuz he just got his nails did," Gadot explained the situation.

"Great! When you get to North Corel buy something from Barret for us, Serah and I forgot to get Lightning her present."

"Fo sho!" Gadot agreed and hung up to get back to business.

Back at the Chocobo Square it was almost time for the races to start. The guests started heading towards the arena to get seated. Just as Lightning and Fang passed by the Staffroom a certain spiky blonde walked out. "Cloud? What in the name of Pulse are you doing here?" Fang asked when they recognized the lad.

"I'm a regular here, I'm a jockey. I'm racing my chocobo that I breeded myself," Cloud explained.

"Oh no, which one is it?" Lightning said, suddenly getting very nervous.

"The Gold one-"

"We've made a terrible mistake!" Lightning realized and dragged Fang back to the main desk. "I need to change my bet, RIGHT NOW!"

"All bets are final maam," the attendant explained.

Fang climbed over the desk, got behind the scenes and took the intercom. "SHOW IS CANCELLED, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!"

"No it is not," the attendant said into the intercom after taking it back.

"What's wrong?" Sazh asked as we walked over after concluding his teleconference with Tidus.

"We bet on a bad chocobo, the gold one belongs to Cloud Strife!" Lightning explained, getting hysterical.

"What's wrong with Cloud? Yeah he's a liar, delusional, and probably schizophrenic, but that doesn't mean he's not a good racer," Sazh tried to calm her down.

"Races are starting in 5 minutes, please take your seats at the arena," the attendant announced over the intercom, solidifying their impending doom.

The three had no choice but to accept their fate and went to take their seats. Next to them sat a man with long brown hair and a casual outfit. "Hi I'm Lightning, who are YOU?" Lightning tried to strike up a conversation.

"WOW! Someone call God, cuz he's missing an ANGEL! I'm Laguna Loire, President of Esthar," the man answered and shook her hand.

"Dad PLEASE, I told you not to talk to stangers, you're embarrassing me," his son, sitting on his other side, face-palmed in embarrassment.

"Hey, you're that Squall kid that came to our festival at the farm!" Sazh said when he recognized the lad.

"Yeah, my girlfriend's still mad at me for ditching her at the Zack Fair concert."

"You KNOW these people? How could you keep this kind of secret from me, I thought we were pals!" Laguna said.

"Dad, shut up!"

"What brings you to Queen Garnet's event?" Fang asked after realizing that Laguna too was a VIP guest.

"I'm helping fund the Zanarkand Restoration Project, my country is LOADED!" Laguna explained.

"AHH YES! Well I am Sir Jecht, blitzball star of Zanarkand," Sazh introduced himself and shook Laguna and Squall's hands. "My son couldn't make it today. He's in the hospital…for…kidney stones."

"Lightning and I are his bodyguards!" Fang lied.

"It's my birthday tomorrow, wanna _celebrate_ with me later?" Lightning asked Laguna.

"OHHHH YEAHHH!"

Everything was going according to plan. '_I'M IN_.'

The race was finally was finally about to start, and Cloud stood out like a sore thumb with his spiky blond hair sticking out through the helmet. He looked over to crowd and spotted the gang; he waved and gave them a thumbs up.

"READY…GOOOOO!" the attendant announced and fired a gun to start the race. Cloud dashed past all the other chocobos at the speed of a bullet. He expertly went through the tight turns and obstacles through the bright neon racetrack. When he was about twice as far as the person behind him he took a break, tied his shoes, ate a hot dog he had packed earlier, and called Tifa to tell her that he left the stove on at her bar. He then got back onto the gold chocobo to complete the race, coming in at 1st place.

"YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Lightning, Sazh, and Fang rejoiced.

Back at the hotel room, Serah and Snow had finished setting up the decorations and props for the party. There was a knock at the door. "FINALLY!" Serah said and opened the door to find their NORA pals, "You guys took forever, we finished preparing already!"

"Girl chill, you know I don't run," Yuj said and put down his purse as they entered the room.

"He's not kidding, after we rescued Maqui we ran to North Corel but had to wait for Yuj to catch up," Labreau said.

"YOU try walking a mile in this louboutins!"

"I'm gonna go take a shower, Snow can I borrow a change of clothes?" Maqui asked, covered in mud.

"Sure!" Snow said and gave Maqui an XL size Naruto Cosplay he had purchased from Barret. "You guys got our gift?"

"About that…" Labreau started, "When we got to North Corel it was already late and a lot of vendors had closed for the day, so the selection was limited…"

Gadot took out a Furby from a potato sack, "Ain't he precious! If Lightning rejects him Maqui said he'll take him in."

"DEAR ETRO," Serah said when she saw the pink haired Furby she'd have to give to her sister; she couldn't afford to screw this birthday up after last year's.

"Great!" Snow said, happy that they had something, anything, to gift her. "Ok, let's get down to business. Yuj what you got?"

Yuj came over with a suitcase and opened it on the table to reveal his goods. He started dealing toothpaste a few years ago, when he had no money no family, 16 in the middle of Bodhum. Snow, Gadot, Labreau, and Maqui got hooked and formed NORA for the purpose of toothpaste trade and transportation and disguised it as an anti-government rebel group. They quietly made their transactions.

It was getting close to midnight and Hope and Vanille were still playing at the arcade. "OH NO! We gotta fetch Lightning!" Hope said when he looked at his watch as he and Vanille were playing G-Bike against each other.

They hopped off the bikes and went to fetch Dajh who was playing the submarine game, "Dajh, it's time to go find the birthday girl!" Vanille said, trying to get his attention.

"i'm almost done," he said, as he hurried to complete the final level, going at turbo speed dodging all the underwater mines. "ok."

The trio left the arcade together and went through two slides to arrive at Chocobo Square, they were stopped by the bouncer. "Names?"

"Hope Alexander Tiffany Stephano Estheim," Hope replied.

"You serious!?" Vanille was surprised.

"Name's not on the list, move along," the bouncer declined their entry.

"We're running out of time!" Vanille got hysterical and decided to call Lightning since they couldn't get in. She picked up at the 15th ring. "Lightning! This is an emergency, Hope is getting attacked by a man in a white hooded robe!" she said then held the phone to Hope.

"GAH GAH GOOOG GOG," Hope made gagging noises.

"And?"

"Uh…nevermind," Vanille hung up in defeat when she realized that Lightning did not care. She dialed Noctis instead and put him on speaker phone, "Heeey Noct! How you doin? How are the chocobos?"

"I'm ok, Kairi on the other hand is talking and making jokes, so I don't know if she's gone insane or just 'back to normal'," Noctis replied, not even trying to explain the situation after being shut down so many times. Vanille and Hope could hear SoKaiKu laughing and having fun in the background.

"Kewl! Well Hope and I are trying to get into the Chocobo Square but they won't let us-"

"THIS again? Look buddy this is the second time I've had to talk to you about this," Noctis said to the bouncer, assuming he was on speaker phone.

"So sorry Your Highness!" the bouncer said and let Vanille and Hope in. They instantly felt awkward amongst the fancy adults.

As they were looking for their friends they saw Sazh walk onto a stage and stand at a podium. "What's he doing!?" Hope asked.

"daddy!" Dajh said and started jumping up and down.

The spotlight focused on Sazh and he began his speech, "Greetings! I am Sir Jecht, blitzball star of Zanarkand and former guardian of the late High Summoner Braska."

"Why is he pretending to be Tidus' dad!?" Vanille said, very confused.

"daddy?"

"Zanarkand was a city of great technological advancement and great cuisine," Sazh read off his notes he took from talking to Tidus. "Oh, and nightclubs filled with hot guys, tons of them!" he added the bit that Lightning requested.

"Be sure to contact some modeling agencies for the hot guys," Garnet whispered to her right-hand woman, General Beatrix.

"Of course, Your Majesty."

Sazh continued, "Housing was free, school was free, everything was free! The only currency was blitzpoints. In order to receive goods and services you must compete for them by playing blitzball."

"WHAT!?" Lightning and Fang said as they watched, Tidus never mentioned these blitzpoints.

"But no worries, women and children receive free blitzpoints monthly!" Sazh added.

"Phew."

"My son has created this powerpoint slideshow to show you all the wonderful attractions of Zanarkand!" Sazh and pulled up the slideshow on the projector that Tidus had made for him.

A drunk man with half-shorts, half-pants entered the room, "Heeeeey what's going on!?"

"RUN!" Sazh yelled and ran off stage when he realized that the real Jecht just showed up.

"You never got to give me your present," Lightning told Laguna before leaving.

"Here!" Laguna said and wrote her a check for $100,000 then exchanged phone numbers. Lightning, Fang, Vanille, Hope, and Dajh ran away together after she finished her business.

They ran all the way back to the main terminal to catch their breaths. "Um, care to explain what was happening back there?" Vanille asked.

"Long story short, Sazh was gonna become the leader of New Zanarkand and Light was working on becoming the First Lady of Esthar," Fang explained. "How about you guys?"

"Um, there's an emergency at our hotel room, we gotta go NOW!" Hope replied.

"But you're right here Hope," Lightning said. "Oh, you mean the hooded man is in the hotel room now?"

"Um…YES!"

They went back to the hotel and towards their room. Before entering Lightning took out her gunblade and some grenades. She opened the door and got ready to attack.

"SURPRISE!" Serah, Snow, and their friends yelled and threw confetti and sparkles.

"Wait, whut?"

"Happy Birthday SIS!" Snow said and shoved her face into the birthday cake he was holding as everyone had their phones out taking pictures.

"SNOW that was NOT part of our plan!" Serah said.

"Heroes don't need plans!"

Blinded by rage and cake, Lightning started swinging punches at Snow. "Hey OWCH HEY!" Snow said, it had been so long since the last time she attacked him, he had forgotten she had the strength of a jaguar.

"Oh gosh," Serah said and separated them and gave Lightning a towel to wipe her face. "Do you like my decorations?" she tried to distract her.

There were dollar bills scattered throughout and coins glued to the wall, "Hell yeah." Then she saw NORA. "Why are Chappu, Naruto 2.0, Katy Perry, and mini Fang here?" She hated them because they were the reason why she had to send Snow to Rehab.

"To bring you their GIFTS! Sit down," Serah said and dragged Lightning to the nearest chair. Serah took the first gift from the mail pile, "This one's from Zack Fair!"

"GIMME," Lightning said and took the large box. Inside was a vase full of pink roses and a card with a poem attached, "Roses are red, violets are blue, your hair is pink, like Aeris' dress," she read it out loud. "He is _so_ sweet."

"Babe, let's give her our gift NOW, before anyone upstages us," Snow whispered to Serah.

"No not yet," Serah disagreed then took another gift. "Oooh this one's from Noctis!"

Lightning took the large rectangular box and ripped off the sparkly black wrapping paper. Inside was a huge fluffy black Chanel fur coat. "To warm your cold heart," she read the card. "Nice."

"NOW Serah, before it's too late!" Snow whispered.

"No!" Serah whispered back. She took the next gift from the mail pile, "From Auron? Is that your Sugar Daddy from Besaid?"

"Yup," Lightning replied and unwrapped the small box. It was a diamond necklace and tiara.

"WOW!" Everyone said and took pictures as she put them on.

"SERAH NOW!"

"NO!" Serah said in denial, she didn't want to face the embarrassment their gift would cause. She took the final package from the mail pile. "It's from Sora, Kairi, and Riku!" she announced. 'Sora and Kairi' were written in fancy cursive and '+ Riku' was written in crayon.

Lightning took the tiny box and opened it to find a car key and a photo of a pink mustang convertible sitting by the barn. "OH MY GOD."

"WHAT!?" Everyone said and huddled close to see the key and photo.

"We're screwed!" Serah told Snow, they were now panicking.

"We're next!" Gadot said on behalf of Nora, not caring what she thought of their gift since she hated them anyways. He handed her a cardboard box full of guns and ammunition.

"This could come in handy," Lightning said. "Wait what's this?" she picked up a business card within the clutter.

"That's my nail girl's card, you might wanna see her, I know you trying to take over the world, I want you to do it with style," Yuj said.

Dajh walked over to Lightning with the gift from Sazh. "AWWW," everyone said.

She opened the box to find night vision goggles, "Wow, how did you know I needed this?"

"Girl, you go out hiking every night, of course you need this!" Sazh said.

Vanille and Fang handed over their gift next. Lightning untied the 'Barret's Jewelers' potato sack and took out the white orb. "You got me the White Materia!?"

"Is that what it is? We just thought it looked cool," Fang said.

Hope handed Lightning his present next. She unwrapped the thin rectangular object, "Um Hope, care to explain?" It was a framed photo of Hope wearing a sailor suit.

"Well I asked my mom what she wanted for HER birthday," Hope started, "and she said she wanted a framed photo of me, so I figured you'd want one too!"

Lightning put aside the photo and held a hand open in Serah's direction. When nothing was placed in her hand she looked over at her sister, "Next?"

"Um…our present actually got lost! Hehehe, sorry," Serah said awkwardly and started sweating profusely.

Snow took Serah's hand, "Nope, our present's right here," he said and handed Lightning the potato sack.

She untied the sack and took out the pink Furby and stared at it for a while. "Um….?"

"Turn it on! We taught it a few tricks, WINK WINK," Labreau said.

Lightning did as she said and was greeted by the Furby. "Snow sucks and smells like mold," the Furby said.

"Haha, I like it!" she said.

"YAYYY!" Serah and Snow rejoiced, holding hands and jumping up and down.

Next time: The gang returns to the farm, what exactly happened?

-end-

Hope you all liked that one, please leave me a review! Thanks CustomEyes! (And thank you for Tylenol! And Zack's one of my favorite characters too!)

The next chapter starts a new story arc, see yall next time :D


	22. Chapter 22: Consequences

Chapter 22: Consequences

It was the morning after the late night birthday party, and Cid arrived with the Highwind and parked in front of the Ghost Hotel. "RISE AND SHINE MATEYS, OFF TO NEVERLAND WE GO~!" he announced through the intercom.

"Ughhhh," the gang said as they woke up and started packing. Lightning was already awake and was looking around for any dollar bills she missed. "Serah, you SURE you didn't put any in the mattresses?"

"For the last time yes!" Serah said, still half asleep. Lightning proceeded to rip open a mattress with a knife to double check.

After packing they headed outside and started boarding the airship. "Hurry it up! Shera's waiting fer me at Rocket Town with fishsticks for breakfast, I WILL NOT eat them cold!" Cid complained and volunteered to take their luggage to speed things up. When everyone was finally situated he revved up the engine and took off. "Did yall run into Barret in Corel? He still treating Marlene like an employee?"

"He treats everyone like an employee, he's practically running that town now," Lightning explained.

"That b $tard! I KNEW I should have become an investor!" Cid said, upset that he didn't get to invest in Barret's ever growing business empire when he had the chance because Shera didn't like the idea.

After a few minutes the airship flew past the chocobo farm. "Oh wait, that's our stop!" Serah said.

"THAT little dinky joint? What are you running, a POPSICLE STAND?" Cid said and flew the airship in a harsh 180 turn. "Where do I park? In that circle?" Cid asked, pointed at the chocobo corral.

"NO! In the parking lot," Lightning said, pointing at the large concrete field.

Tidus was sitting in a lawn chair in the parking lot, wearing sunglasses and drinking a can of soda. He came to work early as always to receive the rest of the employees when they finally arrived back from vacation. "OH MY GOD!" he screamed when he saw the huge airship enter the horizon, pass by the farm, make a 180 degree turn, then start descending onto the parking lot; he was expecting them to arrive in a taxi like the one they supposingly left in. He took out his traffic flags to start guiding the airship.

Cid landed the Highwind and the gang got off. He started flying off while the last person, Hope, was still in the process of descending the ladder. "AH!" he screamed and made a 20 foot jump back to the ground.

"Hey guys! How was Wutai and Golden Saucer?" Tidus greeted them.

"Where's my car!?" Lightning interrupted and started looking around for the pink Mustang.

"By the barn, but Noct has to talk to you about something first," Tidus said as Noctis showed up with Sora, Kairi, and Riku.

"You wanna hear the good news or bad news first?" Noctis gave them a choice.

"Good news!" they answered.

"We found Kairi and she's back to normal!" Sora told them.

"Huh?"

"When I was lost in the forest…I kinda found MYSELF you know? It's good to finally be back!" Kairi explained how she found her heart after being lost in the darkness for so long.

"What, why was she lost in the forest?" Snow asked. "I take the shuttle through the forest for our tours all the time, there is a clear path that I've made, you'd have to be BLIND to get lost, just follow my path!"

"Ok, the good news doesn't make sense without the bad news, so I'll explain that first," Noctis said and braced himself. "We had a little situation a few days ago. My buddies and I were recording our mixtape in the living room, and before we knew it there was water up to our ankles. I look back and Riku's running out the bathroom yelling 'It's Master Xehanort!' I go to the bathroom to see what's up and I kid you not there was a bald guy trying to escape through the window with the toilet. Gladio comes in and we beat the crap out of him. We ended up killing the guy so don't tell anyone about that. We put him in a body bag and I told Kairi to go deep into the forest and leave him somewhere. We were waiting for hours for her to come back so we went outside to look for her and the barn was on fire. We all grab buckets and start putting out the fire ourselves. Eventually Sora remembers he can cast Blizzard and freezes the barn. We waited a few hours till the ice thawed to see the damage. When we go in we find the baby chocobo pen empty and there's only 2 adult chocobos left. That's when I called Lightning and she so politely told us to take a hike. By then my crew had left back to Insomnia so Sora, Riku, and I split duties. Riku found a few baby chocobos but they died because he forgot to feed them. Sora called his plumber and took care of the flood and installed a new toilet. I took my car and drove through the forest looking for Kairi. I fell asleep at the wheel and when I woke up Kairi was in the passenger seat braiding my hair."

"OH MY GOD!" the gang and Tidus yelled.

"We finally got a new toilet!? Hallelujah!" Sazh explained and threw Dajh into the air.

"I thought you said the barn burned down, why does it look immaculate?" Lightning said, pointing to the barn that was clearly intact and had a nice new paintjob.

"Riku single-handedly rebuilt the barn," Noctis said.

"You guys owe me, BIG TIME," Riku said. He was wearing an eyepatch, crutches, a leg cast, and a life alert necklace.

"So all our baby chocobos are GONE!?" Serah said; she was in charge of the petting zoo, without the chocobo chicks she was nothing, her job was on the line.

"What are we gonna do!?" Vanille said. "We lost almost all our chocobos, how are we supposed to run this place?"

"Meeting in the living room, RIGHT NOW!" Lightning declared. The gang went inside the house and dropped off their luggage before situating themselves in the living room.

Noctis got out the large whiteboard and wrote 'Plan:' on it. "Ok, maybe we can just buy ourselves some more chocobos. Someone go online and look up how much chocobos cost."

Hope got on his laptop and went on Ebay, "An adult chocobo costs $20,000 and babies are $10,000 each."

"DEAR ODIN," Lightning said and started getting actual chest pains. "NO."

"Hey, what about the money from President Loire and the diamonds and Chanel coat? Just cash the check and sell the stuff and we're good to go!" Snow said.

"Don't tell me what to do with my gifts!" she replied. She wanted to keep the jewels and coat for the 'status' and had already cashed in the check to pay off her condo in Bodhum.

"What about the baby chocobo we gave Dajh for his birthday?" Snow asked. He and Serah literally just took the chick from the barn and put it in a box.

"Yeah, he lost it long ago," Sazh replied.

"Noct, don't you have access to Lucis' federal bank reserve? Hook us up!" Fang suggested.

"I'd rather _not_ be executed for high treason," Noctis declined. "How about you Sora, can you loan us some money with a decent interest rate?"

"I'd love to but my dad froze my credit card after I bought that Mustang. He says I'm 'getting out of hand,'" Sora said regretfully.

"What are we gonna do!?" Serah started panicking.

"I have an idea!" Tidus said as he rose his hand, sitting at his usual seat by the trashcan. "Let's have a yard sale! We can get rid of some old junk and make some money. Heck, we can even sell some of the stuff in this house that Chocobo Bill left behind. Like this," Tidus picked up the walking cane that had been in the corner of the living room ever since they moved in.

"That sounds like a good plan, I have some stuff I can get rid of too," Noctis agreed and wrote 'yard sale' on the board. "Does everyone agree?"

"Yes!"

Snow dialed Judge Yuffie to tell her the news, "Judge Yuffie! How are you? SUGOI! Guess what, our farm burned down- yes we're ok but the chocobos aren't. We're having a yard sale to raise some money, could you please talk about it on today's episode of 'Judge Yuffie'? Fantastic! Arigato! REALLY? You are amazing, THANKS!" Snow hung up the phone, "Judge Yuffie's gonna advertise for us AND she's sending her crew here to provide free catering!" he told everyone.

"It is sushi again? Please don't let it be sushi again," Sazh said; Dajh had somehow gotten rabies after eating sushi at Snow and Serah's wedding party.

Everyone agreed to the plan and left the farm to go to their homes and bring back the items for the yard sale. They all arrived the next morning with their goods. Noctis drove in with his cool car stuffed with things and passed by Tidus who was setting up shop in the middle of the parking lot. He rolled down the window, "Tidus what are you doing, you're a safety hazard."

"Lightning said it's still my job to control the traffic, so I'm setting my stuff up in the parking lot!" Tidus replied as he set down pottery and tapestries on a rug.

Sora, Kairi, and Riku also drove into the parking lot with Sora's Lamborghini stuffed with goods. They parked at the employee parking lot next to Noctis and disembarked. They started unloading their stuff.

Noctis noticed that Sora and Kairi were unloading a fridge and table, "What are you guys selling?"

"I'm selling my homemade chicken pot pies and chocolate milk!" Kairi answered and showed him the sign they made that said "Kairi's Kitchen" with her face on it.

"She spent all night cooking, you should buy one. They're AMAZING!" Sora said. He loved anything Kairi made to eat.

"Don't you realize that we have free catering from Judge Yuffie?" Noctis reminded them.

"That's what I said!" Riku said. He had to spend the entire night chopping carrots against his will.

Lightning and Hope walked by to put up the Yard Sale sign by the entrance. "Set up your stuff in the chocobo corral and sign in with Serah," she told them. When she and Hope decided on a spot for the sign Hope placed his sign carefully. It said 'Yard Sard.'

"Are you SERIOUS? Hope, you had ONE JOB!" Lightning got mad.

"I'm sorry!"

Serah and Snow were setting up their stuff when Noctis and the KH kids came by. "We're supposed to sign up with you?" Noctis asked.

"Yes! What you got?" Serah asked and got her clipboard ready.

"We're selling chicken pot pies and chocolate milk, courtesy of Kairi," Sora said. He had appointed himself as Kairi's PR agent.

"But we have free catering! Good luck," Serah said and signed them in. "Noctis how about you?"

"I have some old clothes and shoes, mostly designer stuff like Saint Laurent and Rick Owens," he answered.

"You got anything in Extra Extra Large?" Snow asked from behind Serah, setting out some skate boards and beanies.

"WOW! That's impressive. I mean Vanille and Fang just brought seashells and rocks and Sazh brought some of Dajh's old toys," Serah said and signed him in. "Set up wherever you'd like!"

Lightning and Hope came back with some of Hope's stuff and started setting up. Nora only let Hope participate in the yard sale if Lightning agreed to handle all the money "Did your mom tell you how much to price her stuff?"

"She said to rate the prettyness of the item on a scale of 1 to 10 then add a zero," Hope explained. His mom gave him some old decorations and lawn ornaments. After setting up Lightning put on her new diamond necklace and tiara and fur coat and brought out a lawn chair to sit down at Hope's station.

Serah was walking by to check up on everyone when she passed by and saw Lightning looking like a rich housewife, "Sis, I know you're Hope's mom today, but where's your stuff?"

"What stuff? I don't have stuff, I hate stuff," she lied.

"Liar! You're the materialistic one," Serah said. Lightning gave in and went inside the house and brought out the Furby and White Materia to put on display.

It was then 9 o'clock and the visitors started arriving to the parking lot. Since Tidus was stationed there he started getting a lot of people coming to him first. "Welcome! I'm selling tapestries from the isle of Besaid and pottery from Zanarkand!"

"You mean the ancient city of Zanarkand that was destroyed 1,000 years ago!?" the visitors asked.

"Yeah!" he said. Before he knew it people started fighting each other over who gets the pottery. "WOAH WOAH! I know this stuff is rare, so how about we have an auction?" he proposed. The visitors agreed and Tidus started auctioning off his goods one by one to the highest bidder.

Just then some people arrived on motorcycles. It was Zack, Aeris, Cloud, and Tifa! They passed by Tidus' busy station and proceeded to Vanille and Fang's station. "Heya! Welcome, feel free to browse our wares," Fang greeted them.

"Cloud, you like rocks. Choose some rocks and I'll buy them for you," Tifa insisted. She knew he did not like rocks; they reminded him of Mt. Nibel, where Tifa almost died and he got blamed for it. She wanted him to get over that part of his past.

As Cloud looked through the rocks, Zack and Aeris looked through the seashells. "Aeris, this one's beautiful, it would look great as a soap holder!" Zack said about a pink seashell. "How much for this one?"

"That one's not for sale," Vanille replied.

"Ok, how about this one?" Aeris pointed to conch shell.

"No, not that one either," Vanille replied.

"?"

Tifa purchased the rocks for Cloud then they moved onto the next station. "Hey!" Sazh greeted them. "I bet Barret doesn't sell kids' toys huh?" he said as Dajh was weeping quietly, upset that he was losing his toys.

"Oh yes he does!" Aeris said. "You'd be surprised, he even sells us Zack's medications for a fraction of the pharmacy's price. We have no clue how he does it."

"Hey Cloud look at this!" Zack said as he picked up a teddy bear with spiky blonde hair. "Looks like you!"

"Yes Cloud, it's cute, blonde, and cuddly just like you!" Tifa encouraged him.

"Y-yeah…it is…" Cloud said and hugged the bear. He was finally starting to accept himself for who he really was, not what Sephiroth said he was.

Tifa purchased the bear for Cloud and they moved onto Serah and Snow's station. "Hey guys!" Serah greeted them. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Are you kidding me? We are ADDICTED to deals and discounts," Zack said. "How much for the skateboard?" he pointed at one of Snow's several skateboards he had on display.

"$100," Snow answered firmly.

"How about $20?"

"Are you SERIOUS?" Snow got angry. "I took Serah to prom on that skateboard."

"How about the ugly one?" Cloud pointed to a skateboard with stickers and graffiti all over it.

"We went on our first date on that one!"

"No honey, he means the price," Serah said.

"Ohhhh...$200!" Snow said.

"Is that a curling iron?" Aeris noticed the pile of hair accessories Serah had laid out.

"Yup, $5!" Serah said. Aeris bought the item and they moved onto the next station which belonged to Noctis. He had clothing racks and shoe stands full of black stuff.

"Hey! You're the security guard that hand-cuffed me and Aeris that one time right?" Zack greeted him.

"Yeah, sorry about that, that was Snow's fault. I'm still trying to convince Lightning to fire him but she won't let him get away without paying her back for rehab first," Noctis said. "Anyways feel free to try stuff on."

Cloud was trying on a pair of shoes, "What do you think Tifa?"

"They look great!" she replied. "How much?" she asked Noctis.

"$20."

"Wait, are these Louboutin!?" she said after noticing the red soles. "They're worth at least a thousand dollars!"

"Yeah but I don't need them, you can have them for $20."

Tifa and Cloud bought the entire rack of shoes. Zack and Aeris were looking at the racks of clothes and trying to choose an outfit among the designer items. "Babe, do you think this jacket matches these pants?"

"Everything's black, of course it matches!" Aeris said. "Prince Noctis, how much for that jacket and pair of pants?"

"$5 for each, but $8 for both. If you want I'll sell you everything for $50," Noctis offered.

"Oh my God, DEAL!" Zack said and paid for all the Saint Laurent and Rick Owen clothing. THIS is what he came here for, THESE were the deals and discounts that gave him the thrill not even Mako could compare to.

After having fun at Noctis' station, Zack, Aeris, Cloud and Tifa went to Lightning and Hope's station where another a visitor was trying to purchase a lamp.

"How much?" the visitor asked.

"Uhhh…$10?" Hope replied.

"No, it's $80," Lightning corrected him.

"Screw that!"

"Screw YOU!"

After the man walked away, Lightning and Hope noticed the new visitors. "OHMYGODZACKFAIR!"

"Hey! Nice to see you again! Did you get my flowers?" Zack greeted them. "Nice coat and tiara!"

"Thanks, yes I did thank you very much," Lightning replied. "Hope, say something."

"Uh…uh…um, what do you call an alligator in a vest?" Hope said.

"HOPE, NO!"

"An investigator!"

"HAHA good one buddy! Did my people ever call your people about that opening act deal?" Zack said.

"Careful Zack, they're trying to distract you so they can kidnap you again," Aeris advised him. After that kidnapping attempt she did not trust Lightning or Hope one bit.

Cloud and Tifa were browsing through the wares when they spotted something that caught their eyes. "Aeris, is that what I think it is!?" Tifa said, pointed at the white orb on display.

"What, the White Materia?" Lightning asked.

"Oh my God!" Aeris said and started getting emotional. "How much do you want!? We've been looking everywhere for it!"

"One hundred dollars," Lightning said, knowing that Fang and Vanille bought it for half that price from Barret's business.

"How about ninety?" Zack offered politely.

"One thousand dollars," Lightning countered.

"Ninety five?"

"ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS."

"Light, stop! We haven't sold ANYTHING, just sell it for the $95!" Hope begged.

"Ugh fine," Lightning gave in and sold them the White Materia.

"Thank you, you don't know how important this is to us!" Aeris said.

"Yeah yeah."

"Cloud, is there something you're interested in?" Tifa asked when she noticed Cloud just standing there, staring at something, not even blinking. He pointed at the pink Furby; it reminded him of Aeris, which reminded him of Zack, who was his best friend. "How much for the uh, owl thing?"

"Two hundred."

"No Light!" Hope protested. "Ten dollars."

"Deal!" Tifa said and purchased the Furby. Cloud took it, hugged it, and started crying a little. They moved on to the last station which was Kairi's Kitchen. There was a mob of people surrounding the table and there was a line to take pictures with Kairi.

"What is this?" Tifa asked to no one in particular.

"Glad you asked!" Sora showed up out of nowhere, wearing a business suit. "Zo my gosh, it's Zack Fair! I'm a huge fan!"

"Always's happy to meet a fan!"

"Welcome to Kairi's Kitchen, where your taste buds think they've died and gone to heaven!" Sora started his pitch and handed them his business card. "1% of the profits go towards chocobo rescue efforts. We are an equal opportunity employer and do not discriminate against the elderly or disabled," Sora said and pointed at Riku, who was acting as cashier and handling all the transactions. "After you buy a pie be sure to get in line to get a picture with the woman herself! Use the hashtag #KairisKitchen to spread the word!" Sora said then moved onto the next group of onlookers.

"Cool!" they said and got in line to buy some food.

"How many pies?" Riku asked when they reached the front of the line.

"Four por favor!" Zack answered and started getting out his wallet.

"That will be $100," Riku said and started packaging their food.

"Woah buddy, you serious!?" Zack said, astounded.

"Our pies are homemade and blessed by Princess Kairi herself and come with a free glass of chocolate milk," Riku recited what Sora told him to say. He took the money and gave them their food.

They sat down on the ground to eat their lunch. "This is AMAZING!" they agreed and got in line to take a photo with Kairi afterwards.

At the end of the day when the yard sale was over, the gang went into the living room to discuss their sales. Noctis got out the whiteboard again to mediate. "Tidus, how much did you earn?" he asked Tidus first.

"You guys won't believe it! So many people wanted my Zanarki pottery that I had to hold an auction, I made ten thousand dollars!" Tidus announced.

"Wow!" they said and gave Tidus a standing ovation.

"Great, that's one baby chocobo or half an adult," Noctis said and wrote Tidus' figure on the board. "Fang, Vanille, how about you?"

"We only made $30, because VANILLE refused to let go of her seashells!" Fang said.

"What part of 'not for sale' don't you understand!?" Vanille replied.

Noctis added the $30 to the total, "Sazh, how much you got?"

"$50 and a few liters of Dajh's tears," Sazh replied.

Noctis added to the total, "Serah, Snow?"

"One hundred!" Serah said. After convincing Snow to cut his prices by 90% they were able to sell all his skateboards and beanies.

"Ok, boss how about you?" Noctis asked after adding to the total.

"$105," Lightning said. "It would have been more if Hope hadn't butted in."

"It would have been NOTHING if I hadn't butted in!" Hope protested.

"And I got $200," Noctis said and added up all the numbers on the whiteboard. "That puts us at $10, 485. How much are you giving us Sora?"

Sora, Riku, and Kairi were sitting at the kitchen table counting their money and figuring out the finances. Sora stood up with his clipboard, "We made $20,000 at Kairi's Kitchen today. With your 1% royalty we will be giving you $200."

"What? What's the meaning of this? What 1% royalty?" Lightning asked and stood up from her seat.

"While you were busy putting up the yard sale sign with Hope, Sora had me sign the contract between our farm and Kairi's Kitchen," Serah explained. "We're receiving a 1% royalty for any sales conducted on our property."

"No way," Lightning said. "Sora, let me speak with your lawyer."

"You're LOOKING at him!" Sora replied.

"Sis, it's ok. He also gave us shares for the company. Over time we'll be receiving even more money from Kairi's Kitchen," Serah said. "Besides, Noctis already got the contract notarized."

"Yup," Noctis said. "So do we want to buy a baby chocobo or try something else to get enough money for an adult male to mate with our 2 females?"

Just then Tidus' cellphone started ringing. "Sorry, that's Yuna. I gotta take this call," he said and picked up the phone. "What's up? Yeah I picked up the dress from the dry cleaners. Great, see you tonight!" he hung up.

"What's that all about? Is Yuna marrying another man?" Snow teased.

"NO! Yuna's competing at the Miss Luca pageant tomorrow. Noct already agreed to give me the day off," Tidus explained.

"Miss Luca Pageant?" Lightning asked. "What's the prize for first place?"

"First place gets a modeling contract and second place gets ten thousand dollars!" Tidus replied. After becoming High Summoner and saving Spira, Yuna wanted nothing more than to become the next Kim Kardashian.

"Serah, you're going to enter that pageant and win second place," Lightning decided.

"What!? No, don't you remember last time I was in a beauty pageant? I got slaughtered!" Serah said. She competed in Miss Cocoon the year before but didn't stand a chance against the tall rich girls and their haute couture dresses.

"I think you can do it!" Vanille said. "You can use Lightning's diamond jewelry and Hope's mom can do your hair, and Noctis can borrow one of his fiance's dresses for you!"

"How did you know I'm engaged?" Noctis asked; he tried to keep his personal life as secretive as possible.

"I know EVERYTHING," Vanille replied. She knew of his fiance, his eyes that see the light, and his cruel destiny.

"Perfect! Serah, you can DO THIS! I believe in you, we all do!" Snow gave his encouragement. "Now take some laxatives and don't each anything until after the pageant."

"Pack your bags, we're leaving tonight. Miss Luca 2015 here we COME," Lightning declared.

Next time: Will Serah stand a chance against the FF babes at the Miss Luca 2015 Pageant?

-end-

The inspiration for this chapter came from an episode of The Office! And the beauty pageant idea is from Parks and Recreation. Thank you Permanent and CustomEyes for reviewing! See you all next time!


	23. Chapter 23: Beauty Pageant

Chapter 23: Beauty Pageant

On the morning of the beauty pageant Lightning and Sora decided to drive everyone in their cars. Serah, Hope, and Fang were chosen to sit in Lightning's car and Snow, Sazh, Dajh, and Vanille were in Sora's car.

Lightning drove her new pink convertible (courtesy of Sora) on the highway with Sora following behind. Fang's cellphone started ringing. "It's Vanille! What is it dear?" she picked up the phone.

"No talking!" Lightning yelled. She had already told them her car rules: no talking, no laughing, no pit stops, no pointing out cute animals on the side of the road. Fang obeyed and hung up on Vanille.

"Um, sis, can we turn on some music or something?" Serah asked, she wasn't used to being in quiet environments, in fact she was used to asking Snow to stop yelling 'SERAHHHHH!' all the time.

Lightning turned on the CD player and the music started playing; it was Zack Fair's debut death metal album.

'_We're not monsters, you hear me? We're SOLDIER!_

_If people had wings... They'd be MONSTERS_

_No! You're not the Sephiroth I once knew!_

_What happened to dreams and honor?_

_Dammit, you're not the only Hero!_

_The price of freedom is steep…'_

"Yeah!" Hope started head banging silently in enjoyment; Zack Fair's debut album was his FAVORITE. 'I wonder how the others are doing in Sora's car,' Hope thought and looked back to see it, but couldn't see much since the hood was up.

Inside Sora's car they were having a PARTY. They had Iggy Azalea's 'Fancy' playing on full blast and were singing along together. "WHO DAT WHO DAT? S-O-R-A!"

"I'm so fancay!" Sora sang with both his hands in the air and not on the steering wheel where they were supposed to be.

Snow was in the passenger seat and Sazh, Dajh, and Vanille were in the back seats having a water gun fight. "WEEEEE!"

"Pass me a water gun too!" Sora asked. Vanille handed him one from a storage compartment and he joined in on the fun.

Lightning glanced at the rear view mirror and saw Sora's car swerving chaotically, but didn't give it a second thought. After another hour of driving they finally reached the city of Luca.

"Wow!" Hope said when he saw all the cool posters and colorful flags as they illegally drove through the streets.

"Look, there's Tidus!" Fang pointed to a large poster of the Besaid Auroch's upcoming match against the Luca Goers.

"Who?" Lightning asked. She parked her car by the stadium and Sora's car soon followed. The instant Sora came to a stop his car doors opened and Snow, Sazh, Dajh, and Vanille ran out for their lives.

"What happened?" Serah asked Snow after she disembarked; he and the others looked terrified, like they've just seen a ghost.

"It was all fun and games until Sora joined in," Snow said and started having PTSD flashbacks of Sora's reckless driving. They did not see a ghost, they faced death itself, and its name was Sora.

Snow, Fang, Vanille, Sazh, and Dajh made their way to the stadium entrance to take their seats as audience members. Lightning, Serah, and Hope made their way to the sign-up tables by the locker rooms.

"Name, age, and sponsor?" the attendant asked at the sign-in desk.

"Serah Farron, 19, Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm," Serah said. They handed her a paper to fill out things such as hobbies, education, and interesting facts to be broadcasted as she entered the stage. They then entered the locker rooms to start getting ready.

Tidus and Yuna were already there at a station getting ready, "Hey guys!" Tidus greeted them as he himself was doing Yuna's hair in a 60's bouffant style. "Hello!" Yuna greeted them also.

"Don't talk to them Serah, they're the enemy. They'll try to get into your head and mess you up," Lightning warned Serah.

"This is TIDUS you're talking about, I don't think he can mess anyone up even if he tried!" Serah said; Yuna wasn't even their competition as she was aiming for 1st place unlike Serah. Serah sat down at the station next to Yuna's and unloaded her makeup boxes.

"My mom just texted me, she said she's almost here," Hope said. His mom agreed to be their hair stylist.

"Where on earth is Noctis?" Lightning said and dialed him on her cellphone; he was supposed to bring Serah's dress. "Noct where you at?"

She could hear police sirens and gunshots in the background. "We're almost there. Faster Ignis!" Noctis said.

"Yes Your Highness!" Ignis said and slammed on the gas pedal. Gladiolus and Prompto were in the back seat shooting at the police who were chasing them.

Just then Nora arrived and Lightning hung up the phone. "Hi Nora. Thanks for agreeing to do Serah's hair," she greeted her.

"What?" Nora said and turned to Hope. "Hope, you said I was doing YOUR hair."

"You wouldn't have come if I said it was for Serah!" Hope said.

"Nora, you REALLY thought Hope was entering the Miss Luca pageant?" Lightning asked, astounded.

"Don't judge me Claire," Nora replied and started working on Serah's hair reluctantly. "What do you use? L'oreal? Garnier?" she commented on Serah's hair color.

"Uh, strawberries?" Serah made up an excuse.

As Nora worked on Serah's hair, Lightning pulled Hope aside for a secret mission. "Hope, I need you to go around the room and spy on the other contestants. I need to know names, special talents, their acceptance speeches, credit card numbers, everything.

"Sure!" Hope agreed and got to work, spying on Yuna first.

Lightning turned on the TV at the corner of the room to get a glimpse as the pre-pageant news coverage. "BREAKING NEWS on Shinra7 right now," the TV announcer said. "You are looking at a very high speed pursuit. Let's go right up to Reno who's flying overhead on Sky7. Reno?"

"Elena, 120 miles an hour here on the 91 freeway just passing the 605. These guys have been coming out of the Tenebrae area and they have been moving at 120 miles an hour towards the city of Luca. The police are on pursuit of this vehicle. The suspects inside are believed to be Prince Noctis of the Kingdom of Lucis and his friends who have allegedly stolen something from his fiance, Lady Lunafreya of Tenebrae. This pursuit has been going on for over an hour now and doesn't look like they will be surrendering any time soon. Elena back to you," Reno said from inside of a helicopter.

"Dear Odin," Lightning said as she watched the helicopter footage of the Regalia speeding through the freeway, exiting onto a city street, going the wrong way on a one-way road and dodging pedestrians.

"Now back to JUDGE YUFFIE," the TV announcer said and continued the re-run of last week's episode: Cecil VS. Golbez.

As Nora was finishing up the one-sided curly updo, Serah's phone started ringing, it was Snow. "Snowey bear!"

"Serah you will NOT believe it, Judge Yuffie is one of the judges for the show! I told her that we were aiming for 2nd place and she said she'll try her best to manipulate the other judges. You were right, these shows ARE rigged!" Snow said from his seat inside the stadium.

"Awesome!" Serah said. After talking to Snow she proceeded to practice her smiling and waving.

A few minutes later, Noctis ran into the locker room with the dress for Serah inside of a garment bag. "Sorry I'm late. We had to steal this from my fiancé and she called the cops on us," Noctis told them and unveiled the gown.

"WOW!" Serah and Lightning said upon seeing the dress. It was a black velvet gown with huge colorful butterfly wings on the back.

"It's Thierry Mugler Haute Couture 1997, it's priceless so don't get any stains on it because Luna will kill me," he said and laid the dress on a nearby chair. "My friends and I will be sitting inside the stadium and cheering," he said and ran off before the cops could find him. (Google Thierry Mugler butterfly dress if you want to see it.)

As Serah changed into butterfly gown, Hope came back to report his findings. "Light, it's not looking too good.

"Why?"

"Tifa Lockhart is competing!" Hope answered. "She said she's just doing it to 'assassinate Rufus Shinra,' whatever that means."

"DAMMIT! We better pray to Bhunivelze that she gets cut before the swimsuit competition, or else we're done for," Lightning said. "Who else?"

"Well there's Yuna of course, but she's aiming for 1st place so I wouldn't worry about her. There's a girl named Rinoa Heartilly and she's planning to do dog tricks for the talent competition. And a girl named Cindy, she's super down to earth and her booty game is REALLY strong," Hope reported his findings.

Lightning put her hands on Hope's shoulders and looked him in the eye, "Hope, I need you to do something very important. I need you to sabotage the other contestants, except for Yuna. Poison them, steal their shoes, destroy their gowns, anything."

"Got it," Hope said with determination and took a sharpie and a tub of peanut butter.

Inside the stadium, the gang, Sora, and Dope Cent were sitting together waiting for the show to start. They had made posters to cheer for Serah.

Fang's poster said 'SLAY!'

Vanille's poster said 'U go gurl!'

Sazh's poster said 'Vote Serah for SECOND place!'

Snow made several large cut-outs of Serah's face on a stick.

Sora's sign said, 'Hi Kairi!' since Kairi and Riku would be watching the live broadcast.

Dope Cent had signs that said 'Go Cindy!'

Snow saw their signs and got angry. "You TRAITORS!" He got up from his seat to go over to them, destroyed their signs with his teeth, and handed them each a Serah-on-a-stick.

The fancy lights turned on and the show began. Rufus Shinra took the stage as the crowd roared in excitement. "WELCOME to the 10th annual Miss Luca Beauty Pageant! HeY HEY HEYYY!" he screamed as Avalanche threw grenades at him from their seats in the audience.

"Cloud, you gotta aim for his eyeballs, he can't run if he CAN'T SEE!" Barret advised Cloud as they tried to assassinate Rufus Shinra.

"Let's introduce our judges," Rufus said as he walked to the other side of the stage where Avalanche couldn't reach him. "Uncensored and unsupervised, Miss Wutai 1997, Judge Yuffie!"

"YEAHHHHHH!" the crowed greeted Judge Yuffie as she stood from her seat at the judges' table, did a backflip, and started break dancing.

"Looks like a cinnamon roll, but could actually kill you, Queen Garnet til Alexandros!"

"WOOHOO!" the crowd said as she gave them a pageant wave.

"He has the cardiovascular system of a Mako Reactor and a heart of gold, Zack Fair!"

"AHHHHHHHH!" the crowd screamed. Zack stood on top of the judges' table and slammed an electric guitar into smithereens. He proceeded to throw guitar picks to the audience.

"He wants to become one with Sin and save Spira, Seymour Guadoooooo."

"BOOOOOO! BOO!" The crowd booed Seymour and threw tomatoes at him.

"Hey! I just got my hair and nails done!" Seymour said as he tried to dodge the vegetables.

Backstage, Serah was panicking whilst she was in line for the opening segment. In less than a minute she was going to be on stage in front of thousands of people with the fate of the chocobo farm on her shoulders.

Lightning came over to the 'contestant-only' restricted area by the stage to make some last minute adjustments and lend Serah her diamond jewelry and give advice. "The right side of your face is your bad side so don't show it. Your armpits aren't as nice as mine so don't lift your arms. Don't smile too much, you'll seem too eager and your wrinkles will show. You're really short so stand up straight. Sway your hips when you walk so they don't look so narrow. Are you wearing your padded bra?"

"Yes! Gosh, I think you're the one that should be competing, not me!" Serah said; if Lightning were competing she'd easily win the judge's hearts with the art of seduction.

"Now let's meet our contestants!" Rufus said on the stage. All the girls walked gracefully onto stage and started performing the opening freestyle dance routine to Ke$ha's 'Tik Tok.'

"Woohoo! Serah!" The gang cheered from their seats as Serah danced like an awkward white girl.

Snow was watching through a pair of binoculars and saw a small bulge on Serah's stomach. "DANG IT! I told her not to eat anything!"

"She didn't," Fang said. "In the car her stomach started rumbling and Light told her to shut up."

"Pics or it didn't happen!" Snow answered. Fang showed him a photo on her cellphone of Serah crying from hunger. "Oh my."

"Vanille, did they used to have beauty pageants in Oerba?" Sazh asked.

"The closest thing we had were 'girlfriends and wife walks'. Girls would dress up nice and walk around in a big circle holding hands until a guy would take us out of the circle!" Vanille explained the simple laws of Oerba.

"That sounds great! Sign me up!" Sazh said, it's about time Dajh had a mommy, he was a Cocoon test tube baby.

"It sucks! In Oerba girls outnumbered boys 3:1 cuz boys always died while out hunting. I was walking for days till Fang dragged me out and convinced me to become a l'Cie with her!"

A cameraman panned a live camera over their section in the audience. Sora waved his 'HI KAIRI!' poster frantically. "S***!" Dope Cent said and quickly put on ski masks so they wouldn't get recognized by the cops.

The music ended and the contestants exited the stage. The judges scored the contestants to select the top 5 for the semi-finals.

'Everyone is AMAZING!' Zack thought and gave everyone a 10/10.

'Not impressed,' Garnet thought, and gave everyone a 0/0.

'Gawd, none of these girls got game! Hehehe, well not everyone is lucky enough to be ME!' Yuffie thought and made sure to give Serah the second highest score.

'Lady Yuna is truly a butterfly among this herd of spider rats,' Seymour thought and gave Yuna the highest score.

"The results are IN," Rufus Shinra announced. "The 5 semifinalists moving onto the swimsuit competition are…TIFA, YUNA, CINDY, RINOA, and…."

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!"

"SERAH!"

"YEAHHHH!" the gang cheered from the audience.

The eliminated contestants were kicked out from the locker room, leaving only the semi-finalists to get ready for the swim suit portion. "Hope, give me a status update," Lightning said.

"Good news, I ripped up a lot of swimsuits. Bad news, none of them belong to the semi-finalists. And my mom saw what I was doing and took away the scissors because 'it's not something Jesus would do,'" Hope said.

"I don't think Jesus would be at a beauty pageant in the first place," Lightning said. She turned around to see Serah in her swimsuit. "God dammit Serah, would it kill you to do some squats?"

"I'm not YOU! Hey, if I'm so inadequate then YOU go on stage in a string bikini and a thong up your ass!" Serah finally cracked. Lightning changed into a bikini and got in line to go on stage. "Ohmygod."

"God dammit," Lightning said when she realized she was right behind Tifa in line.

"Our next contestant is Tifa Lockhart!" Rufus announced when she got onstage. "167 centimeters tall, hobbies include kickboxing, mixed martial arts, and…hating Shinra?"

"NOW!" Tifa yelled. She put Rufus in a headlock with a knife at his throat. Cloud and Barret jumped onto stage, tied up Rufus with rope, and escaped up a ladder from the Highwind flying over the stadium with their hostage.

Reeve took the stage as they had planned, "The show must go on!" he said and became the new MC. "Next is Serah Farron, 164 centimeters. Hobbies include party planning, baby sitting, cooking, and raising chocobos."

"HOT DAMN when did Serah start doing squats? Her booty did NOT look like that last night!" Snow commented when Lightning went on stage.

"You serious? You can't tell the difference between your wife and her significantly taller, better looking sister?" Fang said amused.

"I-I-I didn't know! Really!" Snow's face started to turn beet-red.

"I'm telling Serah! Teeheeheeeeeee!" Vanille said.

"Screw 2nd place, Light should be competing for that modeling contract!" Sazh said, realizing that she had the potential to become a world-famous supermodel.

The judges did their judging and entered the scores. Reeve received the results in an envelope. "Our finalists moving onto the Q&amp;A are…. YUNA, SERAH, and RINOA."

"Yeahhhh!" Hope and Serah screamed like pre-teen girls and jumped up and down together backstage.

"YOU'RE WELCOME," Lightning said when she got backstage to change back to her street clothes.

"Admit it, you just wanted Zack Fair to see you in that bikini!" Serah said.

"Maybe…"

"Serah are you ready for the Q&amp;A? Do you want to practice with me? Let's try it. Is Noel Kreiss a subpar deuteragonist and why?" Hope started quizzing her.

"Yes, he is inconsistent and unnecessary."

"Serah, you're up. Go!" Lightning said when Yuna and Rinoa started lining up, back in their evening gowns.

"Wish me luck!"

The three finalists all went on stage. "Our finalists will draw a card from this bowl. On that card will be the name of a judge who will have the honor of asking your question," Reeve announced.

Yuna went first; she drew Seymour's card. '_Oh no_.'

"Excellent!" Seymour said then got down to business. "Lady Yuna, now that you've destroyed Sin, what you really destroyed was our chance for peace. Don't you see...if all life were to end in Spira, all suffering would end. Don't you see? Do you not agree?"

Yuna stood up tall and confident. "Now, Sin is finally dead. Now, Spira is ours again. Working together, now we can make new homes for ourselves, and new dreams. Although I know the journey will be hard, we have lots of time. Together, we will rebuild Spira!"

The crowd roared in applause. "Outsmarted again!" Seymour said with defeat.

Serah was next and picked a card from the bowl; it was Yuffie. 'Great! Hopefully she'll go easy on me.'

Judge Yuffie pulled the mic close to be heard loud and clear. "Ok, you've been seeing this guy for years now. I'm talking at LEAST 5 days a week. He goes with you to the GROCERY store for pete's sake! Yes or no, is he your boyfriend?"

Serah thought before answering. "Yes."

"I told you Vinnie! You little BITCH, you're MINE!" Judge Yuffie said, knowing that he was at home watching the broadcast.

Rinoa was next. 'Please let it be Zack please let it be Zack DAMMIT!' she thought when she pulled Garnet's card.

"Miss Heartilly," Garnet started, "What would you say makes a good female protagonist and did you do these things?"

"Uh, well, she should be pretty and uhhhh have a heart of gold! And…be brave and smart and levelheaded. She should also not be in a coma for any period of time during the game. Ok I see what you're trying to do, I am not a good female protagonist," Rinoa answered.

"I admire you're honesty," Garnet said and gave her a clap.

"Now our judges will go into the deliberation room and decide WHO will be America's Next Top Model! Oops, sorry I mean Miss Luca 2015," Reeve announced.

The judges stood from their seats and went into a secret room to deliberate. Zack sat down onto a chair and shook his head in disbelief, "How are we supposed to do this? Everyone is AMAZING! Ten outta ten!"

"You fool, Lady Yuna deserves the crown. Any woman who outsmarts me has my vote, even if she IS my enemy," Seymour said.

"YES!" Judge Yuffie said. "Let's take a vote, Yuna for first place yay or no way?"

"I agree, Lady Yuna has proven her worth as a female protagonist. She deserves the crown," Garnet agreed.

Zack started getting teary eyed. "I can't do this! It's not my place as a man to say a woman is better or prettier than the woman next to her!"

"Shut up Zack, just raise your sweaty hand!" Yuffie said. Zack obeyed reluctantly. "Great! Now for second place, I think Serah deserves it."

"Am I the only one who noticed that she got significantly shorter after the swimsuit competition?" Seymour asked.

"I think Rinoa should be runner up," Garnet said. "She has a lot of work to do but she knows her faults and I think she has a lot of potential."

'CRAPPLES!' Yuffie thought. "Let's be real, would anyone really care about Rinoa if she didn't have that dog around?" Yuffie made up an excuse to eliminate her.

"You are right, she is nothing without the canine," Seymour agreed.

"What is Serah without the Transformer moogle?" Garnet brought up a good point.

"Garnet-chan, did you know that Serah runs a chocobo farm with her sister? That girl's a business woman! If that's not a good female character then I dunno whut is," Yuffie said.

"Wow! She's greater than I thought. I vote Miss Farron for second place," Garnet finally agreed.

"Zack if you don't raise your sweaty hand for Serah say goodbye to waking up in the morning ALIVE," Yuffie threatened him. Zack obeyed with tears in his eyes and the judges left the room.

Reeve received the envelope with the results. "First runner up for Miss Luca 2015, who is getting a 10,000 gil cash prize is….Serah Farron!"

"YESSSS! YESSSS!" The gang rejoiced. "WE'RE SAVED!"

Serah took the crown and money and ran off stage. "Light's waiting in the car!" Hope said and ran away with Serah before the judges could change their mind.

"First place, Miss Luca 2015, who will be receiving a modeling contract and 100,000 gil is…Lady Yuna!"

"100,000 gil? Tidus didn't mention that part," Noctis said. He turned to talk to Snow in the seat next to him, but they were already gone.

They were outside running to grab a spot in Lightning's car. "NOOO WAIT!" Vanille yelled as Lightning already started driving away. "DON'T LEAVE US WITH SORA!" Statistically they shouldn't have survived the first car ride with Sora, there was no way they would survive again.

"You guys are so mean!" Sora said. "I may not be the best driver but my dad paid way too much for my car to be unappreciated like this!"

Next time: The farm opens for business again, who is this special guest who has come from far, far away?

-end-

As you've all probably noticed, I HAVE A COVER ART NOW! My sister drew it and it came out amazing!

PS. I don't hate Noel or Rinoa! Noel's kinda weird though, I think they messed up with his writing. All he ended up saying was 'artefact this' and 'artefact that.'

Please review! Thank you permanent and CustomEyes, you guys rock! :D

See you all next time :)


	24. Chapter 24: Special Guest

Chapter 24: Special Guest

Lightning, Serah, Hope, Noctis, and Tidus were sitting in the living room waiting for over an hour now for the rest of the gang to come back. "I'll try calling Vanille," Hope said and dialed her number.

She picked up immediately. "HOPE! We're almost there, Sora's not driving anymore so we're ok!"

_Flashback_

"_Sora you're on the wrong side of the road!" Fang yelled at him from the backseat._

"_Screw the rules, I have Munny!" Sora said and drove into someone's front yard. "Oops," he said, put the car in reverse, knocked over someone else's mail box, then finally got back on the road._

_Snow dialed his grandmother. "Meemaw, I think this is the end, I'll tell Peepaw you say hi when I see him in Heaven!"_

"_Oooh, let's take this shortcut!" Sora said and drove off-road into an area with a sign that said 'Area 51 Restricted Area No Trespassing Beyond This Point.'_

_Sazh took out his gun and pointed it at Sora's head. "Boy, you're either gonna stop this car right now or you're gonna stop breathing!"_

"_Shoot me! I DARE you," Sora said._

"_DON'T YOU EVEN!"_

"_Uh, fine then! I'm only doing this cuz my dad will KILL ME if I wreck this car," Sora said and finally pulled over._

_Immediately Sazh, Fang, Snow, and Vanille used all the belts they had on them to tie Sora up. "Um, do I really need a belt around my neck?" he asked._

"_Says the boy who wears a belt over a onepiece jumpsuit," Vanille said and buckled the neck belt extra tight._

_End Flashback_

In a matter of minutes Sora's car finally drove into the employee parking lot with Sazh at the wheel. Sora was unloaded, unbuckled, and set free. "You'll be hearing from my lawyer!" Sora said.

"I thought you said YOU were your own lawyer?" Fang retorted.

"Yeah Kairi lost her Lifetime Pass for the farm, I'll be calling you guys if we don't find it by tomorrow," Sora said and drove off.

With everyone finally in the living room, Lightning started the meeting. "Triton says he has an announcement to make, not that anybody cares."

"TRITON!?" Tidus said surprised by what she had call them this time. "Well, as you may or may not know since you guys left the second Serah won second place, Yuna was crowned Miss Luca! So I want to quit my job here so I can help her with her modeling career."

"WHAT!?" they said.

"But if you leave, who will clean up the chocobo poop, take out the trash, clean the bathrooms, water the lawns, and control the parking lot?" Serah asked.

'_ME_,' Noctis realized. "Boss, you can't let him leave. One day he's gonna save this place from destruction," Noctis lied. Lightning believed that the reason Noctis could teleport and materialize weapons from thin air was because he was from the future, she would believe anything he had to say.

"That's too bad Triton, I was just about to give you a promotion," Lightning said. "Tell me RIGHT NOW. Do you want the promotion, yes or no?"

"Um….yes!"

"Congratulations, you're our new mascot," Lightning said and handed Tidus the Fat Chocobo Suit they had gotten at Gold Saucer.

"Oh man!" Tidus said.

Serah took front and center to discuss their plan. "Now that we have the $10,000 we can buy a male chocobo to breed with the 2 female chocobos we have left. As you probably already know, chocobo breeding is a bitch! We need to get special nuts before they can mate," Serah explained.

"You mean these nuts?" Fang said and took out some nuts from her nut sack. "Vanille and I always make sure to pick some nuts and berries where ever we go."

"You can take me outta Oerba but you can't take Oerba outta me!" Vanille said and also showed them the contents of her nut sack.

"Great! We can start right away then. Hope did you order our male chocobo yet?" Serah said.

"It's in my cart right now, I'm just about to check out!" Hope said as he added the male chocobo to his cart on Ebay.

"Not yet," Lightning stopped him and shut the laptop. "I want to try a little experiment."

"Last time you 'tried a little experiment' Snow ended up in the emergency room," Serah said, remembering the time that Lightning convinced Snow to taste test the household cleaners and choose one to make sure they weren't 'fake.'"

"I was _so close_," Lightning said. "Anyways, tomorrow we're open for business and testing if the tourists don't mind the fact that we lost most of our chocobos."

"No!"

"Come on!"

"Don't do this to us!"

"Easy for YOU to say! Hope and I are the customer service reps, WE'RE the ones that'll have to deal with the angry customers!" Vanille said.

"It's just for one day, it's won't kill you," Lightning replied. Hope was deathly afraid of mean people, it could very much kill him. "Report to work at 8AM," she said and left for her midnight hike with the night vision goggles Sazh had gifted her.

The next morning everyone got ready for business. Hope prepared an algorithm on a piece of paper to help him handle the angry customers. "Vanille, can you help me practice? Pretend you're an angry tourist."

"Sure!" Vanille agreed and channeled her inner demons. "Excuse me young man, where are all the chocobos!?"

Hope consulted his algorithm, "Hello Sir/Ma'am, I am sorry to hear that you are upset with your experience at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm. We would like to give you a coupon for 1gil off your next visit. We hope to see you again."

"Listen here you little punk. It's my son's birthday today and if my ex-wife finds out I screwed this up she's gonna take me to court and demand full custody. If that kid doesn't get to have a proper chocobo farm experience I'm going to BOMB this place. And don't bother calling the bomb squad because I AM the bomb squad," Vanille said.

Hope skipped to the 'death threat' portion of the algorithm, his hands were shaking. "Sir/Ma'am please stay calm and remain where you are as I call security," Hope said, his voice cracking.

"See you did just fine! If you can handle a death threat you can handle anything!" Vanille said.

Tidus was in the restroom when Serah walked in on him changing into the chocobo suit. "TIDUS WHERE ARE YOUR UNDERPANTS!?" she screamed.

"People in Zanarkand don't wear underpants!" Tidus said as he pulled the suit over his butt and put on the huge chocobo head. "I can't believe I agreed to this promotion, this is humiliating! I gotta say though it's not nearly as bad as the things Lulu does to me," Tidus said; nothing could compare to the spanking, the blackmailing, the bondage.

"At lease you HAVE a job, what am I supposed to do at the petting zoo? How am I supposed to tell the children that their dreams of petting chocobo chicks won't come true?" Serah said hysterically.

"Hey why don't you become my photographer?" Tidus suggested. "Kids and families are gonna want to take photos with me, it'll be perfect!"

"Yes!" Serah agreed, happy that she wouldn't have to deal with her sister at her throat asking why she's not doing anything.

Outside, Noctis was trying to strike a deal with Kairi's Kitchen as they were setting up. "Look Sora, please just one day, just today, give out your food for free. That will definitely settle down any angry customers," Noctis proposed.

"Noct, you know I want to say yes. But today is Barbeque Ribs day, you know how much money we'd lose? Kairi's Kitchen would be DONE for, and say goodbye to your 1% royalty," Sora replied. "Hey Riku how are the ribs coming?"

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Riku replied, flipping the racks on ribs on the barbeque grill as Kairi sat in a chair feeding her Tamagotchi.

Snow and Fang were at the shuttle rehearsing their new tour material. "After I tell my story about my first date with Serah what are you going to do?" Snow said.

"I got a few Oerban voodoo tricks up my sleeve, I warn you though it's going to get REALLY bloody," Fang explained.

"As long as the customers are entertained!" Snow said and volunteered to be Fang's voodoo assistant.

Sazh was sitting on a lawn chair, basking in the sun with a glass of lemonade. "Sazh, why aren't you panicking like the others?" Lightning asked.

"You kidding me? I'm Mr. Popular today! I got the only chocobos we have AND enough saddles. No one's gonna be yelling profanities at me today! You should be worried about Hope though, I think bad words trigger his asthma attacks," Sazh said.

"Yeah, so do butterflies, pretty girls, and skinny jeans. It's a miracle we haven't lost him to natural selection yet," Lightning said.

As opening time began, the customers started showing up. In the line there was a duck, a dog, and a mouse. "Vanille, you see those animals?" Hope pointed them out.

"I'll take care of this," Vanille said, exited the ticket booth, and approached the animals. "EE AH Ooh OOH AH!" she tried to scare them away with monkey noises.

"Zo my gosh!" Sora saw what was happening and ran over. "King Mickey! It is an honor to be graced with your presence," Sora said and bowed politely. "What brings you to the chocobo farm?"

"Is the rat dead?" Hope yelled from the ticket booth.

"No, I think Sora's gonna finish him off!" Vanille replied.

"Have some RESPECT!" Sora got mad. "This is King Mickey, the monarch of Disneyland."

"Nice to meet'cha!" King Mickey greeted sweetly. "These are my body guards Goofy and Donald."

"Gawrsh!"

"Quack!"

"We've been looking everywhere for you Sora," King Mickey said. "We searched for months and we finally found your house. Then your father told us you ran away and live at this farm now."

"Of course he would say that, he never notices me. I'm never enough for him!" Sora said and started shedding tears.

"Sora," Vanille whispered, "the farm's a mess right now, we can't have the king of Disneyland here!"

"Too late!" Sora answered. "Come on King Mickey, let me introduce you to the owner!" Sora said and guided King Mickey and his entourage to the house. He unlocked the door with his key and saw Noctis and Lightning at the kitchen table doing the taxes.

"Boss, that's illegal. You can't claim that this place doesn't exist. The government knows you're here," Noctis tried to talk Lightning out of committing tax evasion.

"But they don't know that _Lightning_'s here, they think Claire's here. As far as I'm concerned Claire was killed in a tragic scuba diving accident," Lightning said and showed Noctis her fake death certificate. Noctis couldn't protest further, and filled out the tax forms with Lightning's lies.

"Eh hem," Sora gave an awkward cough to notify them that they weren't alone.

"What's ratboy genius doing inside the house? You don't have pet privileges Sora," Lightning said when she noticed the guests.

"Watch your manners! This is King Mickey and he's come a VERY long way to visit us," Sora replied.

Noctis got up when he heard 'King Mickey' and bowed to the ground at King Mickey's feet. "Your Majesty, it is an honor. I am Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, at your service," he said and kissed his mice hands.

"Prince Noctis, no need for such formalities. Just call me Mickey!" King Mickey replied and shook his hand. "How's your dad doing?"

"I can't say, he kicked me out of the palace. So I've been working here and traveling the road with my friends," Noctis replied. "This is my boss, Lightning Farron."

"Oh have I heard about you!" Mickey said and shook her hand.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Every FF character I come across tells me you're a gold digger! Hahaha!" King Mickey said jollily.

"I mine for gold ONE time at Besaid and I'm a gold digger now?" Lightning said.

"Anyways, if Lightning and Noctis would so politely join us, I'd like to show you around the farm!" Sora said and guided King Mickey back outside. He first guided them to Kairi's kitchen. "This is my new business! Kairi cooks and Riku takes the orders," Sora explained and pointed at Riku, who was cooking, and Kairi, who was taking orders.

"Ah, such a business man you are Sora! You're dad must be very proud of you!" King Mickey said.

"My dad hates me! He thinks my kingdom hearts and keyblade stories are all made up!" Sora said. Just then he got a text from his dad. "Oh no, my dad found out about my plastic surgery appointments and cancelled them. He won't get away with this!" Sora said and ran off, jumped into his car, and raced back home.

Lightning and Noctis were left to deal with King Mickey. "Your Highness, how would you like a tour of the farm?" Noctis thought quickly.

"That sounds great!" King Mickey agreed and was escorted to the shuttle. They all got on along with other tourists.

Snow and Fang finished rehearsing their material and revved up the engine. Fang noticed King Mickey. "Snow, we got a rat on board. May I do the honors?"

"Be my guest!" Snow said from the driver's seat. Fang got ready to throw her spear at the unwelcome guest.

"STOP!" Vanille ran over to the shuttle when she saw what was happening. "_The rat is a king. Sora is one of his followers. You kill the rat your kill our honor_," Vanille told Fang in Oerban.

"_It has been so many moons since we've had rat meat. Do you not miss my mother's rat skewers? She taught me the recipe. We'll dine like queens tonight. I cannot bear another day of eating chocobo feed for dinner_," Fang answered in Oerban.

"_I never liked your mother's rat skewers. How could I dare to tell her? She is like you, stubborn and proud_."

"_VANILLE_!"

Snow started driving, bringing Fang back to reality. "Eh, welcome folks! Glad you could join us here at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm. The chocobos are right over there," Fang said and quickly pointed to the only 2 chocobos in the corral. "Now a word from my fellow tour guide," she said and handed Snow the intercom.

Snow drove the shuttle into the surrounding wilderness to distract the tourists and started telling his story. "Howdy ya'll my name's Snow, and I'm gonna tell you about the story of my first date with my wife!"

"Oh my god," Lightning said; their first date was when her life started going downhill.

"Serah told me to sneak in through her bedroom window, so I show up fashionably late and you guessed it, her sister already nailed the window shut! So I knock on the front door and Lightning answers, she tells me to go back to the homeless shelter and I say 'No way sista, I got a date with Serah!' and she says 'Where? At the soup kitchen?' and I say, 'Heck yeah, tonight's beef stew!'"

"Serah finally manages to get out of the house via the sewage system and we meet up at the manhole down the street. She hops on with me on my skateboard and we go to the soup kitchen. I introduced her to my homeless friends Gadot, Maqui, Labreau, and Yuj. She loved them! She said that hanging out with us is a breath of fresh air compared to the oppression of Lightning's dictatorship at home and the physical and mental exhaustion of cheerleading practice with Vanille and Hope at school."

"Next we all go down to the beach and hop right into the ocean! We're having fun until Maqui gets attacked by a shark. The poor kid's bleeding like a garden hose and we don't know what to do! None of us got health insurance so Serah tells us to take him back to her place. We show up at Lightning's house and she tells us to get off her lawn, so we stampede into her living room and put Maqui on the couch. We're doing everything we can to stop the bleeding and Lightning's not paying attention and just doing crunches on her yoga mat."

"A few minutes later Hope knocks on the door asking for a cup of sugar for his mom's recipe. He sees the pool of blood and passes out so Lightning gives him CPR. We get PISSED that she's helping Hope and not Maqui. So Gadot's on the phone ready to call Guardian Corps to report her for child endangerment. Her phone rings, she picks it up and says 'Sergeant Farron, Guardian Corps Bodhum Security Regiment speaking.'"

"OH NO!" King Mickey said as he listened, fearing for young Maqui's life.

"Turns out she IS the Guardian Corps. Eventually we're able to stop the bleeding, but we couldn't save his toes so don't make fun of him if you see him walking a little weird. We crash at Lightning's place for the next few weeks and live happily ever after!"

"YEAH!" The tourists and King Mickey said, cheering and giving standing ovations.

"And that's the story of how my house became a homeless shelter," Lightning added.

Happy that they didn't have to resort to Fang's voodoo act (which would have consisted of stabbing Snow with a metal rod, and hoping he didn't die of sepsis), Snow and Fang ended the tour and let the tourists off the shuttle next to the chocobo rides. Lightning and Noctis escorted King Mickey to the front of the line for a ride.

"Excuse me, it's my son's turn next!" a tourist got mad.

"King Mickey! How are you? Sorry to hear it's taking so long for KH3 to be released, I thought Noctis had it bad," Sazh greeted.

"I'm going great! Thanks for your concern," King Mickey replied and gave a friendly hug.

"You know him? Sazh, how could you do this to me. You know I want to marry rich," Lightning said, offended that she has not had this VIP connection.

"Know him? Dajh WORSHIPS this guy! I mean literally worship, that kid doesn't want to go to church, he wants to go to Disneyland. You know how expensive it is to go to Disneyland EVERY Sunday? They invented the annual pass because of Dajh!" Sazh said.

"I've never been on a chocobo, can someone lend me a hand?" King Mickey asked. Sazh picked him up from his mouse waist and seated him on the chocobo. "Oh my!" King Mickey said as the chocobo started moving.

"Kewh," the chocobo stopped and said. King Mickey moved the bird a little to the left. "Kweh!?" He moved a little more. "K-KWEHHH!" King Mickey ordered the chocobo to dig at the spot, revealing the ancient, legendary χ-blade.

"Dear Odin. Sazh, rides are over, close the gates. Noct, get a shovel and start digging. Report all the findings to me," Lightning ordered, looking forward for the next treasure that lays beneath the corral, waiting to be discovered.

"On it," Noctis said, and started digging.

"I can't believe this, we've been looking for this thing for ages!" King Mickey said. "Anyways, I need to return to my world. Please tell Sora, Riku, and Kairi to meet me when they can. We got a long journey ahead of us."

"Yeah sure," Lightning said and escorted the mouse king to the exit. She noticed that Vanille was alone at the ticket booth, getting yelled at.

"I want my money back!"

"This place is a scam!"

"Where are all the chocobos!?"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! What else can I say? SHOOT me!" Vanille told the angry customers, fearing for her life.

"Vanille! Where's Hope?" Lightning asked.

"He's hiding up on the roof!" Vanille answered and got engaged in a fist fight with a customer.

Lightning looked up at the roof to see a frightened Hope in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. "GET DOWN HERE CADET!"

"Why me!?" Hope answered, clutching onto what looked like a Tickle Me Elmo.

"Get down from there right now, you MAGGOT! So what are you gonna do when a member of your team is counting on you? Are you gonna leave a man behind? No one gets left behind, is that CLEAR?" Lightning yelled at him. "You want me to call your mom and tell her you haven't gone to church even once since you came here?"

"No! She'll KILL me!" Hope said and immediately hopped down from the roof.

The gang shooed away the customers and closed the farm for the day. They met in the living room for their post conference.

Tidus took off the fat chocobo suit and was drenched in sweat. "What's up with the pit that Noct is digging? I fell in!" he said and looked out the window to see him still digging.

"You fell into the pit? I fell into the pit! We all fell into the pit~" Snow sang since he and Fang also fell in.

"Today wasn't too bad right? Snow actually did an ok job during the tour," Lightning said, surprised that Snow's story managed to distract the customers.

"It was miserable!" Vanille said. "The customers were so mad at us for not giving them refunds. We don't know any self-defense skills, all we had were our cheerleading skills! I basket tossed Hope up onto the roof but there was no one to basket toss _me_…I ended up flashing my l'Cie brand to scare everyone away!"

"I don't care what you say Light, I'm ordering that male chocobo right now!" Hope said as he inputted her credit card number into the Ebay checkout page. "Done."

"Hallelujah!" they said.

"How about you Triton? Did the customers beat you up too? You know I don't offer health insurance," Lightning said.

"Neither does Lulu and SHE's my primary doctor!" Tidus said. "It was ok, one mom thought I was a real chocobo and gave me a fat shaming speech. Then another woman came and gave HER a fat shaming shaming speech. Other than that, I posed with the kids, Serah took the pictures, it was all good."

Noctis finally came in, covered in dirt. "No luck Boss. I digged up the corral completely. All I found was old Chocobo Bill's coffin."

"Did you open it?"

"Give me a few minutes," he said and went back to do so. He should have known, grave robbing was one of Claire Farron's several convicted felonies, before she 'died' that is.

"So what's the plan? We get that male chocobo, breed some chicks, then inbreed them until they are mutants?" Fang asked.

"What!? Is that really what we're doing?" Serah asked.

"Pretty much, and if that doesn't work then we're getting our hands dirty and hunting us some chocobos," Sazh said, covering Dajh's ears.

Noctis came back in with a big bag full of balls. "He buried himself with a crap ton of Chocobo Lure materia."

"What good's that going to do? Throw it away, we don't need it," Lightning said.

"I'll take that!" Snow said and took the bag to later give to Judge Yuffie.

Next time: The gang breeds chocobos!

-end-

A very long time ago I mentioned that the FF12 cameos are going to have a chapter of their own, I swear to God that's still happening, I haven't forgotten!

Please review! Thank you CustomEyes and permanent :D

See you all next time!


	25. Chapter 25: Chocobo Breeding

Chapter 25: Chocobo Breeding

The next morning the gang arrived bright and early and were having breakfast inside the house as they waited for their male chocobo to arrive. They were sitting at the kitchen table while Serah hurried to cook up something decent.

She opened the fridge to see what they had: Chocobo greens, tomatoes, and cucumbers. "Another day, another salad…" Serah said sadly.

"If only we had some RAT meat…" Fang said and glared at Vanille.

"You guys should have told me, I would have asked Yuna to make us something before I left home this morning!" Tidus offered.

"Like what, fried sea urchins? What you guys got in Besaid besides crustaceans and coconuts?" Sazh asked.

"We have pigs during this time of year! I'll bring some ham next time," Tidus said and added 'slaughter the piglets' onto his to do list, along with the 'put out the wildfire' and 'save the townspeople' tasks that Lulu had forced upon him.

"Noct, how much do we have to pay your butler to work for us?" Lightning asked.

"You mean Ignis? Too late, he just signed a contract with Hell's Kitchen, we won't be seeing him for a while," Noctis answered.

Serah placed the bowls of salad on the kitchen table. "Noooooo!" they all cried and reluctantly ate their breakfast.

"I miss my mom's cooking!" Hope cried actual tears and ate his umpteenth salad. At home his mom let him eat cookies and chocolate milk for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

After a few minutes there was a knock at the door, "Strife Delivery Service, you name it we deliver it," the man behind the door said.

Lightning got out her gunblade, opened the door, and pointed it at Cloud. "Hands up!"

Cloud put his hands in the air, "Delivery for Hope Estheim!"

"Oh. Hope get out here, you have to sign for the chocobo," Lightning called out for the young lad.

Hope walked out the door to sign the papers for Cloud. "On the dotted line," Cloud told him. He signed his name 'Hop Es Time.'

Cloud detached the chocobo cage from his motorbike and gave Lightning the paperwork. "One male chocobo, and a 30 day money back guarantee. I wouldn't count on the guarantee though, he came from the Rabanastre Chocobo farm and they're really mean over there," Cloud said, remembering how they teased him for being a Zack Fair wannabe; if only they knew the real story.

Snow ran out of the house with the bag of Chocobo Bill's materia as Cloud was about to leave. "WAIT!" he said and stopped Cloud. "Give this to Judge Yuffie, it's URGENT!"

"Ok," Cloud said and got out a calculator, "That will be 100 gil."

"Hehehehe, you take me for a fool? Give me the JUDGE YUFFIE special!" Snow rebutted.

"Dang it!" Cloud said and took the bag. Just like Cid, Yuffie forced Cloud to give his services for free to her friends. If he didn't agree she would sue him on national television for his terrorist crimes from their FF7 days.

The gang exited the house after Cloud left to see their new chocobo. "WOW!" Vanille said and gave him a hug. "Can I name him? His name is Otokobo!"

"Whatever, grab your nut sacks and let's get down to business," Lightning said and led Otokobo to the barn. "What first?" she asked Serah, who was holding an FF7 strategy guide.

"We feed them a lot of greens first. Higher quality greens provide better stats than cheaper greens," Serah read from the guide. "Well that's gonna be a bit of a problem, most of our greens are Gyasahl greens."

"Screw stats, I just want babies. We split into 3 teams, whoever feeds their chocobo the most greens gets first dibs on Tie Dye's pork tomorrow," Lightning said.

"TIE DYE!?" Tidus said, surprised what she had called him this time.

They split into their teams. Team A: Lightning, Serah, and Snow. Team B: Fang, Vanille, and Hope. Team C: Sazh, Noctis, and Tidus.

Lightning and Snow wrestled and tackled down their bird with unnecessary force. "GO SERAH!" Snow said.

"Um…" Serah said and gave the chocobo a few leaves.

"We don't have all day!" Lightning said and force fed the bird herself.

Team B was taking a different approach, the Oerban approach to be exact. Fang, Vanille, and Hope were standing in a circle around the chocobo, holding hands. "_Great Goddess Aphrodite, bless this giant chicken with many younglings. We offer you the virgin white boy as our sacrifice to continue the circle of life_," Fang and Vanille chanted in Oerban as Hope tried to mimic their sounds. The girls picked up Hope and basket tossed him into the air three times.

"What was that all about!?" Hope asked when he was put back down.

"Nothing too bad, but don't tell your mom," Vanille said.

Team C was having some trouble. "Tidus, stop trying to talk to it," Noctis said, running out of patience.

"Give me a sec!" Tidus said and focused. "_Are they all gone_?" Tidus asked the female chocobo in quarks and kwehs.

"_All of them! During the fire all my children ran to safety, but they never came back. I would do anything to have them back_," the lady chocobo replied.

"_Will you please eat these greens? They'll help make more babies!_" Tidus asked after confirming that he is indeed a chocobo whisperer.

"Boy, you crazy! Noct, help me tie him up before he hurts himself," Sazh said after witnessing this strange scene. "Who's your psychiatrist?"

"Lulu! Don't tell her about this, she'll perform an exorcism on me!" Tidus said as he got his hands tied together with rope.

After the three teams fed their respective chocobos, Serah consulted the guide once more. "Next are the nuts. We leave the male and a female together in a stable and leave them a nut."

"Already on it!" Fang said and paired Otokobo with a girl chocobo and left them the biggest nut from her nut sack. "So we just wait now?"

"AH! What are they doing!?" Hope shrieked as the birds started getting freaky.

"Dammit!" Lightning said. She was given specific instructions from Nora to not give 'the talk' to Hope until he reached puberty, which would likely be never; but it looked like she'd have to do it today. "Hope, boys and girls are _different_," she said and gave Hope the talk with everyone else watching.

"Well done," they said and gave Lightning a standing ovation.

"Any questions?" she asked to make sure.

"N-n-nope!" Hope said, although he actually didn't understand half of what she had just said.

"Don't worry, I'll lend you one of my yaoi mangas later. It'll explain _everything_," Serah reassured him.

"Ah! It's hatching!" Snow yelled and pointed at the egg the mama chocobo just laid.

The egg cracked open and revealed a small green chocobo chick.

"What the heck!?" they all said. Although they have seen colored chocobos at Gold Saucer, all their previous chocobos at the farm were yellow.

Lightning picked up the baby and examined it. "Male G, born from Yellow F1 and Yellow M. Are you writing this down Serah?"

"Yes yes," she said and wrote down the new chocobo's name onto a birth certificate.

"Male G? What's that?" Tidus asked.

"Male, green."

"NUH UH! As of right now I'M the official chocobo namer! His name is Midoribo," Vanille said. "Write it down Serah. Midoribo, born from Mamabo and Otokobo."

"Uh…" Serah said and looked back at her sister.

"Who are you going to listen to? The person who signs Snow's paycheck or the girl who lied to us all throughout FF13?" Lightning threatened Serah.

"Um, technically I sign Snow's paycheck," Noctis reminded her; after Lightning had forced all financial duties onto him, he spent way too long learning how to forge her chicken scratch signature to go unrecognized like this.

"I'm sorry," Serah told Vanille and reluctantly wrote 'Male G.'

"Our chocobos aren't TOOLS you know! They deserve proper names!" Vanille protested once more.

They repeated the process with the other female chocobo and got a black female.

"KUROBO! Write it Serah! HURRY!" Vanille screamed.

"It's Black F, born from Yellow F2 and Yellow M," Lightning said.

"I'm not gonna play favorites! This one is Kurobo, now we're even," Serah decided.

"Are we done yet?" Hope said. "Mi Principe Ignacio's on in 10 minutes, I can't afford to miss another episode, I'm already confused as it is!" It certainly didn't help that Hope couldn't understand a word anyone said in the show, but seeing his hero Zack Fair made it worthwhile.

Serah looked at the guide, "Yeah, now we have to wait for the babies to grow up. So we can just pass time doing whatever. The guide suggests we do some grinding and level up."

"Thank goodness! Come on Vanille, let's get us some meat," Fang said, got her spear and ran out the barn and into the wilderness.

Everyone sans Fang and Vanille went back into the house to pass the time. Lightning, Hope, and Tidus sat at the couch and turned on the TV to see the new episode of Zack Fair's drama series.

"What's the show about?" Noctis asked as he continued doing the taxes at the kitchen table.

"Zack Fair plays a prince of a kingdom called Luz that has the last crystal in the world. The enemy kingdom called Nieblaheim steals the crystal. So he and his friends, a gladiator, a butler, and a common boy go on a roadtrip to take back the crystal. Their car broke down so they're camping," Lightning briefly summarized the show's plot.

"What the hell? That's my life!" Noctis said and looked at the TV as the intro to the show played. "That's my car! That's my DAD!"

Noctis quickly checked his cell phone to look at the text messages from his dad which he had been ignoring for months. Indeed, his father tried to tell him about the show deal. Since Noctis never replied the producers casted Zack Fair and other actors to play the parts of him and his friends instead.

"What you talkin' about? Your life is here now, with us Pulse l'Cie! Together we will create a future where we are safe from the pursuit of the Sanctum, one chocobo at a time," Sazh said as he also sat at the kitchen table, doing his older brother's taxes.

Serah and Snow were in the bedroom having an argument. "Serah, babe, come on let me have some fun!" Snow said. His Meemaw had sent him a $20 bill in the mail and Snow wanted to buy dentist grade toothpaste.

"You don't even NEED dentist grade toothpaste, your teeth and digestive system are already fluorescent white. Get yourself a new coat, that thing is older than I am!" Serah protested.

"HEY! That's my Peepaw's coat you're talking about. This thing went through the Great Depression and the War of the Magi, it belongs in a museum!"

"It belongs in a trash can!"

"You're just like your sister! I still can't forgive her for throwing away my only pair of socks," Snow said.

"Those things smelled like they were soaked in soy sauce, she did you a favor!" Serah said.

After Fang and Vanille returned with no booty a few hours later, the gang went back in the barn to check on Male G and Kurobo.

"They're still babies, how long is this gonna take!?" Vanille said.

"Boss, we don't have long before your next Botox appointment. We need the farm running full throttle as soon as possible if you expect to pay for it, unless you want me to cancel it," Noctis said.

"Don't cancel! Dammit, we need chocobos, we need them for free, and we need them fast. Any ideas?" Lightning said.

"Um, I shouldn't be talking about this," Hope started, "but one time I peeked inside my dad's suitcase and I saw some top secret documents from Shinra Inc. They're working on a time machine, my dad's on the committee. I think I can convince him to let us into the laboratory."

"We got plenty of chocobos on Gran Pulse! Why don't we take a field trip and go capture us some? Noct, you have camping equipment right?" Fang suggested.

"Yeah, I keep my Coleman stuff in my car," Noctis said.

"That sounds great! I'll call Cid and have him give us the Judge Yuffie special on the Highwind," Serah said.

"Gran Pulse here we come!" they did a group high-five.

Next Time: It's chocobo hunting time! There's no cellphone reception or electricity on Gran Pulse, will they survive?

-end-

The whole chocobo naming thing is a true story! I used to name all my chocobos in FF7 stuff like Green M and Blue F and my sister accused me of using them as 'tools' so I named the subsequent ones weeaboo names like Midoribo and Shirobo XD

Please review! Thank you Permanent and CustomEyes for your reviews! :D (Fox, um are you trolling?)

See you all next time ^_-


	26. Chapter 26: Chocobo Hunting Part 1

Note: MAJOR FF10 spoilers, stop reading at the part on top of the cliff if you want to avoid it!

Chapter 26: Chocobo Hunting Part 1

The next morning the gang was ready with their luggage waiting for Cid to pick them up. Yuna had to help Tidus unload the cooler full of pork from the trunk of the car because it was so heavy. "Dang Tidus, how much pork did you bring?" Snow asked.

"Only about 50 pounds! I spent all night slaughtering the piglets," Tidus said and started having PTSD flashbacks of his cruel, evil deed.

A few minutes later Cid flew in and parked the Highwind at the parking lot. "Hurry on up you numbskulls! Shera's parents are coming over to visit and I still haven't fixed the toilet, I'm running outter time!" he said and threw their luggage on board. The gang got on board and settled in. "Why are Meg Ryan and kpop sensation Jaejoong of DBSK on me ship? Yuffie didn't tell me about any VIP guests, I would have brought some tea!"

"That's just Noct and Titanic," Lightning explained.

"Titanic!?" Tidus said, surprised by what she had called him this time; he wasn't even a person anymore, he was a vessel.

"So where to!?" Cid asked as he revved up the engine.

Fang and Vanille went to him with a map. "I know this is going to sound crazy, but you have to leave the atmosphere, we're leaving this planet per say," Fang said and gave him the map depicting their world hovering over the larger world of Gran Pulse below.

"WHAT!?"

"Just keep flying up into the air, eventually we'll leave the atmosphere of this planet and enter Gran Pulse!" Vanille added.

"YOU ARE ALL LUNATICS!... But so am I, let's giddy up! Shera's parents can crap in the backyard fer all I care!" Cid said with excitement and flew the ship straight up into the atmosphere. Cid started getting teary-eyed when Gran Pulse came into view, "I can't believe, I really am the first man in outer space, and on MARS for that matter!"

"Mars?" Hope said; he may have barely graduated high school but he did pay attention in science class. "That's not Mars, that's Gr-" he started to say until Sazh shut him up and put a hand over his mouth.

"Don't ruin this for him, boy!" Sazh warned, knowing that it was Cid's dream to be the first man in outer space.

Cid parked the Highwind in the northern portion of the Archylte Steppe and ran out the ship before anyone else could beat him. He stepped onto the dirt of this new land and looked onto the horizon, "Someone write this down!" he yelled back into the ship.

Hope got out a piece of paper and pencil from his backpack to write Cid's monologue, "DAMN YOU SHINRA! You see me now? I'm on MARS you *********s! And I ain't letting you ****nuggets get ANY of this land! Hell, I bet THIS is the promised land! And it's ALL MINE! $)+$ %&amp;$#? ! #^ $!" he said and stuck a flag with his face on it into the ground.

Hope tried to write down everything Cid said, although he didn't understand half the words he used. He handed the paper to Cid when he got back onto the ship. "When do you numbskulls want me to pick you up?"

"Tomorrow night. There's no cellphone reception here so you better be there," Lightning said. The gang took their luggage and disembarked and made their way through the caves of the Mah'habara Subterra.

Serah recognized a familiar face hiding in a corner of the cave. "MOG!"

"Kupo!" the fat little creature greeted and got trapped into a tight hug. "Kupo kupo kupo?"

"KUPO!" Serah answered.

"Serah stop, you're scaring me," Lightning said, disturbed.

"This is what I was telling you about! This is the moogle that went with me and Noel on a journey through time to save you!" Serah said. After she woke up from getting her wisdom teeth removed she told Lightning about a journey she took through the space time continuum with a moogle and a guy from her cheerleading squad; no one believed her.

The gang continued on through the cave, boarded the Atomos Fal'Cie, and arrived at their camping destination: the Sulyya Springs.

"COWABUNGA!" Vanille yelled and jumped right into the water. The gang decided on a rocky platform and started setting up camp.

Snow noticed something as Noctis was setting up his tent. "Yo Noct, what the heck, I thought you said your tent was big and spacious! I can't fit into that thing!" he commented on the 6x6 size Coleman tent.

"It's big for me. What, you didn't bring your own tent?" Noctis asked.

"WHAT!?" they all yelled.

"When you said you were bringing your tent we assumed it was for all of us!" Fang said. "If I would have known I would have brought my teepee."

"So how many people fit?" Lightning asked.

"My friends and I use it, so four people."

"Wait," Tidus said, "Noctis is the only one that brought shelter!? What's next, you're gonna tell me I'm the only one that brought food?"

"I didn't!" everyone said.

"So am I the only person that brought toilet paper?" Serah asked and showed them the 1 roll of toilet paper she had.

"Am I the only one that brought sun screen?" Hope said.

"Am I the only one that brought the traps?" Fang said and took out her metal bear traps.

"Am I the only one that brought GUNS? You guys, we've been here before! This place is a warzone!" Sazh said. They had barely survived when they first came, it was a huge difficulty spike in the game.

"Am I the only one that brought night-vision goggles and tranquilizer darts?" Lightning said, nighttime was prime time for chocobo hunting.

"Am I the only one that brought TOOTHPASTE!?" Snow said, no way he was sharing.

"Am I the only one that brought a swim suit?" Vanille said, still in the water.

"Looks like we're gonna have to do this Oerban Style, some good old bartering!" Fang said.

Everyone surrounded Noctis to try to grab a spot in his tent. "Tidus, Sazh, and Serah," he immediately said, deciding on the food, guns, and toilet paper.

"HEY!"

"You don't even NEED to sleep in the tent," Hope said. "You're an insomniac! I'll give you half of my sunscreen for your spot in the tent."

"Hmm, you have a point. I'll take your offer," Noctis decided.

Everyone then surrounded Tidus to get some food. "Do you want a demotion?" Lightning asked him.

"Yes, please!" Tidus said; he hated being the chocobo mascot. "But I might give you food…if you tell me my NAME."

"T…." Lightning started.

"Yes! YES!" Tidus got excited.

"Bone steak?" she finished.

"You know what? If you're gonna call me T Bone Steak, I'm gonna call you Litnong! And Hoax, Saxophone, Fact, Vaccine, Syrup, Smog, and Noise!" Tidus started going insane.

"HEY!"

"I don't care if you call me Mama, give me some pork and I'll set up my traps around your tent, you'll sleep like a baby!" Fang said.

"Tidus, I brought my snorkels and flippers. If you feed me they're all yours!" Vanille yelled from afar in the water.

"Fang and Vanille will be joining Noct and I then!" Tidus announced.

Lightning and Snow were the only ones left with no food and no shelter. "This is middle school summer camp all over again!" Snow started crying; his campmates would lock him out of the cabin and deny him dinner, claiming that a Yeti like him belonged trapped in a cave, alone.

"Suck it up, this is the real world!" Lightning said and started having PTSD flashbacks of the harsh, cruel conditions she had trained for during her time in the Guardian Corps; the snowstorms, the sandstorms, the thunderstorms, and the crickets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

After trading their goods and services the gang huddled to discuss their game plan. "We're going to have different teams," Lightning said. "I'm leading the nighttime team, we'll be searching tonight and sniping the chocobos with tranquilizers, it'll be quick and painless. Fang's leading the daytime chase team, they'll be chasing chocobos in the wide open. Sazh is leading the daytime trap team, they'll be coming up with clever methods to lure and trap the chocobos."

"Work smarter not harder, am I right?" Sazh said, although the real reason why he was going that route was because Dajh would be traumatized otherwise.

"I only have three tranquilizer rifles and Noct is already joining me, I need one more person," Lightning said.

Tidus thought before answering, if he wasn't on the nighttime team, he can rest in the comfort of Noctis' tent and get some sleep. But if he was on the nighttime team he could impress Lightning, and maybe even get a promotion, of better yet a raise. Tidus was STILL the lowest paid employee, even Dajh got paid more than him. "I'm joining!"

"God no!" Noctis protested.

"I need two strong, FAST people on my team," Fang said.

"What the heck, count me in!" Snow said. He wasn't a particularly a good runner but the length of his titan legs made him outrun most mammals, even some birds.

"Don't forget me Fang!" Vanille said as she practiced her dolphin jumps in the water.

"Which leaves me with the kiddos! Hehehe," Sazh said. With such airheads as Hope and Serah on his team they were going to have a very long day.

They decided that the nighttime team would be the first to hunt and the daytime teams would spend the entire next day working, so the gang loitered around until nighttime. Snow decided to write a letter to his Meemaw, in case he didn't make it. "Dear Meemaw, it's day 1 with no food or roof over my head. I'm already starting to have hallucinations. Serah told me to tie my shoes but I could have sworn she said 'cry my tunes' so I started singing the Backstreet Boy's 'I want it that way.' Lightning threw a boot at me to shut me up and Serah said she's gonna make me an appointment with a psychiatrist. Remember Hope? Yeah the little albino boy. He's still alive like you said he would be! I guess I owe you 10 bucks for losing that bet. And Dajh, that boy can speak WORDS now! He looks at me weird now when I tell him 'googoogaga wadawadawee!' I'll update you tomorrow (if I'm still alive)."

Tidus was enjoying himself with Vanille's snorkels and flippers he had traded for. He went for a dive in the water looking for the treasures that awaited him. All he found were Crankshafts, Particle Accelerators, and Ultracompact Reactors. "These aren't going to do me any good!" he said and threw them back into the water.

As dinner time approached, Tidus' chosen diners stood by the cooler. Tidus finally came by to serve the pork. He opened the cooler and served them a plate of the ham.

"TIDUS they're plenty enough of ham to feed all of us for days, have some mercy!" Serah said.

"MERCY!?" Tidus got mad. "Where was the mercy when I had to dig through the chocobo poop to find the fridge key? Where was the mercy when Litnong forced me to come to work so early knowing how far away I live? Where was the mercy for all my unpaid overtime!?"

"Hey, you got any salt? Or hot sauce?" Noctis interrupted.

"Yeah it's definitely missing some flavor," Fang added.

"Fine! Take it! I don't care!" Tidus gave up and left the cooler open for everyone to help themselves.

When the night fell Lightning got ready to take her team hunting. She calibrated the night goggles and loaded the dart guns and handed one each to Noctis and Tidus. "Noct, you have experience with guns right?"

"You know it."

"T Bone?"

"Nope!"

"You'll catch on," Lightning said. They made their way to the Archylte Steppe and looked around for any chocobos. "Over there!" Lightning said and pointed very, very, far away.

"What? Where?" Noctis said, but it was too late, she was already running to the whole other side of the expanse. He used his teleporation skills to catch up.

"Oh god, wait for me!" Tidus yelled after them. Lulu had previously put a curse on him, so he can't run (see chapter 19). He cast Haste on himself and Slowga on his partners to catch up.

Lightning led them to a rocky cliff. "This is the perfect place for sniping," she said and started climbing up with her bare hands. Noctis warped up.

"I thought you meant you found some chocobos!" Tidus said and followed.

At the top of the cliff they got their tranquilizer guns ready and scoped the area. "I see something yellow over there," Tidus said and pointed to a small yellow object.

"That looks like a clip of hair extensions," Noctis said.

Tidus checked the back of his head. "Oh no, Rikku's gonna KILL me!" It come him forever to convince her to lend him some hair extensions; Tidus had been balding ever since he started working at the farm, he didn't want Yuna to worry.

"T BONE! OVER THERE!" Lightning smacked his head and pointed at the yellow chocobo running around.

"I got this Boss," Noctis said and got ready to shoot.

"No way, this one's mine!" Tidus said and repositioned himself on the cliff. His foot slipped on a sloped edge and he began to fall off the cliff.

"NO!" Noctis yelled as he saw Tidus' petite body plummeting to his inevitable death. He warped to the ground and caught Tidus just in time.

"I-I'm _alive_?" Tidus said when he opened his eyes and saw things. "N-NOCT? You saved me?"

"GET BACK UP HERE CADETS!" Lightning demanded from up on the cliff.

"Why did you save me?" Tidus said as he started climbing back up.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," Noctis warned and warped back.

"No! I wanna know! You hate me! Or…WAIT, do you LIKE me? Am I a FRIEND!?" Tidus asked when he got back up.

Noctis didn't really want to break the bad news, but it seemed like today was the day Tidus found out the truth. "The reason I saved you is the same reason why you don't show up in photographs."

"Haha, what are you gonna say? That I'm a ghost or something?"

"Well, you're not real-"

"WHAT!?"

"Oh man this is good," Lightning stood by watching and started snacking on some nuts.

"Tidus, you're not real. I can see 'the light.' You have no light. You're a dream, your Zanarkand is a dream, your dad is a dream-" Noctis started.

"MY OLD MAN!?"

"If I had let you die, the dream would have ended," Noctis finished.

Tidus couldn't believe his ears. But that did explain many things, why he didn't show up in photographs, why he doesn't have dreams at night, why Lulu refuses to do tarot card readings on him, why Yuna's sendings make him glow a little bit. "My fingers are tingling, my mouth is dry, my eyes are burning!" Tidus wept.

"I got one!" Lightning sniped a wild chocobo and climbed down the cliff to claim her booty.

"If you ever need somebody to talk to… Ignis is trapped in Hell's Kitchen and Dope Cent needs a saxophone player to take his place," Noctis said.

"IT'S A MALE!" Lightning shouted from below.

"You know what, I think I might just take you up on that offer!" Tidus said and gave a brofist to his new friend.

Next time: Fang and Sazh's teams go head to head, who will win?

-end-

It was nice taking the gang to one of their game's locations! They will also end up going to Hope's house and Eden later in the story, teeheehee….

Please leave me a review! Thank you Permanent and CustomEyes :D

See you all next time and Happy Thanksgiving!


	27. Chapter 27: Chocobo Hunting Part 2

Chapter 27: Chocobo Hunting Part 2

The next morning everyone woke up on the wrong side of the bed…or ground. Snow was brushing his teeth and getting harassed by his co-workers. "What? NOW ya'll want my toothpaste!? Whatever happened to 'No Snow, there IS such a thing as too much toothpaste?'"

"SHUT UP AND HAND IT OVER," Lightning demanded and punched him in the face.

"Woah! Easy there sweet cheeks, Vanille and I have some mint leaves we use to brush our teeth," Fang said.

"Oh noes! I used the leaves to make some tea last night," Vanille replied. She then spotted Hope crouched in a corner by the water. "Hopu-kun, what're you doing!?"

"N-n-nothing!"

Sazh walked over to his albino son and confiscated the goods. "You sneaky little rugrat! Your mom packed this for you didn't she?" Hope had smuggled in a travel-kit complete with a toothbrush, toothpaste, toilet paper, clean socks, deodorant, an emergency inhaler, and a jar of L'Oreal RevitaLift Anti-Wrinkle Firming Face &amp; Neck Cream.

"YOU TRAITOR!"

"I thought you were our _FRIEND_."

"Is that cream any good?" Tidus asked; his decades of sun tanning were taking a toll on his skin and his self-esteem.

"Someone get Mr. Security out here, let's see what he chooses for punishment," Sazh suggested.

Serah went into the tent to wake up Noctis; he was face down in a starfish position with no pillow or blanket. "Um, Noct?" she said and poked him but he didn't budge. "NOCTIS!" she started getting scared and shook his body, with no response. She ran out the tent, "I THINK NOCTIS DIED!"

"WHAT!?" they all said and dragged his body out of the tent. "W-whenever Zack Fair dies, they cast a Thunder spell on him!" Hope recalled.

Lightning cast her strongest Thunder spell, causing his body to go into a mini seizure, but he didn't wake up.

"Let there be SNOW!" Snow called out and cast Blizzaga.

"What the HELL!?" Noctis finally woke up after having been turned into a popsicle.

"YAY!"

The day teams got their equipment together and left camp to get to business after having been told by Lightning that the team that returns with the lesser amount of chocobos will have to clean the chimney from the inside out back at the farm. The Chase Team (Fang, Vanille, and Snow) settled in the middle of the open field of the Archylte Steppe. "The plan's simple, we see chocobo, we chase chocobo. You lose chocobo, you lose your life," Fang explained.

"NO!" Snow got scared; there was still so much he had to do: 1. Travel the world while not under the pursuit of PSICOM 2. Go to an animal shelter, adopt the cats, all the cats 3. Jump off a building and live to tell the tale 4. Co-design a clothing line with Serah to produce matching outfits for couples with large height differences 5. Sail the darkness of the cosmos with this planet as his vessel (just as his Meemaw did long ago).

"There's one over there!" Vanille noticed the bird grazing in the meadow. She got her trap rod weapon and ran. "YAYAYAYAYAH!" she performed her Oerban war cry.

The chocobo spotted the red-headed war maiden and started running away for its life. It jumped and flew up onto the back of an Adamantoise, which Vanille proceeded to climb up on with her bare hands.

Atop the back of the reptilian dinosaur, the majestic chocobo quivered as the war maiden flung her rod at the bird, releasing the wires to claim its capture. She walked over to the bird, gave it a hug and whispered into its ear, "You're in MY swamp now."

Back on ground level, Fang and Snow cheered for their team's first catch of the day. "YOU GO GIRL!" Snow yelled.

Vanille came back with her booty and tied it to a rock. "Breaktime!" she decided.

The three teammates sat in a circle and decided to play 'Would you rather.' Fang went first, "Would you rather divorce Serah and marry Light, or kill Light and stay married to Serah?"

"Easy! I would kill her!" Snow decided.

"WHAT!?" the Oerban sisters exclaimed.

"Well, both put me in a HELLA awkward position, but if I were to marry Lightning she would beat me DAILY. My self-esteem would disappear! Who am I? What am I? Am I a punching bag? A bottle of KETCHUP?! But if I were to _kill_ her, all that would happen is Serah hating me! I'd rather have Serah hate me than become a bottle of ketchup," Snow explained his rationale.

"Fang, would you rather stay on the farm and eat nothing but salad for the rest of your life, or go back to Oerba 600 years ago?" Vanille questioned.

Fang got mad and pointed her spear at Vanille's throat. "Don't you dare make me choose between Lightning and animal meat!"

"Do it. STAB ME!" Vanille said with a straight face.

"I can't tell if you're suicidal, or just have a lot of guts!" Snow admired her courage, knowing how Vanille dared Sazh to shoot her back in their FF13 days.

In the meanwhile, the trap team (Sazh, Serah, and Hope) were arguing about how to set up the traps. "In what world do chocobos crave chocolate chip cookies!? Think with your brain boy, not with your stomach ulcer!" Sazh argued after Hope suggested using his mom's cookies at bait.

"I got it!" Serah got excited. "We should use berries, there's a bunch in the bushes over there!" Serah suggested.

"For the last time, we're using peanut butter and that's that!" Sazh said and politely confiscated Dajh's jar of peanut butter he likes to carry around and call "Wilson." To be honest the only reason Sazh was insisting on the peanut butter was to finally get rid of Wilson; when did Dajh manage to sneak onto Netflix and watch Castaway?!

Hope and Serah started setting up the classic box with a stick trap and Sazh put out the peanut butter, finally putting an end to Wilson. Noctis' tent had come inside of a huge box that was conveniently the same size as a chocobo.

"So we just wait now?" Hope panicked, remembering that he had forgotten to take his ADHD meds in the morning. Without his meds he was a human version of Sonic the Hedgehog. Too many times Nora had to call the police at home when he'd go missing, only for them to find him monopolizing the play pin at the nearest fast-food joint.

"No worries kiddo, we'll do some fishing!" Sazh said and unloaded his conveniently packed fishing backpack by the conveniently close by pond. Dajh started setting up his toddler sized fishing pole with the hook and bait himself.

"Ooooh! What's this?" Serah said and ate a 'gummy' worm from the bottle of bait.

"Girl you best be playin', those are maggots!" Sazh exclaimed.

"Ohmygod," Serah said and passed out onto the ground.

Sazh proceeded to try teaching Hope how to fish. "Hope, NO, you don't! You, GOD, take it easy!" he said as Hope flung the pole like a helicopter and released the line straight up into the air.

"I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-orry! I c-c-c-can't help itttt!" Hope stuttered in hyperactivity.

"daddy i got the big fishie," Dajh showed Sazh the bass he had just caught.

"Good job Dajh, now go catch the bigger fishie," Sazh replied, teaching Dajh to NEVER stop striving for the best.

Serah had regained consciousness and looked back at the trap they had set up. "Hey, the peanut butter is gone, but the box is still set up!"

"Frick frack!" Sazh said, and took out his binoculars to spy on Fang's team. "They already got one chocobo, we gotta think quick. Hope, hook us up!"

Hope panicked, "Uhhh…. Let's put out some goodies, whatever we got!" he suggested the least stupid thing he could come up with.

They proceeded to set up some random items under the box, in hopes that a chocobo would fall into the trap out of curiosity. Hope placed a few of his emergency Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, Serah removed her false eyelashes and added them to the stash, and Sazh added his Zanarki-English dictionary Tidus had given him.

They hid behind a nearby bush to avoid missing the chocobo again. After a few minutes the chocobo came back to see if they had set out any more yummy peanut butter. "_Duh hell dis crap_?" the chocobo thought when it saw the random objects Sazh's team had set out. The chocobo went away and fetched his girlfriend chocobo to investigate with him.

"Oh my gosh, we're gonna catch two!" Serah got excited behind the bushes.

"Don't start counting your 'bos yet, they're smarter than they look," Sazh was cautiously optimistic. "Dajh, give us a status update on the enemy team."

Dajh took out his toddler sized binoculars from his adult sized United Nations WWII backpack. "auntie fang is roasting the lizards," Dajh reported. Fang and Vanille had convinced Snow to try their grilled lizard treats.

Hope kept his eyes on their chocobos, who investigated the trap and started walking away. "They didn't fall for it, should we try different goodies?"

"Forget the goodies, RUN!" Sazh declared.

The trap team shot out of the bushes and tackled down the chocobos. Serah used her long, skinny legs to trip the chocobos, Hope used his shoelaces to tie up their legs, and Sazh used some of his unnecessary belts to muzzle them.

"Hallelujah!" Sazh exclaimed, happy he was going back to Boss!Lightning with a winning team. No way was he going to be a chimney sweep again, not again.

In the meanwhile, Fang had finished roasting the lizards and handed one to Snow. "What do you think? They didn't call me Chef Fang back in Oerba for no reason."

"Did they call you Chef Fang AT ALL? This is nasty!" Snow spat out the snack after trying one tiny bite. "I think you can learn a thing or two from Serah, her TV Dinners are the BOMB!"

Vanille looked at her sundial watch. "We were taking a break for 8 hours!?" she said and looked beyond the horizon for the other team. "THEY HAVE 2 CHOCOBOS!?"

"CROIKEY!" Fang exclaimed and prepared her spear for battle. "Vanille, Snow, get stretching we have some running to do."

"Don't look at me sista, I've done my deed!" Vanille said and pointed to her chocobo she had tied to a tree in the middle of her swamp.

"No worries, Blaze McRivers, FBI, is on the job!" Snow said, introducing his alter-ego; he thought that by changing his name, he could change who he was. Wild and spontaneous, like a forest fire, but tameable, like a river at the edge of the forest to stop said fire.

"Well Blaze, here's 'yer chance. Incoming at 12 o'clock!" Fang saw a nearby chocobo.

"On it!" Blaze made a 360 turn, not knowing the positions of the numbers on a clock, until he spotted the target past the swamp. He ran with his Titan legs, leaving a trials of small flames behind him. "OH YEAH BABY!" he said, feeling Blaze's rush. He started running through Vanille's swamp and got stuck in the mud. "DANGIT!"

"Must I do everything myself!?" Fang said and took matters into her own hands. She ran around Vanille's swamp and threw her spear at the target.

"KWEH!" The chocobo noticed the war queen and dodged her spear. The chocobo got on the ground and put both wings up into the air.

"Well that was easy," Fang said and reached the chocobo. "You're coming with me Peeps," she said and escorted the chocobo to their station.

"Get out of my swamp!" Vanille yelled at Snow, who was trying to make his way through the mud.

The chase team gathered their stuff and booty and made their way back to camp with the trap team. Lightning was whittling a log into a mini statue of a saber tooth tiger (her favorite animal), Noctis was sleeping by the campfire, and Tidus was practicing his Jecht Shots.

"Dear Odin Hope, you forgot your medicine! You want to DIE?" Lightning said angrily the instant she saw her son arrive back.

"S-s-s-sorry!" Hope stuttered and took the plastic bag of meds from his Boss!mom.

"Great news sis, both our teams caught 2 chocobos! So no one has to sweep the farm's chimney," Serah explained.

"How is that good news? Now I have to pay someone to do it. Unless…" Lightning looked over at Tidus, "Taboo, congrats you're our new chimney sweep."

"TABOO!?" Tidus said, more surprised by the name than his new Focus.

"So…what's for dinner? I'm starvin'!" Snow said, took off his shoes, and sat by the campfire.

"SNOW, put those back on right now!" Serah reminded him. There was a reason why his socks smelled like they were soaked in soy sauce, because his feet do too.

"Noct and I gathered some apples, berries, and mushrooms earlier today. No thanks to LITNONG," Tidus said.

"This mini saber tooth tiger isn't going to whittle itself," Lightning said, and got back to work. After 6 hours of meticulous whittling she had only finished carving out the teeth.

The gang served themselves their dinner and started roasting some mushrooms by the bonfire. "Um, these aren't poisonous mushrooms, are they?" Hope asked nervously; his mom taught him to never eat anything that grew from the ground.

"If there's one thing I learned during Yuna's pilgrimage, it's the difference between safe and poisoning mushrooms!" Tidus said, but cringed at the memory of having to halt Yuna's journey due to him suffering from mushroom poisoning.

Vanille pocked Noctis, who was still asleep on the ground, with a stick, 'What's wrong with him?"

"I don't know. Something about being chosen by the stars? He said we'd find out in 2016," Sazh explained as he and Dajh chowed down on the apples and berries.

"Hey, I never really asked, but how did you all meet each other?" Tidus asked when everyone was settled around the bonfire.

"Well, it all started when THIS CHICK thought it was a good idea to venture into the Pulse Vestige- " Snow started.

"You would have done the same! It was huge and cool looking!" Serah defended herself.

"No, it's Vanille's fault! And Snow's too, you killed my mom!" Hope got emotional and started crying.

"YOUR MOM IS OK! She survived the fall too, she and your dad are in Palumpolom!" Snow explained the true events.

"Vanille did NOTHING wrong, it was my fault for not being strong enough to carry out our Foci in the War of Transgression," Fang said.

"Yeah!" Vanille said. "Lightning was the heretic anyways, it was her idea to kill the fal'Cie, I just wanted to run away!"

"I don't take orders from fal'Cie. The way I live is up to ME," Lightning said. "But it was THIS FOOL that took Serah back to the Pulse Vestige. What the hell where you thinking!?" she blamed Snow.

"We were going to ask it to change her back!" Snow explained.

"Look what you've done Tidus," Sazh said as the argument escalated into a reenactment of the Wildchecho fight (search it on youtube do it).

Someone tripped on Noctis, causing him to wake up. "What the hell?" he said as he witnessed Lightning, Snow, Hope, Serah, Vanille, and Fang punching, wrestling, and jump kicking each other aimlessly.

Just then the Highwind flew across the sky to pick them up, "HEY, WOOHOO, it's time to go home!" Sazh yelled into the chaos.

Vanille stopped what she was doing and stood on top of a rock with a megaphone, "Let's make a pact. Can we all agree that everything is MY fault and promise to let go of the past?"

The fighting dispersed and the gang gathered all their belongings in silence. Lightning heard the quietest "bitch" come out from someone behind her. "SAY THAT AGAIN YOU SPOONY BARD," she turned around, ready to attack again.

"I said blitz! I can't find my blitzball!" Tidus explained. He was pretty sure someone had used it as a weapon during the fight.

"Oops, sorry," Fang said and handed Tidus the deflated ball.

Cid flew over the campsite again, "HURRY THE $ &amp;* UP YOU MAGGOTS! THE TEA'S GETTING COLD!" Cid announced on the speakers; he kept the Highwind up in the air and Shera let down the rope ladder and chocobo cages. The gang boarded the Highwind with their luggage and chocobos and settled down in the cockpit.

Shera had set up a table of tea cups for the VIP guest. "Where is he?" she asked as she looked at the gang.

"Who?" they asked.

"Are you BLIND woman? He's right there!" Cid turned around from the wheel and pointed at Noctis.

"Cid, that is NOT 'KPOP sensation Jaejoong of DBSK,'" Shera quoted what Cid had told her at home. "He is clearly GACKT." She turned to Noctis, "Mr. Gackt, please excuse Cid. He has not been to an optometrist in years."

"Gackt, Smacked, Fact, Crash Bandicoot, they're all the same to me!" Cid said.

Next time: The gang goes spying on the rival chocobo farm!

-end-

Starting next chapter things will start getting very crazy again with a new story arc, there will be BLOOD and CONSEQUENCES!

Please leave me a review! Thank you so much The TableThrower and CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time and Happy Holiday Season ^_^ I feel so fortunate for Square Enix granting us with that new FF7 Remake trailer! What a time to be alive.


	28. Chapter 28: Spying

Note: I used a few very fancy words/terms in this chapter, be sure to google any words you come across that you don't know!

Chapter 28: Spying

Cid parked the Highwind in the farm's parking lot and helped unload the Chocobos from the ship's stables. Tidus tried to lend a hand but was promptly stopped. "MS. RYAN, ain't anybody teach ye to leave the dirty work to the men!? Chocobos are SAVAGES, they stole me tool box. You know what it's like to wait for a chocobo to $*** out yer precious metals!?"

"I do actually!" Tidus reminisced on his first task upon being hired at the farm. After that, everything else became cakewalk.

After moving in all the new chocobos to the stables, the gang made their way to the house to settle back in and were surprised to see Sora, Kairi, and Riku working diligently in the kitchen. "What the hell Sora? You don't have kitchen priviledges!" Lightning got mad, feeling exploited.

"I do now!" Sora said and handed her a big wad of cash. "Times are tough, Kairi's Kitchen is getting orders from around the world are we couldn't keep up, so we relocated here. We got the Primarch of Cocoon, Lord Gramis, and the Prince of Lucis all calling in for orders!"

"What? No?" Noctis said.

Kairi hung up from a phone call and handed Riku a paper for a new order, "The Princess of Dalmaska wants 100 paupu pies for her chocobo farm."

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Riku said and quickly flipped the racks of grilled fish on the stove, took out four chocolate cakes from the oven, put in four more, then got out the bags of paupu to start on the pies.

Snow and Serah jumped onto the couch and turned on the TV. "NO WAY, you guys got a commercial!?" Snow said.

"AND a print ad," Sora added and showed them the 6 page advertisement campaign in the latest issue of Timber Maniacs. The first two pages were of Kairi modeling Dolce and Gabbana (to hook them in), the second two pages were a detailed history of Kairi's Kitchen, and the last two pages had all the available foods and prices.

Kairi pulled Sora aside, "How on earth are we supposed to deliver all those pies? Riku could barely fit all the paupu fruit in your car."

"Wait! You said chocobo farm in Rabanastre? Lightning, you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sazh said.

"You mean we use the pies as our Trojan Horse and go spying on their farm? Hell yeah," Lightning said and started repacking her night vision goggles and walkie talkies.

"I'll call Cid to come back for us," Fang said and got out the cellphone. "Vanille, how do you do this again?"

"You CLICK the button, PRESS the numbers, then TALK!" Vanille explained for the 13th time.

"Wait, why are we spying on the Rabanastre farm? They're so far away, their business shouldn't affect us," Serah said from the couch as she and Snow watched the new episode of Judge Yuffie: Selphie vs. Ultimecia; it was being broadcasted live from the future and Selphie was the last of the party standing but had forgotten to junction anything to her HP stat.

"When Vanille and I had to handle all the angry customers in chapter 24, they kept saying things like, 'Screw you guys, I'm going to the Rabanastre farm!'" Hope censored one of the many insults thrown his way.

"They also called Hope an 'asshole casserole' and me a 'hunk of junk in the trunk," Vanille said. Little did they know, being insulted is Vanille's kink; she got that guy's number and was waiting for the right time to text him back.

"Cid'll be back in 1 hour for us, he says he has to drop off Cloud at the psychiatrist first," Fang said after being yelled at on the phone.

"OH MY GOD!" Riku panicked and started working at 5x speed. The gang helped where they could; Lightning chopped the fruit with a butcher knife, Sazh kneaded the dough, and Blaze McRivers started up the barbeque grill outside.

"Blaze, you sure this is a good idea?" Serah asked as she relayed some uncooked pies to Snow.

"Nothing says 'hardcore' like grilled paupu pies!" McRivers said and put the pies on the grill.

The time passed quickly and Cid arrived back at the farm with his airship. This time he got off board and stormed into the house. "LISTEN HERE YOU MAGGOTS! I ain't yer personal bus driver! I don't care about that Wut's 'Special.' I'm CHARGING for this trip. ONE THOUSAND GIL!"

"5 gil, or no deal!" Sazh said out of reflex.

Lightning took out her gunblade, slammed Cid against the wall, and held the barrel to his head, "You're going to take us to Rabanastre, you're going to do it for free, and you're going to like it."

"DAMN! This woman knows how to make her needs known," Cid was impressed. If Shera wanted something done she would say the opposite then get mad at Cid for not figuring it out.

Sora walked over nonchalantly, "Come on, there's enough Munny in the oven to go around!" he said and got out his wallet and gave Cid twice the amount he asked for. "Keep the change."

"Sora! You need to hire an accountant, no way Kairi's Kitchen is going to stay in business if you keep spending so much on advertising and transportation," Riku said as he finished packaging the last of the paupu pies. The contracts said Kairi's the chef and spokesperson, Riku's the help, and Sora's the PR manager and accountant; that contract quickly got gutted.

"I think YOU need to get back in the kitchen!" Sora retorted.

"Well get'er on up on the ship! Shera and I gotta pick up Cloud in an hour, and that boy CRIES if you're late!" Cid rushed them and started loading the ship with the boxes full of paupu pies. Cid flew the gang at lightning speed to Rabanastre's aerodome. "$Hit! They charge a fee for landing, GET OUTER MY SHIP!" Cid said and rushed them out before someone could come to charge him the fee.

The gang was left stranded inside the aerodome with their boxes of pies. Fang went by to the nearby help desk. "We got uh… a few choice MORSELS that need transported to the Chocobo Farm for a matter of UPMOST importance, per request of Lady Ashelia B'Nargin herself," Fang demanded with her spear in hand with the fanciest vocabulary she could come up with.

"Why yes, our Lady Queen has been expecting a delivery. This way," the attendant got out from behind the help desk to escort them to a carriage.

With the pies loaded, the carriage took them through the royal city, and the gang finalized their plan. "We deliver the pies, then roam the farm to spy. We need to find a scandal, and if we can't find one…we make one," Lightning said and handed everyone a black backpack.

Serah opened her backpack and saw the contents. "We are NOT planting bombs!" she said and tossed the backpack out the window.

Vanille opened her backpack too, "Your Atelier Versace dress?"

"Wrong one," Lightning said and gave her another backpack.

"Glass marbles!?"

Hope opened his backpack to see what sabotage equipment he would be in charge of, but was simultaneously disappointed and relieved when he saw it was just filled with his bottles of medications, asthma inhalers, and sugar-free chocolate chip cookies. "Yee!"

"Wait! So you're saying we deliver the pies, then roam the farm to spy. We need to find a scandal, and if we can't find one…we make one?" Tidus tried to clarify. He wasn't used to sabotage, back in Zanarkand he was so good at blitzball that he never had to resort to sabotage to get his blitzpoints.

"That is _literally_ word-for-word what I said," Lightning got impatient.

Within the a few minutes they reached the Rabanastre Chocobo Farm….more like ZOO. The place was huge, and there was a line to get in line for the line! There was so many people, you'd think it were Bodhum New Years Eve 2010. The gang got off of the carriage with the boxes and got in the huge line since they didn't know where to go.

It was only less than a minute until Snow got bored and started setting up a game.

"You are NOT going to play Twister on the concrete," Lightning said.

"No promises!" Snow said as he, Serah, Vanille, and Hope proceeded to play Twister on the concrete.

"Left hand GREEN!" Sazh said, taking control of the spinny wheel. After a few turns Snow was in an upside down U-shape with Hope underneath.

"Hope, get out of there! Snow falls, you're done for. And don't think I'm going to cover for you if Nora asks why her son is in a coma," Lightning said; she was tough, because she cares.

"But I think I can win!" Hope said; too often has he been second place, and most often last place.

"Sazh, right foot red. _Do it_," Fang said evilly.

"Uh…Right foot red?" Sazh obeyed, disregarding the spinny wheel, causing everyone to fall.

"AH!" Hope said as he got crushed in the inevitable avalanche.

"Oh no! I swear I didn't know!" Sazh said and helped rescue Hope from underneath Snow, Serah, and Vanille on top.

"I got a boo-boo!" Hope cried a little from scraping his knee.

"WHAT did I tell you?" Lightning grabbed him by the arm forcefully. "You're going to write a letter to your mom _right now_ telling her what you did," she demanded and gave him a pencil and paper.

Hope started crying even more, "Deerest M-m-m-mother," his hand stuttered. "2day my frends and me went to Rabanasster. whee pleyed twi$ter on the concreete, even tho litening told us not two. i did snot listen and Scraped my nee. I M so sorree! Wen I visit hoüm I promise to peint the walls pink since dad dosnt want too," Hope wrote his daily letter.

After two hours they finally reached the front of the line and were greeted by the ticket boy Vaan. "Yo bros! Welcome to the Rabanastre Chocobo Farm, where our chocobos are DANK and pimpin'! For 10 people the entrance fee is 200gil," Vaan counted and party and rang them up on an actual cash register.

"WHAT!?" everyone said, appalled that this farm charged over twice what they did.

Fang tried to handle the situation. "Young lad, have you not the wish to reach your 18th birthday? Continue as you are, and we'll be roasting you for supper," Fang tried to speak fancy again.

Sazh pushed her aside, "Look kiddo, we're here to deliver your powpoo pies. We don't know where to go so can you please let us in for the delivery."

"BREH, you should have said that in the first place!" Ticket Boy Vaan said and went to open the gate to the behind-the-scenes area of the farm. They were taken through a dark alley and into the kitchen of the farm's food court, which was entirely run by moogles.

"How much are they paying you?" Lightning whispered to a nearby moogle.

"Nothing but a roof over our heads and kupo nuts for dinner," the moogle answered and returned to work.

"They're exploiting moogles for slave labor?" Hope asked, ready to dial Midgar News to report the scoop.

"That's no scandal! That's capitalism," Sazh taught Hope a new word.

After dropping off the pies in the kitchen, the gang browsed the food court.

"NO WAY. Serah, they got takoyaki!" Snow got excited; they'd only ever seen it in the animes.

"And mochi!" Serah's inner weeaboo started to show.

Hope tried to buy some cotton candy, but was promptly stopped by Lightning. "You are NOT buying that."

"I am not buying that!" Hope yelled at the cashier moogle and ran away.

Tidus was having a hard time deciding on what to buy, mostly because he had no clue what the words meant. "Hey Noct, what's 'escargot'?"

"You mean snails?"

"SWEET!" Tidus said, happy that he could finally have one of his favorite Zanarki snacks once more.

After subconsciously giving business to their rivals, the gang ate their food and got in line for the tour; the tour bus was an AIR SHIP.

"Hurry on, this ship waits for no one, not even me," Balthier hurried the passengers onto the tour ship before Fran could 'accidentally' start flying away mid-boarding. After everyone took their seats, Balthier took center stage with the intercom. "Good day and welcome to the Rabanastre Chocobo Farm's world famous Air Ship Safari. I am your leading man, Balthier, and my amazonian partner on the wheel, Fran."

"DO NOT I repeat, DO NOT open the emergency exits unless it is an emergency," Fran warned over the intercom.

"Snow!" Serah said.

"Aw man!" Snow said and closed the emergency exit door he was in the middle of fiddling with.

The ship started sailing over the huge farm, "To your right you will see our world famous chocobo sanctuary, complete with a forest, a desert, a snow storm, and a prairie so no chocobo feels far from home, wherever he may be from," Balthier said. "Yes, madame?" he called on Lightning, who was raising her hand and preparing for a roast.

'Damn, this one knows how to address a woman,' Lightning thought, impressed. "I heard you obtain your chocobo from poachers, who trap them with claw cages and force feed them poison," she said loud and clear.

"Madame, I can assure you whoever told you that balderdash is clearly misinformed, as we breed our chocobos in-house," Balthier quickly rebutted. "Yes, you in the half-pants-half-shorts?"

Tidus stood up from his seat with a megaphone, ready for war. "I came here one week ago and I was discriminated against for my religious orientation. You guys are racist!" he lied.

"You must be confusing us for the Farron Sisters' farm, as we were closed last week for national holiday," Balthier quickly shut him down. He then confiscated the megaphone from Tidus, who gave it up without a fight.

The air ship then sailed by the chocobo race track. "To your left we have our world famous chocobo race track, complete with underground tunnels and waterslides," Balthier explained.

"Dang! You guys got anything that ISN'T world famous?" Sazh said.

"Of course, our pink glitter chocobos are _universe_ famous," Balthier answered.

"We have ALIENS come visit to see them," Fran added.

"Oh my gosh!" Vanille got super excited.

Fang tried her luck at creating a scandal, "You're lost in the woods and haven't eaten for days, you see a freshly deceased chocobo laying on the side of the road. Do you give it a proper Oerban burial complete with dance and song, or roast it for _dinner_?"

"Easy, perform the Oerban burial. Fran is acquainted with a fellow from Oerba, what's her name again?" Balthier answered.

"Poppy, she's quite a strange one," Fran said.

"POPPY!?

"OH MY GOD," Vanille said; Poppy was her long lost twin.

After the failed attempts at creating a scandal, the air ship finally landed on deck and the gang decided to split up to "spy" on the other attractions. Serah, Snow, Vanille, and Hope went over to the petting zoo.

"Serah, look! It's a dancing monkey!" Snow spotted the primate from the exhibit.

"AND THE PINK GLITTER BABY CHOCOBOS!" Vanille went ballistic and hopped the fence into exhibit.

The others decided to actually get in line like normal people and were greeted by the attendant, Penelo. "Hello, please take off your shoes. Chocobo greens are a flat fee of 50 gil to feed the animals."

"Wow, that's even more money us!" Hope exclaimed then was promptly poked by Serah's elbow. "I mean- GUS! Our plumber, he, um, charges less for his services, then, um, you guys charge for greens."

They declined on the chocobo greens and proceeded to pet the baby chocobos and monkey. "Snow, don't feed it the takoyaki!" Serah warned as Snow was playing with the dancing monkey.

"No promises!" Snow said and proceeded to feed it a leftover ball of takoyaki from his pocket, causing the monkey to start choking. "Uh…" he said and walked away.

Hope was petting one of the glitter baby chocobos when a young lad walked over by him. "You too fancy the glittery ones?" the lad said.

"Yeah, they are pretty fancy huh," Hope replied and saw the lad's decorative dress. "Are you from around here? I'm visiting with my co-workers, we're from Cocoon. My name's Hope."

"Pleased to meet you Hope," the lad curtseyed deeply. "My name's Larsa Ferrinas Solidor. I'm here with my older brother; he's scouting for a wife. I'd much rather entertain myself with the birds though. Say, I've never met anyone from Cocoon. Would you do me the honor of becoming penpals with me?" Larsa asked.

"Uh, sure!" Hope agreed and exchanged snail mail addresses with Larsa.

In the meanwhile, Tidus and Noctis were spying at the chocobo races; it wasn't professional chocobo racing like at the Gold Saucer, it was a free for all, Go Kart-type experience.

"If I win, you're washing my car," Noctis said as he mounted a black chocobo.

"Well if _I_ win, you're giving me your car!" Tidus said and mounted a gold chocobo.

"DEAL," Noctis agreed.

The referee started the race and the two started dashing until Tidus got a phone call. "It's Yuna!" Tidus said and halted the chocobo. "Faksheet! What's up?" he answered. In a matter of seconds security guards came over to him.

"You are under arrest for spewing profanity at this family friendly facility," the guards in armor said and chained him in handcuffs.

"What!?" Tidus was forced to end his call with Yuna. "I was just talking to my wife! 'Faksheet' is Zanarki for 'darling'!"

"Tell that to the Judge," the guards said and yanked him off the chocobo.

Noctis had just finished the race track when he saw Tidus being escorted away in handcuffs. "You have got to be kidding me," he said and chased after.

In the meanwhile, Lightning, Fang, and Sazh were at the casino having some fun at the slot machines.

"These things are rigged!" Fang said after having blown a lot of gil without winning even once.

"Practice makes perfect," Lightning replied and stuffed all her winnings in a large potato sack to later redeem for ca$h.

Dajh pulled on Sazh's coat. "daddy there's a chocobo lady over there," he pointed at the exotic performer dancing by a pole.

"Oh my God! That's a great idea!" Sazh stopped playing on the slot machines and went to take pictures of the costume and came back. "We gotta get ourselves one of those chocobo dancers."

"Unless we kidnap someone or Serah takes some dance lessons, I'm not paying for it," Lightning said. "If Noct volunteers though…"

"Volunteers for what?" Vanille said as she, Hope, Serah, and Snow entered the casino and caught up with the adults.

"Any scoop?" Lightning asked them.

"Well I SCOOPED up a little something something," Vanille said and showed them the glitter baby chocobo she had stolen and hid in her nut sack.

"OH YEAH!" they rejoiced.

"They got a dancing monkey at the petting zoo! Which I may or may NOT have killed. We need to get ourselves some jungle animals, I vote for snakes!" Snow reported.

"No jungle animals," Lightning shot him down. "Did you take any notes?" she asked Serah.

"Yeah, but I mean, the girl just said 'hello' and told us the prices for greens. I don't think that's any better than what I do at our petting zoo," Serah said. "But she was dressed like a Leather Mama-"

"You'll be dressing like a Leather Mama then."

"NO!"

Just then, a man with long hair and an entourage entered the casino. "Th-that's! Vayne Solidor! Consul of Rabanastre, and son of Emperor Gramis!" Sazh said.

"Oh! I met his brother at the petting zoo, he said that Vayne's looking for a wife," Hope said.

"NO YOU'RE NOT!" Serah quickly told her sister.

"YES I AM," Lightning said and pulled everyone into a group huddle. "This is our chance. I'm the Baroness of Bodhum, sexy, widowed, and single. Sazh and Snow, you two are my slaves. Serah, Hope, and Vanille are my ugly stepchildren and Fang is the governess. Any questions?"

"What the _hell _is a governess?" Fang asked.

"I am NOT going to be your slave!" Sazh said.

"They're coming!" Vanille said.

Snow and Sazh quickly took a lounge chair from the nearby VIP area to use as a makeshift sedan chair, and carried it on their shoulders with Lightning on top.

Vayne and his entourage spotted Lightning atop the sedan chair and approached. "My, my. Madame, I am afraid I have not yet made acquaintance with your fine self. Forgive me for my ignorance. I am Vayne Solidor, Consul of Rabanastre. Your name?"

"Madame Lightning de Farron. Baroness of Bodhum," she lied.

'_Oh my God,_' Serah face-palmed.

"Madame, may I ask where is this Bodhum you speak of?" Vayne asked.

"Stop there you HEATHEN! You don't dare question our lady Baroness, lest you desire BLOOD on your coattails, and URINE on your pantaloons!" Fang said, trying to play her part of the governess.

"It's in Cocoon! Lots of beaches, bars, and BABES! That's where I met Serah. You should really come visit!" Snow interrupted.

"Bad slave!" Lightning said and smacked him upside the head. "Well Consul, of you're done wasting my precious time, I have much more important matters to attend to," she dared to play hard to get.

"No please! Madame, you see I am searching for a wife. If it is not too forward of me, may I have your address? Or better yet as you Cocoon folk prefer, your phone number?"

'_OH YEAH_,' Lightning thought. "No."

"Please, Madame!" Vayne pleaded once more and got down on one knee.

"Governess," Lightning agreed.

Fang took out a piece of paper, wrote down the phone number, and gave it to a member of Vayne's entourage. "You hurt her, you're DEAD."

"Fantastic! Madame, as you Cocoon folk like to say, 'I will text you later,'" Vayne saluted and excused himself and his entourage.

The instant the suitors were out of sight, Sazh and Snow put down the chair. "My back!" Sazh ached.

"WHY are you so determined to land yourself so many sugar daddies!? You should just find yourself a nice boyfriend and call it a day!" Serah said.

"Says the girl that married a buffoon," Lightning replied.

"Hey! Baboons are beautiful, majestic creatures! Show some respect," Snow said.

A few moments later, Noctis ran into the casino. "Tidus got arrested."

"Of COURSE he did!" Sazh wasn't even surprised.

"Who?" Lightning asked, confused.

"You know, the blonde kid, 'I won't go so easy on you next time'?" Fang reminded her.

"You mean Typo?"

"You weren't able to bail him out?" Serah asked Noctis. "Didn't you tell them you're the Prince of Lucis?"

"I'd rather not blow my cover," Noctis said; all he wanted was to live a normal life, even if it meant working minimum wage at a second-rate chocobo farm.

The gang left the casino together and headed over to the Rabanastre farm's jail. It wasn't really a jail, more like a DUNGEON. The building was made of stone bricks, and when they went inside they saw Tidus and another prisoner shackled up in huge bird cages.

Judge Gabranth approached them, "You here for the crazy one?"

"What did he do now?" they asked.

"He was spewing profanities in the middle of the chocobo races! With the children around!" Judge Gabranth explained.

"I'm telling you, I was talking to my wife on the phone! 'Faksheet' is Zanarki for 'darling'!" Tidus said once more.

"Silence! Zanarkand was destroyed ages ago. You are a lunatic," the judge whacked the cage, causing it to rock back and forth violently.

"He's not crazy, he's just weird. Now give him back to us so we can go home," Lightning demanded.

"Says who?" The judge rebutted.

The gang left the jail, then came back in with their sedan chair set up. "Says the Baroness of Bodhum!" Fang answered.

"She really _is_ a beauty," Judge Gabranth said after having heard the rumor from Vayne. "Fine, take the boy," he agreed and let Tidus out of the cage.

"Woohoo!" Tidus celebrated his freedom.

The other prisoner called out, "Lady Baroness, please, you must get me out!"

"Hey, that's Basch fon Ronsenburg, traitor of Dalmasca, and murderer or King Raminas!" Sazh said.

"I did not kill him! Please get me out, for the sake of Dalmasca," Basch pleaded once more.

"Don't listen to him, he's supposed to be DEAD anyways," Sazh said.

The gang started to leave the jail, still holding up the sedan chair. "No, stop!" Lightning said when she realized the door out was much too small. Her face hit the stone wall and she fell off the chair.

"Oh no, sorry Light!" Sazh and Snow, the slaves, apologized.

"SIS!" Serah screamed and went to her side. "Oh my God, don't look at your legs!"

"My legs?" she said and looked at her legs. Her knees were bent up in an 'L' shape. "DEAR ODIN," she said and passed out.

Lightning woke up hours later in the farm's infirmary and was being tended to by some nurse moogles.

"Madame!" the charge nurse moogle said when she finally woke up. "You broke both your legs, arms and all your ribs. My team and I put you in a full body cast, you need to stay in it for at least two months. Your entourage is outside waiting, will you allow them to visit you?"

"No!" Lightning said, not wanting them to see her in the embarrassing full body cast, but it was too late; at that exact moment Snow barged down the door.

"SIS!"

"BOSS!"

"MY LADY!" they said and ran to her side. "HAHAHAHA!" they then laughed at her.

"This is what you get for lying and pretending to be someone you're not!" Serah said.

"I regret nothing," Lightning replied.

"Wait! What does that mean for the farm? If Serah takes care of Light, who's going to be the manager?" Hope realized.

"I got an idea, why don't we take turns being the manager?" Tidus proposed. "Who wants to go first? Not me!"

"NOT ME!" everyone but Fang said.

"Alright fine, but don't blame me if you don't agree with my ways. The Oerban way is quite backwards, even for Zanarki standards," Fang agreed.

The owner of the Rabanstre farm entered the room to apologize for the incident. "Madame Lightning de Farron, I am Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca, owner of this establishment and princess of Dalmasca. I am so sorry to hear about your fall. Please accept this gift as a token of our remorse," she said and handed over a basket of dull stones.

"That's deifacted nethicite!" Sazh realized.

"Well Ashelia, thanks but no thanks. I'm not interested in stones unless they are colorful and shiny," Lightning declined.

"Then please, accept these," Ashe handed over another basket, filled with precious gems and metals.

"OH YEAH."

Next time: With Lightning crippled, the gang must manage the farm themselves!

-end-

Twister on the concrete was an ACTUAL thing I witnessed at Anime Expo '08, holy frick did it look painful! Btw, FF12 is the hardest FF for me, and that's coming from someone who loves the notorious DS version of FF4.

Please leave me a review! Thank you so much CustomEyes (Even I don't know when Lightning will ever remember Tidus' name!) and Cookiekupo (mucho gusto! Hope will be writing a lot more letters now).

See you all next year ^_-


	29. Chapter 29: Magic Show

Note: Do not try this at home! Or anywhere, DON'T DO THIS!

Chapter 29: Magic Show

The next morning everyone was back at the farm getting ready to face a day of business without their pink haired managers. It was almost opening time and Fang was still getting dressed.

In the meanwhile the employees were getting acquainted with their new chocobos in the stables. As Sazh was strapping on the saddles, a yellow baby chocobo flew out of his afro.

"potato chip!" Dajh exclaimed.

"THAT'S where it went!?" Sazh said, surprised he had been housing Dajh's lost pet this whole time.

"I believe that belongs to ME," Vanille confiscated Potato Chip for the petting zoo, which he was now in charge of in place of Serah.

Fang finally came out of the house wearing a butt-load of beaded necklaces, bracelets, and a ceremonial feathered headdress. "MEETING INSIDE. NOW!" she declared.

"Give me a minute!" Tidus said as he finished scrubbing Noctis' car from the inside out. There were Cheetos crumbs everywhere, even on the windshield wipers.

Everyone, including the staff of Kairi's Kitchen, settled inside the living room for the conference.

Fang started the conference, "All right! You guys asked for it, so Queen Fang is in charge. Per Oerban tradition, the crowning of a new queen requires a ceremonial voodoo ritual. So tonight we are performing a magic show!"

"Why!? Why can't we just have a normal day of business? I did NOT wake up this morning ready for a magic show," Vanille said; she needed at least 2 nights for preparation.

"But you're only in charge for one day, you'll be getting dethroned by tomorrow!" Sazh said.

"Not without a FIGHT I'm not," Fang threatened.

"A magic show!? My mom's gonna KILL me!" Hope said; Nora would sue them if she found out Hope was getting involved with the dark arts.

"Awesome! I too have a few _twicks_ up my sleeves," Snow said with a lisp and rolled up his coat sleeve, revealing several Twix bars. "I wanna do the grand finale! ME ME ME!" he said and jumped up and down on the couch.

From inside the bedroom, Serah could hear her husband making a commotion. But she had much more serious matters to attend to; being her sister's slave. It took all Serah had in her to not burst out laughing at Lightning's full body cast whenever she entered the room. "Vayne just texted," Serah said as she sat by her bedridden sister's side, now in charge of her cellphone. "He says, 'Madame, I wish you a speedy recovery. What are your favorite flowers?'"

"Tell him, 'New phone who dis?'" Lightning said and thought for a moment. "Blue roses."

"Blue roses don't even exist!" Serah said but complied, figuring it was probably a test of Vayne's devotion.

After the accident Sora had gifted her a Sleep Number® mattress and Noctis a voice command ceiling lamp; she was ready to cash in on her sugar daddies. "Text Zack Fair, 'Zack, dear, I got in a terrible accident. I don't think I have much time," Lightning requested. "And tell Auron and Laguna, 'Hey, I got in a terrible accident. Send me a check in the mail.'"

"Christ!" Serah said when she opened up Lightning's message history and saw the sacrilege she commits via text. "Zack replied, 'Oh no! Aeris and I will be praying for you, stay strong and whatever happens, protect your honor as SOLDIER.'"

"He is _so_ sweet."

Back in the living room, Fang had agreed to make Snow the grand finale. "Since those deep pockets at the Rabanastre Farm have been stealing our customers, we need to make an _impact_, and do a magic trick so dangerous that everyone and their mother talk about it on their deathbed," Fang continued.

"Y-you're not…thinking about THAT are you?" Vanille said, horrified.

"Snow is going to perform…The BOMB."

Vanille shat her underpants and ran out the door.

"Sweet!" Snow said.

Fang got serious, "Snow, I know you already agreed to it, but are you SURE you want to do this?"

"Heck yeah! I gotta do all I can to upstage that Zack Fair fool," Snow said, determined to become the one, true hero.

Sazh had read about The Bomb in some history books and was concerned, "Snow! This is crazy dangerous, people in ancient times have DIED performing The Bomb!"

"People die every day!" Snow rebutted.

"Then it's settled," Fang said. "I'll be doing the middle acts, and Noct, I need you to do a few teleporting tricks for the opening act," Fang said to Noctis, who had fallen asleep standing up in a corner of the living room. "Hope's making the flyers, Sazh and Tidus are building the props, and Vanille's my assistant."

"ALLELUJAH!" Tidus said, happy that he was being addressed by his actual name.

"KK, what are you making for the show tonight?" Fang asked the staff of Kairi's Kitchen. Riku has threatened to leak Kairi's secret to the media if Sora continued their mail order scheme, so Sora reluctantly agreed to keep KK as a mortar-and-brick establishment exclusive to the farm.

"Beans and Wieners, served with Eggnog," Sora said. Every morning Sora, Kairi, and Riku stop by the grocery store on their way to the farm to pick up whatever is on sale; this morning it was cans of beans, hot dog wieners, and eggs.

"Great! Let's get to work then. Show starts at 8pm," Fang said and went outside to retrieve Vanille, who had probably ran deep into the forest to hide.

As the gang got to work Noctis finally woke up and Tidus filled him in on the plan, "We're doing a magic show tonight and Fang needs you to do some teleporting tricks!"

"Finally, my time has COME," Noctis said and dashed to his car to retrieve his Yu-Gi-Oh! Dark Magician cosplay.

Hope booted up his laptop to make the fliers. "Majik show Farron Farm. Tonite 8/7 Central. B-ware, we r not responcible for deth or injurees," he wrote on a Word document.

Sora came over from overseeing Riku's work in the kitchen, "Add,_ Kairi's Kitchen serving Beans and Weiners. Show this flier for a free photo op with Kairi!_" he suggested.

"Uh, sure!" Hope agreed and printed out 200 copies.

Tidus came into the house with the mail, "Letter for Hope Estheim!"

"Thanks!" Hope said and opened the wax sealed letter. It read:

_Hope Estheim,_

_I heard the terrible news of your landowner's injury, my brother is worried sick and broke the unspoken wait-three-days-before-texting rule of Cocoon. My condolences. What if your home life like? Do you Cocoon folk really worship the fal'Cie? What Cocoon dishes would you recommend I try? I am awaiting your response. _

_Sincerely, _

_Larsa Ferrinas Solidor_

Hope took a leaf of lined paper and a coloring pencil to respond. "hi Larsa! I think she is okie. My house in palumpolum is kool, I hav my own room with a WiiU and teevee. My family worships Jeezus Kreisst. I sujest mac n cheese," he wrote.

Tidus went into the bedroom with a large package addressed to Lightning. "Package for boss!"

Serah opened the box, revealing a large arrangement of blue roses and a pink purse. "How did he get these so fast!?" Serah said, surprised by Vayne's devotion. "He left a letter too, 'Madame, these roses were a nightmare to track down. I hope they are up to your standards. Please also accept this Hermes Birkin bag' OH MY GOD," Serah exclaimed and took a look at the 100K purse.

"Dayum," Lightning said, slightly impressed.

Back outside, Fang had retrieved Vanille and was coordinating the tricks with Snow and Noctis. "You are NOT wearing that," Fang said when she saw Noctis in his Dark Magician cosplay.

"No cosplay, no tricks," Noctis said.

"Fine!" Fang agreed. "Vanille, care to explain The Bomb to our star here?"

Vanille _hated_ witnessing The Bomb. "You dose yourself in gasoline, get on top of a high place, and jump down to a pit of fire, surrounded by several rings of gasoline on the ground, creating a huge explosion. In Oerba we thought it was a portal to 4th dimension because you disappear. But it's because you DIE!"

"OH MY GOD!" Snow exclaimed, and understood why Fang had Sazh and Tidus start building a 100-foot tall diving board in the middle of the corral. "I-I'm out!"

"Not _everyone_ dies! There was one person who survived The Bomb, and they became a local legend," Fang said.

"You were a legend for like TWO days!" Vanille said. "If you're so confident, YOU do it again!"

"I've done my deed, it's this boy's turn to become the next hero," Fang insisted.

"Um, if you want I'll do it and teleport out right before I land," Noctis offered.

Snow was too busy crying to hear the offer; he always wanted to be a hero like his Peepaw, but never had the chance after he became homeless. He could risk it all now and become the hero he's always wanted to be, or back out and dissolve into obscurity of the unknown. "I-I _have_ to do this. I have to make Peepaw and Serah proud. And if I don't survive…at least I'll see Peepaw again in heaven!" Snow cried once more.

"What? Didn't you tell me your grandfather saved an orphanage of children in WWII? How is surviving The Bomb going to make him proud?" Noctis realized.

When Sazh and Tidus finished building the diving board, they went with Hope to the nearby towns to post the fliers advertising the magic show.

"REALLY Hope?" Sazh saw Hope's typos on the flier when they had already reached the city.

"This is what happens when you put me in charge of anything with words!" Hope said; in his defense, they should have expected this.

As the three were putting up the fliers all around town, Tidus recognized a certain somebody he did not want to see. "OH MY YEVON," he said when he saw Lulu window shopping with Wakka.

"Lu! I'm telling you, black is not your color, you'd look great in pink ya!" Wakka said as they stood outside a Victoria's Secret.

"Not interested," Lulu said and moved on. She saw Tidus looking right at her. "You!" she went over to Tidus, removed one of her belts, and whipped him. "The dishes have been sitting in the sink all morning and the laundry is still outside. Where have you been?"

When Tidus washed up on Besaid, Lulu took him in as her housekeeper in exchange for shelter. Although that led to his relationship with Yuna and friendship with Wakka, Tidus tries to spend as little time at Lulu's place as possible. When he gets back home from work at the farm late at night, he does his slave duties, goes to bed, and then wakes up early to leave before Lulu awakens. This lifestyle was a ton easier than staying at her place all day; Lightning was a saint compared to Lulu.

"I told you! I'm working to save up to move out of your place with Yuna and start our own family," Tidus reminded her.

"You wish. I'll have you neutered before that happens. And I set up a date for Yuna with a rising black mage for tonight. You better start getting your divorce papers ready," Lulu threatened.

"Lu! Vivi's like 4-feet tall, Yuna ain't gonna be cool with that!" Wakka said.

"WHAT!?" Tidus said.

"Lulu, it's been so long! You look fantastic, did you lose weight?" Sazh said.

"Thank you for noticing, nice to see you too," Lulu said. "What's these fliers you are posting?"

"NO!" Tidus said.

"We're having a magic show at the farm, it's going to be insane, they're doing The Bomb. We'd love for you to join us!" Sazh said.

"NO NO NO!" Tidus said and ripped the flier from Sazh's hand.

Hope handed Lulu a flier from his pile. "This is perfect. The Bomb was the climax of my Oerban ancestors' witchcraft, and it will be a perfect first date for Yuna and Vivi. We will all be there," Lulu said and excused herself to continue window shopping with Wakka.

"Do you realize what you've just DONE!?" Tidus got hysterical. "She's going to find out where I work and try to wreck my marriage! I've been telling her I work at a sewage plant so she doesn't come looking for me!" he shook Sazh.

"You'll be fine kiddo. Just get yourself in college and get a degree in something fancy and Yuna will be yours forever!" Sazh reassured Tidus.

"With my sub-minimum wage job!?"

The three returned back to the farm when it was getting close to dusk and there were already people in line for the magic show. Hope got to his station at the ticket booth to admit the tourists.

"Can I really get a picture with Kairi?" a customer asked Hope.

"Yeah, just show them the flier!" Hope said and pointed to KK's booth that had two lines forming; one for food and one for the photo-op with Kairi.

Tidus was doing janitorial duties when he bumped into Yuna and Vivi. "Oh! This must be your….date."

"Vivi, this is my husband, Tidus," Yuna said; she was far too nice to turn down the date with Vivi, but made it clear to him that she was a married woman.

"Nice to meet you!" Vivi said and shook Tidus hand; Tidus was touched by Vivi's honest, friendly innocence.

"What's happening?" Serah thought when she heard the commotion from outside. She opened the bedroom window and got a perfect view of the corral and the diving board. "Oh! They're going to do a magic show!"

"Lame," Lightning said.

As the customers were surrounding the corral with their beans and wieners and eggnog from Kairi's Kitchen in hand, Fang, Vanille, Snow, and Noctis were busy finishing up their preparations for the show inside the barn. Snow was sitting at a corner, crying, and reeked of gasoline.

"This is it! Don't disappoint me, make Mama Fang proud!" Fang gave some final words of encouragement. Vanille went over to Snow and recited some prayers.

Tidus went into the middle of the corral with his megaphone to start the show. "Hello and welcome to the Farron Sister's Chocobo Farm and our first and ONLY magic show! Can I get a woot woot?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" the crowd cheered.

"We're going to be blowing up this place tonight! It's going to be BOMB-bastic. Can I get an oh yeah?"

"Woot woot!" the crowd cheered.

"First is our Master of Teleportation, he said to give this trash bag to someone…so here!" Tidus gave the empty large black trash bag to Yuna in the audience. "Give it up for….Sitcon!" Tidus announced Noctis for the opening act.

At the blink of an eye, Dark Magician Noctis appeared on top of the diving board, jumped off, disappeared in midair, and then ripped himself out from inside the trash bag.

"Dear Yevon!" Yuna got a mini-heart attack,

"YEAHHHH!" The crowd cheered as Noctis took in the glory then disappeared.

"Who _is_ he?" Lulu said, very impressed. If Vivi doesn't work out for Yuna, this mysterious magician might.

"Cool!" Serah said from inside the bedroom.

"He does that every day," Lightning said, not impressed.

"Next up are our living Oerban relics, Fang and Vanille! Give them a woot woot!" Tidus announced.

"YEAH YEAH!"

Fang and Vanille took center stage in the corral for the voodoo trick. Vanille stood in front of the diving board and Fang tied her to it with some rope. "Behold! What you are about to witness is the ancient Oerban art of Voodoo, performed by some to heal, by most to torture, by me to _amaze_," Fang called out without the megaphone.

"What's she saying?" Lightning asked Serah from inside their spot in the bedroom.

"I don't know, I can't hear her," Serah said.

"My lovely assistant Vanille, is single and taking boyfriend applications after the show, will be the victim for this ritual," Fang said, then proceeded to stab the red-haired corn husk voodoo doll with clothes pins, causing Vanille to start bleeding from the respective area.

"EW!"

"GROSS!"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" the audience members gasped. Yuna barfed a little and Lulu took notes.

"Cool," Lightning said.

"SAVE HER SAVE HER SAVE HER!" the audience started chanting, demanding that Vanille be untied and let free, and started throwing their bowls of beans and wieners at them.

"Damn it! This is what happens when you try to show culture to white people!" Fang got upset and left the stage with Vanille.

Tidus got ready to introduce the finale, "Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for…. Prepare to have your MINDS BLOWN as we drop this BOMB!" he announced with the megaphone.

"YEAHHH!"

"What's with all these bomb puns?" Serah wondered.

Just then Hope walked into the bedroom to retrieve his rosary. "Snow's going to the Oerban bomb trick," he answered Serah's question.

"You mean the one when you jump into the bonfire and explode?" Lightning clarified.

"WHAT!?" Serah panicked.

"Yeah! They doused Snow in car gas and he's going to jump off that hundred-foot high diving board," Hope explained and got down on both knees to pray for Snow's soul.

"OH MY GOD!" Serah said as she saw Tidus dousing the ground with several rings of gasoline and starting a small bonfire in the middle.

"YES!" Lightning exclaimed. THIS was it, THIS was the end of Snow Villiers, THIS was happily ever after.

Serah ran out the house before it was too late. "SNOW STOP!" she yelled but was drowned out by the crowd and Lightning chanting "Drop the bomb! Drop the bomb!" as Snow climbed up the ladder.

"Lulu, what's going to happen?" Yuna turned to her guardian.

"He's going to explode, if he survives, he'll be a living legend. If he doesn't, he'll have made it to the 4th dimension," Lulu explained. Yuna got very uncomfortable.

Snow stood atop the diving board, bracing himself to become _The Bomb_. He looked at the crowd and their contagious energy, then saw Serah's ridiculously luminous hair shining bright. "SERAH!"

She held up a large poster that said 'DON'T DO IT!'

Lightning saw this through the window and made Hope go outside with another poster that said 'DO IT!'

Just then, several Shinra helicopters flew onto the premises; Yuna had called the Bomb Squad. One flew over Snow and dropped a rope ladder. "Hop on! Your life and honor are way more important than some magic trick!" Zack Fair called out to Snow as he climbed down the ladder and held his hand out for him.

Snow looked at Zack and finally understood what it meant to be a real hero. It wasn't about the fame and gossip The Bomb would have made him; it's about the bravery and virtue of saving people's lives and touching their kokoros. Snow took Zack's hand and climbed onto the rope ladder.

"YEAH!" the crowd and Serah cheered at the heroic rescue.

"DAMMIT!" Lightning yelled. "Hope, in the closet, get my sniper rifle. Kill the man that's rescuing Snow," she demanded.

Hope got the rifle, pointed it towards the rope ladder, and then panicked. "I-It's Zack Fair!"

Everything in Lightning's life led up to this moment. Does she hate Snow more than she adores Zack Fair? Or cherish Zack more? "Shoot the Yeti!"

Everything in Hope's life led up to this moment. Does he devote himself to Lightning, his goddess, more than his faith in the Holy Trinity? Or does he disobey her, and risk getting shunned?

Just then Sazh walked into the room and realized what was happening. "Dear lord!" Everything in the last few months of Sazh's life led up to this moment. Should he stop Hope, and save him from federal persecution. Or leave him to himself, to make his own mistakes?

Serah saw Hope crying and clutching the rifle through the window and ran back inside to confiscate it. "I can't believe this! For one day I leave them alone and Snow almost gets killed and Hope almost commits murder!" Serah said.

Zack and his team dropped off Snow in a safe area then flew away onto their next mission. The crowd surrounded him and started throwing him in the air in glee.

"But he didn't even explode!" Fang said, confused as to why the crowd was so happy.

"You don't have to explode to become a success story," Vanille explained. "They're happy that he didn't succumb to the peer pressure."

A small boy with a bitzball and sharpie approached Snow. "Can I have your autograph?"

"Sure kiddo!" Snow said and started giving out several more autographs.

"Hey! Those are 20 bucks each," Sora said and started collecting the money from the fans.

"Where is he?" Lulu said as she searched the crowd for Noctis.

Serah was trying to squeeze through the crowd but kept getting pushed aside. "SERAHHH!" Snow yelled and made his way through to get to her.

"Snowey bear!" she said when he grabbed her and spun her around like a rag doll.

Reno, Elena, and Rude made their way to Snow to snatch an interview. "Reno of Shinra News. What were you thinking up there on that diving board?"

Rude shoved the camera in Snow's face. "To be honest, I was thinking of Serah's awesome homemade horchata!" Snow answered. Sora kicked him with his huge shoes. "And Kairi's Kitchen's beans and wieners!"

Next time: With Noctis in charge, the farm needs to get their crap together. How will they spend their newly _un_approved renovation budget?

-end-

Happy new year to you all! This and the next few chapters were inspired by the show Nathan for You, my sister introduced it to me and I highly recommend it!

Please leave me a review with thoughts or comments. Thank you CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time ^_-


	30. Chapter 30: Shopping Spree

Chapter 30: Shopping Spree

It was 1 AM as Tidus was sitting in Yuna's 2001 Toyota Corolla being driven back home after the magic show. He would have left earlier if it hadn't taken him so long to clean up all the gasoline he poured in the corral for The Bomb. He and Yuna were listening to Avril Lavigne's hit song Sk8ter Boi on the radio.

"He was a sk8ter boi she said c u l8ter boi!" they sang together but were interrupted by Tidus' phone ringing.

"Don't answer, you're done working," Yuna suggested.

"But it's just Hope, he's harmless!" Tidus decided and picked up the phone. "What's up?"

Hope yawned audibly, "Noctis couldn't sleep so he decided to start his day right now. We need you back at the farm for preconference," he relayed the message.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Tidus said; he still had the dishes and laundry to do since the day before and Lulu would literally take away his tableware privileges if he didn't get it done. "Alright I'll be right there!" he decided and hung up. "Sorry Yoonie, they need me back at the farm, tell Lulu she can suck it!"

"I'll just do the chores and keep quiet," Yuna insisted then made an illegal U-turn back towards the farm.

Inside the house the gang was brewing up some coffee for the long night ahead. It was very hard considering they didn't have a coffee maker.

"Ok Vanille, first step is boil the water," Fang read from Hope's laptop.

"The words 'Vanille' and 'boil the water' should NOT be said in the same sentence," Sazh feared for their safety.

"Already boilin'!" Vanille said, after putting the stove on full blast. "Now what?" Hope went over and poured in the 'coffee grinds' he 'found.'

"Oh yeah!" Snow walked over and took the first taste of the 'coffee.' "Well, it ain't TERRIBLE, but you gotta do what you gotta do," he said and chugged the entire mug he served himself.

Sazh gave it a try too, "Boy, you did NOT just put dirt in!"

"I'm sorry! You said to get coffee grinds, what was I supposed to do?" Hope got nervous.

"Ohmygod," Snow panicked. "Nobody tell Serah about this, she's still worried about the whole taste-testing-the-household-cleaners thing!" he warned.

Just then Noctis walked in with a money sack and a coffee cup. "You guys wanted coffee? You should have said something, I just came back from starbucks."

"Oh man!"

Tidus ran through the door and the gang started their preconference at 2AM. Serah walked out of the bedroom wearing hiking gear. "You going somewhere babe?" Snow asked his wife.

"Since Lightning can't take her nightly hikes, I have to do it for her! She picks dragon berries from up the mountain for her morning fruit shake, she says it's the secret to her youth," Serah explained, put on her sister's knee high boots, and walked out to get it over with.

"Dragon berries!? That crap tastes like poison!" Sazh said.

"Anyways," Noctis said and got the whiteboard ready. "I stole a few of Lightning's gems she got at Rabanastre and cashed them in at the pawn shop just now. So we have $1,000 for a renovation budget to spruce up this place. We'll split up the money and you can spend it on anything you need for your duties."

Snow raised his hand, "Do husband duties count? Cuz Serah's been begging me to get a 'grip' and to be honest I'd rather just pay someone else to get one for me."

"FINALLY I can get me some saddles!" Sazh rejoiced.

"But how are we going to split the money? Not all duties are created equal you know," Vanille said.

Noctis took out a board game, "We're playing Monopoly with the real money. You keep the money you earn at the end of the game and we'll take a field trip to Walmart."

"Oh yeah!" they exclaimed.

"Oh no!" Tidus got nervous since he still used to blitzpoints.

They set up the game in the kitchen and Hope made a confession. "Um…Noct, my mom says Lightning has to supervise me if I'm playing with money."

"Well Hope, I think it's time you start supervising yourself," Noctis suggested.

"BurN!" they hollered.

"No!" Hope cried a little; he wasn't ready to grow up yet.

Noctis had to make a quick stop at the pharmacy to pick up his Lunesta refill so the gang started playing the game. In a matter of 15 minutes Snow and Fang had formed a coalition and monopolized all the railroads and half of the properties.

"Darn!" Tidus exclaimed when he landed on Boardwalk with a house on it.

"Well well, that will be $200 mate," Fang read off the card.

"Sazh, can you help out a pal?" Tidus asked.

"I would if I could, but I took a loan from Vanille and she's charging me interest!" Sazh said.

"Where's my money you PUNK?" Vanille got desperate.

"Hmmm Snow, why don't we make this a little _interesting_?" Fang proposed.

"Ok Tidus, we'll let this pass…if you play Truth or Dare!" Snow decided.

"Truth."

"What is your _kink_?" Fang asked.

"What on earth is a kink?" Sazh said, not on board with the youth lingo.

"Well, this is kind of embarassing…but I like nuns…" Tidus confessed.

"What's WRONG with you? So Yuna was the closest thing you found?" Fang shamed him.

"I-I um…"

"This is TOO good!" Snow got excited. "Here's the deal, tell us your kink, and you're immune from Fang and I for one round," he proposed. "Who's next?"

Hope braced himself. "I…like to get stepped on…"

"Is THAT why you use the doormat as a blanket!?" Sazh realized.

"Ew! Lightning steps on you all the time!" Vanille shamed him. "As for me, I'm a closet furry…"

"What the heck!? You should not be in charge of a petting zoo!" Snow laughed.

"Hey! Fang's who likes women in uniform," Vanille spilled the beans.

"You swore never to speak of it!" Fang felt betrayed.

Noctis had walked back in to witness the argument, "I'm gone for 20 minutes and you start kink shaming?"

"Snow started it!" Hope said and wrapped himself in a doormat for comfort.

Noctis printed out a sign that said "THIS IS A NO KINK SHAMING ZONE" and shut down the monopoly game. "Everyone got their money?"

Hope had $50, Vanille $20, Sazh $25, Tidus $180, and Fang and Snow $725. "Oh yeah!" Snow said and gave Fang a high-five.

They hopped in the shuttle and drove to the nearest Walmart. "You know this thing isn't street legal," Noctis reminded Snow, the driver.

"Anything is legal if you try hard enough," Snow rebutted. One time Serah had invited him for a sleepover and Lightning called her coworkers on duty to arrest him for refusing to get out of her house. He was eventually let go after arguing for 2 hours about how trespassing isn't a crime unless you have a sign that says explicitly says "no trespassing."

Snow and Fang dropped everyone off at the entrance then went to the gas station to fill up the shuttle. They were left with over 500 dollars and made their way inside the store. "Well, I mean we could get some decorations, or…a horn?" Fang tried to think of something.

Snow spotted something fabulous amongst the merchandise and ran to it. "Or we can get a POOL!"

"That's croikey!" Fang agreed to the idea.

Hope wanted to buy a chair and umbrella, but didn't have enough money for both. He spotted a strange looking chair in the health section but it was too high up for him to reach. "Excuse me, can I please see that chair up there?" Hope asked an employee with a name tag that said 'Irvine.'

"Wow dude, I wouldn't think someone as young as you would need that, but sure," Irvine agreed and retrieved the chair. "This model has armrests that swivel in and out for easier access. And the under compartment is removable."

"Wow, this is exactly what I need!" Hope said and settled on the 'chair.'

Vanille was in the pet section trying to decide what the petting zoo needed. It was kind of hard considering she actually hasn't had experience with the petting zoo yet. Sazh walked by with two boxes of diapers. "Sazh! Help a girl out! And what's with the diapers?"

"If I can't afford saddles for the rides, I'm making the kids wear diapers. No feces on the feathers, and no mad parents complaining about wait time!" he explained. "Hmm, didn't Serah say people step on the baby chocobos all the time?" he tried to help Vanille out.

"So...something to protect them? Like…HAMSTER BALLS!" she decided and took all the hamster balls she could afford.

Everyone met back at the shuttle with their crap and Tidus came over wearing his new kicks. "These shoes are amazing, they have WHEELS! Traffic control is going to be way less dangerous now," Tidus showed them his new Heelys.

They got back to the farm at 5AM and took a nap in the living room until Noctis woke them up with a gong at 7AM.

"Just because you're an insomniac doesn't mean you can treat us like this!" Vanille complained.

Snow shot up and looked around the house. "Serah STILL isn't back yet? They got her! The chupacabras got her!" Snow panicked and started packing his bags to go look for her up the mountain. Just then Serah walked through the front door. "SERAHHHH!"

Serah saw Noctis' gong, took it, then stormed into the bedroom. "Rise and shine PRINCESS!" she yelled at Lightning, violently hitting the gong. "I got your dragon berries!" she threw the berries to a corner of the room. "I would have appreciated it if you would have told me the dragon berry bush is guarded by CHUPACABRAS and POISON IVY!" she unleased her rage.

"You think _I knew_ the bush was guarded by chupacabras and poison ivy the first time I went? The world's a scary place Serah. The sooner you grow up and learn how to tell the different between benign and poisonous plants the sooner you can stop complaining and playing victim. You think the chupacabras were a curveball? YOU were the curveball. They're just trying to survive and YOU come in and to take away their berries. Of course they're going to fight back. In this world it's kill or be killed. The moment you hesitate and spare even a spider is the moment they decide you're their friend and make you buy their stupid little spider donuts. Then what? You'll never kill a spider again? Doesn't matter anyways, because the spider queen will attack you, and the only way you'll stand a chance is if you show her a spider donut. Odds are you already ate it. Don't you SEE? Are you BLIND? The pacifist route only gets you so far, and it only gets harder and harder since you can't gain EXP. So do want to be 'nice' and constantly get game over? Or slaughter your way through nature, and finish first? You tell me," Lightning said.

Serah shed a tear, "Yes sis," she answered, picked up the dragon berries, and went to make the breakfast shake.

After having a quick breakfast the gang went outside to prepare for their day of business. Hope was opening the box containing the chair when Sazh saw him struggling. "Need some help kiddo?" he said and took off all the needless packaging. "Hope, do you realize what this is!?" Sazh said when he saw the chair that Hope chose for his long hours at the ticket booth.

"What do you mean?" Hope was confused.

"BOY, this is a commode! This is what old people use to go peepee and poopoo because they can't walk all the way to the bathroom!" Sazh tried to explain in simple terms.

"Oh my gosh, I didn't know! Really!" Hope got embarrassed. But it was too late know, every tourist that comes to the farm is going to see him sitting on the commode.

In the meanwhile, Snow and Fang were trying to set up the metal frame pool on top of the shuttle when Noctis saw what they were doing "What the hell is this?" he asked.

"What's it look like? A pool party!" Snow said and started hammering the frame onto the roof of the shuttle.

"You know that a pool of water is going to be very heavy, slow down the shuttle, and use up more gas right?" Noctis warned them.

"No worries mate!" Fang said and jumped off the roof. "We thought of a great idea, we're going to start a VIP program. For an extra fee, customers have access to the VIP pool, a meal ticket for Kairi's Kitchen, and a fast-pass for the chocobo rides-"

"NUH UH! Ain't nobody cutting nobody!" Sazh overheard.

"I'll let you guys keep the pool, but no VIP program," Noctis decided.

"No promises!" Snow said and started filling the pool with water.

Just then the KK staff got on the premises and asked Tidus for some help setting up. "Of course!" he agreed and wheeled his way back and forth from Sora's Lamborghini to the station.

"What's all this stuff?" Vanille asked when she saw all the wires and technical equipment they were setting up for Kairi's Kitchen.

"Today Kairi's doing a live presentation! So we're setting up her headset microphone, speakers, and projection screens," Sora explained as he decked Kairi with all the tech.

"But Kairi can't even cook," Vanille said.

"That's what I said!" Kairi agreed.

"Hey, is Judge Yuffie really a _judge_?" Sora retorted.

"You take that back!" Snow overheard from afar.

"Where am I supposed to be?" Riku said as he set up his headset and calibrated his binoculars.

"Up on the roof where no one can see you," Sora said. Riku had to watch Kairi's every move with the binoculars and tell her exactly what to do.

It was finally 9AM and the customers started rolling in. Tidus was having a fun time rolling around in his Heelys in the parking lot telling people "You're not supposed to park there" or 'I won't go so easy on you next time!'

There came a family of four in a small car, the blue haired wife rolled down the window. "Excuse me, sorry if this is too TMI, but are your chocobos hypoallergenic?" she asked.

"Well, our ticket boy is allergic to everything and he's still alive, so I say yeah!" Tidus answered.

"You hear that Roxas? I can finally pet a chocobo!" the teenage blonde boy said in the backseat.

"Shut it Ven!" the twin, Roxas, answered. Sora told all his friends about Kairi's live presentation and gave them all money to come visit. Roxas and Ventus' adoptive parents Terra and Aqua work at Denny's with Riku and can't usually afford to go on family trips.

Feeling guilty if he didn't use it, Hope sat on his commode at the ticket booth. The family of four came up to him. "Welcome to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, where our chocobos are nicer than Rabanastre's," Hope said, hoping nobody would notice the commode. Little did he know, Roxas was a Nobody.

"Is that a commode? It is! Oh my Nomura, I gotta show Xion," Roxas said, took a picture, and texted it to his only current friend saying, 'Look at dis lame-o.'

Xion texted back 'omg loser.'

"Roxas! It's not nice to take a picture of someone without their permission," Aqua tried to be a good mom. "Right Terra?"

"Do you even lift bro? Take these, I think you need them more than I do," Terra told skinny little Hope and game him vouchers for free protein shakes.

"Uh, thanks!" Hope accepted the vouchers. "Would you like regular or VIP tickets?" he got back to work.

"Go big or go home," Terra said and handed Hope the 1,000 Munny note Sora gave them.

"Yay!" Ventus jumped up and down in excitement.

In the meanwhile, Sazh was having a very hard time explaining the diaper situation to the people in line for the chocobo rides. "Look lady, we got 5 chocobos, a long ass line, and only two saddles. For some reason kids get so excited on the 'bos they poop their pants. To make use of all the chocobos and keep things sanitary, you gotta wear a diaper. End of discussion!"

The Birth By Sleep family approached Sazh, "Excuse me, is there a separate line for VIP?"

"NUH UH! I told Snow and Fang I ain't playing their games, you get in the back of the line with everyone else," Sazh said and put the next diapered child onto one of the Pulse chocobos they had captured. They waited in line for 1 hour. Sazh made sure Ventus and Roxas weren't too tall to ride the chocobos then handed them each a diaper. "No diaper, no ride, no excuses!" Sazh laid down the rules.

Ventus promptly put on the diaper. "Ha, loser!" Roxas said, took another picture, and sent it to Xion. She replied 'did he start his period?'

"What's this one's name?" Ventus' eyes got big as he admired his chocobo to be.

"VANILLE! WHAT YOU NAME THIS ONE!?" Sazh yelled out to his coworker.

"Frosted Flakes: he's more than good, he's GREAT," she recited the full name. Vanille had personally test rode all the new Pulse chocobos to give them appropriate names. There was also 'Lucky Charms: You'll be lucky if she doesn't bite you' and 'Cheerio: Nice to meet'cha' and 'Raisin Bran: Will only eat raisins.'

"Awesome!" Ventus said and hopped on the chocobo. He rode it around the corral as Aqua and Terra took photos. Roxas too put on the diaper and got on the chocobo named 'Apple Jacks: he'll Jack you up.' After less than a minute Jacks started going berserk and threw Roxas off.

"Roxas!" Terra and Aqua yelled and jumped the corral to see his injuries.

"You cannot be serious!" Sazh said and did the distress hand signal towards the security cameras to summon Noctis.

Noctis teleported in. "What's the matter?"

"Our son was thrown off that chocobo," Aqua explained. "Seems like it's only a scratch. You all right Roxas?"

"I wanna do it again!" Roxas said.

"Well, Vanille didn't name him 'Apple Jacks: he'll Jack you up' for no reason," Noctis said. "I'll give you vouchers for free greens for the petting zoo if you don't sue us and never speak of this again," he offered.

"No worries! We got the VIP tickets so we're already guaranteed free greens," Aqua said and showed off the handmade tickets.

"You mean the VIP tickets I explicitly prohibited?" Noctis said, and turned back to see Snow and Fang segregating their tour line in two: VIP and Not VIP.

"I swear no one lifts around here. Take this, you need it more than I do," Terra said and gave Noctis his 24 Hour Fitness membership card.

The BBS Family headed to the petting zoo next. "Welcome! Come meet our new baby chocobos! That I did NOT steal from Rabanastre," Vanille greeted them.

Aqua saw one of the several "THIS IS A NO KINK SHAMING ZONE" signs by Vanille. "Do you guys have a discrimination problem around here?"

"Oh, those signs aren't really for you guys….they're more for us…." Vanille explained. She gave them their free VIP greens and let them into the pin.

The pin was full of baby chocobos rolling around inside individual hamster balls. "Excuse me miss, how are we supposed to pet them?" Ventus asked politely.

"No petting allowed," she answered.

"How about feeding them?" they asked.

"No feeding allowed."

"?"

In the meanwhile, a long black limousine drove into the parking lot; Tidus skated over to greet them. "Welcome! You're lucky, my boss made me make a designated limousine area right over there!" he said.

The passenger at the back rolled down the window. "Hey, you're Jecht's son! I'm Laguna Loire. The New Zanarkand project is almost finished, we'd love to have you attend the inauguration."

"MY OLD MAN!?" Tidus said. Nobody ever told him about the New Zanarkand fiasco at Gold Saucer. When he asked afterwards why he needed to tell Sazh every detail of every corner of Zanarkand Lightning just told him "Never mind, Sazh screwed up."

"Yeah, here's an invitation," Laguna gave him the invitation card and got out of the vehicle. "I'm here to see Lightning, heard she got in a terribad accident. I got a bunch of boxes in here, help a guy out?"

"Uh, sure!" Tidus agreed and started moving boxes to the front porch. He went inside the house to inform Lightning of the visitor and walked in on Serah dressed in her sister's workout outfit doing some exercises.

"Lower cadet!" Lightning was telling Serah.

"KILL ME," Serah said as she did squats.

"Woah, what's going on?" Tidus asked when he saw Serah sweating profusely.

"Since Lightning can't do her 30-day butt challenge, I have to do it for her!" Serah said.

"Not my fault I got crippled on day 2. Keep up this attitude and you're finishing my juice-cleanse too," Lightning threatened.

"NO!"

"Someone named Laguna's here to see you, he brought gifts!" Tidus explained.

"Dammit! I told him to send a check in the mail…Let him in Trixie," Lightning said.

"TRIXIE!?" Tidus couldn't believe what she had called him this time. He went back outside to let in the President of Esthar.

"Hey, you mind setting up all this stuff? Thanks man!" Laguna requested and went to greet his sugar baby. Tidus obeyed and started unpacking all the boxes.

"Light! Doll! When I saw your text I cancelled all my meetings to get down here," Laguna greeted her as Serah continued squatting in the corner.

"Did you read the second sentence? The one that said 'send me a check in the mail'?" she asked.

"I got something even better. I have your servant in the living room setting up a two player DANCE DANCE Revolution arcade machine," Laguna explained.

"Laguna, you know I don't dance," Lightning said. She never has to; at Da Club all she ends up doing is sitting at the bar with a line of men taking turns to buy her drinks.

"Well neither do I, but Jecht hired a DJ for the New Zanarkand inauguration and we can't be looking like fools," Laguna explained and handed his date an invitation. "The party's gonna be HUGE."

"Well, no promises. I'm a very busy woman, I'll have to clear my schedule," Lightning said.

'_You have no schedule!'_ Serah thought.

Back outside, Snow and Fang were loading up the shuttle for the tour. The first let the VIP guests board.

"Seat, or pool?" Fang asked the Birth by Sleep family.

"What do you suggest?" Aqua asked.

"That pool cost us an arm and a leg, so if somebody doesn't ride in the pool I WILL," Fang threatened.

"Even if you sit inside the shuttle, some water will spill out of the pool and soak you anyways!" Snow added. He and Fang had added signs on every seat inside that said 'SPLASH ZONE.'

"Let's do it Roxas!" Ventus told his twin. The two teenagers climbed up the ladder and got into the roof pool, clothes and all as Aqua and Terra decided to just sit inside the shuttle.

Snow revved up the engine. "Welcome folks and VIP guests. I'm Fang, your saucy Australian tour guide. If you haven't already noticed, we have attached a POOL on top of the vehicle for our VIP guests and it WILL get wet in here. Don't say I didn't warn you. Onwards!" Fang said.

Snow took the mic, "Hello there friends and family. This is Snow, your friendly tour driver, just here to remind you Fang is serious it WILL get drenched in here."

"To our left you will see our chocobo corral, where you can ride a chocobo if you are under 5'6'', and that's our sass-master Sazh," Fang said.

"Look kid, I don't care if you paid a thousand dollars for that VIP ticket, take yourself and your white-privilege to the BACK of the line!" the customers on the shuttle overheard Sazh yelling at some white kid.

Snow gently turned the shuttle to the left, causing the pool on top to displace several gallons of water. "Oh man, I just got my hair did!" someone named Demyx complained after getting drenched.

In the meanwhile, Kairi was starting her live presentation. "Ladies and gentleman, the moment you've all been waiting for, the reason you were born, it's Kairi's Kitchen's first ever live demonstration! And here she is, the woman herself…KAIRI!" Sora announced into his microphone.

"Hi, I'm Kairi!" Kairi said.

"YEAH!" her small crowd cheered.

"I'll be making curry. Do you like curry? I like curry!" she said.

Serah heard the commotion. "Screw this!" she quit her squats and ran out to see the food.

"So Kairi, what's the first step?" Sora asked.

"Pan fry the chicken," Riku told Kairi from up on top of the barn with his binoculars and secret microphone feeding Kairi the instructions.

"Well Sora, the first step is to pan fry the chicken," Kairi said. She turned on the burner on full blast and placed the chicken on the skillet.

"Amazing!" Sora said. "What kind of chicken is this?"

"Free range, organic chicken," Kairi explained.

"She's a saint!" her fans cheered.

Snow and Fang abandoned the shuttle mid-tour to join Serah in watching the presentation. "Babe, why are you soaked!? Did you get into our pool?" Snow asked.

"This is Day 3 of my sister's 30-day squat challenge," Serah explained. "It's torture."

"Girlfriend, I think she's doing you a favor," Fang commented.

"What's next Kairi?" Sora prompted.

"Eh….sorry Sora, I can't hear you," Kairi said nervously.

'_SHIZNIT!_' Sora screamed internally. They had agreed that 'I can't hear you' means 'I can't hear _Riku_.' Sora looked up at the barn and saw Riku waving goodbye, leaving them to wing it. "Ehem," Sora coughed awkwardly. "What are you going to do next Kairi?"

"I um…I'll chop the veggies?" she said.

"Yeah!" her fans cheered, suggesting that was the correct step.

Sora and Kairi proceeded to chop the vegetables in huge, not-bite-sized chunks, and added them into the pot of boiling water. Kairi turned off her mic, "Sora what do I do next!?"

"I don't know. Just do something!" Sora too panicked.

"Um, do you guys like SPICY?" Kairi asked the audience.

"OH YEAH!" Snow yelled.

"Great!" Kairi said and added an entire bottle worth of Siracha sauce into the pot. "Do you guys like SWEET?"

"Yeah!" Hope screamed from the ticket booth.

Sora quickly ran to his car to retrieve some leftover Paupu pies. He handed them to Kairi, who dumped a pie into the pot. "Do you guys like SALTY?"

"You bet my boots I do!" Sazh said, against the medical advice of his doctor.

Sora handed Kairi some snack pretzels for her to dump into the pot. "Do you guys like SOUR?"

"Yeah!" Serah said on behalf of Lighting, the Queen of Sourness.

Kairi dumped in a few whole lemons. "Well, I think that about does it. So in goes the curry powder and voila!" she said.

"What about BITTER?" Fang felt ripped off.

"Please form one, single file line-" Sora said as the crowd started creating a stampede to buy the food. Kairi started serving the customers her curry on top of white rice.

"Oh man, I just got a lemon in my curry," Hope said sadly after receiving his plate.

"At least you got something, Kairi just gave me the rice and forgot the curry!" Vanille said. She and Hope decided to take a break and went inside the house to eat. Tidus and Noctis were having a DDR showdown doing 'True Love' on Expert Mode.

"This is from the opening of Nyan Neko Sugar Girls!" Vanille said when she recognized the song. "I'm next!" she abandoned her plate of rice and got in line.

Hope ate his lemon curry and got to replying to Larsa's letter. It read:

_Hope Estheim,_

_ Per your suggestion I hunted down a Cocoonese restaurant and tried this macaroni and cheese. I must say, it is exquisite! You have my thanks. Any other recommendations? I too have a WiiU, please add me on WiiVerse. My username is LittleMaster. My brother also wants to know if your Baroness liked the purse he sent, he hasn't heard back. _

'_Till next time, _

_Larsa Ferrinas Solidor_

Hope went to Lightning, "Did you like the purse Vayne got you?" he asked.

"It's ok," she answered and continued to lead Serah's workout.

Hope responded: "Deer, larsa. If U liked the mac n cheez i also suggesT go-gurt and danimals! I will add u wen I gett houm, my userneim is 1stklassSOLJER. Litnin says the purss is ok."

After closing time the gang met back up in the living room for post conference and dinner. They ate some of Kairi's curry as they waited for Tidus and Noctis to stop their DDR tournament.

"Any day now!" Vanille said, still waiting for her turn. They kept tying with perfect scores over and over again, now it was a matter of who would mess up one step first.

"At least change the song!" Fang suggested after hearing it 10 times in a row.

"No, this is a good, fast squat beat," Lightning said.

Tidus messed up one step. "FINALLY!" everyone hollered.

"Any comments, questions, concerns?" Noctis prompted, wanting to end the meeting as quickly as possible to call Dope Cent over for the next round of DDR.

"Today was terrible!" Sazh said.

"Yeah…and the pool was a bad idea. But we superglued it on so we kinda can't get it off," Snow admitted.

"In our defense, it seemed like a GREAT idea at the store," Fang said. "But wet kids smell worse than wet dogs."

"And the VIP program? What did I tell you?" Noctis asked.

"Don't do the VIP program."

"And what did you do?"

"The VIP program."

"Who's the manager tomorrow?" Vanille asked, hoping it wasn't her.

Everyone drew a popsicle stick from a can, Snow drew the shortest one. "OH YEAH! VIP program reboot!" he decided.

Next time: Snow organizes a chocobo rodeo! And why did Riku leave?

-end-

I don't know why but I had so much fun with this chapter, as I proofread it I imagined this like an episode of Parks and Rec with the weird camera angles and stuff XD

Next chapter is my sister's idea, I'll be bringing in Sephiroth and a few more fresh cameos for the rodeo~!

Btw if you read my profile you'd know that I have a KH high school fic in the works. It is a sequel to this fic (this fic is summer vacation for Sora, Kairi, and Riku) so that's why some things were very particular in this chapter, it's so I don't create discrepancies :)

Please leave me a review. Thank you cookiekupo and CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time ^_-


	31. Chapter 31: Chocobo Rodeo

Note: I don't ever do this but I used a horizontal line to transition between scenes for this chapter. It seemed better for this chapter. I'm not lazy I promise! XD

Chapter 31: Chocobo Rodeo

The next morning Snow was making some phone calls as the gang ate breakfast. "Judge Yuffie! GUESS WHAT. Um…no no no Serah is NOT pregnant! I know right, wouldn't we make the cutest kids? Hahaha, actually I am having a HUGE event here at the farm and I'd love for you to come. Hontou desu ka? Suteki da ne! We'll be awaiting your arrival!" Snow recruited JYK for his event. "GIDDY UP, everyone. Let's get this show on the road!" Snow called over the gang for preconference. "Yo Noctis, you too!"

"Give me 5 more minutes." Dope Cent had come first thing in the morning to practice their DDR routine for the upcoming tournament at Gold Saucer. The machine here at the house was a blessing considering they usually had to pay out of pocket to practice at the arcade.

"How was Hell's Kitchen?" Tidus asked Ignis, who just came back from being eliminated a few days prior.

"Pure _hell_."

The gang sat around in the living room as Snow took main stage. "Ok guys, I was pulling a few strings, specifically my shoe laces, and thought of the best idea. We're having ourselves a good old Kansas-style Chocobo Rodeo!"

"Crikey!" Fang said.

"NOOOO!" everyone else said.

"YES!" Snow insisted. "Apple Jacks: He'll Jack You Up will be the star of the show and to make the stakes even higher….if you survive the rodeo YOU WIN A CHOCOBO!"

"WHAT?"

"Boy, we did not just spend several chapters getting new chocobos for you to give them away!" Sazh said.

"No worries, I'll make it impossible to win…by adding wild animals to agitate Apple Jacks in the corral!" Snow added.

"GOD."

"WHY."

"CRIKEY!"

"I already called Judge Yuffie and she spread the word, we should be expecting several VIP guests," Snow said.

"Well thank goodness we have a VIP program," Fang was 100% on board.

"You better be hiring the world's best lawyer for all the lawsuits you'll be facing," Noctis warned.

"No worries. Hope, get on your laptop and write us up a waiver form. Everyone else, run down to the forest and marsh and get us some scary animals. Snakes, Midgar Zolom, anything that will make Apple Jacks fear for his life," Snow ordered. "KK, what you servin'?" Snow asked.

Sora and Kairi were in the kitchen panicking. "We're still trying to get a hold of Riku!" Kairi said as she and Sora were dialing Riku's cellphone for the nth time.

"What?" Riku finally picked up and was put on speakerphone.

"Riku where are you!? We got pounds of peanuts and no one to brittle them!" Sora said.

"I'm _done_ Sora. I'm FU***** DONE! I have a full time job now at the junkyard. I got the call yesterday during the presentation. They're paying me 20 Munny an hour," Riku said. "You heard right, I'd rather work at the junkyard than for you."

"OMG, Riku that's great!" Kairi said, happy that Riku finally got a good job after years of living in a metal shack.

"But we were JUST getting started! I just got the trademark for Kairi's name, we're so close to hitting it big," Sora pleaded.

"He's not kidding. I have to sign my name Kairi® now," Kairi added.

Riku hung up the phone without another word, leaving Sora and Kairi to fend for themselves. "If we can figure it out, we're serving peanut brittle with coconut juice," Kairi finally answered Snows question.

"Everyone, let's get to work and make this the best chapter ever!" Snow closed the meeting.

Hope got to making the waiver form. "U r about 2 enter the chokobo rodeeo. Bye saining dis form u agree to not sue us if u die."

"Good grief," Noctis saw the waiver form, took the laptop from Hope, and added several more paragraphs of legal jargon.

Serah came out of the bedroom and Snow stopped her in her tracks. "Serah, babe. Im'ma tell you straight up, we're having a chocobo rodeo today….and people might die. Lightning _cannot_ find out about this cuz I know she'll shut us down. So do something, anything to make sure she doesn't look out the window and see the rodeo."

"What the heck can Light do to stop you? She's BEDBOUND!" Sazh overheard.

"Shecanhurtmyfeelings," Snow admitted; her words hurt so much more than her fists.

"Well you're in luck because today's day 4 of the Butt Challenge, and day 4 is the evaluation of the first 3 days, so Lightning will be GRADING ME and my butt and my techniques and you know how much fun she has judging people. She might be judging me all day!" Serah explained her predicament.

"Perfect!" Snow said.

* * *

The gang was preparing to head to the forest to find some snakes but Fang and Vanille got a ladder and climbed up into the attic of the house.

"Come on, we don't have time to waste, you ain't gonna be finding any snakes up there!" Sazh said.

"On the contraire," Fang said and proceeded to throw several live snakes out the attic door.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"What's going on? Did Tanesha finally start to disappear back to Dream Zanarkand?" Lightning overheard the screaming.

"No um, they're just going over some self-defense tactics! Hehehehe," Serah made something up.

* * *

"Why do you have snakes in your attic!?" Tidus asked as Hope ran away.

"That's where we keep them for a rainy day! Nothing beats snake skewers, not even rat skewers," Vanille explained.

"How _dare _you," Fang felt offended.

They rounded up the snakes using large trash bags and dumped them into the corral. Snow rounded everyone up one last time before opening for business. "Ok yall, everything we've worked for has led up to this moment! So we all gotta work as a team to make this happen. Hope, it's your job to recognize the VIP people to sell them the VIP tickets, we're racking up the price 10x so don't screw this up. I'll be doing PR and hosting. Vanille, you're treating the injured. Sazh is forcing everyone to sign the waiver form. Tidus, forget traffic control, we need you and Noctis with Fang to help people escape the corral," Snow got everyone organized.

"If it weren't for this stupid rodeo Snow might actually be a good manager," Sazh commented.

At opening time the crowds started rolling in in masses. Hope was ringing up all the guests when he recognized some VIP people. "S-s-s-sephiroth!" he stuttered. "I-I'm a huge fan!" he lied.

"Aren't they all," Sephiroth said, holding hands with a brunette male. "Two tickets."

"S-s-s-s-sure," Hope said. "That'll be 200 gil," he mustered up all his courage to say.

"The people in front of us only paid 10 gil each."

"You'll have to excuse my boyfriend," Genesis told Hope and handed him the 200 gil. "He's a monster, just like me."

"Didn't I say I'm the man in this relationship? I'm paying," Sephiroth said and handed Hope another 200 gil. Hope gave them the VIP tickets.

Next in line were a dark knight and a princess-looking white mage. "Two tickets, please. I must redeem myself. I must show Baron I am the knight they can depend on!" Cecil said.

"Cecil, it is not your fault. Our corrupt king is the one to blame," Rosa consoled him.

Hope quickly looked them up on the FF wikia. "Oh! That will be 200 gil."

"Anything to prove my chivalry," Cecil paid and took the tickets. "For Baron!"

Next in line were THE ONE AND ONLY.

"OMG ZACK FAIR!" Hope jumped up and down on his commode. "And Cloud!"

"Hey kiddo! When Yuffie told us about the rodeo Cloud and I took the day off to come over. Cloud here finally got into SOLDIER. It took me ages to convince Lazard. He finally cracked after hearing my 40 minute audio essay I left in his voice mail about how Cloud is a great friend," Zack announced.

* * *

"Make it stop," Lazard said after having only listened to the first 15 minutes of the voicemail and signed the papers with tears in his eyes.

* * *

"3rd class," Cloud said with pride.

"Omg, come on in!" Hope let them in for free.

Next were two girls. "You're Vanille's friend, and you were in the beauty pageant," Hope recognized them both.

"Heck yeah, Vanille's the only one that'll listen to my boy drama!" Selphie said. "Rinoa just duct tapes my mouth shut!"

"Darn it, I forgot the duct tape," Rinoa realized. "Please tell me pets are allowed," she asked on behalf of her dog Angelo she had brought along.

"They're allowed for VIP guests," Hope said, charged them, and gave them the tickets.

Next were a couple out on their first date. "Two tickets," the female said.

"General Beatrix, it is too dangerous! Stay in the carriage and I will win you the chocobo," Steiner insisted.

"I can fight my own battles, Steiner. Or my name is not General Beatrix of Alexandria," Beatrix insisted.

'_Cool!_' Hope thought, happy to meet more FF characters.

* * *

Inside the house, Sora and Kairi were trying to finish up the peanut brittle but were having a very hard time without Riku. "Add the peanuts Kairi!" Sora said as he held the on-fire concoction of sugar and corn syrup in a saucepan over the stove.

"I'm going as fast as I can!" she said and ripped open the bags of peanuts that Sora had double-knotted. She dumped them into the saucepan. "Now what?"

Sora then dumped the concoction onto a large cookie pan. "See, we don't need no Riku. Kairi®'s Kitchen will do fine," Sora said and got down on one knee. "I promise you Kairi®, I will NEVER abandon your Kitchen."

"Thanks Sora," Kairi got emotional.

* * *

Snow had the speakers blasting Zack Fair's hit song Crazy Chocobo as the rodeo was getting started. "AH HELL NO!" most people said when they saw all the snakes.

"Who DARES to risk their lives, risk their reputation, and risk their pride on the cHoCobO DeATh RoDeOOOO!" Snow yelled on the megaphone.

"What pride have I to lose, when I have none to spare?" Cecil said whilst in line.

"General no!" Steiner tried his best to run in his metal armor as Beatrix went up to sign the waiver.

Sazh handed her the paper, "You survive, you win the 'bo. You don't, you scrat!" he explained.

Beatrix signed the waiver and got on Apple Jacks. "For Alexandria!"

Snow let Apple Jacks into the corral. "KWEHHHH!" he feared for his life and began violently jumping up and down to dodge the countless snakes. In a matter of seconds Beatrix was thrown off like a ragdoll.

"Our turn now!" Tidus said as he, Fang, and Noctis jumped into the pit to drag Beatrix out before the snakes could munch on her for breakfast.

"LOSER!" Snow announced on the megaphone. "Who dares to try next?"

A familiar petite ninja arrived. "Is that a DARE?"

"JYK!" Snow dropped what he was doing and bowed to his queen. "I DARE you to buck that chocobo."

"Challenge accepted. Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk," Judge Yuffie chuckled.

Sazh gave her the waiver, "Girl, you best be dropping this and running the other way. We just had the General of Alexandria snap her ankles and Vanille sure as heck can't keep up," he said.

* * *

"Do something!" Steiner yelled at Vanille while jumping up and down in his clunky armor.

"YOU do something!" Vanille said and proceeded to wrap Beatrix's ankles with Fruit By The Foot rolls she had taken from Hope's candy stash.

* * *

Yuffie mounted the chocobo and Snow turned to Fang, "For the love of all things holy don't let her land on anything that isn't your strong warrior arms, Noctis' soft princely hands, or Tidus' hairless chest."

"No promises," Fang teased and went to relay the message.

"GIVE IT UP FOR JYK!" Snow announced and let Apple Jacks into the snake pit. He then got on his knees to pray to God.

"Give me your WORST!" Yuffie taunted, but was promptly bucked off and landed in Noctis' arms. "HOT DIGGITY how you get your hands so soft?"

* * *

Back in the house Serah ran out the bedroom crying. Dope Cent stopped their DDR practice to console her. "Miss, what is with the long face?" Ignis asked like a gentleman.

"Lightning just finished grading my progress on the 30 day butt challenge. She gave me a 'P' for 'pathetic'!" Serah cried.

"Well you should give her a 'B' for 'bitch'!" Prompto suggested.

"Naw, she'll take it as 'B' for 'beautiful.' Bitches be like that," Gladio warned from firsthand experience.

"Take a coffee break miss, I presume some Judge Yuffie reruns are on air right now," Ignis suggested and turned on the TV.

"BREAKING NEWS. We have word that Zack Fair, 1st class Soldier has been injured and in critical condition. Over to Reno up on Sky7," Tseng, the news anchor of Shinra News said.

The footage switched over to the live feed from the helicopter circling the farm. "Tseng, at approximately 9:07 Zack Fair entered the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm with an unknown 3rd Class Soldier. Our sources say Fair mounted a chocobo and was thrown off, flying 60 feet into the air before landing on top of the barn and crashing through the metal roof onto a pile of logs. We have Elena on the scene," Reno explained.

"Thank you Reno. I am here on the scene with employee Sazh Katzroy. Can you explain to us what happened?" Elena asked.

"I TOLD HIM! 'Boy you best be trippin, I don't care if you're a 1st class soldier. Ain't nobody gonna be walking out of this rodeo with the same number of bones they walked in with,'" Sazh quoted.

Elena walked over to the infirmary, which was just a stretch of grass with some towels on the ground. "Here I have employee Vanille Fluffsworth, on duty at the infirmary. Can you give us a status update on Zack Fair?"

"I don't have a medical license to do any of this!" Vanille shouted while trying to insert an IV in Zack's arm as Cloud did chest compressions and gave mouth to mouth.

"Oh Cloud, I never knew you too were of the male persuasion," Sephiroth taunted him.

"Get lost Sephiroth, I'm in SOLDIER now. Nothing you can say can bring me down," Cloud finally learned how to stand up for himself in the midst of this bloody chaos.

* * *

Kairi and Sora were busy at their booth selling the peanut brittle when Kairi realized something was missing. "Oh my Nomura, where's my necklace?" she started panicking. "Sora, I think I dropped my necklace in the mix when we were making the peanut brittle."

"SHIZNIT!" Sora panicked and stood on top of the table. "RECALL FOR ALL FOOD AND DRINKS SOLD AT KAIRI'S KITCHEN!" he yelled loud enough to cause a seismic shock. They collected all the uneaten peanut brittle, set it all out on the kitchen floor, and began smashing it with a hammer.

"What are you guys doing!?" Serah saw them hammering away.

"Kairi dropped her necklace while we were cooking, it has to be someone in here!" Sora got hysterical and accidentally hammered his shoe. "EH!"

"Hmmmm…" Serah thought. She went inside the bedroom to look through Lightning's bucket of gems as Lightning was catching up on several years' worth of missed sleep due to the midnight hikes. "OF COURSE." Serah walked back to the kitchen, "Lightning stole it!"

"How!? She's in a full body cast!" Kairi said and took it from Serah.

Snow walked into the house. "AHHHH!" he screamed and exited.

"What's wrong?" Serah wondered.

* * *

"I have done it. Honor is alive, and it's name is Cecil!" Cecil dismounted the chocobo and turned into a paladin before their very eyes.

"Well COngratS YOu are the first person to survive the chocobo rodeo of dEATH," Snow's voice cracked as he held back tears. "Please stand over there in that corner as I file the paperwork," Snow finished and ran away.

Serah came to look for Snow outside and saw him crying behind the barn. "Snowey bear what happened?"

"I dungoofed Serah. I DUNGOOFED! No one was supposed to survive the rodeo, but that knight from Baron did it and now I have to give him one of our chocobos!" Snow confessed.

They heard a roar of cheering and Fang ran over. "Sephiroth survived the rodeo."

"OH MY GOD," Snow started having an actual myocardial infarction.

They heard another roar and Tidus ran over. "That Selphie girl made it too!"

Snow dropped dead on the ground.

"Thundaga!" Tidus casted a spell to revive Snow.

"Where'd you learn that one?" Noctis said as he arrived.

"I snuck into Lulu's sphere grid to get a few spells for self-defense," Tidus explained.

"Serah, babe, pack your bags. We're going on the run. If anyone asks, Snow is dead. My name is Blaze McRivers," Snow started preparing for the worst.

"Snow, did you even read the waiver form?" Noctis said and handed him a copy.

"I read the first sentence. Does Hope not know about spell check?" Snow said and began to read the paragraphs that Noctis added. "Oh, OH MY GOD! Noctis you're a genius! I've watched enough of Judge Yuffie to know what this means!"

Fang took the paper, "This is all legal jargon; I can't understand a word."

"I added a clause explaining how to claim the chocobo. If you survive the rodeo you get a voucher. To redeem the voucher you have to personally give it to the chocobo master that lives in seclusion up the mountain," Noctis explained.

"And?" Fang prompted.

"There _is_ no chocobo master up the mountain."

"BURN!" Blaze hollered. They all returned to greet the winners. "Congratulations, ya'll have won yourself a voucher to redeem for a free chocobo!" Snow told then and handed out the vouchers Noctis had preprinted.

"You'll be taking us up the mountain?" Sephiroth asked after reading the fine print on the voucher.

"Ehem, well technically you should be taking _yourselves_ up the-" Snow tried to say.

"You're taking us up the mountain," Sephiroth demanded.

"OK. Well, um Noctis and Tidus here will drive ya'll up there and leaveyouthere to find the chocobo master," Snow decided. "Right guys?"

"Uh, sure?" they agreed.

* * *

"So, what kind of music ya'll like?" Selphie asked as she, Sephiroth, and Cecil were in the backseat of Noctis' car driving up the mountain.

"My acquaintance, Edgar of Damcyan, plays the loveliest of tunes on the harp," Cecil said.

"Gackt," Sephiroth said.

Tidus turned back from the passenger seat. "Is it true that Genesis is secretly Gackt?" he asked. Sephiroth kept quiet.

Noctis parked at a random campsite. "So, legend says the chocobo master lives around here," he lied.

"No it doesn't," Sephiroth said. He knew all the legends; HE was a legend.

"Yes it does!" Tidus insisted as they all got out of the car.

Sephiroth started handing out some items from his SOLDIER bag. "Walkie talkies to keep in contact. I will search the north. Cecil, you go east. Selphie, the west," he said, 100% determined to locate the chocobo master.

* * *

Back at the farm, Rinoa had cracked. She went up to Snow, "Excuse me, what you are doing here is a violation of animal rights! My dog and I will not stand for this until those snakes are removed and that poor chocobo gets proper therapy to prevent post-traumatic stress disorder," Rinoa demanded.

"What are you? The _humane society_?" Snow laughed. Rinoa took out her Humane Society badge. "OH."

Rinoa stomped over to Judge Yuffie, who was chatting with Cloud at the infirmary. "Then I said, 'Vinnie, look. Are you really gonna miss out on going to the MTV Music Awards with me cuz it's Lucrecia's birthday? That girl is dead! DEAD!' and I had to go all alone. You know what it's like being on the red carpet having people shouting at you 'WHERE'S YOUR BAILIFF? WHERE'S YOUR BAILIFF?' It's terrible Cloud!" Yuffie told her tale.

"Mhmm."

"Ehem. Judge Yuffie, I am Rinoa Heartily. You may remember me from the beauty pageant-"

"Of course!"

"Per Queen Garnet's request, I joined an extracurricular activity. To be specific, the Humane Society. I would like to file a lawsuit against Snow Villiers for chocobo endangerment on your show right now," Rinoa requested.

"Well well, I can't say no to a _juicy_ case," Yuffie agreed. She ran over to Snow by the corral. "Villiers! We're suing you right now, make sure you use some makeup cuz we got those HD cameras now and they do _no one_ justice!"

"Sweet, I'm always up for a good roast on national television!" Snow agreed.

* * *

As the search went on and they all grew tired, Noctis and Tidus began to see Selphie, Sephiroth, and Cecil weren't just cheapskates looking for a free chocobo. In fact, getting their chocobos was the least of their problems.

"So now the Balamb Major Crime Squad is investigating me for arson," Selphie explained around a campfire. "I mean, I'm not saying I didn't _do it_ but come on, no one died, give me a break!" Selphie told them about how she set the Balamb Garden boys' dormitory on fire.

"I…I don't know what to say," Noctis was speechless.

"You want to go next Cecil?" Tidus said, mediating this impromptu therapy session.

"I was foolish, I followed orders I knew I ought not to, and in turn the town of Mist was in flames. And the poor girl Rydia…I thought that by winning this chocobo…I could ease the pain in her heart of losing her village to the fire," Cecil explained with shame.

"I am so sorry," Tidus sympathized. "Sephiroth?"

"I…I knew mine was a special existence. When Genesis told me about the Jenova project, I could not believe it… I _would_ not. I spent days in that basement reading until Zack came to check on me…. So I burned down Nibelheim-"

"Why is everybody committing arson?" Noctis interrupted.

* * *

Lightning finally woke up from her nap. "I'm so bored, how do kids sit on their butts all day and get diabetes?" she pondered.

"There's some juicy stuff on TV nowadays," Serah said and decided to turn on the newly installed 60 inch flatscreen Auron had sent them.

"NEXT UP ON JUDGE YUFFIE," the voiceover said, announcing the beginning of the next show. "The Humane Society suing Defendant Snow Villiers for chocobo endangerment."

"WHAT THE F***," Lightning cursed.

"Darn it!" Serah blew Snow's cover.

"You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Yuffie Kisaragi," the voiceover said as the intro was playing. "The people are REAL, the cases are REAL, the rulings are FINAL!" The footage made it obvious that the episode was being filmed live in the barn.

"Goddammit Snow, AGAIN?" Lightning said when she saw Snow walk up to the podium wearing, this time, a cowboy costume.

"17 year old Rinoa Heartilly on behalf of the Humane Society is suing 21 year old Snow Villiers of the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm for the endangerment of one adult chocobo," the announcer said.

"All rise?" Sazh, the temporary bailiff, said then handed the documents to Judge Yuffie. "Case 138, on the count in the matter of The Humane Society Vs. Villiers. Both parties have been sworn in, be seated."

"I must say Mr. Villiers, do you not own street clothes?" Judge Yuffie commented from her podium.

"Your honor, fashion is my passion and it never takes a day off, not even for court," Snow defended his choice of clothing.

"Do not speak unless spoken to!" JYK said her catchphrase. "Miss Heartilly, can you please present your case?"

"Yes Your Honor. Today my friend and I came here to the Farron Sister's Chocobo Farm after seeing an advertisement about the Chocobo Rodeo. It seemed simple enough; stay on the chocobo for 10 seconds, win one. Little did we know, the corral was full of snakes, and the poor chocobo was forced into this pit of snakes to agitate him enough to throw off the riders. Judge Yuffie, that chocobo was traumatized and I demand that Mr. Villiers takes responsibility for his actions and shut down this farm and get appropriate therapy for the chocobo," Rinoa explained.

"DAYUM!" Yuffie pretended to hear the story for the first time. "Villiers, what do you have to say?"

"Well, first of all his name is not 'the chocobo,' it's Apple Jacks, and he WILL jack you up. Second of all, I don't have much to say because I have a lawyer here to say things for me!" Snow said.

Sazh opened the barn door to let in Sora, who walked up right next to Snow. "Your Honor, I am Sora Joel Osment, PR agent for Kairi® of Kairi®'s Kitchen here for the defense of Mr. Villiers," Sora introduced himself.

"Hey, you're that kid that took away my peanut brittle!" Yuffie recognized him. "Well Mr. Osment, present your defense."

Sora handed some print outs from Wikipedia to Sazh to relay to JYK. "Your Honor, according to the internet, The **Chocobo** is a fictional creature from the _Final Fantasy_ video game series made by Square and Square Enix (since 2003)," Sora read off the first line on the paper. "I don't know about you, but I think this case is closed."

Judge Yuffie read the entire article, forcing everyone to wait several minutes for her to do so. "Mr. Osment, you are saying that since chocobos are fictional creatures, they are immune to the rights presented by the Humane Society? But then, doesn't that mean that you and I too are just a figment of a Japanese man's imagination? And are immune to the rights of things such as the Geneva Convention?" Yuffie made a good point.

"What I'm saying Judge Yuffie, is that all of this is a fantasy. The Final Fantasy," Sora proposed.

"To be continued on Judge Yuffie, is LIFE even REAL?" the announcer said, marking the start of a commercial break.

"God dammit! When will that fool learn that two lawsuits on national television is NOT a proper marketing strategy?!" Lightning couldn't believe what was happening. "And what the hell is this chocobo rodeo?!"

Fang came in since all the customers were in the barn for the live taping. "First off, I'm pretty sure he's doing this lawsuit for the giggles at this point. Second, we've been having ourselves a rodeo outside. Didn't you hear the people screaming when Zack Fair got injured?"

"Zack Fair got what!?" Lightning feared for her honey booboo.

"NOW BACK TO JUDGE YUFFIE."

Yuffie had tears in her eyes. "You're meaning to tell me that everything that's happened in my life up to this moment has been nothing more than data on a black playstation disc?"

"Three discs Your Honor. That's what Wikipedia says and you need to remember that technically anyone can edit on that site and write whatever crap they want," Sora said.

Yuffie went on her Wikipedia page and edited in 'Status: Hokage' and felt instant relief. "Miss Heartilly, what do you have to say to this?"

"Regardless whether or not this is a fantasy, in the FF world chocobos are so highly revered that they are considered even superior to humans. In addition, I surveyed the customers while your camera crew was setting up asking if they prefer chocobos or moogles. The survey showed that 100% of participants prefer chocobos," Rinoa explained.

"THAT'S what the survey was for!? If I would have known I would have voted for the moogles," Snow regretted.

"Me too!" Sora said.

"Villiers, so far we have established that life as we know it may or may not be real and that chocobos are practically gods in bird form. You're not looking too good," Yuffie warned.

Sora decided to play his wild card. "Well Your Honor, everything presented by the plaintiff is irrelevant, because my client Snow Villiers is INSANE," Sora proposed the insanity plea. He handed Sazh some papers. "What you're looking at Judge Yuffie, are the papers from Snow's time in an addict's rehabilitation center and several recent grocery receipts listing nothing but toothpaste."

"Dayum! You must have toothpaste for days!" Yuffie commented. "That is pretty, as we say in Wutanese, _insein_."

"If I may Your Honor, what's insane is y'all not doing the same!" Snow said.

"I also have two witnesses here to testify for Snow's recent acts of insanity," Sora said. Sazh opened the barn door to let in Hope and Vanille to the witness' stand. "Witnesses, please recall some recent events that have you thinking Snow may be a nutcase."

Hope went first. "W-w-w-well Y-y-your Honor," he stuttered as he always does around women of authority. "Just yesterday Snow nailed a pool on top of the shuttle."

"And the day before that he doused himself in gasoline and almost jumped into a pit of fire," Vanille added.

"Oh, and he sometimes talks to the spider rats that live in the barn," Hope remembered.

Sazh heard a knock on the barn door and opened it. Serah was wheeling in Lightning on a gurney and took her to the witness stand. "December 17th, 2009. Snow Villiers asks out my sister Serah after receiving specific instruction from me not to. December 18th, he defies my orders and of all places takes her to a soup kitchen for their first date. December 19th, I find blonde hair in the shower drain. December 20th, several of my socks go missing. December 21st, Snow Villiers sets up camp in my backyard. December 22nd, Serah tells me she thinks she's pregnant. December 23th, I give Serah the talk and explain that you can't get pregnant by sharing utensils with someone. December 24th, Snow Villiers climbs down the chimney claiming he's Santa Claus. December 25th, there are no presents to open because Snow tripped and destroyed all of them from the night before. December 26th, Snow and Serah adopt a cat and name it Leonardo DiFluffio. December 27th, a cat funeral is held in my backyard. December 28th, Serah gets an acceptance letter from the University of Eden. December 29th, Snow convinces her to become a stay at home mom. December 30th, my water pipes burst because Snow flushed a maxipad down my toilet. December 31st New Years Eve, Snow steals a motorcycle and flies Serah into the middle of a fireworks show. January 1st, Serah is made a l'Cie," Lightning testified towards Snow's insanity defense.

Judge Yuffie was trying her best keeping up by taking notes. "Wait, you said the funeral was the 27th or 28th?"

"The 27th," Snow answered for her. "I mean the cat died on the way home from the shelter but it took us a whole day to dig the hole in the backyard cuz Lightning hid the shovel."

"Your Honor, Snow Villiers is a safety hazard to animals all around," Rinoa said.

"Snow. Doll. I love ya, but I'm giving you a restraining order against all animals, live and stuffed. Ms. Heartilly, you're beautiful, but Snow's a nutcase and you gotta give him a break. Sora, if you don't pay me back for that peanut brittle you recalled Im'ma be filming another episode with you next. Lightning, WHAT HAPPENED?" Yuffie finally commented on the body cast.

"December 17th, 2009," Lightning started to retell her testimony.

Next time: Lightning is BACK and ready to sLaY…the only thing stopping her is some REALLY bad news. And oh no, what happened to Hope!? And what will be of Kairi®'s Kitchen?

-end-

* * *

I got the ideas for this chapter from the Gas Station and Electronic Store episodes of Nathan for You!

Oh ho ho hoy the next chapter starts a new story arc…the beginning of their "demise!" That doesn't mean the fic is ending though, they're tougher than that :)

Please review! Thank you CookieKupo and CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time~!


	32. Chapter 32: Bad News

Chapter 32: Bad News

It was the 10AM and the gang were doing their jobs to the T as they awaited for Lightning's return from the doctor's office; she had healed quicker than expected. That morning she cracked the shoulder, hip, and knee joints on the cast and drove herself to the doctor's office to get the rest removed.

"Chocobos are a breed of flightless birds, characterized by their yellow feathers, distinct odor, and the unforgettable chirp, 'kweh!' Domesticated for their gentle nature and quick feet, they are often used as a mode of ground transportation. To your right you will see our chocobo barn, where we house our chocobos, and care for the ill," Fang recited the preapproved chocobo facts on the tour.

Tidus kept his guard up in the parking lot, ready to dodge anything that came his way using his Heelys. Just then Lightning sped into the parking lot in her pink Mustang, drifted over a puddle, and did a 360 turn. "TUITION! Where is your employee uniform!?" she immediately yelled at him.

"But we haven't worn those since chapter seven!" Tidus defended himself, no longer surprised by what she had called him this time.

Lightning grabbed a wad of his hair. "You're gonna run to the nearest Target, get a pink T-shirt from the women's section and hand embroider the words 'My name is Tuition. Everyday is Feed a Chocobo Day' and you're gonna grab a box pink hair dye while you're at it. You got 10 minutes cadet," she demanded.

Tidus skated faster than the speed of light to Target.

"And she's here," Noctis said. He held some papers that arrived in the mail, but decided to withhold them until later.

"Status report," Lightning asked of him.

"Hope having stomach cramps so he's hiding in the bathroom. Serah's back at the petting zoo so Vanille's manning the register. Oh, and I got us an actual cash register. Sazh implemented a new diaper policy for the chocobo rides. Snow and Fang are following protocol for the tour but there's a pool on top of the shuttle now," Noctis filled her in.

"And Zack Fair?"

"I called Cloud this morning. He says Zack's made a full recovery."

"God bless," Lightning was relieved. She went over to Sazh. "Any of the new chocobos giving you problems? I'll make sure they stay in line," she took out her gunblade.

"Well Apple Jacks will jack you up and Raisin Bran only eats raisins but it's manageable," Sazh said, not wanted to see any chocobo blood.

Lightning noticed Snow driving the shuttle a little farther out than her preapproved route. "VILLIERS are you retarded? Get back on the route!"

"Technically he's insane," Fang commented.

Snow stopped the shuttle. "Hey, I got a restraining order I need to comply with so I gotta stay far away from the chocobos!"

"You think I care about your little restraining order? You should have thought about that before you asked out Serah on December 17th, 2009," Lightning said.

Snow drove the shuttle closer to the animals. "What the hell Snow. You have a restraining order! I can call the cops on you right now," Lightning threatened.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?" Snow got emotional.

Serah got nervous as she saw her sister stomp over to the petting zoo. "This one is from Rabanastre, isn't she cute?" Serah tried distracting herself by showing some kids the pink glitter chick.

"Serah, are you insane too?" Lightning instantly graded Serah's performance.

"I-I mean, this one is a work of nature. The mama chocobo ate a lot of strawberries when she was pregnant so it's our little miracle baby," Serah quickly made something up; she forgot that they "didn't" steal it. "So…what did the doc say?" she asked Lightning.

"He says he's never seen anything like it, that no one's bones can heal in four days like mine did. I was telling him it was probably the dragon berries but he thinks it's something 'divine.' They did some bloodwork to test if I am part goddess," she explained. "And don't you think this means your 30-days of squats are over."

"Darn it!" Serah face palmed and got back to squatting.

"Where's Kairi?" Lightning noticed the red haired chef missing and went to check the kitchen. "What's 5 times 2?" she quickly quizzed Vanille on the way.

"Do you really think I'm that stupid!?" Vanille said as she painted her nails at the register.

Sora and Kairi were unboxing several large boxes in the living room. "What going on here?" Lightning asked of them.

Sora sat down and quickly took his blood pressure medication. "Bad news. Riku quit on us, so Kairi's Kitchen is burning in flames right now. I mean we got HATE mail when Kairi made that curry. She was crying-"

"YOU were crying," Kairi interrupted.

"The point is, we were both crying," Sora got teary eyed. "There's no way we can sell food without Riku making it. So I have one last idea to save this company." Sora gave Lightning a box full of bottles. 'We're launching a fragrance! Kairi® Kouture by Kairi® of Kairi®'s Kitchen."

Lightning took a look at a bottle, which was a bust model of Kairi, her head being the cap. "Since when does Kairi have green eyes?"

"That's what I said!"

"No one's looking at your eyes woman!" Sora defended his mistake. "This is a HUGE gamble. To maximize on profits I ordered one hundred thousand bottles from the manufacturer. I _need_ this to become a hit. If I sell anything less than every single bottle I have to file bankruptcy. And my dad says there's no way he's getting me out of this one," Sora explained.

Lightning tried on the perfume. "This just smells like paupu fruit."

"That's what I said!"

"I might have made paupu go extinct to make this perfume happen," Sora admitted. "I need everyone to wear it 24/7, here's your sales pitch," Sora handed her a card.

"What is that smell you ask? Well well, let me tell you something. I love me nothing more than a good paupu pie made by none other than Kairi® of Kairi®'s Kitchen. But wait, now you can take Kairi® and her famous paupu pies where ever you go by wearing Kairi® Kouture by Kairi® of Kairi®'s Kitchen. Costing only $62 you can get this perfume as a gift for yourself, your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, of your friend. Nothing says you care more," Lightning read the sales pitch with tears in her eyes from trying to hold in the giggles.

They heard Hope weeping loudly in the bathroom. The three ran over to see what was wrong. "Hope, what's the matter?" Lightning's motherly instincts kicked in.

"I-I have some bad news," Hope said and opened the bathroom door, revealing a 180 cm tall adult male.

Lightning punched the stranger in the face as her military instincts kicked back in. "Where's Hope and what did you do to him!?"

"Ow!" Hope cried. "It's me, I think I went through puberty!"

"Well no duh!" Kairi said, mesmerized by the albino supermodel standing before them.

"No. NO. Noooo!" Lightning shook her head and walked backwards.

"Great! I've been waiting for you to come out of there. Here's box full of Kairi® Kouture and the sales pitch," Sora handed Hope the items.

"You…you're grounded! I mean…I'm sending you to military school! Or…" Lightning tried to do something.

"My mom's gonna KILL me!" Hope got frightened.

"No, she's going to kill _me_." Lightning went and retrieved the letter Nora had gave her when she handed Hope over to work at the farm. "_Claire, if anything happens to my sweet, small son I will sue you for everything you own and your soul_," the letter read. "I _just _paid off my penthouse in Bodhum, we need to change you back!"

Back outside, Tidus was skating back into the premises wearing the pink t-shirt Lightning asked for. "Boss! They didn't have the hair dye so I had to use Kool Aid to get my hair pink," Tidus explained as Lightning and Hope ran by.

"Out of mY waY!" Lightning pushed him into a puddle, washing away the Kool Aid dye job, and hopped into the Mustang to drive Hope to the doctor's office.

"She's gone!" wet Tidus announced on the megaphone.

"Phew!" everyone said, abandoned their duties, and took a break in the kitchen.

"Great, glad you're all here," Sora said and handed them all a box of perfume and sales pitch cards as they came in.

"Oh myyyy, you smell soooo good~!" Serah teased Snow.

"What is that smell you ask? _Well well_, let me tell YOU something," Snow practiced the sales pitch.

"Is there a reason why Light drove out the parking lot like the devil was chasing her?" Sazh asked as he took out a snack from the fridge.

"Hope went through pubety-," Kairi spilled the beans.

"YEAH!" they gave a standing ovation.

"So she's taking him to the doctor's to find a way to change him back," Kairi finished.

"Oh."

"Well, then she's going to _love_ the news that's waiting for her," Noctis said, referring to the mysterious letter that came in the mail.

At the doctor's office, Lightning was trying to convince Dr. Odine to change Hope back. "I'll give you 10 dollars. No, 20 dollars. I know you're making that time machine, don't lie to me."

"That iz ze Junction Machine Ellone and she iz MINE!" Dr. Odine hid the machine. "As for ze boy, or man should I zay, it iz far too risky to try to change him back to his teletubbie self. I mean it'z possible but ze consequencez could be catastrophic. However, I am conducting zome experimentz for mind transfer. The sign up sheet is in ze lobby if the boy wantz to give up his life for my science. By ze way, the blood test resultz are in, Mizz Farron, it iz as expected. You are part goddess."

"_I knew it!"_ Hope knew it.

Lightning was too preoccupied with the puberty situation to hear the goddess news. She quickly dialed Lulu. "Lulu's Voodoo," the witch doctor answered.

"Are you not doing medical practice today?" she got confused.

"My voodoo is my medical practice."

"PERFECT."

The gang finished their break right when Lightning arrived back at the parking lot. "FOR F***S SAKE TUITION, what did I say about the hair dye!?" Lightning subconsciously channeled her turmoil to another person.

"I told you I used the Kool Aid but the puddle ruined it!" blonde Tidus sounded like a lunatic.

Lulu too arrived on the premises on her broomstick. "Why do you smell like paupu?" she asked her slave with a condescending tone.

Tidus braced himself. "What is that smell you ask? Well well, let me tell you something. I love me nothing more than a good paupu pie made by none other than-" he managed to say before Lulu walked away.

"Where's the boy? Or man, I should say," Lulu asked Lightning.

"I tied him down to the couch," she said and let Lulu inside the house. They were quickly bombarded by Sora.

"Care to try Kairi® Kouture by Kairi® of Kairi®'s Kitchen?" Sora sprayed the perfume in Lulu's face like his life depended on it.

"Wakka _has_ been sweating through all his deodorant lately…I'll take one," Lulu bought a bottle. She then walked over to Hope who was indeed tied down to the couch with rope.

"Mommy help me!" Hope got scared.

"I need everyone out of the edifice," Lulu warned. When left alone with Hope she first sprayed some air freshener around the room.

"What's that do?" Hope asked with fear.

"It stinks in here," Lulu answered. "Aren't you over 18? I thought I saw you graduate from Square Enix High."

"Yeah, but my mom and my boss mom want me to be a kid forever," Hope explained.

Lulu then sewed a small voodoo doll in Hope's image and began manipulating it to the desired tween proportions.

Outside, Lightning was rocking back and forth in a rocking chair as she waited; she had too much class to do it in the fetal position.

"Girl, chill!" Fang said. "You should have just asked me and Vanille to do it, I mean Lulu just takes her spells from Oerban tradition."

"Nuh uh, I don't have a medical license to do that!" Vanille said and started having flashbacks of the bloodshed she dealt with at the chocobo rodeo the day before.

"AHHHH!" they could hear Hope screaming from inside. Lightning began rocking back and forth violently.

After what seemed like an hour Lulu finally came out and the gang all came over to hear the news. "Good news, he's back to his prepubescent state. Bad news, he has diabetes now," Lulu announced.

"YAY?" they cheered.

Lulu taught Lightning all about diabetes and the gang had dinner together after closing shop. "No more sugar for you," Lightning threw away all the cookies from the panty and handed Hope a salad.

"Nooo!" he said sadly.

When everyone settled down with the food, Noctis decided to show Lightning what came in the mail. "Hey boss, I got some great news."

"Meemaw died and misspelled Snow's name as 'Lightning' so I'm getting all the money?" she hoped.

"Girl you need to chill!" Sazh said.

Noctis took out the papers from the envelope and placed them on the table. "The Sanctum is investigating you for tax fraud. Your trial is in three days in Eden."

"No. NO. NOOO!" Lightning grabbed her emergency backpack and flashed out the door like a lightning bolt.

The gang went outside to try to see where she went but with no luck.

"She left her car? So she runaway somewhere in the forest?" Serah supposed.

Snow decided to take charge. "Can someone calculate for me how far a human can run before passing out?"

Hope searched it on his laptop. "The world record is 560 kilometers in 80 hours with no sleep."

"So divide by 80?" Vanille said and did the math. "So one hour from now the farthest she can be is 7 kilometers from here."

"But she's a goddess, so double it!" Hope remembered.

"What about the mountains? Maybe she went up there," Sazh proposed.

"So A squared plus B squared equals C squared?" Serah said.

"C is the mountain peak right?" Tidus started doing the math on a piece of paper.

"Yeah, and Line CB is the slope, assuming the mountain slope is perfectly straight, which it's not," Noctis said.

"Ok, she can't outrun us but she sure can outsmart us. We need to take into account any hiding spots," Fang said. "I mean we can drive right by if she's hiding behind something."

"Ok how about this," Snow said. "Noct and Tidus take the Regalia and do the CB slope for 7 miles. I'll take the shuttle, Sazh the Mustang, and Sora his Lamborghini and we'll drive around in 7 kilometer wide spirals inwards like this," he showed them the diagram he drew.

imgur dot com /H2j3G3f (to see Snow's diagram take away the spaces and put in the dot)

"We meet back in one hour, break!" Snow said and they all drove off to search for Lightning.

One hour later they found nothing.

"I think we should just go to the police station to file a missing person's report," Serah suggested. They drove to the nearest town to do so. "Excuse me, my sister went missing and I need to file a report," Serah told the police officer at the station.

"Noct, is that you? Boy it's been ages!" the officer said.

"Yes it has. How are the kids?" Noctis asked. He had befriended nearly all the officers he met during his time in prison.

"Officer please! Her name is Lightning Farron and she ran away today," Serah pleaded.

The officer looked her up in the database. "Miss, I sorry to inform you but this Lightning Farron is in our system as 'deceased,'" he said and turned the computer screen to show them the death certificate on file.

"How did she do that so fast!?" Fang said.

"I bet my boots she had it ready just in case," Sazh supposed.

"Back to square one…" Serah said sadly.

"Let's just put our brains together. Lightning's worst nightmare just came true, where would she go?" Snow said.

"Um, not to be judgmental but she does have a tendency to drink her problems away," Tidus said carefully; she was just like Lulu, but much nicer.

"So a liquor store?" Hope wondered.

"No…she wouldn't pay for alcohol if she could get it for free. She's at a dance club!" Serah realized.

They wandered around town and went into the first club they could find. Sora had brought a box with him and started spraying random club goers. "What's that smell?" someone asked.

"What is that smell you ask? Well well, let me tell you something," Sora gave his sales pitch with Kairi at his side.

Serah spotted a long line of men, and some women, waiting for something. "What's this line for?" she asked somebody.

"We're in line to talk with Electra," the man told her.

"_Electra….Lightning…electric…OF COURSE_," Serah realized Electra must be Lightning's new alias. She followed the line up to the source. "Lightning! We've been looking for you everywhere!"

"HEY!"

"GET IN LINE!"

Serah fetched the gang and they all got in line to talk to Electra. After a very long time it was finally Serah's turn. "One drink gets you 20 seconds," Lightning said half sober.

Serah paid for a drink with the only money she had in her Hello Kitty wallet. "You can't do this! You can't run away, change your name, and run from your problems. I know you got away with it once but you can't keep doing this!"

"I thought that by changing my name, I could change who I was. I needed to forget my past, so I became Electra," she drank the shot of whiskey. The 20 second timer on her phone went off.

"NEXT!" the people in line shouted.

Fang paid for the next drink. "I'd never thought I'd get my date with you like this," she admitted.

Lightning manually set off the timer.

"NEXT!"

Snow paid for the next drink. "Why ELECTRA? You should have gone with something like 'Shakira,' so people see your name and go 'DAYUM, we got Shakira in the house!?'"

The timer went off. "NEXT!"

Hope paid for the next drink; the bartender didn't even bat an eyelash to the fact that he clearly looked underage. "You're just going to abandon me right when I become a newly diagnosed diabetic!?"

"I told you! You prick the finger, check the sliding scale, and give yourself the insulin injection," Electra explained for the 3rd time that day.

"I can't do that to myself!" Hope pleaded.

The timer went off. "NEXT!"

Noctis paid for 10 drinks with his black card then slid them all away. "Just because you're being put on trial doesn't mean you're going to be found guilty…although you blatantly are. Sora said he'll be your lawyer and I'm sure all of us would risk perjury to prove you innocent."

"All I wanted was to retire young and die rich, is that too much to ask? Lightning screwed up but Electra still has a chance," she got angry.

"Then what's after that? What about if Electra screws up too?"

"I'll move to Tijuana and become Relámpago."

"The worst they'll do is give you a fine and monitor your taxes for the rest of your life. Is that really harder than changing your name and starting life all over again?" Noctis tried to reason with some white lies.

"Have you never paid taxes!? It's terrible, you work for your money only for the government to take it away, I'm not falling into that communist trap!" Electra said.

"Of course I pay my taxes. And car insurance. And health insurance!" Noctis said, knowing that Lightning has never paid for any of those things in her life. When he told his dad, the King of Lucis, that he wanted to go on the road and live as a commoner he meant it; taxes and all.

The timer went off and Sazh went next. "Girl you think you change your identity and that's that? You think you become Electra and everything will be sugar and rainbows!?"

"If I can't be Claire, Lightning, or Electra, what do you want me to do!?"

The timer went off and Vanille went next. "Maybe this is TMI but I just started my period and I don't have anything on me," she lied as loudly as the dance music could allow her.

"FINE!" Electra finally cracked, finished the drinks, and agreed to go back to the farm.

"Aw man!" the people still in line got upset.

Next time: The gang goes to Eden!

* * *

My sister and I are team #childHopeisbestHope LOL

And I'll tell y'all right now that Barthandelus, Jihl and Yaag Rosch will be making their appearance at the trial!

Please review! Thank you CookieKupo (Yes, I have Lumina planned for a future chapter!) and CustomEyes (I'm glad you liked that episode of JYK!)!

I can't believe it's been a year since I started publishing this fic O.O

See you all next time!


	33. Chapter 33: College Tour

Note: I changed Hope's dad's name to Greg and please excuse me for disobeying the laws of physics since you shouldn't be able to drive to Eden!

Chapter 33: Eden Part 1 College Tour

The gang were on the road heading to Eden for Lightning's trial a day early. She had decided to force Serah, Hope, and Vanille to check out the University of Eden to possibly enroll them just in case she loses the trial (and her livelihood). The three kiddos were in her car and everyone else in Noctis' sans Sora who, for safety purposes, was driving himself alone.

"According to the internet the top 3 highest payed professions are heart surgeons, astrophysicists, and NFL sports stars. Get choosing," Lightning prompted them.

"I call heart surgeon! Cuz for some reason people think I have a medical license so I might as well get me one," Vanille called first dibs.

Hope chose next. "Astrofisisiss, because science is cool?"

"I am NOT going to be an NFL player!" Serah said.

In Noctis' car, Sazh, Fang, and Snow were acting unsettled. He honked to tell Lightning "_SLOW DOWN WOMAN THIS IS A SCHOOL ZONE_" and the three screamed.

"Um, did something happen here?" Noctis inquired.

"No it's nothing!" Snow insisted. "We're totally not having PTSD flashbacks about running around here in Eden being hunted by the Sanctum for a bounty back in our FF13 days," Snow said.

"OMG!" Tidus in the passenger seat said. "I remember seeing that on the news! That was YOU guys!?"

"Keep quiet and no one gets hurt," Fang pulled a knife to Tidus' throat.

"Listen boy and listen good. We are Pulse L'Cie, enemies of Cocoon. This chocobo business, that's just to keep us on the down low. Our brands are reaching their final stage; we're running out of time-" Sazh started to crack and got out his gun.

"Sazh! Snap out of it!" Snow slapped Sazh to bring him back to the present.

They entered the University's premises and parked for the open house. Per Sora's request they sprayed on plenty of Kairi® Kouture by Kairi® of Kairi®'s Kitchen and went to sign in at a Kiosk. "Welcome to the University of Eden's Open House!" a volunteer greeted them and handed out name tags to fill out.

Sazh wrote Saxophone on his name tag. "Sazh, it's not 2010. I think we're okay," Vanille advised him.

"I don't want people knowing who I is!" Sazh said, still paranoid. Vanille followed suit and wrote Virus on her name tag.

They were walking through the school grounds when Snow needed to get something off his chest. "Serah…I'm gonna be honest. I'm not liking this whole 'leave the husband to do the housework himself and get a college education' thing," Snow admitted; he was quite old fashioned.

Lightning got mad. "Then YOU go to college! Wait, you can't, because you flunked 9th grade."

"Hey! You think I chose to become homeless instead of going to high school?" Snow reminded her. In reality he failed his 1st semester of high school, said "Screw dis!" and formed NORA. "You know what Serah, Imma call Meemaw and have her talk you out of this," he said and dialed his grandma.

"No!" Serah said knowing that Meemaw was a nutcase.

"Meemaw! Guess what, Serah wants to go to college instead of giving you snowman grandbabies. Can you please talk her out of it? YOU THE BEST MEEMAW!" Snow said, put her on speakerphone, and handed the phone to Serah.

"Hi Meemaw," Serah said nervously.

"Stephanie, Blease don't Do This. Do You Know what happens to little girls who go to Blay Outside Instead Of cook a good old pot of beef stew for Veteran's Day? They get krunked. But here's the secret sweet thing, if you Go To Ohio and talk to Jenny from the Block, he can show you where to get the knickerknackers for only 3. I'm telling you girlfriend you will save a least 40 dollars, it's the biggest scam in the world. Dermatologists Hate Him. And You Won't Believe What This Kid did for a Klondike Bar. Last time I talked to Stacey she said the poor thing fell out of a tree trying to run away from the Candy Man. And don't get me started on them chewable vitamin gummy bears. They tell you to apply 15 minutes Before Exposure But ain't nobody got time to check the oven if the duck's still raw. Experts Say A Spinach A Day keeps the iBhone at 99% charge for twice the price. What are you? Size 2? You NEED to try this green tea extract, Eau de Toilette. Jump once and the demons be gone. But what most People Don't Know is that The Government Is Funding A Program To Pray The Betray Away. This Little Piggy was Banned from Going to School for his Life Lessons for Tweens Behind the Scenes. First you'll be shocked, then you'll be inspired," Meemaw gave her words of wisdom.

"YOU TELL HER MEEMAW!" Snow cheered.

"Your grandma's a walking encyclopedia of clickbait articles?" Fang commented.

With Serah still held up on the phone, they made their way to a random classroom. On the board it said "Dr. Hojo. PhD. Biological Engineering" and there were large human sized test tubes filled with a glowing green substance.

"Two volunteers," Dr. Hojo requested.

Vanille went up to the front of the classroom. "No pain no gain!" She loved the pain and couldn't care less for the gain.

No one else volunteered and Lightning pushed Hope off his chair. "Go."

"No!"

"Be a man."

"I _was_ a man_._ Then you made me a kid again!" Hope argued, then gave in and went up with Vanille.

Dr. Hojo told the class what he was about to do. "Sephiroth, my son, has abandoned SOLDIER to become a high school principle. He no longer recognizes me as a father and is the burden of my life. The world needs another Sephiroth. Cloud was a failure and Shinra cut my budget. So I teach here to continue my research. Get in the tube."

"Sure!" Vanille agreed without a second thought and got into the tube. Dr. Hojo locked the tube door and pressed a button. A glowing blue-green fluid began to pour in and just as quickly was poured out. Vanille was let out of the tube exhibiting an increase in muscle mass and a new glowing sheen of blue-green eyes.

"Subject…Virus," Hojo wrote in a notebook after looking at her nametag. "No signs or symptoms of Mako Poisoning. Next," he began to shove Hope into the tube.

"WAIT!"

"HOLD UP!"

"Care to try Kairi® Kouture?"

"Run!" Lightning said and they all ran out the door.

Serah was still on the phone with Meemaw and the gang checked Vanille. "I've never felt so alive! Is this what it's like to be Zack Fair?" SOLDIER Vanille said on a Mako high.

"Zack's always on a Mako high, why do you think he's so happy go lucky? I think Cloud can use some dat Mako too," Sazh said, not knowing of how Mako Poisoning literally ruined Cloud's life.

They agreed to check out the cheer team next and headed over to the gym. Inside the indoor basketball court the cheer team was practicing some stunts and getting ready to start the try outs. Serah hung up on Meemaw midspeech to join in on the fun but spotted a familiar brunette male decked in the university's male cheer uniform.

"U. G. L. Y. You ain't got no alibi. You ugly! YE YE YOU UGLY!" the brunette male chanted and did several backflips and stuck the landing.

"Noel!" Serah and Hope exclaimed and went to greet their high school cheermate. Vanille walked by awkwardly.

"Hey, if it ain't the captain of the Bodhum Wildcats and our highest flier!" Noel instantly recognized them and gave them a group hug.

"That's me!" Hope said; he flew so high, because he was so smol.

Noel spotted Vanille. "Oh I remember you! What's your name again…Virus?" he saw her nametag.

"It's Ebola to you," Vanille shamed her high school crush.

"PLEASE tell me you're trying out for our cheer team. Yeul's been our captain since the school year started and she sure as heck can't yell like you can Serah," Noel explained.

"Hehehe, I get it from my sis," Serah giggled. When she wasn't at home getting bossed around by Lightning she would boss around her cheer squad 10 times harder.

The three kiddos went to sign in for the try outs and the rest went to sit at the bleachers to cheer on their youths. "Hey Snow…is it just me or does it look like Serah has a crush on that boy?" Fang teased.

"Nah! I've met that kid. He's a total loser, can't stop talking about those 'artifacts' and 'paradoxes.' Besides, Serah likes her men black," Snow explained.

Everyone looked at him weird.

"Em, you joking? You could tell me yer Steve Irwin's long lost son and I wouldn't even doubt it," Fang said.

"Wait, WHAT!?" Snow said. He dashed from the bleachers and left the stadium. He came across a water fountain and looked into the water at his reflection. The white man looking at him was not Meemaw Laquisha's grandson. He dialed her. "MEEMAW! Am I…_adopted_?"

"A single mother tries to buy a baby from a popsicle stand. The reason why will make you cry."

"_Oh my God_."

* * *

Lightning was looking around for something. "Did you lose something boss?" Tidus asked of her.

"That's Madame Boss to you, Ticket," she corrected him.

"TICKET!?"

"You looking for your next hunk of junk?" Fang supposed.

"Um, well that man in the purple tracksuit is the cheer coach," Noctis pointed out Caius Ballad, one of the only males in the vicinity.

"Hot DAMN," Lightning shot up.

"NUH UH! Hold up," Sazh grabbed her before she could leave. "You gotta choose one Light. You already got Laguna, Vayne, and Auron at your feet. If you ever want to find love being a pathological ho ain't gonna cut it."

"But I just want to give him the url for my Amazon wish list," Lightning explained.

The tryouts were finally starting and Serah was huddled with Hope and Vanille to decide on their routine. "Let's just basket toss Hope up as high as we can," Serah decided and got into formation.

"I'm telling you Caius, this kid flies like a paper airplane. He won us 1st place at nationals back in high school…like literally it was just him doing stunts everyone else was sitting out they got really pissed and half the team quit after that," Noel hyped up Hope's abilities. "U GO GIRL!" he cheered for them.

Serah and Vanille faced each other and put their arms in an X formation. Hope held onto their shoulders, jumped onto their arms and was thrown up a good hundred feet into the air. He did several twists before landing back into Serah and Vanille's arms.

"DEAR ETRO," Caius said and went over with the paperwork to get Hope onto the team.

Lightning came over. "How much do professional cheerleaders make?" she asked Coach Caius.

"Eight to ten grand a year."

"Hell no," she decided and dragged them out of the stadium.

"No!" Hope cried.

They all met up outside to decide where to go next. Snow was crying by a tree. "Awww Snowey Bear, did you get a paper cut again?" Serah asked, knowing that was why he always wore gloves.

"I'm…adopted."

"OH."

"When will my reflection show who I am _inside_?" Snow sang.

"So what next? Are the kiddos going to college or comin' back home to be your indentured servants Light?" Sazh inquired.

"We either find something that 100% guarantees becoming a multimillionaire to guarantee my livelihood or go on the run," Lightning explained. "Unless we sell Ticket to human trafficking…"

"WHAT!?"

"No one is selling Tidus' body and no one is going on the run," Noctis made it clear; he didn't go on the run when he was arrested for drug trafficking and sure as heck ain't going to do it for Lightning's tax fraud.

"Who cares about the trial! Let's get runnin' now, we've done it once and we can do it again. We can settle down in Oerba, my mum's rat skewers are to die for," Fang proposed.

"Hey, they have a drama club here. Maybe I can become a movie star!" Vanille quickly changed the subject since Fang still didn't know that Oerba is a dead wasteland.

They entered the theater and were greeted by the drama club, AKA the Tantalus Theater Troupe. "And when no one's lookin', we snatch up the princess and demand our ransom!" they plotted. "OH! Heya, you here to check out the drama club?" the monkey boy Zidane noticed the gang.

"Make me a star!" Vanille said and got up on stage to begin her drama piece. Everyone sat in the red velveteen seats to watch her improv piece. "SErah is a BITCH who hogs all the attention from Noel!" she started to create drama.

"HEY!"

"Hope looks like an oyster and smells like one too!"

"I can't help it!"

"Lightning is a SKANK and a botox monster!"

"No pain no gain," Lightning wanted to smirk, but couldn't.

"Fang KILLED A MAN and got away with it!"

"HEY! That was 600 years ago and you know I'm clean now!"

"Sazh's only working at the farm for the chicks!" Vanille continued.

"Guess it's time to come clean," he said and released all the chocobo chicks he'd been hoarding in his pockets and afro.

"Noctis and his buds store a car and sold it for girl scout cookie money!"

"Who told you? We were supposed to take that to the grave," Noctis felt betrayed.

"Snow HAS HERPES!"

"WHAT!?" Serah screamed as Snow ran out the door.

"And Tidus…has skin cancer!"

"Who?"

"Please don't tell Yuna!" Tidus pleaded.

Lightning dialed Yuna. "Yuna, breaking news: Ticket has skin cancer. Ticket. Yes. No, TIC-KET. T-I-C-K-E-T. Ok…" she finally hung up. "Does your wife not know your name…?"

"This is not what drama club is about. We have fun, not create drama!" Zidane said and kicked them out of the theatre.

"YOU!" Serah spotted Snow on the roof of an adjacent building and chased after him.

"What now? Everyone hates us," Fang said.

"Coach Caius loved me!" Hope reminded them.

"Whatever, let's get to the hotel," Lightning decided. They met Sora back at the parking structure to leave in their cars.

"GO GO GO!" Snow ran and hopped into Noctis' car.

* * *

"Aren't we forgetting somebody?" Vanille said when they were well outside the school premises.

"SH*T," Lightning made an illegal U-turn to head back to get her sister.

"Turns out Snow doesn't know the difference between herpes and canker sores!" Serah hopped in and explained the very awkward conversation she had with her husband.

They were already half way to the hotel when Hope realized something. "Um…Lightning, I left my inhaler at the farm."

"Dammit Hope, you had ONE job!"

_Flashback_

"_You got your inhaler?"_

"_Yeah."_

Back to present.

"We're super close to my house, can we stop there to pick up my backup inhaler my mom keeps?" Hope suggested.

Lightning agreed and their fleet all parked outside Hope's place at Felix Heights. "You're going to run in there, grab it, and run out. Got it?"

"Got it," Hope agreed and promptly ran to the door, knocked, and gave a hug to his mom.

2 hours later

"WHERE THE GHELL IS GE?" Fang got really impatient.

The gang had no choice but to investigate. They all went to the front door and were greeted by Nora, who was surprised by their show of force.

"Claire."

"Nora."

"Care to try Kairi® Kouture?"

"Nora, how you been? We were all actually on our way to…Disneyland and we need Hope back," Sazh got down to it.

"Nice to see you Sazh. Come on in, Hope's finishing up a snack," she greeted Sazh genuinely but reluctantly let in the others.

They walked into the mess of a home and saw Hope sitting at the kitchen table with a plate of cookies and chocolate milk watching the newest episode of Mi Principe Ignacio. He immediately stopped when Lightning gave him her "_You want to DIE_?" glare.

Hope's dad, Greggory, entered the living room. "Oh Nora, you should have told me we were having _guests_ over. It's not often you _clean_ this place."

"Well Greg, it's not often you're _here _in the first place, let alone leave Shinra HQ," Nora got shady.

"Guests! I bet you would love a tour of the home that Nora spends so long decorating with _confetti_," Bart pointed out the confetti all over the floor.

"Yes they would!" Nora said and forced everyone on a house tour. She led them to the first room. "This is my personal hair salon. I spent a fortune on these salon chairs," she showed off.

"Yup, NEVER used," Greg remarked.

"Speaking of never being used, how about you show our guests your _hoverboard_?" Nora suggested.

"With pleasure!" Greg said and led them to the garage. There were literal mountains of Hope's old baby toys on the floor. Greg retrieved the item he bought using their tax return money. "Isn't she a _beauty_?" he referred to the hoverboard.

"Aren't those banned because they catch on fire?" Lightning said.

"Exactly!" Nora said.

"Like YOU were banned from the hair salon for lighting your boss on fire?" Greg rebuked.

"_Again _with the arson," Noctis mumbled.

Fang came up behind Lightning, "Let's get out of here before we become witnesses to spousal murder," she whispered.

Hope entered the garage. "Mommy, I forgot how to do this," he stood with untied shoelaces.

"Of course sweetie," Nora said and tied his shoes for him.

"_Oh my GOD_," they all silently cringed at this mess of a family.

"Sweetie, how about you show our guests your room?" Nora proposed.

"Sure!" Hope got excited and led them out the garage and into his room. The walls were purple, there was a vanity filled with makeup and perfume, and his bed was very large baby crib. "Oh right!" Hope turned on his WiiU to add Larsa as a friend. Sora discreetly added a bottle of Kairi® Kouture to the vanity.

"Well Nora, lovely place you have here…but I think it's about time we get going!" Sazh suggested and the gang dashed to the living room towards the front door.

"Achooooooooooooo!" Vanille sneezed.

"So sorry for the temperature in here. The sliding glass door shattered," Nora pointed to the shattered glass door leading to the backyard. "It's a funny story actually. Greg ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck."

"That's _not_ a funny story Nora," Greg said. "Nobody's laughing!"

"Claire's laughing. Look at her face. She smiled," Nora pointed at Lightning's frozen straight face.

"So I like ice cream. Sue me! Oh wait, I shouldn't say that jokingly because she would sue me. Nora loves to sue," Greg started to crack.

"Well excuse me for preferring my sliding glass doors intact. I guess that makes me the devil!" Nora spat back.

"You are! You ARE the devil! AND I'M IN HELL!"

"Run!" Lightning said and ran from the devil herself.

Next time: SANCTUM VS. FARRON FARM

* * *

The part at Hope's house was from the Dinner Party episode of The Office! Fun fact, I used to be a cheerleader ^_-

Please review! Thank you cookiekupo, CustomEyes, and a Guest! :D

See you all next time…IN COURT!


	34. Chapter 34: SANCTUM vs FARRON FARM

Chapter 34: Eden Part 2 Sanctum versus Farron Farm

It was the day of Lightning's trial and the gang stood in the hallway outside the courtroom going over some things with their lawyer, Sora.

"First thing's first, I'm deaf and you only speak Spanish," Sora told Lightning his plan.

"Por supuesto," she agreed.

"No!" the gang pleaded.

"Second, here's the story we're sticking to: You're Electra and you have no clue what this Lightning Farron business is all about. Chocobo farm, what chocobo farm? You're just a tourist visiting from Tijuana to attend her sister Juanita's quinceañera. That's you Serah. Electra's flight back to Mexico leaves in 1 hour and the taxi driver's parked right outside the window honking nonstop. Noctis, that'll be you. Everyone else were guests at Juanita's party," Sora explained his scheme.

With the clock ticking the gang went into the empty courtroom. It took several minutes for the judge and prosecutors to enter.

"AHHHH!" they all yelled when Dysley, Jihl, and Yaag entered and took their places.

"Who are these people?" Tidus asked quietly.

"No! Por favor!" Lightning feared for her life in Spanish.

"Um, excuse me. You are two minutes late for the trial. My client is NOT a patient woman," Sora told the prosecutors.

"Young clown, your client is a criminal. Long time no see my l'Cie. Court is now in session," Judge Dysley hit the gavel at his podium.

"What?" Sora pretended to be deaf.

"Thank you your honor," Yaag kissed his $$. He took out several documents from a suitcase. "The Sanctum is investigating Miss Claire Farron AKA Lightning AKA Electra- "

"SHIZNIT!" Sora's plan went out the window.

"How did you know!?" Lightning was surprised.

"Lightning Farron submitted Claire Farron's death certificate and Electra Farron submitted Lightning's. Of course we would know!" Jihl said holding photograph stills of the footage of Lightning at the police station submitting the death certificates.

"As I was saying, The Sanctum is investigating Miss Farron for tax evasion, credit card fraud, modern day slavery, forgery, embezzlement, child labor, grand theft auto, aggravated assault, and burglary," Yaag finished.

"Woah," the gang clapped in their seats at Lightning's charges.

"Your Honor, my client pleads innocent to all charges," Sora said firmly.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Jihl smirked then proceeded to place several boxes labeled 'EVIDENCE' on the prosecutor table.

"Your Honor, my client pleads guilty to all charges," Sora changed his mind.

"You traitor!" Lightning slapped him upside the head.

"Now, what would we like to start with? Take your pick," Yaag prompted.

"The credit cards!" Sazh wanted the scoop.

Yaag opened a box of evidence. "Several men have reported fraudulent credit card charges for online purchases addressed to the Farron Sisters' Farm. These men include President Loire of Esthar, Vayne Solidor Consul of Rabanastre, Auron Guardian of High Summoner Braska, King Regis of Lucis, and rockstar/telenovela sensation Zack Fair."

"You CONNED Zack Fair!?" Hope felt so betrayed.

"You stole my dad's credit card!?" Noctis said and checked his wallet.

Jihl went and sat at Lightning's table, getting close and personal. "Miss Farron, do you love these men?"

"Ew no."

"Surely you love Zack Fair's bubble butt," Jihl continued.

"Who doesn't?"

"And what is it she did with the money?" Judge Dysley asked, munching on a bag of popcorn.

"No!" Lightning stood up.

"Liposuction sessions!" Jihl slammed the receipts on the table.

"WOAH!" the gang gasped.

"Call the press!" Fang roared.

Snow called up JYK. "Judge Yuffie! Lightning had lipo!" he relayed the info.

"Your Honor, my client is an aging woman and can't keep up with the likes of her prettier younger sister," Sora made up some BS.

"So you admit she committed credit card fraud?" Jihl prompted.

Sora looked at Lightning, who shook her head stiffly. "Yes."

"Goddammit YOU!" Lightning socked Sora in the face.

"Order in the court!" Judge Dysley hammered as Jihl and Yaag tried to save Sora from the fists of his client. "Speaking of the younger sister, how about we bring her to the witness stand and get down to business?"

"Yes Your Eminence," the prosecutors agreed. Serah walked up awkwardly to the witness stand.

"Follow my lead," Sora quickly told her on her way. "Señorita Juanita, yes or no did you just turn 15?"

"Who dat?" Serah forgot about the plan.

"I'll take it from here," Jihl pushed away Sora. "Miss Serah Farron. Describe your older sister to us."

"She's um…nice? And…pretty?" Serah tried to stay civil.

"Serah, let's cut to the chase. Tell us the whole story, starting from Claire's first job after your parents died and how she got paid," Jihl stared deep into Serah's eyes like a man woman.

Serah remembered it like it was yesterday. "Well, um, after our parents died Lightning, I mean Claire, decided to change her name to Lightning. But not legally just as a nickname. She was 15 and I was 12. She went around Bodhum going to every business asking for a job, but the only place that would hire a 15 year old at the time was a slaughterhouse. Right after school let out she would head straight to the slaughterhouse and would come home late at night smelling like red meat and murmuring things like 'I ain't no hollaback girl.' She didn't used to make much back then, I think she was getting paid 5gil an hour under the table. She did that for a few years, then when she turned 18 she joined the Guardian Corps. So she started making real money, I think it was then when she got the fake IDs for Lightning Farron. She would get her paychecks written to Lightning then cash them in at the liquor store with the fake ID. So she never filed taxes since Claire Farron technically never got a paycheck. Somehow she ended up at a dance club on a Tuesday night and was arrested for arson. She was charged with a felony and 'killed Claire' in a scuba diving accident. Then she legally became Lightning to avoid the jail time and now she's Electra."

"Goddammit Serah!" Lightning couldn't believe Serah had outed her without a second thought.

"So Ms. Claire Farron stole from the government WHILE she was a government worker," Jihl explained. "But Miss Serah, are you not also a co-owner of the establishment?"

"My sis bought the shares from me, this is all her now!" Serah explained how she was also now just a slave to Lighting's reign.

"Next witness, Mr. Snow Villiers," Yaag requested.

"Sweet!" Snow went to the witness stand. "First off, _lovely_ place you got here! I feel honored to get the chance to visit Eden for pleasure like this."

"Mr. Villiers, describe to us the series of events that led you to work at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm and your first few days there," Yaag prompted.

"I opened my _eyes_-"

"How about we fast forward a bit?" Yaag suggested.

"I get a phone call, it's my Baby Mama. She says Good Ol' Chocobo Bill died and the farm goes to her and Lightning and asked me to join in on the fun. The thing is I'm still in rehab and haven't brushed my teeth in weeks so I consult with my Meemaw and she tells me to 'Bollow my bream' so I'm like 'Oh YEAHHH!' then Serah's like "Ooooh Yeeeet!' and Light's like 'Hellll noooo!' So I show up at the train station and ask Lightning about our wages and she says 'What wages?' so Fang convinced her to give us $2 dollars an hour since she owned Lightning's soul-"

"I forgot about that! You and me gotta have a 'talk' after this, if you know what I mean," Fang winked at the woman on trial.

"Ms. Farron, do you not know of 'minimal wage?'" Judge Dysley said.

"Minimal what?" Lightning legit didn't know that term.

"Mr. Villiers, can you describe the terms of the contract you signed with Ms. Farron?" Jihl prompted.

"Of course!" he said and took out the contract from his coat pocket. "This thing's a gem! I keep it with me as a conversation starter. AHEM," he coughed then proceeded to read the contract.

"This contract certifies that I, the undersigned, consent to giving my freedom and unconditional loyalty to Madame Lightning Farron. I will not talk to her, or even look at her. I will wake up at dawn every day to do her bidding without expecting a word of praise or acknowledgement. I will not receive holiday gifts but will give Her Highness the equivalent of twice my monthly income in gifts per holiday, including Father's Day and Veteran's Day. In the case that my madame no longer desires my existence, I will move to the other side of the world and cut off all contact with my friends and family. Defiance of this contract is punishable with a 1 million dollar fine. Signed, Snow Villiers," Snow read the contract they had all signed upon being hired at the farm.

"Your employee contract is the same as your sugar daddy contract?" Serah was not surprised.

"Jesus Christ!" Judge Dysley had never heard of such a severe contractual agreement in his life. "Ms. Farron, this is modern day slavery. I hereby declare your labor contract invalid."

"WOOHOO!" the gang cheered.

"No! This wasn't what I wanted, this wasn't what I came her for," Fang got upset; she wanted Lightning to be free, not to be free from Lightning.

"Speaking of slaves, we would now like Tidus Arnold Taylor to the witness stand," the prosecutors requested.

"My turn now!" Tidus let out his battle cry and went up to the witness stand.

"Mr. Taylor, please describe your current legal situation," Yaag asked.

"It's a mess cuz I'm an illegal immigrant from Zanarkand, but legally I'm in a slave contract with my mother-in-law Lulu, although she calls it 'indentured servitude.' But if you guys are saying Lightning's is a slave contract too I'm gonna be in BIG trouble!" Tidus explained; the first commandment in Lulu's contract was "Thou shalt have no other owners before me."

"How did you get into your first indentured servitude?" Jihl asked out of curiosity.

"I washed up ashore on Besaid and Lulu took me into her home in exchange for 20 years of servitude. That was in 2001 so I still have a long ways to go! You guys should be suing HER! Not Lightning! I got 99 problems and Lightning's only like 3 of them!" Tidus explained.

"Nonsense! Were she be put in jail where would we go to see Lulu's Magic Shows and Fortune Telling?" Judge Dysley said.

"What is the worst thing Ms. Farron here has ever done to you?" Jihl got them back on topic.

"The worst she's done is make me dye my hair pink for no reason!" Tidus explained. In comparison, the worst thing Lulu ever did to him was curse him with incontinence, although she reversed the curse when her house started to smell like pee.

"Mr. Taylor, from my understanding you are a part time employee, do you make the same wage and receive the same treatment as the full time employees?" Yaag asked.

"I make half, so only 1 gil an hour! Which is insane considering that I used to get 100K blitzpoints per game back in Zanarkand. I was a KING," Tidus explained. "Here my wages don't even cover the car gas for Yuna to drive me to work! If we can settle anything from this trial I want at least 8 gil an hour!" he pleaded.

"Shut it Thailand, or I'll shut YOU in the attic with the snakes," Lightning threatened.

"Thailand!?"

"Well Thailand, if Ms. Farron here is proven innocent you will most definitely be receiving minimum wage. However as of now she is facing several years in prison," Judge Dysley said.

"SH*T," Lightning panicked.

"Your Honor, I'd like to call Hope Estheim to the witness stand," Sora said after receiving a note from Lightning saying, '_CALL UP HOPE NEXT HE GOT MY BACK_.'

"O-o-o-okkkkk," Hope stuttered his way up.

"Hope, how have you enjoyed your time working for the farm?" Sora asked.

Hope had written his response on a piece of paper beforehand so he wouldn't stutter, "It is gr8! Litnit is so nice, i feel like i am at diskneeland everyday! I meet a lot of kool peepull, Keeng Mickhee, Juj Yoofee, and Zeck Feir! My cowerkers are my frends and the chokobos are my fam."

"Would you say it is 'positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.[1] '?" Sora read from one of his printouts.

"Yeah!"

"Your Honor, Hope Estheim has just described his affairs with Lightning as 'Happiness,'" Sora said and handed over the printout of the Happiness entry from Wikipedia.

"Awww!" The gang teased.

"Would you say she is 'a member of a religious community of women, typically one living under vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience.[1] '?" Sora did it again.

"Uh, sure!" Hope agreed.

"Your Honor, as Hope Estheim has just confirmed, Lightning here is a nun," Sora said and handed over the printout of the Nun entry from Wikipedia. "You want to send a nun to jail?"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"Nun my BUTT!" Sazh cracked up.

"But Mr. Osment, our records indicate that the only religious community of women Ms. Farron belongs to is Zack Fair's fan club," Jihl said.

"No, they accept boys too!" Hope said as he too was a member.

"Any final words Mr. Estheim, before we move onto the next testimony?" Jihl wanted to get this kid off the stand.

"Yeah!" Hope said and took out the paper that Lightning gave him earlier to recite. "This is a letter to Lightning I wrote," he lied. "After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you but uh uh, oh no, you're wrong. 'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you

'cause it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, it makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter."

"Mr. Estheim, you wrote Christina Aguilera's hit song 'Fighter'?" Yaag knew his early 2000's jams.

"That's what this is!?" Hope turned back to Lightning.

"Someone else to the stand, _anyone_," Jihl started getting intense migraines.

"Pulse sista?" Vanille looked at Fang.

"SOUL sista!" Fang said and they went up together.

"l'Cie, describe to us a regular day working at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm."

Vanille went first. "Lighting wakes us up at 6am! She has us doing some jumping jacks and obstacle courses then we can finally eat. 9/10 times it's just SALAD. I lost like 20 pounds, my stomach pudge is gone but so are my cheeks! Then we have preconference and talk about what not to do for the day and the Kairi's Kitchen staff tells us what's on the menu. Then I go check on Apple Jacks to make sure he isn't jacking anything up then I check on Hope to make sure his shoes are tied then I go about my business, usually at the cash register. Every day we get a guy named Tyler coming in asking for the 'Happy Meal Deluxe' so I usually squirt him away with lemon juice. Me and Hope sit in the sun all day ringing people up and we usually play Hangman when no one's lookin'."

"You guys have been turning away Tyler!?" Snow exclaimed. Tyler was his customer; "Happy Meal Deluxe" was the code word for "Gimme dat Colgate."

"What is this Kairi's Kitchen?" Judge Dysley asked.

"It's my business, we sell homemade food! Well…we uSeD tO," Sora started sobbing in the middle of the courtroom.

Everyone just stared at him awkwardly not knowing what to do. Serah came up behind him and gave him a pat on the back. "It's ok Sora, it'll all be fine."

"kaiRi?" he turned to see Serah. "OH. You smell just like hEr."

"Well yeah, you have us wearing Kairi® Kouture by Kairi® of Kairi®'s Kitchen!" Serah said.

"Young man, I demand to see your food handling and business licenses for your establishment," Judge Dysley ordered.

"My what?"

"Mr. Osment, I hereby demand that you be put on trial after the conclusion of Ms. Farron's case today," Judge Dysley ordered.

"Shiznit!"

"Can I SPEAK now?" Fang got mad. "When the tourists get comin' me and Snow do our little tour of the farm. We get breaks and snacks and tips and health and dental insurance. At the end of the day we have post-conference, do some team building exercises then go out to eat at Red Lobster. We get back to the farm, play some board games, then we're in bed by 10pm!" Fang committed perjury for her queen.

"Breaks? More like headaches!" Sazh laughed.

"Care to come up to the witness stand to explain, Mr. Katzroy?" Jihl said.

"My pleasure!" Sazh agreed. He looked at Lightning, "Girl you know I got you but sometimes you gotta come clean-"

"No!"

"Here's the deal," Sazh started. "We eat the leftover chocobo feed for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And the rumors are true, it is just lettuce and kale! Except for the raisins, those are for Raisin Bran. We got security cameras all over the place, I mean there's 4 just watching Apple Jacks! Light's sitting in the living room watching our every move! I can't be giving anyone an extra 5 seconds at the chocobo rides without this chick running out the house and arresting me! And don't get me started on our 'chocobo jail,' it's just the pipes behind the house… she handcuffs you to the _pipes_! When the day's over we sleep on half of a twin sized bed that she charges us rent for!" Sazh spilled the beans.

"This is it," Lightning knew there was no way she could get away with it.

"Your Honor, this man is INSANE and his testimony is invalid," Sora made something up.

"How about we ask Ms. Farron's financial advisor, Prince Noctis of Lucis?" Jihl said.

"_How does everyone know?"_ Noctis was upset that his Sitcon alias still hadn't caught on. He went up to the witness stand with the financial documents and pondered on whether or not to commit perjury like he said he would. "I'm just going to give facts, no commentary. We charge $5 for kids, $10 for adults. We average over a thousand gil in revenue daily but report only a tenth of that. There is no orphanage on site like we reported on the tax return forms, no ancient Indian artifacts buried underground that's exempting us from property taxes, and there's definitely no deceased husband that Lightning's collecting the life insurance for."

"Any final words Ms. Farron?" Judge Dysley said to end the trial.

Lightning stood up. "I am a widow, a matron, and a protector of ancient Indian land and I have a flight back to Tijuana leaving in 5 minutes."

"Ms. Farron, you are found guilty of tax evasion, insurance fraud, modern day slavery, and for the first time in history…historic preservation fraud. You are sentenced to two years in federal prison or you may pay a one million dollar fine. Court is dismissed," Judge Dysley hit the gavel. "Mr. Osment, your trial begins in 5 minutes, you may go for a restroom break. "

"GOD F***ING DAMMIT," Lightning wanted to stab somebody so badly.

The gang left the courtroom to talk over the verdict in the hallway as Sora had his trial.

"I know this sounds crazy, but prison isn't that bad, especially if pretend you're mute and deaf," Noctis said from first-hand experience.

"I'M NOT GOING TO PRISON!"

"Isn't your house in Bodhum worth around a million dollars? Sell it and pay the fine!" Fang suggested.

"Oh no, what did you put up as collateral when you opened the farm?" Serah asked.

"MY HOUSE."

"So you either go to prison or we're homeless on the street!?" Sazh realized.

"I can't be homeless! My mom would KILL me!" Hope feared for his life.

"I can't believe I'm saying this…but maybe we should just go back to Oerba, and live the rest of our lives in solitude…even if it means I lose all my Instagram followers," Vanille started crying.

"So what's it gonna be!? I can't go back to working for Lulu all day!" Tidus panicked.

"Easy! Let's live on the streets, NORA has a special corner behind a dumpster in Bodhum no one else knows about, and the more people we have the less time each of us has to spend doing security watch at night," Snow wanted to return to his humble beginnings.

Just then Sora came out of his 10 minute trial. "PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN GIVE ME A LOAN," Lightning told him.

"I'm done for! Kairi's Kitchen is SCREWED! If my dad asks, I'm _not _filing bankruptcy!" Sora said, ran out the building, and hopped into his car to go file for bankruptcy and move to Connecticut.

"We have no choice…we're homeless," Lightning couldn't believe what she just said.

Next time: The gang is homeless on the streets!

* * *

Yup, you read right…homeless! This is not a drill XD They'll try their best to find a way out of the situation though ^_-

Please review! Thank you CookieKupo and CustomEyes! You guys are so awesome :D

See you all next time…on the day of Uncovered FFXV which I will be attending in LA!


	35. Chapter 35: Homeless

Chapter 35: Homeless

The gang was out walking on the streets being homeless. They walked by a TV store with several display TVs tuned in on Shinra News.

"BREAKING NEWS," Anchorman Reno said. "Our sources say that Sora Joel Osment, owner of Kairi's Kitchen, has been found guilty of securities fraud and is now on the run."

The footage switched over to an interview with Riku, "Kairi never did squat."

"According to our sources, Kairi's Kitchen never had a food handling nor business license, and was several million dollars in debt due to extensive advertising. Sora had reportedly oversold shares for the company to the point where he only owned 5% of the stock. To get him back on top he created 'ghost shares' for himself and spokesperson Kairi Panettiere. At the end of Kairi's Kitchen's reign Sora had produced a women's fragrance to recuperate for losses," Anchorman Rude said.

Serah's phone started ringing; it was Kairi. "Kairi, sorry I can't talk right now, we're kind of in a mess-"

"What's happening!? Where's Sora? And why aren't you guys back yet!?" Kairi said. She had shown up at the farm but was the only one there with Dajh.

"Tell her that Sora's broke and moving to Connecticut!" Vanille wanted to spread her insider news.

Lightning took the phone. "Kairi, listen to me. You're a grown woman now. Sora's on the run, but you don't need him. And Riku spilled the beans about your secret, but he was kind of sketchy anyways. You got a bunch of Kairi Kouture, so go sell it. You can get yourself out of this mess and you can do it without that son of an oil tycoon," she pep talked Kairi to distract herself.

"You're oddly calm for someone who just lost her livelihood!" Tidus teased.

Lightning broke down crying. "Hey!" the gang got mad at Tidus. Fang grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against a brick wall. "No one's asking you to stay Tidus, go can go back to Lulu right now and leave us be!" Fang said.

"NO! ANYTHING BUT LULU!"

Serah hugged her sister. "It's ok sis, let's think of this as camping! We're not homeless, we're camping…in the middle of town…" Serah realized how dire their situation has become.

"Yeah!" Sazh went along with it. "Come on Light, we'll go searching for…firewood or something and we'll find a place to put up Noctis' tent!"

"I'm telling you guys that thing only fits like 4 people," Noctis reminded them.

"Ok!" Lightning felt re-energized and ran away to get the firewood.

"I'll get looking for a place for the night!" Snow ran off too.

"Slow down!" the gang said and split up.

* * *

"Forget the firewood, where the heck's Electra!?" Sazh said after he, Fang, and Hope spent an hour searching around town.

"I found a stick!" Hope held onto a small twig.

"We're people, not mice!" Fang took the twig and threw it.

They walked into a park and spotted somebody up on a tree. "I ain't no hollaback girl," Lightning murmured and stabbed a branch with her emergency knife until it detached and fell to the ground.

"Dang girl, we got wood for days!" Sazh commented on the huge mound of branches under the tree.

"I'm coming sweet pea!" Fang started climbing up the tree. Lightning climbed back down. "Ok then," Fang went back down too.

"You just HAD to choose the tree with thorns!" Hope realized the branches had thorns.

"And you just _had_ to choose a boomerang for a weapon?" Lightning was still embarrassed.

"That was a birthday present…from YOU! You gave me the boomerang to 'defend myself'!" Hope said.

"Damn, what was I thinking?"

"We got the firewood, what's next sugarplum?" Fang asked.

"Now we need money…I got an idea," Lightning took out a blindfold and tied it over Hope's eyes.

"Um why?" Hope got scared by his new blindness.

"You're gonna stand by the freeway exit and ask for money. Who's gonna say no to a blind kid? That's what they did on that Slumdog Millionaire movie and he became a millionaire," Lightning said.

"Did you even _see_ that movie? That's NOT what happened!" Sazh said.

They proceeded to escort Hope to a freeway exit and left him there with a cardboard sign that said "Pleeze help, no money, no family, no eyes."

Lightning started walking away. "You're just gonna leave a blind kid by a freeway exit!?" Fang and Sazh couldn't believe it.

"You're just gonna stand around watching a blind kid beg for money at a freeway exit? I'll be back in a few," Lightning said and left to go find some free entertainment.

* * *

"What about this place?" Serah said as she was wheeled around inside a shopping cart by Snow behind a Target store looking for a place for the night.

"Nah babe, see that there?" he let go of the cart and pointed at a small pile of turd. "That's koala poop. They made THE worst neighbors," he said and went along.

"Is he _ok_?" Noctis asked Vanille quietly.

"Are YOU okay? Last time I checked the emo thing died in like 2006," Vanille wanted Noctis to keep up with the trends and get an undercut and man bun.

"Hey! Did you see those workers? They just threw a bunch of stuff in that dumpster!" Tidus saw.

The five went over to the dumpster to check it out. Snow opened the cover, stood on top of the shopping cart, and dove into the dumpster. "OUCH!" he yelled after suffering a concussion. "Hey! Look at all these violins!"

"Snowey Bear, those aren't violins. They're umbrellas!" Serah laughed.

"Serah, with all due respect I think we should take Snow to a mental hospital," Noctis said.

"We tried that years ago, it just made things worse!" Serah said. He walked in thinking he heard voices at night and walked out hearing the voices 24/7 and thinking his hair was haunted. Serah spent the next few weeks after that dating a bald Snow.

They put all the umbrellas in the shopping cart and went to the next dumpster. "Your turn Tidus!" Snow said and threw Tidus into the dumpster.

"OW!" Tidus rubbed his butt. "Hey, this one's so clean. It's practically new!"

They peeked into the dumpster. "Why is it fully furnished with a chair, rug, and TV!?" Vanille said.

"It has cable!" Tidus turned on the TV and tuned into RuPaul's drag race. "You go girl!"

"It's mine!" Vanille yanked Tidus out by his hair and jumped in to the dumpster.

"You guys, it's big enough for all of us," Serah giggled.

"Nuh uh," Snow started and got down on one knee. "Serah, babe, this one's for YOU. For all these years of dealing with my dandruff and mood swings I owe you at least this dumpster."

"That's so sweet Snow…but I think I'll stick to the shopping cart," Serah didn't want to hog it.

"I said GET in the DUMPSTER!" Snow got mad and shoved her in.

* * *

It was about an hour later and Lightning was returning to the freeway exit after failing to sneak into the movie theater to watch Magic Mike. "They did _not_ ditch me," she felt betrayed when she saw that Hope, Sazh, and Fang were no longer at the intersection.

Just then Hope, Sazh, and Fang exited a King Taco restaurant across the street laughing and rubbing their bellies. "Arriba!" they said in unison.

Lightning ran over. "Why do you guys smell like horchata?" she got nervous.

"Well well, if it ain't Ms. I'll Be Back In a Few. If you were really back in a few you wouldn't have missed joining us for tacos with Zack Fair!" Fang laughed at her face.

"WHAT!?"

_Flashback_

Hope was in the middle of the intersection and several cars were honking at him to get out of the way. "No money, no family, no eyes?" he tried saying. Sazh and Fang were supervising from afar.

A man got out of his car and went to Hope. "What are you doing!? You gotta get outta here!" he picked up the small boy and took him over to the sidewalk to put down. "What happened to dreams and honor?" he started to lecture Hope.

"Omg!" Hope recognized the voice and took off the blindfold. "Zack, it's me!"

"Hope! What in La Virgin Maria's name were you doing in the middle of an intersection pretending to be blind?"

"Funny story!" Sazh said when he and Fang came over. "Lightning's losing the farm so we're homeless now! HAHA!" Sazh cracked up.

"Sergeant Farron!?" Zack couldn't believe it. "I always thought of her as a strong, confident, business woman."

"Yeh, she was confident enough commit tax fraud and kill herself twice," Fang remarked.

"Oh…my God?" Zack wasn't even sure how that was possible.

"Yeah, Lightning's dead. She's Electra now," Hope said.

"Well if you guys are homeless, the least I can do is treat you to some King Taco," Zack offered.

"YEHHHH!"

_End Flashback_

"DAMMIT!" Lightning punched a brick wall. "And you just _had_ to tell him about what I did. I have an image to maintain you know."

"Well you should have thought about that before committing tax fraud and killing yerself twice!" Fang said.

"He wanted me to give this to you," Hope said and handed Lightning a sign up form for Shinra's SOLDIER program.

"No thanks," Lightning said and gave it back to Hope. Just then her phone rang; it was Snow. "Ugh, do I want to acknowledge his existence?" She decided not to. Then he called 6 more times. "Damn you, WHAT?"

"Um, ok don't be mad at me but Serah might be missing?" Snow told her.

"_Please_ tell me this is another one of your toothpaste hallucinations."

"We left her alone and she kinda disappeared?" Snow explained further but left out the part about the dumpster.

"Ok, where are you so I can punch you in the face personally?"

"We're at the junkyard, if you come across a shovel please bring it!" Snow said then got back to digging through the scrap metal with his bare hands.

Lightning hung up and they made their way walking to the junkyard. They passed by a familiar little girl. "Flowers, only 1 gil."

"You got a shovel?" Sazh asked Marlene knowing that if Barret had everything, she would too.

Marlene looked through her hiking backpack Barret had packed with goods. She took out a flower shovel, a regular shovel, and a shovel with metal spikes on it. "20 gil, your choice."

"5 gil, or no deal!" Sazh said out of instinct.

Lightning choose the one with spikes on it. She waiting until Marlene walked away, "This is it. We're killing Snow. But it can't be me because I'm the first person everyone will suspect." She looked at Hope. "If you do this I'll never talk trash your mom ever again."

"!" Hope panicked. He would do anything to have Lightning stop calling his mom "Satan's Final Aeon."

Fang took the shovel. "The heck can this kid do? He can't even open a can with a can opener," she volunteered for the cookie points. "If I succeed, you're trashing that sleeveless turtleneck crop top you hear?"

"Um, ok?" Lightning wasn't aware how everyone hated her sleeveless turtleneck crop top.

They entered the junkyard, a large gated lot with heaps of trash and scrap metal, and saw Snow's group rummaging around.

"ANYTHING VANILLE?" Snow yelled from one side of the junkyard.

"Nope, just a family of raccoons!" Vanille fought for her life.

"TIDUS?"

Tidus jumped. "N-no, nothing!" he said. He had actually found a pile of unsold copies of Jecht's memoir autobiography entitled _Three Dudes, One Whale. _"Oh My GOD!" he thought as he read about his old man's antics.

"NOCT?"

"Zzzzz."

"Dang flabbit! Where is she!?" Snow proceeded to board an excavator to hasten the search. Fang boarded the moving excavator with shovel in hand and snuck into the backseat. With Snow's head merely 2 feet away she lifted the shovel and got ready to strike. "Yo Fang!" Snow saw her in the rear-view mirror. "Thank Shiva you're here, and with the shovel too! Can you take over Noctis' area? AKA the Medical Waste corner? He's been off in dreamland," Snow said not knowing that Noctis was just pretending so he wouldn't have to risk getting stabbed by used needles.

"Croikey! Sure thing," Fang aborted the mission and got to work.

"Dammit! I have to do everything myself?" Lightning said and boarded the excavator. She got in the passenger seat and put her gunblade to Snow's head. "This is it Snow, nobody's going to be looking for a dead homeless man."

"Steven, what is that voice? She sounds like an angel," the person on the phone with Snow said.

"Meemaw, that's just Lightning, my sister-in-law!" Snow laughed. "You wanna talk to her?"

"No!" Lightning pleaded.

Snow handed her the phone. "Lisa, blease won't you come over to my party and sing me Ave Maria? Word on the street is Corey In The House is comin', and you know how hard it is to book Disney Channel stars for birthday barties nowadays. I'm telling you this kid will prove you've been eating watermelon wrong all your life."

"R-really?" Lightning would always just cut it in half and eat it with a spoon.

Just then a junkyard worker entered the premises. "Oh no, who are these trespassers!?" he said and ran over to the excavator. "Shut off the machine, and come down here! You're going to scramble the trash!" he said as Snow was scooping recyclables into the yard waste.

"Yo, Riku!" Snow recognized the worker and shut off the machine. Everyone stopped what they were doing go greet him.

Vanille bitch slapped Riku. "Why are you here? Why did you betray Kairi and Sora!? They worked hard too you know."

"After I found out about those ghost shares I knew I had to leave," Riku confessed. "Anyways, I work here. I left KK for this job at the junkyard. And why the heck are you guys here scrambling through all my trash?"

"What do you think? Serah's missing somewhere here and we're looking for her," Snow explained. "She's the only person that's willing to wake up at 6am to watch Mew Mew Power on 4KidsTV with me…I cannot afford to lose her!"

"What makes you think she's at the junkyard?" Riku laughed while shaking his head.

Snow looked around nervously. "Well you see…we found a dumpster, a really NICE dumpster. I mean you'd think it belonged to Nicole Richie. So I put her in it then we chased after a pigeon and when we came back the dumpster was gone!"

"YOU PUT SERAH IN A DUMPSTER!?" Lightning yelled, took out a knife, and attempted to stab Snow in the face.

"Hey, hey! WOooooAh!" Snow did a matrix backbend.

"A really nice dumpster huh?" Riku said. He went out to the street to his trash truck and drove it into the yard; there was a dumpster still hooked up behind it. He parked the truck and went to unlock the lid. "Serah!"

"OH MY GOD," Serah jumped out and kissed the dirt ground with relief. "I'm saved!"

"Wow, it really is nice!" Hope's eyes got big looking at Serah's prison.

"Yeah, it's _my_ dumpster," Riku said and gave it a pat. "Sometimes I'm up really late working and don't have enough time to drive back to Destiny Islands. So I furbished this dumpster for myself to spend the night in if I have to. Everything you see inside came from this junkyard."

"Even the robot cleaner?" Fang couldn't believe it.

"Especially the robot cleaner. I mean we have a whole section here for discarded robot cleaners…I don't really know why," Riku scratched his chin. "Sometimes I take some down to the pawn shop for some extra cash. Although I really don't think they want any more robot cleaners."

"Boss, you thinking what I'm thinking?" Noctis asked.

Lightning put on sunglasses. "Oh yeah."

"Riku, sorry for wrecking your junkyard. Will you allow us to take some stuff down to the pawn shop? We're actually homeless. Sora was a terrible lawyer and lost us the farm in court," Noctis said.

"Why am I not surprised?" Riku was not surprised. He raised his eyebrows. "Go for it, I get paid for overtime anyways." They got to rummaging the instant Riku said "go."

After gathering the loot they walked over to the local pawn shop. "Welcome!" the clerk greeted them. "The name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

"Cut the crap Axel. We got stuff and you want it," Lightning greeted back.

"Well we'll see about that. What'cha got?" Hope went first. "DUDE we got so many of these, we don't want any more robot cleaners!"

"But this one plays music!" Hope said and pressed the button. It started playing "La Cucaracha."

"That _is_ pretty neat," Axel said after a quick dance. "I gotta ask my boss though." He opened the door to the backroom. "YO MANSEX GET OUT HERE!"

Xemnas, the owner of the pawn shop, went out to see the commotion. "Darkness!" he disapproved the musical robot cleaner.

"What about this little nugget?" Tidus placed a piece of gold he found.

Xemnas took the nugget. "What nugget?"

"The one I placed right there on the counter?"

"Where?"

"What about this?" Serah placed a one-size-fits-all latex Bayonetta cosplay onto the counter.

"Where are the matching guns? It is incomplete," Xemnas declined.

"But omg, I need it!" Axel begged his boss. "Besides, we got plenty of guns," he pointed to the wall of guns, "But not enough cosplay," he pointed to his pathetic Cosplay Corner he'd been trying to establish for months.

Xemnas sighed. "5 munny," he offered Serah.

Lightning slapped him. "How _dare_ _you_ speak to my sister like that?"

Fang slammed her first on the counter. "_10_ munny," she joined in.

"20 munny?" Xemnas got confused.

"40 munny."

"80 munny!"

"Sold!" Serah stopped the auction before things got out of hand. She made the transaction with Xemnas and they left the pawn shop. On their way to nowhere they passed by a Fortune Teller establishment.

"Hey! Why don't we try our luck and check out our future? Who knows, maybe Hope's got a girl in his future," Sazh proposed.

"My mom would KILL me!"

They entered the establishment; the walls were painted purple and the place was decorated with random bohemian trinkets. "Welcome! My name is Vivi, how may I help you?" the proprietor greeted them and tripped.

"AWWW!" they all squealed and went to hug him.

"Say cheese!" Vanille took a selfie with Vivi. #HowDoYouProveThatYouExist? #MaybeWeDontExist

Vivi had them sit around his table with his crystal ball. "What would you like to know?"

Snow climbed onto the table. "Is Meemaw serious about Cory in the House?"

"Yup," Vivi didn't even have to consult the crystal ball.

"Ok, I need a train ticket to Kansas and I need it yesterday," Snow knew it was too late to make the party and see his Disney Channel hero.

"Vivi, do you see wealth in our future?" Lightning got down to it.

The Black Mage looked into the ball; it was showing some cloudy images. "I see…I see…a tube top, a mini skirt…and thigh high boots."

"Ok, do you see these on rich man or something?" Lightning inquired.

"I see them on a lady," Vivi explained. They sighed.

"Is this a _pretty_ lady?" Fang asked.

Vivi giggled. "She's sitting in this room!"

"Well well, I am flattered Vivi, but I'll stick to my ankle booties," Vanille figured.

"Oh Wise One, hath we endure nights on the street and hollow bellies?" Sazh tried to be respectful.

Vivi gazed into the crystal ball. The visions were red and violent. "What you pursue will be yours. But you will lose something dear."

"Huh?" they wondered.

Tidus was shaking. "We will kill Sin, but then become the _next_ Sin?"

"No silly!" Vivi laughed. "Your father will."

"MY OLD MAN!?"

They got up to leave. "Thanks Vivi," Noctis paid for his services. He waited until no one was looking. "Will my game really make it out this year?"

Vivi held his hands. "It's been a long time. Too long. Not much longer." They shed silent tears.

"Yo! It's dinner time, we gotta get to the soup kitchen fast before they fill up!" Sazh said when he looked at his watch for the first time today. "Time really does fly when you're out in the hood."

They made their way to the local Salvation Army soup kitchen; there was a huge line of people, not all of them homeless. A volunteer was trying to shoo away the imposters. "Axel, please leave."

"Ah man!" Axel was hoping to grab a free meal and left to go back to the pawn shop.

The volunteer saw the Farron Farm gang. "Hey! What are you guys doing here? This is free dinner service for the homeless. If you're looking for a place to eat I've heard good things about Eiko's Corner down the street. The servers are all moogles."

"Really!?" Serah got excited.

"Tifa!" they greeted her.

"Tifa, don't tell anyone. But we're hom-*cough cough*," Lightning couldn't say it.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that," Tifa leaned in closer.

"We're…_sin hogar_," Lightning hoped Tifa knew Spanish.

"One more time?"

"Homeless!" Fang yelled it to the world. "WE'RE HOMELESS AND WE'RE PROUD! I'M HOMELESS AND I'M PROUD!"

"Even you, Prince Noctis?" Tifa couldn't believe it.

"No, but Lightning said she'd brand me a traitor if I didn't go along with it," he answered.

"Oh!" Tifa understood. "Like Barret always used to say, 'Ain't no gettin offa this train we're on!'"

"What train?" Lightning didn't understand.

"Where is this train?" Snow asked.

"Is the train leaving!?" Serah panicked.

"I'll go look for it!" Tidus left to go look for it.

Tifa face-palmed. "Forget it. Oh, the line's moving. Be nice to Cloud, it took me forever to convince him to become a volunteer," she bid them farewell.

After what seemed like forever the gang finally reached the inside of the building and got their trays. They started going down the food line. "Hello, my name is Cloud. Would you like the chicken or the pork?" he repeated word for word that Tifa told him to say.

"Ew! What are _you_ doing here Cloud? Last time I checked you made SOLDIER. Or was that all a lie?" Vanille shamed him.

"Uh, well Tifa wanted me to broaden my horizons and do community service. So here I am. And, well…I _was_ a SOLDIER," Cloud fought back the tears of being kicked out after 2 days in the program.

"Cut the chit chat Cloud. I want the chicken and I want all of it," Lightning said.

"B-but-"

"_All_ of it Cloud."

Cloud proceeded to hand over all the chicken. They went to sit down and overheard Tifa say, "Cloud, come on. Really?"

"Can I say grace?" Hope requested before they started eating.

"Make it quick," Lightning said, starving since she missed out on the tacos earlier.

Hope took out his handwritten prayer book. "God is gr8, God is gud, let us thank for the fud. Amen."

"Amen!" they dug in sans Tidus who was left outside stuck in line after failing to find the train.

Snow was swallowing the chicken pieces whole. "Slow down, you're going to choke!" Serah tried to stop him.

"Oops! Sorry. I guess all the toothpaste burned off the sensation on my tongue," Snow didn't realize how much he had been eating.

Tifa turned on a microphone and stood where she could be seen. "Attention guests. Tonight we have the donation closet open. Feel free to take any pieces of clothing you need. But please reserve the tattered jeans for the teenagers."

"Darn it!" Noctis said.

Tidus finally made it in. "Hi Cloud!"

"I am so sorry. We are out of chicken," Cloud said sadly word for word what Tifa had told him with tears in his eyes.

"Ok then," Tidus didn't argue and went to sit with his group empty handed. He saw the chicken buffet they had at their table. "Sweet!" he said and ate with his hands in true Zanarki fashion.

The girls went to check out the donation closet. "Kawaii!" Vanille immediately started taking all the pink items.

"Light, how do you like this?" Fang tried on an authentic Japanese kimono.

"Yeah. Looks _great_," Lightning said sarcastically.

"A&amp;%&amp;JGUAXG# " Fang spazzed out and decided to wear it every day for the rest of her life.

Serah saw something peculiar in the corner of the closet; it was a set of three items. "Oh my GOD!" she covered her mouth and tried not to scream out loud. She tugged at one of Lightning's numerous belts. "Sis, look at this," she pointed to the items.

Lightning couldn't believe it; it was a tube top, a mini skirt, and a pair of thigh high boots. "Is this what Vivi was talking about? But what does it mean? Go try them on," she asked of Serah.

Serah agreed and came out of the dressing room a minute later; the outfit fit her terribly. "Sis, it's not me."

Lightning took her turn trying it on. "It's _me._" She took out a piece of paper from her pouch, took a good look at it and frowned. She changed back so Fang and Vanille wouldn't notice and placed the outfit in a black plastic bag then left the dressing room. "Serah, I think I know what this means. But you're not going to like it. And you're going to hate me."

"What?" Serah got really worried.

"I'll…explain later," Lightning decided to give herself time to think about it.

They went back to the dining room to leave. "Nice kimono, very sugoi desu," Snow complimented Fang.

"Areegato!" she replied.

"Boss, Tifa said the shelter's all booked for the night. So I was thinking we set up camp at the park," Noctis proposed.

"Yeah, sure," Lightning didn't really pay attention to what he said.

There was a ton of chicken left over. Sazh decided to pack it in his backpack. "Dajh is going to be SO happy!" he looked forward to bringing it back to his son.

They left the Salvation Army and made their way around town to the park. It was already nighttime and for some reason the streetlights were out. "No worries!" Vanille said and lit a garbage can on fire.

"What's that smell?" the gang asked as they set up camp in the park.

Sazh opened his backpack and took a whiff; the chicken had spoiled. "Dajh is going to be so sad," he said sadly and regretfully dumped the chicken into the fire.

"Hey hey hey!" Snow noticed Lightning building something with the pile of wood she had chopped down earlier. "Not cool sis. If we're sleepin' out in the cold you are too!"

"But I'm almost _done_!" Lightning didn't want to abandon building her fort.

"Just let her DO it!" Serah's voice cracked. She knew that woodwork was Lightning's rock bottom coping mechanism. She finished the fort then joined everyone sitting around the campfire on the grass.

"So, um, anyone got any ghost stories?" Serah asked.

"Sure," Fang volunteered. "One time I ordered a horse on Ebay for 99 cents 'FREE SHIP HONG KONG' and when it came it was just a little Lego horse!"

"Uh, that's a ghost story?" Sazh asked.

"Shoot! I thought you said _post_ story."

Tidus was rocking back and forth thinking of a memory from his childhood in Zanarkand. "I got a ghost story. But, you might not sleep tonight."

"I wasn't plannin' on sleeping anyways!" Snow got excited.

Tidus braced himself. "This was a really, _really _long time ago. I must have been like 7 or 8 blitzyears old. It was late at night and I was in my bedroom trying to get to sleep. The door was closed and the lights were off. Then I saw that the lights in the hallway turned on…and I could see the shadow of someone walking outside the door through the little gap at the bottom. Then my bedroom door opened…and it was _nobody. _It was just a pair of slippers. So I stayed still in bed trying not to make any noise and the slippers _walked_ in, walked around for a bit like it was looking for something, then walked out and the door closed."

"AH!"

"HOLY SH*T," Noctis shat his pants.

"Not cool Tatami," Lightning said as she tried to console a crying Hope.

"Tatami!?"

"Sis, you got some ghost stories too right?" Serah asked. The craziest paranormal stuff used to happen at Lightning's house in Bodhum.

This was it. "This isn't a ghost story, or even a story. But it's hella scary." Lightning prepared to make an announcement. She took one last look at her employees whom she had dragged down to the point homelessness. "I'm going to ask Laguna to marry me."

"WHAT!?"

"AH!" Serah screamed.

Lightning took out the invitation card for the New Zanarkand Inauguration that she had kept in her pocket and laid it out for all to see. "The party's tomorrow. And," she took out the tube top, mini skirt, and thigh high boots set. "This was what Vivi was talking about."

"No no no!" Serah pleaded. "You're not going to marry a sugar daddy! You-you're, g-gonna, find a nice guy and," Serah started crying. "And fall in love, and get married on the beach and be happy."

"No," Hope too weeped.

"Light, you don't have to do this! We can make this work, we can live humbly and if we're all together we can do anything!" Sazh had tears in his eyes.

"I got us into this mess, I got to get us out of it. With just one of Laguna's credit cards I can pay the million dollar fine and we'd be back in the farm. He's no Zack Bootylicious Fair but he's nice too," Lightning said. "We'll go to the Inauguration tomorrow and hopefully I'll walk out with a joint bank account with the President of Esthar."

"Well well," Fang got up. "If this is how it's gonna be, I volunteer for wedding planner."

"Limo driver," Noctis volunteered.

"Flower girl!" Vanille volunteered.

"Ring boy!" Hope volunteered.

"The black dad you never had!" Sazh volunteered.

"Security!" Snow volunteered.

"Errands?" Tidus volunteered.

"Bridesmaid," Serah said.

"You guys," Lightning's eyes got watery.

Next time: What will happen at the New Zanarkand Inauguration?!

* * *

You guys…I cried so much writing this last part T.T

And I hope Tidus' ghost story didn't scare you…because that's MY ghost story. It happened so so long ago, but I remember my heart thumping so loud and being so scared! :0

Anyways, next chapter will be one huge party! :D

Please review! Thank you so much CookieKupo and CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time! As I am uploading this chapter I am heading out the door to Uncovered FFXV!


	36. Chapter 36: Last Resort

**Tuesday April 26: Sorry guys, I can't update chapter 37 by this Wednesday. I started my preceptorship at the hospital so my schedule has been intense. If I can't finish the new chapter by this Thursday it should be up by next Thursday. So sorry! **

Edit 4/14: I'm putting this note up here instead of at the end because I don't want to end on this low note. But you guys I am so so sorry, I'm finally rereading the entirety of this fic for the first time and I just noticed how many typos and grammatical errors are in the first few chapters. I wrote those chapters back when I had to disable autocorrect for my Spanish and Japanese homework. I have a much higher standard than that, everything will be fixed for the Final Mix version that I will upload when this fic is complete!

Chapter 36: Last Resort

Lightning, Serah, and Fang sat in Noctis' car as he sped down the freeway to Esthar at a modest 60mph to the New Zanarkand Inauguration. They had stopped to buy Lightnng's "wedding dress" at Target and get her hair done at Super Cuts and were now hella late as everyone else was already there.

"Can we go any faster than glacial speed!?" Lightning got mad.

"Nuh uh, people around Esthar are total narcs. I'm not going to jail, not again," Noctis refused to break the speed limit.

"Stop moving!" Serah said as she was hand sewing a tear in her sister's thigh high boots, which they had learned were NOT made for walking.

"And YOU missy!" Fang turned around from the passenger's seat to point Lightning in the face. "You're on your best behavior today. None of this 'get down here cadet' or 'cut the chitchat' or 'maybe' you got it? I can't be doin' my job as the wedding planner if there isn't no wedding!"

Laguna texted. _"Where are you the party's already starting?"_

"Where are we?" Lightning asked.

"About 40 minutes away," Noctis answered.

"_Chill out we'll be there in 5 minutes,"_ she texted back.

30 minutes later.

"_Are you ok?"_ Laguna texted again. _"I am waiting in front of the hotel."_

"_Yeh we're here we're looking for parking," _she answered even though they were still several miles away.

15 minutes later.

"Why are there so many one-way streets!?" Noctis was getting super confused on the neon glass streets of Esthar and driving into oncoming traffic.

"AH!" Serah feared for her life.

10 minutes later.

"Go go go!" they finally parked the car at a McDonalds across the street.

"_Where the hell are you we've been looking for you!"_ Lightning texted Laguna as they got out the car.

"_Do you see a bus? I'm right behind it."_

Lightning saw the bus across the street he must have been talking about. _"I swear to god if this isn't the bus you're talking about I'm going to lose it." _The bus moved out of the way. _"Ok you got lucky this time."_

They jaywalked and met Laguna on the other side of the street. "Woah! You look great!" Laguna said as he saw Lightning in the tube top, mini skirt, and thigh high boots.

"And?"

Fang was holding the zipped up garment bag with the wedding dress inside. "What you got in the bag?" Laguna asked as he led them through security into the New Zanarkand hotel, resort, and casino.

"A scuba suit," Fang made something up. "What room are we?"

"Room FF13!" Laguna said and gave them the key cards. "Welcome to New Zanarkand!" he said as they entered the club.

The place was insane; the architecture was made to look just like outdoors Zanarkand INDOORS. On the dance floor were hundreds of people just jammin' it, on the left there were gogo dancers dancing on top of gogo dancers, on the right was an actual shark tank with actual sharks, suspected on the ceiling was a blitzsphere, and in the middle of it was Jecht on DJ mixing up some hard screamo rock tunes.

"Yeah….no," Noctis wanted out.

"I'll give you a few minutes to settle down in your room, I'll meet you on the dance floor Light," Laguna allowed them.

The four went to an elevator. "Which blitzfloor?" the attendant asked.

"Uh…blitz13?" Serah figured. The attendant nodded and pressed the button. They entered the hotel suite and were greeted by a panicky Hope.

"Wow!" they said. The suite was the entire floor and was decorated in true Zanarki fashion (whatever that means).

"What took you guys so long!?" Hope said. "Snow, Sazh, and Vanille are down at the party and Tidus is stuck doing some blitzball games."

"We couldn't choose a dress!" Fang said and hung up the garment bag. "I wanted soft that shimmers, Serah wanted something clean and shiny, Lightning wanted something that could kill a man, and Noct wanted us to go to an actual bridal gown store," she described their argument at Target.

"So what did you choose?" Hope wanted to see.

Fang unzipped the bag. "You'll have to wait and see," she winked. "OK, so Im'ma be running around trying to get this wedding ready," Fang said and pointed at Lightning's face. "So if YOU don't show up ready with a groom you're gonna have to deal with _me_!"

Lightning and Serah left the suite to go back down to the party. "I hope Snow's not in that shark tank," Serah said with worry on the elevator ride back down.

"I hope's Snow's in that shark tank!" Lightning replied. As the elevator doors opened she saw somebody familiar a few feet away. "SH*T!" she said and pushed the elevator button to go back up. "Auron's here!"

"And?" Serah asked. "OH NO."

"Serah," Lightning got serious.

"NO."

"You're Claire today," Lightning said. "Get back up to the suite and change into my everyday outfit. Noct should have plenty of hairspray to do your hair like mine."

"Noooo!" Serah pleaded and she got shoved out the elevator.

* * *

"Claire," Auron saw Lightning as she came back to the party.

"I'm not Claire," she walked past him.

* * *

Snow was looking at the shark tank. "What's stopping you?" Vanille asked him. "It's not like you got a job to keep, a kid to water, or plants to feed," she wanted him to do it.

"I dunno…if Serah finds out she might just divorce me," Snow was conflicted.

"Come on up!" the shark tank attendant announced. "Make the shark eat a blitzball and win a FREE BLITZBIKE."

"OH YEAHHHH," Snow was sold. "Hang on to these will you?" he handed Vanille his pants scarf and crystal tear. He climbed up the ladder to the top of the clear glass tank. The attendant handed him the blitzball and he jumped right in and immediately regretted it; the shark ate his boots right off his feet. "HE GOT MY BOOTS!" Snow managed to say underwater. He shoved the blitzball into the sharks mouth but wasn't able to retrieve his boots.

"Woohoo!" Vanille cheered him on.

Snow came back out of the tank drenching wet and leaving trails of water behind him. "Here is your new blitzbike," the attendant handed him the keys.

"Oh yeah!" Snow went over to the motorcycle on display and turned it on. "It's REAL!" he said happily; Lightning once had the nerve to gift him a fake motorcycle for Christmas. He turned it off and looked around the party. "Um, so where do I put it so no one steals it?" he asked the attendant.

"Beats me, your bike, your problem now," the attendant said and bounced.

"Uh…" he sat in his blitzbike without a clue of what to do.

"Eighteen buckles!?" Serah couldn't believe her sister had to buckle eighteen buckles every morning and unbuckle eighteen buckles every night.

"No, her hair goes the other way!" Hope realized Noctis styled Serah's hair reversed: curly on the top and spiky on the bottom.

"Are you sure?" Noctis wasn't even sure himself. "I mean I never really look at her face, most of the time I'm looking at her checkbook that thing's freaking a mess."

Serah put on the gloves and went over to Fang. "What do you think?"

Fang stopped her bouquet making at the dining table and turned to look. "You look like a poser!"

Serah dug through Lightning's backpack to retrieve her signature scent Versace Pour Homme and spray it on before leaving the suite. "Wish me luck!" she went to the elevator and went back down to the party.

"I don't get it," Hope didn't get it. "Why does Lightning care about keeping Auron around if she's going to try to marry Laguna?"

"Well Hope, some women are very evil and keep men around for convenience," Noctis told him how it is.

"Ohhh."

Serah was practicing some lines on elevator ride back down. "You take me for a fool? You make me sick. I ain't no hollaback girl," she quoted a few of her sisters most common phrases. The elevator doors opened and she thrust herself into the party with a newfound confidence.

"Care for an appetizer?" a server offered her some bacon rolled jalapenos from a large platter.

Serah knocked the platter to the ground. "Care for a punch in the face?" The server ran away.

"Dayum," some men saw and approached her. "Can we buy you a drink?"

"You can buy me some of this," Serah said with a straight face and handed them print outs of Lightning's Amazon wishlist and walked away. _"This is actually really fun!"_ she thought. She spotted Snow and Vanille by the arcade machines and went over. "Why aren't you making me money?"

"HAHA!" they laughed when they saw Serah in the Official Lightning cosplay. "What happened? Did she chicken out and make you seduce Laguna instead?" Vanille asked.

"No, Auron's here somewhere so she's making me keep up the deal," she said.

"Wait, how?"

"Easy," Snow knew. "Laguna knows her as Lightning, Sir Auron knows her as Claire, and heck Zack Fair knows her as Sergeant Farron. As far as she's concerned as long as there's a body to play the part she can be 3 different people at the same time," he explained. "Hey babe, you um…know anywhere I can store this motorbike? And uh…you got any spare boots?" he showed her his bare feet and prize he hauled across the dance floor.

"Um…no?"

"Darn! So I have to drag this around with me all night!?" Snow felt the burden of the blitzbike.

"Well you should have thought about that before going into that shark tank," Vanille spilled the beans.

"You did what!?"

"Hey look, it's Auron!" Snow pointed behind Serah and ran away as fast as pushing his 1 ton blitzbike would let him when she wasn't looking.

"Claire," Auron greeted her. "There's another person here that looks just like you."

Serah thought for a bit. "Yeah, she's my cousin. I hate her. You _talked_ to her? How dare you." She grabbed the nearest object, a fork from a bystander, and held it to his throat. "You talk to her again tonight and you're gonna get it."

"I won't even look at her!" Auron agreed.

* * *

Lightning was at the bar with Laguna when she started getting several email notifications on her phone. _"What the heck?" _she thought when she saw they were all Amazon wish list order confirmations from strangers.

"Anyways, I thought I was dying so Kiros and Ward take me to the ER and the doc tells me, 'Sir, get out of here you are having leg cramps not a dislocated heart attack.' HA!" Laguna cracked up finishing his story about his first leg cramp.

"Haha, you're so _funny_," Lightning said with a fake ass smile and punched him in the arm.

"OUCH!"

DJ Jecht started firing up a My Chemical Romance mixtape. "This is my JAM!" Laguna spazzed out. "Come on Light, let's get gettin' on that dance floor," he started moonwalked.

"_GOD NO."_ she thought. "Oh yeah," she said.

Laguna started doing some freaky head banging, air guitar, Irish step dance combo. "Show me what you got."

"_You don't wanna know what I got,"_ she thought, but started twerking anyways.

"OH YEAH!"

* * *

"Serah, if you don't want to be scarred for life don't turn around," Vanille warned her not to look at the dance floor.

"Is she…getting freaky?" Serah feared.

"Oh yes."

The two girls were making their way to the upper level to watch the blitzgame happening in the suspended blitzsphere. "Besaid Aurochs versus Luca Goers. Place your bets!" the attendant told them.

"I don't know, should I?" Serah asked Vanille.

Sazh appeared. "HECK YES YOU SHOULD!" he said and showed them the sacks of blitzbucks he had been winning all night. "Tidus is unstoppable, that boy is practically a money printing machine!"

Tidus exited the blizsphere limping. "I can't…take…anymore," he said having played 8 games in a row.

"BOY YOU GET BACK IN THERE OR YOU BEST BE PRAYIN' I WON'T BE USING THESE BLITZBUCKS TO HIRE YOUR HITMAN TONIGHT," Sazh threatened him to do another game. Tidus turned around and limped back into the pool and Sazh proceeded to bet all his blitzbucks to win even more blitzbucks.

"Well, I don't know about you Serah, but I have nothin' to lose!" Vanille said and proceeded to put down the entire contents of her wallet, $2, to bet for Tidus.

"Hmmm, what would my sister do?" Serah thought. "Oh!" she went over to Auron. "You want to give me $20," she said, not as a question, but as a demand. He handed it over without a second thought and she proceeded to also bet on Tidus.

The blitzsphere started glowing neon colors as the match was going to begin. Tidus was slapping himself in the face and doing the Macarena to stay awake in preparation for his 9th match that day. The Luca Goers exited the blitzsphere. "Huh?" Tidus said underwater. Jecht entered the blitzsphere. "MY OLD MAN!?"

"Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in history…a one-on-one blitzmatch against blitzstar Jecht and his blitzson Tick Tock," the announcer said.

"Oh, not you too!" Tidus knew that his dad made the announcer say Tick Tock.

"Oh no!" Serah and Vanille panicked over the security of their $22.

"OHHHHHH NOOoooooOOOO!" Sazh freaked out over the security of his 56K blitzbucks.

"Gonna cry? Are you gonna cry?" Jecht taunted his crying son.

"I'm going all out!" Tidus manned up and did the first Jecht shot.

Jecht Jecht shot back to Tidus, who Jecht shot back to Jecht, who Jecht shot back to Tidus, who Jecht shot back to Jecht.

"For some reason, seeing Zanarkand's two best blitzplayers endlessly Jecht shooting each other is not as entertaining as it seems," Sazh didn't know if he should stay around. The entire crowd ended up abandoning the match, leaving Jecht and Tidus to blitz to the death without witnesses.

Serah got a phone call as she was wandering around the club. "Yup? I mean…new phone who dis?" she answered.

"So is this wedding happening or not?" Fang asked.

"I'm not sure…Snow, any word of Lightning's progress?" she asked her fiancé as he was karate chopping anyone who tried to touch his burden of a blitzbike.

"Last I heard she was stuck playing Mexican bingo with Laguna somewhere!"

_Somewhere_

"_El pino!" the bingo moderator announced the next pictogram in the bingo room._

"_Pine! Pine! It's the Pine!" Lightning told Laguna. _

"Why do you ask?" Serah asked Fang.

"I'm at a store across the street and we found some Zebra and Cheetah balloons I know Light will love. But they're bloody expensive and I don't want to commit unless we're 100% sure it's happening," Fang explained her, Hope, and Noctis' predicament over at Party City.

"But you're the only one that likes them," Noctis tried to talked Fang out of it.

"Come on, who doesn't like balloons!?" Fang was shocked that they were arguing in the first place.

"You would be surprised!" Hope said, knowing that Lightning's instincts around balloons were to shoot them.

"Well, let me get these and I'll let you get what YOU want, ok?" Fang proposed and proceeded to tell the balloon guy to inflate a dozen cheetah and zebra shaped balloons.

Noctis and Hope took the cart and went down the aisles of Party City. "Ooooh!" Hope jumped up and down on a pogo stick from the Clown College Graduation Section. He put it in the cart. "And these too!" he added in a balloon animal kit.

"If you say so," Noctis decided it would be far more interesting to go with it and see Lightning's face when she sees the mess of her "wedding" ceremony. He joined in on the fun by adding some ghost decorations and tombstones from the Halloween section to the cart. "Can you chisel in the phrase 'my freedom'?" Noctis asked the in-house tombstone chiseler.

"Of course!" the chiseler said and started working.

They paid for the décor, over budget of course, and stuffed the crap in Noctis' car. They drove back to the New Zanarkand Hotel Resort and Casino to get setting up in the ceremony room Fang had reserved. "Hey hey hey!" she yelled when she saw people setting up for some kind of freakshow. She approached the hotel manager, "Excuse me, I reserved this room for today and clearly I was lied to!" she tried so hard not to smack the man in the face.

"Sorry, our mistake. This room has already been reserved by the Furry Convention. But they say they're willing to share half the room as long as you don't impede on their talent show," the hotel manager apologized.

"Bloody Pulse!" Fang had no choice but to comply and start setting up their decorations hoping that Lightning wouldn't mind all the people in the fursuits.

Hope sat in a corner trying to make some balloon animals but was clearly failing. A kind pink dog furry approached him and showed him how to make a balloon dog. "Thanks!" Hope was thankful. Then a fox furry showed him how to make a balloon fox and a unicorn furry showed him how to make a balloon gator.

Noctis got out his wallet and approached the furries. "We got a wedding later today and I will _pay_ you guys to sit in the audience," he laughed. The furries agreed and he proceeded to hand them his personal cash. "This is too fun," Noctis said and proceeded to make some phone calls to further screw up the ceremony.

* * *

Lightning and Laguna were at the balcony watching the blitzdeath match still going on._ "Sh*t sh*t sh*t!"_ Lightning mentally panicked as the hours went by without getting the wedding proposal out of Laguna. "So, uh what do you _propose_ we do next?" she tried to drop a hint since all those hours of Mexican Bingo and Dance Dance Revolution didn't do the job.

"Speaking of proposals-"

"_HOLY SH*T."_

"Hehehe, this is kinda sudden…I mean since I met you just a few months ago but…will you… OH GOD NOT NOW," Laguna fell to the floor in intense pain.

"Call 911!" some onlookers said as they saw their president dying on the floor.

"Dammit don't bring in the medics!" Jecht saw the predicament and left the blitzsphere mid match.

"OH MY GOD! I won!" Tidus couldn't believe he beat his dad by default.

"OHHHH YEAHHH!," Sazh yelled and ran over to claim his blitzbucks.

Jecht came over to Laguna and got down to his level. "Snap out of it!" he slapped the President of Esthar in the face. "This fool keeps thinking his leg cramps are heart attacks."

"Hey! Honest mistake," Laguna managed to get up and walked around in circles until the excruciating pain was gone. "Anyways will you marry me Lightning!?" he said before the cramps would come back.

Fang appeared out of nowhere on a scooter. "We're on?"

"Maybe," Lightning agreed to the matrimony.

"Mr. President, I've got ye covered. The wedding ceremony will be in 8 minutes in the conference room. Come as you are," Fang said. "Damn girl you really cut it close."

* * *

"WE'RE ON!" Vanille screamed hysterically in the middle of the dance club the instant she got Fang's text.

"We're saved!" Snow picked up Serah and spun her around like a rag doll. He dragged his blitzbike, which he found out wasn't even street legal outside of Esthar from a shady man locally known as "the Rage", to the ceremony room with Serah and Vanille.

"Wowwwwww!" Vanille said when they entered the room and saw all the furries. "Am I in heaven?" A random furry hugged her. "I am," she shed a tear.

Hope approached them with a clipboard and a trash bag. "Fang is getting Light ready and Noct is picking up a VIP guest from the airport. So I'm in charge!" Hope said happily. "Ok Serah, as bridesmaid you were supposed to throw a bachelorette party yesterday?"

"Oops!" Serah laughed.

Hope gave Vanille the trash bag. "These are the flowers Noctis got you for your flower girl number."

She peeked into the trashbag. "Aw! They're fake flowers!" she was disappointed.

"No worries," Snow started and took a fake flower. "These will represent the fakeness of Lightning's heart, and face," he said then threw it to a pack of hungry furries.

"And you Snow, Noct says that as security you cannot let in anybody on the banned list," Hope handed him the banned list. There was only one name: Electra Farron.

"Woah! This is gonna get _interesting_!" Snow looked forward to it.

With Laguna standing at the altar in his regular club clothes, Lightning, Fang, and Sazh were outside the room getting ready for the procession.

"All this rukus for a wedding and you choose a men's khaki business suit!?" Sazh questioned Lightning's choice of bridal wear they had gotten from the clearance section of Target.

"We only had like $5 after the shoes," she said and showed him the lethal stilettos that could kill a man.

"Here's yer vows, I printed myself a Marriage Officient license from the internets and Noct already has all the bank papers to make it official. Whenever you're ready," Fang said and left the bride to go to the altar.

Snow stopped Lightning and Sazh before they could walk down the aisle. "Excuse me ma'am," he got out his fake police badge. "Blaze McRivers, FBI. I have strict instructions to not let you into this wedding."

"For f*** sake Snow," Lightning couldn't believe it.

"Look I don't know what to tell you," Snow put his hands in the air. "See for yourself," he handed her the banned list. She tore it up. "OK you got lucky this time!" he had his laugh and opened the door to the ceremony room.

"WHAT THE F***," Lightning said when she saw the ceremony room.

First of all, 95% of the audience were people in fursuits, second there were tombstones scattered throughout that had the phrases "my freedom" and "singlehood" and "being a ho." There were a bunch of balloon animals floating in the air because Hope thought it would be funny to fill them with helium. For some reason the movie Shrek 2 was being broadcasted on the projection screen and Vanille was sitting in a bowl of fruit punch. "Oops, that's my cue!" she said and got out of the punch bowl. She went down the aisle throwing the fake flowers in all directions as a group of middle school band kids mediocrely played "Eyes on Me."

"HA!" Noctis laughed as he filmed Lightning's reaction on camera to put up on Youtube later.

Sazh weeped the whole way as he walked Lightning down the aisle. At the end he got out his guns, "You hurt her you're getting it, I don't care if you're the president," he pointed at Laguna's face. Snow peacefully escorted Sazh off the altar to his seat.

Fang took center stage and began the ceremony. "Two beautiful souls, here today to become one in the name of Pulse-"

"In the name of SHIVA!" Snow got furious from his seat.

"-and proclaim their love for all eternity, in front of friends and family," Fang finished. "But first a message from the best man," she got ready to introduce the VIP guest that Noctis had paid for. "Ladies and gents, Snoop Dogg!"

"WHAT!?" they couldn't believe it.

"OH MY GOD," Sazh screamed as his childhood hero went up to the mic on the altar and the furries howled in glee.

"Hey," Snoop Dogg greeted them. "I don't know these people, but they seem cool. Mr. President is looking good for having the burden of a country on his shoulders and Miss Bride is smokin' in that men's suit. That's all I got," he said and gave the audience a peace out sign.

"WOOF WOOF!" the audience cheered.

Fang took her place once more. "Lightning Farron, do you take Laguna to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part."

"Maybe."

"Laguna Farron, do you take Lightning to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part."

"Oh yeah!"

"You may now say your vows," Fang said and walked off to go get some fruit punch.

Laguna went first. "Light, I met you at the Gold Saucer and I knew you were different from most women. First of all, you don't use spoons and refuse to let people touch you but most importantly, I have never met a woman that enjoys Mexican Bingo more than I do!"

"Yeah, I _enjoy_ it," Lightning said sarcastically. She got out the paper of the vows that she had Fang write for her with the clear directions to not commit her to anything. "Roses are red, violets are blue, you bring me something new."

"Beautiful!" Sazh wept his heart out.

It took a minute of awkward silence for Fang to realize they finished the vows and she ran back up to the altar and spilt some punch on the way. "Now you may shake the bride's hand. I repeat: SHAKE THE BRIDE'S HAND." Laguna shook her hand. "HASTA LA VISTA!"

"WOOF WOOF WOOF!" the audience cheered a the middle school choir and band kids began to play NSYNC's Bye Bye Bye. _"I know that I can't take no more, it ain't no lie, I want to see you out that door, Baby bye bye bye!"_

Snow came up behind Laguna and grabbed him by the shoulders. "You're coming with _me_," he said with a threatening tone and pulled a potato sack over the President's head and threw him over his shoulder.

"What's going on!?" Laguna panicked. He was taken to a darkly lit room and put down in a chair with Lightning and Noctis sitting on the other side of the table with Snow guarding the door.

"Mr. President, congratulations on your marriage. I am your wife's financial advisor and we have a few things to settle," Noctis said as he took out the bank documents to settle the deal. "I need you to sign here, here, here, here, here, here, and here," he instructed Laguna.

"Ok," Laguna low-key feared for his life and agreed to sign the documents for the joint-bank account. "Wait, who's Electra!?"

"You're looking at her," Lightning said.

Laguna got to signing all the documents. "Even this 2 million dollar tax evasion fine!?"

"Especially that one!" Lightning and Noctis said.

The instant Laguna put down the pen Snow opened the exit door, lifted Laguna off his seat and started pushing him out. "Light, you got my number, if you ever need anything just give me a text!"

They waited until Laguna was out of sight. "AW YEET!" the three cheered with messy high-fives.

* * *

Up in their suite the gang was having a huge celebratory party! "WEEEEEEE!" Hope jumped up and down on the couch with muddy shoes that he went out of way to soil in the balcony garden.

"And you! And you! And you!" Vanille went around smashing every window with a baseball bat to celebrate.

Lightning was wasted and singing Rihanna on the karaoke machine on full blast with Serah. "Pay me what you owe me, don't act like you forgot! Bitch better have my money! BITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY! PAY ME WHAT YOU OWE ME!"

Sazh was on the phone with Pizza Hut with Lightning's new credit card in hand. "Hello, I would like to order 100 pizzas!" he said happily. "Oh you're closing in 10 minutes? So sorry," he hung up.

Fang was stuck in the bathroom vomiting from the tainted fruit punch and Snow was with Noctis and Tidus smashing every porcelain plate, vase, and TV down to the floor.

There was a knock on the door and they all went silent. Lightning went over to answer it. "Excuse me, we have been receiving noise complaints from the guests downstairs," the hotel manager said.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Lightning slammed the door on his face.

Next time: The gang is saved and back at the farm with money for days!

* * *

Haha! Lightning's a married woman now, although that doesn't mean she'll stop being a ho XD

Please review! Thank you so much cookiekupo and CustomEyes!

See you all next time ^_^


	37. Chapter 37: Mo' Money Mo' Problems

Edit Tues 5/17: Again I am sorry, chapter 38 isn't finished yet because I got so busy with my preceptorship. It'll be up ASAP since I have an entire week off now!

Chapter 37: Mo' Money Mo' Problems

The gang drove into the parking lot of the farm having just escaped the craziest week of their lives. "I swear Light, you're the only person in the world that can say she was a criminal, homeless, and the First Lady of Esthar all in one week!" Sazh laughed as they entered back into their humble abode.

"Yeah, my autobiography will be a hit. I'll call it, 'From Bitch to Rich,'" Lightning joked as they settled into the kitchen.

Kairi came out of the bedroom with a cutely dressed Dajh. "What happened? I finally talked to Sora last night and he said you guys were losing the farm."

"What did you do to my son!?" Sazh asked and reclaimed his son who was now sporting cute poofy pigtails and a Dora the Explorer outfit. "Como estas?" Dajh started to speak in tongues.

"Long story short, my sis married the president of Esthar and we're rich now!" Serah explained to Kairi.

"Oh no!" Hope said as he sat in the couch of the living room watching the Shinra News.

"BREAKING NEWS," Anchorman Reno started. "We have word that Vayne Solidor, Emperor of Arcadia, has been assassinated. This throne will succeeded by his younger brother Larsa Ferrinas Solidor."

The footage switched to a press conference in Archades with Larsa. "Hello press. It is to my dismay that I must inform you that my older brother, friend, and colleague, Vayne Solidor, has been assassinated by a band of rebels from the Rabanastre Chocobo Farm," Larsa explained with the utmost composure. "His castle, his bank account, and the entire empire are mine now. I assure you that I will become the emperor Arcadia needs and comply with the Dalmascan rebels. That is all."

"GOD F****ING DAMMIT," Lightning punched the table, causing it to collapse onto the floor. "I COULD HAVE BEEN THE WIDOWED EMPRESS OF ARCHADIA! But NO, I had to choose Laguna instead! And who knows we he's going to kick the can."

"Oh yeah…he was telling me how Esthar's medicine is becoming so advanced that citizens are living to 150 now," Noctis teased.

"DAMMIT. When will I be _free_?"

"Girlfriend you got yerself into this mess in the first place!" Fang said.

Vanille was looking through the fridge as the gang argued over Lightning's poor life choices. "Aw man!" she said when she was reminded that all they had to eat was lettuce and kale. "Hey, how about the first thing we do with Lightning's credit card is get us a personal chef?" she proposed.

"You mean the second thing," Lightning said just after clicking the "buy" button for a vacation castle in Thailand online on her phone.

"Great idea! How about we get ourselves _Kairi's Kitchen_?" Snow thought out loud.

"Yeah! Do it!" Kairi got excited.

"What are we waiting for? Call Sora, get him over here!" Serah said; she could not, will not stand another day of chocobo feed.

Kairi did so and Sora showed up at their doorstep minutes later. "Wow! Weren't you in Connecticut?" Tidus was surprised to see him.

"So uh, I'm _banned_ from Connecticut," Sora said with shame. He had come with Riku and the three Kairi's Kitchen staff members sat in for the important meeting.

Serah made the first offer. "We will buy out Kairi's Kitchen for one million gil."

"HAHAHA!" Riku slapped his knee.

"Two million?" she went up a little higher.

"How bad is it?" Lightning asked.

Sora took a deep breath. "300 million."

"OH," everyone gasped.

"WHY!?" Sazh couldn't believe that a teenage boy could drown himself that much into debt.

"Let's just say, I owe _a lot_ of people _a lot_ of money," Sora explained; for instance he owed the Church of Yevon millions for getting Kairi's name in the bible, and the Occuria for manipulating history to his favor. "And don't even get me started on Kairi Kouture; I got the mayor of Destiny Islands at my throat for causing the extinction of paupu fruit."

"Yeah, thanks," Riku said since his primary source of free food was no longer existent.

"I know it's a lot of money, but if you buy us out we'll be your personal chefs and be able to relaunch my Kitchen," Kairi said enthusiastically.

The gang turned their backs to SoKaiKu and huddled. "I don't know…should we?" Lightning started. "I mean, how much did Kairi's Kitchen really matter to the farm?"

"Don't even get me STARTED!" Tidus said and slammed the pile of hate mail he had just retrieved from the mail box when they got back that morning. He opened up one random letter, "Dear losers, what happened to Kairi!? I swear to god I will burn that barn down if I don't see Kairi's face next time I bring my kids to visit. She's the only reason why little Timmy finally stopped eating soap and god forbid if that little punk needs to get his stomach pumped again I will personally get a sex change, dye my hair, and become the next Kairi. Sincerely, Dave."

"Is Dave single?" Vanille asked.

"Are they all like that?" Noctis asked.

"There's one from that Larsa kid, but yeah that one's one of the civil ones!" Tidus said. He and Noctis proceeded to take the pile of mail and personally respond to each complaint.

"Thanks for the hate, we appreciate it. Take care," Noctis wrote.

"Can we say yes to the broke rich boy!?" Fang joked.

Serah turned back to the kids. "Can we do a payment plan? I mean 300 million up front is really pushing it!"

"The yakuza are literally outside the door waiting to kill me," Sora explained and pulled back the curtains to reveal the group of men in black suits with metal rods right outside the window.

"Are _they_ single?" Vanille asked.

"Well, I guess I can spare 300 million," Lightning laughed and wrote the check for Sora.

"Oh my Nomura," Riku couldn't believe they agreed to it; he low key wanted to see the Sora vs. The Yakuza boss fight. Sora took the check, ran out the door, and handed it over to the men in black.

"Now that THAT'S settled," Snow said and turned to Kairi. "Give me Pro-Namel, medium rare. Some Sensodyne with chili powder; if my face isn't red, I'm sending it back. And some horchata while you're at it!" he placed his order.

"Uh…" Kairi stared blankly.

"I'll take care of it," Riku said and went back to his place in the kitchen.

Hope was reading Larsa's latest letter from the mail. "Hope Estheim, as you may have heard my brother no longer resides in the realm of the living. He did however leave some property behind for your Baroness. I have included the deed. Regards, Larsa Ferrinas Solidor, Emperor of Archadia."

Hope wrote back to his friend. "Ohemgee! Dat is awfull, may he rest in piss. And THANK I will give the deed 2 litning!" he finished writing. "Hey Vayne left you something," he handed over the deed to the Air Fortress Bahamut.

"Ew," Lightning said and threw it away.

Since they had money for days, the gang spent the afternoon relaxing and having fun. Lightning was on the roof shooting at some geese with her new rifle, Sazh was planting a vegetable garden with Dajh to teach him self-sufficiency, and Fang was practicing her pole vault in the corral. Inside the house Hope was catching up on Zack Fair's telenovela as Vanille sat by shopping online for a boyfriend and Noctis and Tidus finished up with the hate mail. Serah and Snow were giggling in the office (the bathroom) and were finishing printing out some papers from the printer sitting on top of the toilet. "Babe, you sure about this? I mean, someone might get murdered tonight," Snow laughed at what Serah was planning.

"It will be fun, I promise!" she insisted and they went to the living room with the papers.

"What is he putting in the pozole!?" Hope worried as the antagonist of the show poured some strange powder into the bowl of soup and served it to Zack's character. He ate the pozole and dropped to the ground. "AHHH!"

"Shush! I'm trying to concentrate here," Vanille said as she sat on the couch with Hope filling out a survey on the rent-a-boyfriend website. "Hey Hope, do I want a boyfriend that's hot or ugly? If I choose ugly that means I'm the hot one but is it worth it?"

"What happened to 'I just want a boyfriend to show off like a trophy, a cute trophy,'" Hope quoted her from two minutes ago.

"Hey guys~!" Serah tried to catch their attention.

"Dear Dr. Hojo," Tidus was writing a letter. "We are happy to inform you that Kairi will be returning with her Kitchen. Please stop sending us packets of Jenova cells." He then called the CDC to come send someone to dispose of the biohazardous material.

"Guys, we're having a staff appreciation award's ceremony tonight!" Serah had to yell to get their attention and handed them the papers. "Here's the ballots, cast your votes and give them back to me or Snow."

"I'm Snow!" he reminded them.

"The Golden Globes?" Noctis looked at the ballot. "'Most likely to destroy a talented man's potential'? We're really going there?"

"Oh, we're going there," Snow didn't even understand where "there" was. He and Serah went outside. "YO BITCH FACE!" Snow yelled up to the roof.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?" Lightning said immediately shot at him.

"Not when she's holding the RIFLE!" Serah and pushed her 250 pound husband aside to dodge the bullet.

"Oh it's nothing! I was just casting my vote for 'best resting bitch face' for the Golden Globes tonight!" Snow explained and got up off the dirt ground. He crinkled up the ballot and threw it up, hitting her face. "The award ceremony's tonight, be there or be square!"

He and Serah moved on to Sazh, who was knees deep in the soil. "And you put the seed in the soil, and pour some water!" Sazh finished teaching Dajh how to plant and grow cash crops. "But if you're a bad little boy, the Sasquatch comes and eats _everything_."

"no!"

"Old man, sorry to interrupt your 'angerculture' but we need to 'harvest' your votes for the Golden Globes tonight!" Snow said, stepped all over the vegetable patch and handed the ballots.

"HA! Oh man this is gonna be brutal," Sazh laughed at the categories and got to voting.

They walked over to Fang, who was literally using her spear to practice pole vaulting. "Fang, can you take a quick break for us? We need to give you your ballot," Serah asked of her.

"You practicing for the Olympics? Good luck, I heard Tidus is a BEAST at pole vault; he doesn't even need a pole!" Snow laughed and handed the ballot.

Fang was drenched in sweat. "Light said…she hypothetically…might consider to date an Olympian," she could barely breathe. "I need to get good, the Olympics are this summer!"

"But she's married!" Serah was simultaneously surprised, yet not, that the marriage didn't cure her pathological hoe-ness.

As nighttime rolled by Serah and Snow finished up preparations for the Golden Globes. They had forced everyone to stay outside the house until the ceremony. "Snow, where did you put the awards!?" Serah panicked; they had spent all afternoon making and painting golden paper-mache chocobos.

"Oops!" Snow said and quickly checked the bathtub; the awards were sitting in the bathtub, completely melted. "OK, so I might have put them in the bathtub to dry, forgot to take them out, and took a shower."

"HOW!?" Serah couldn't believe it.

"I don't have answers!" Snow felt embarrassed.

Serah went to Kairi in the kitchen. "Kairi, I need something, _anything_ to be our awards."

"Um," Kairi thought quickly and went to retrieve some bottles of Kairi Kouture.

"Aw man."

"Hurry up I need to pee!" Hope was banging on the front door. Serah went to open it and everyone stampeded in. Hope didn't make it to the toilet and peed his pants in the living room.

"For f***'s sake Hope!" Lightning shouted.

Riku walked by with a tray of shrimp tempura appetizers to set out and slipped in the puddle. "Darn!" he spilled the shrimp everywhere.

Everyone got settled in their seats for the award ceremony and were served their dinner meal of chicken chop suey courtesy of Kairi's Kitchen. Serah and Snow had put up some leftover chocobo themed decorations and made a makeshift stage using bundles of hay. Serah went up to the microphone to begin. "Ladies and gentlemen, employees and comrades, friends and family-"

"We get it, you love us!" Vanille interrupted.

"Welcome to the first annual Golden Globe Awards!"

"YOU GO GIRL!" Snow cheered her on.

"Why is it called the golden globes? We're not Hollywood actors! We're Japanese Role Playing Game protagonists," Sazh said.

"Because our chocobos are gold!" Serah explained. "Get it? Get it?" No one got it. "Tough crowd. Ok, all votes were tallied by Kairi so everything's fair and a surprise. First award is 'the most improved employee' and goes to…Tidus!" she read from the envelope.

"Who?" Lightning looked around the room.

"You know, petite, blond, kinda of a wimp?" Fang reminded her.

"You mean Thursday?"

"Wow! Thanks guys!" Tidus went up to the stage of hay to retrieve his award.

"Not fair! His bar was set so low, the only thing he could do was improve," Fang complained. "I showed up to his gig _illiterate_ in Cocooneese and I still managed to memorize that entire book of chocobo facts for the tour!"

"I learned several school years' worth of math in one afternoon for my duties!" Hope added.

Serah handed Tidus the award (Kairi Kouture bottle) and the envelope for the next award. "The next award is for 'the least improved employee' and the winner is…" Tidus opened the envelope. "NOCTIS!?"

"What!?" Noctis felt betrayed. "Why?" he went up to retrieve the award anyways.

"Easy!" Sazh started. "First few weeks you were giving us our paychecks, no problem. Then you started making errors. I got one paycheck for only 50 cents!"

"That's no error," Lightning mumbled; that festival back in chapter 14 cost so much they could only afford $5 to go to payroll.

"Yeah, and you're asleep half the time nowadays. If you ask me you're getting a little too comfortable," Vanille said. "I think we ought to put a few glass shards in your shoes, that'll keep you on your toes."

"Good grief," Noctis gave up and read the next winner. "Highest Customer Satisfaction Rating goes to… Snow?"

"ME?" Snow felt so happy.

"HIM?!" Lightning felt so confused.

"Thanks dude!" Snow said as he got up to take his award. "I am honored to be standing here representing the highest standard of customer service presented in this institution. I strive to make every single customer feel taken care of and entertained to the best of my ability and with a kind, friendly smile. Any problems are addressed promptly and suggestions are always welcome. I pledge my alliance to the sick, the poor, and the gays to provide non-discriminatory service as a proud representative of the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm," he said diplomatically.

"Bravo!" Serah clapped for him with others following suit.

"What? How?" Lightning said. "You're constantly late, drive the shuttle off route, and say whatever you want!" she had been witness to Snow's debauchery far too many times.

"You kiddin'? The kids love Snow," Fang said. "Little Jimothy wants to find ancient chocobo fossils, Snow's driving him to the mountain! Little Becky doesn't know why to take to prom, Snow's listening to her for hours talk about the pros and cons of Eric and Phil! Timmy stopped eating soap 'cause Snow convinced him to eat Kairi's stuff instead!" she recalled just a few instances.

Snow opened up the next envelope. "The award for Worst Customer Satisfaction Rating goes to…oh how the turntables! ELECTRA!"

"NO," she refused to accept the award.

"Don't be a sore loser, you won this fair and square!" Sazh said.

"Prove it."

"Half the hate mail was about YOU!" Tidus said and retrieved one of the letters. "What's up with the chick with the gunblade? I asked her where the restroom is and she threatened to 'cut me.' She needs to go."

"Don't forget this one," Noctis started. "I would like to file a complaint against the manager named Lightning. It was my son's birthday so I took him to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm. After waiting in line for 2 hours I asked the nice albino boy at the ticket booth if my son Bobby could possibly play Chocobo Hot and Cold since he loves doing that in FFIX. The ticket boy said 'You'll have to ask my boss, but I warn you she's no joke.' So Bobby and I went around looking for her since she never showed up and the emo looking security guard told us she's in the barn. So I think 'cool, Bobby will get to see all the chocobos in the barn.' So we go inside and she's performing actual surgery on a chocobo! Bobby asks me what she's doing and I tell him not to look, but this chick says 'You with the tiny hands, finish this up.' I tell him 'No Bobby' but she says 'It has to be you Bobby.' So my poor son performs an appendectomy on a chocobo on his 8th birthday and he's crying because he has blood all over his Spiderman t-shirt. I tell the manager, 'Lady, what is wrong with you? My son is scarred for life. I am filing a lawsuit.' So she says 'Listen, I don't care who your son is, tight squeezes call for tiny hands. If you want I'll let you pay my credit card bill and we're even.' I say 'Bitch you traumatized my son, I'm not paying your credit card bill.' She proceeds to yell at me, call me 'a fake' and somehow tricked me into handing over my wallet and she won't give it back."

"Oh my God," Serah was astounded and Lightning accepted the award.

"Hmm…" Lightning pondered when she read the contents of the next envelope. "You're all sure of this one?"

"Huh?"

"Most likely to be reincarnated as the antichrist…goes to Vanille."

"WHAT!?" Vanille shot up. "NO. NO. I voted for Hope; he's the one who kills butterflies for fun."

"It's not for fun, it's for science!" he looked around nervously.

"Girl, we had to vote for _somebody_," Sazh said. "Let's be real, you're the shadiest person in this room."

"How am _I_ the shady one?"

"I dunno," Fang said. "Going back on your word about fulfilling your Focus with me then pretending all that never happened? Sounds pretty shady to me!"

"Darn," Vanille couldn't run away from her sins and accepted the award. "Most likely to become the pope goes to Dajh!"

"Awww," everyone said.

"daddy, what's a pope?" little Dajh knew not much of the world.

"So holy. Much respect. Wow," Sazh put it in simple terms. "Now go read the sentence on the paper."

Dajh tried as hard as his 5 year old self could to read the sentence. "Most likery to have a bestselling autobiographee, daddy!"

"What a coincidence!" Sazh said and took out a copy the manuscript. He accepted the award and started to list the titles of the chapters. "Chapter 1: Der Wille zur Macht. Chapter 2: Two Birthdays, One Party. Chapter 3: One Birthday, Two Parties. Chapter 4: Air Force Academy 5. Middle School Graduation. Chapter 6: Dancing with Bill Clinton. Chapter 7: The Miltian Conflict. Chapter 8: The California Gold Rush. Chapter 9: The Great Depression. Chapter 10: The Fate of a l'Cie. Chapter 11: You Shall Be as Gods. Chapter 12: The Trail of Tears. Chapter 13: Chocobo Laborers Against Irrational and Reckless Employment."

"How old ARE you?" Fang couldn't do all that math in her head.

"I've been around a long, _long_ time," Sazh didn't want to do the math either. "Anyways, next award… most likely to make a guest appearance in Kingdom Hearts III is Mr. Hope Alexander Tiffany Stephano Estheim!"

"Yay!" Hope was happy he won something that wasn't offensive. He accepted the award. "Kingdom Hearts is a really cool series. I don't know why I won this award since I'm always being called 'uncool' and 'baka gaijin' though."

"You kidding? You're practically a reject Kingdom Hearts design!" Kairi said, not meaning to be offensive.

"Yeah, your feet aren't big enough though. So you can't be one of us," Sora said something, _anything_ to make him feel better about his own goliath feet that make him cry tears. _"Why did Lord Nomura make us this way?"_

"_Because we have bigger shoes to fill,"_ Riku would tell him.

"_Shut up Riku,"_ Sora would answer.

"Mostly likely to win the lottery is Fang!" Hope announced next.

"Croikey!" Fang went up to accept the award.

"Wait, why? How?" Lightning wanted to know her secrets.

"It's my goddess, lady luck."

"I swear, Fang has the BEST luck," Vanille knew from first-hand experience. "First of all, she shouldn't even be here, she should have died back when she did The Bomb! And she wins every single sweepstake she enters and you DARE play poker with her."

"She _will_ jack you up," Sazh cringed at the memory of losing Dajh's college savings within mere minutes.

"Where the hell were you when I was stuck playing Mexican Bingo yesterday!?" Lightning wished Fang was there.

"By any chance did you win a cheesecake, Doritos, and Kool-Aid sweepstake?" Tidus got worried.

"Yeah, lifetime supplies. Where are they!?" Fang hasn't seen her prizes.

"Oh! They should come soon," Tidus finally realized why the mailman kept dropping off all those cheesecakes, Doritos, and Kool-Aid; he had thrown them all away thinking Lightning would murder him if she saw junk food on premises.

"So you pray to this goddess? How fast are the results?" Lightning wanted to pray for a calamity to hit Laguna.

"She only speaks Pulsian though."

"Damn!"

Serah was getting worried that her name still hadn't been called, since the remaining categories were especially embarrassing. She started shaking, _"Not the Amish one, not the Amish one."_

"Most likely to go through an Amish phase at age 40 goes to Missy Serah," Fang read from the next envelope.

"No!" she regretted making that a category in the first place. "Haha!" they laughed at her. "This isn't fair," she accepted the award.

"Yes it is, you're the queen of phases," Lightning said. "Just wait until you're done with your 'Blonde guys' phase; you'll finally see Snow like we do. Nothing beats your Avril Lavigne phase though, holy _frick_," she got PTSD flashbacks of all those sleepless nights of hearing "HE WAS A SK8TER BOI" blasting through the walls.

"Hey, everyone went through an Avril Lavigne phase!" Vanille said. Never had she been more proud to be a redhead than during AV's reign in 2003.

"Hate to tell you babe, it's just a matter of time until you try going Amish," Snow knew her too well. "Hey, at least we're done with that high school phase right?"

"Snow that wasn't a phase, I graduated high school. You were THERE at the graduation!"

"Oh yeah!" it finally all made sense to him; just because he didn't go to high school doesn't mean it's a phase for those who do.

Serah wanted to get the attention off herself and quickly announced the next winner. "Most likely to destroy a talented man's potential goes to Lightning!"

"Come on, that was _one _time."

"Do tell," Noctis went to the kitchen to get some popcorn ready.

"What was his name sis? I can't seem to remember. _Jin Uzuki?_" Serah laughed.

"DON'T."

"You had a boyfriend!?" Sazh started cracking up. "Don't tell me, you liked a guy and he liked you _back_?"

"Oh no, they hated each other!" Serah said. "Come on sis, tell them about Uzuki-san! It's a funny story really."

"Wait! Lemme guess, he's foreign with dark hair?" Vanille checked online. "I KNEW IT."

"Fine, but don't interrupt because this is a long story," Lightning agreed. They all rearranged their chairs into a messy circle for story time. "I was 19, a few months after I joined the Guardian Corps. I was already a sergeant and most men were terrified of me-"

"Yeah, because you grafted a knife to your gun to 'save pocket space,'" Serah interrupted.

"-I was at a coffee shop and met some samurai guy. I said 'nice sword,' he said 'nice eyes' so we had a friendly sword fight and decided to go back to his place, which was some ancient Japanese dojo-turned bookstore. Turns out he's a captain in the Galaxy Federation's Special Forces Intelligence Division, whatever that means, so he has to leave for war in 3 days. So we agreed on a 3 night stand. The first night had a huge fight over how to properly pronounce the word 'karate' so I kicked him out of his house and he slept by the pond outside. The second night he threw a going-away-to-war party and people were asking who I was, yadayada. I go around telling people I'm with 'Mr. Kabuki' because I realized I don't know this fool's name; it just never came up. I sneak into his study to try to find some financial records or credit cards but god damn it's all in Japanese. So I figured…if I burn his _house_ down he'd be on the news, then I'd know his name. So I take a tin can and a match to make a grenade and bomb the living room and voila his name's Jin Uzumaki-"

"Uzuki!" Serah corrected her.

"And there was no 3rd night because he left for the war early to get the hell away from me and word on the street's he's dead now."

"What's your secret!? How are you getting all of these guys!?" Vanille completely ignored the moral of the story.

"Just be really, really mean," Serah had found out after cosplaying as Lightning the day before.

"Oh no," Snow realized that he had won the last, and worst category.

"HA," Lightning scoffed as she opened the final envelope. "Most likely to be abducted by aliens, then returned because the aliens changed their minds goes to the Yeti himself, Snow. Come on up and accept your award you _winner_."

Snow took the walk of shame with a silent applause. "Not cool, come on guys, I am the leanest, largest specimen here. Why would the aliens return me? I'm the perfect test subject."

Tidus slammed his porcelain plate of chicken chop suey onto the floor, then immediately regretted it since he's the one on clean up duty. He went up to the stage of hay with his chair, made Snow sit on it, and readjusted the mic to his petite body as everyone stared at him. "Snow, I came to this farm thinking there is nothing worse than working for Lulu, aka, the Black Materia in human form. Then I met Lightning; she's a handful, but I got two hands so it's manageable. But YOU! You are constantly inconveniencing me, and everyone else! Boss says 'go take out the trash,' I have to walk 5 miles because you left the trash can in the middle of the forest for some god forsaken reason! She says, 'make me a sandwich' and the only thing in the fridge is toothpaste! I constantly have to fix the toilet because your hair straightener's still stuck in there!" Tidus let it all out.

Snow took the mic from him. "OK, I understand I have made some mistakes in the past. But as a responsible adult I would like to get right and hear your comments and suggestions. So come on up and roast me!"

Everyone, including Kairi's Kitchen, got up and formed a line for the mic as Snow sat in the roast chair. Noctis went first. "Snow, you really, _really _need to quit using dollar bills as Kleenex, it is illegal and wasteful, and quite frankly very disgusting."

"Then explain to me how I'm supposed to blow my nose?"

"Please, you really need to stop buying up half our supply of food before we even set up shop every day," Kairi requested.

"I made of list of things I would make out with before I would make out with Snow Villiers," Vanille got out her list. "A turtle. A printer. KPOP sensation Jaejoong of DBSK. Anybody from Organization XIII, a candle, and Yu Yevon."

"Snow. You constantly take advantage of my non-fluency of Cocoonese, teach me made up words, and I go around telling people they look 'fergalicious' like a fool!" Fang had been deceived much too many times.

"Stop stealing my phone and texting my mom quotes from Mean Girls!" Hope pleaded; he had a very hard time explaining to his mom what a "Glen Coco" was afterwards.

"Boy quit playing with my guns! They are not toys, and _not_ eating utensils," Sazh remembered the awkward moment when we walked in on Snow eating yogurt with a gun.

"If you ever wondered whether you were Snow Villiers, here's a quiz to help," Lightning started. "If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Snow Villiers. If you ever called the fire department because your head was stuck in a chair, you might be Snow Villiers. If you ever threw your wife in a dumpster, you might be Snow Villiers. If you ever washed a computer because it had a virus, you might be Snow Villiers."

"Snowey Bear, please stop asking me to get a Nicki Minaj butt, I can't, just no," Serah stayed civil.

"Okie dokie," Snow got off the roast chair when everyone was done. "Now MY turn!"

"No!"

"If you ever burn a guy's living room to find out his name, you might be Lightning Farron. Serah, you should get back on that 30-day butt challenge. Sazh, you're the one bringing guns to the kitchen table. Fang, this is Cocoon, speak Cocoonese. Vanille, I'd rather kiss my own vomit than see you kiss Jaejoong of DBSK. Hope, too late, I already texted your mom that we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5, go try Sears. Noct, what's really unsanitary are all those cheeto crumbs in your car. Tidus, you are insane, Lulu is a sweetheart."

At this point Hope was crying, Fang walked out, Vanille was throwing tomatoes, and Sazh was throwing his guns in the garbage and Lightning was plotting Snow's demise.

Serah got back on stage. "Can somebody go out and bring back Fang?"

"She's wrecking the blitzbike!" Tidus spotted her through the window.

"Aw hell no!" Snow was about to go out and save his burden of a motorbike but was stopped by Noctis who handcuffed him to the oven handle.

When Fang finally came back in Serah tried to settle everyone down. "Ok, did we all learn a lesson?"

"What lesson!? My mom's gonna kill me!" Hope panicked.

"You see? We can be rich, have all the money in Esthar. But that doesn't mean we'll be happy. We need to stick together and be cordial and professional if we want to NOT GET POISONED TONIGHT," Serah spotted Lightning making some kind of concoction in the kitchen. "_Stop_," she mouthed.

"_Make me_."

"The Golden Globes was supposed to be a fun staff appreciation and throwback Thursday celebration but you guys turned it into a roast!" Serah continued. "So how about we treat this as the end of an era, and from tomorrow on start anew? We'll use Laguna's money and do a grand reopening of the farm! We can go all out, it will be awesome. But first, I think we should get to paying everyone for the past few months of miniscule paychecks."

They agreed and sat around the kitchen table with Lightning's new checkbook. She payed Serah first. "How much does it cost to mail order a husband from Brazil?"

"Five thousand," Vanille knew. "For me too."

Lightning proceeded to write everyone's checks, ranging from 15K-20K for the past few months since they opened.

"Oh my gosh!" Tidus couldn't believe the number written on his check. "T-this is a gold mine in Besaid because of the exchange rate. I'm rich! I'm FREE!" he spiritually unshackled the chains at his ankles and couldn't wait to get home and bribe Lulu out of his indentured servitude.

"I already sent out the fliers, our grand reopening is in 2 days and we're filming our TV special tomorrow!" Serah announced.

Next time: The Shinra News visits the farm to film a TV special!

* * *

Sorry about the extra wait for this chapter . This chapter was inspired by the Dundies and Roast episodes of The Office with several quotes from the Roast episode :)

From this chapter on it's pretty much fun and games until the end of the fic, which I've planned to be about 10 chapters more. I still got the reopening, halloween, christmas, and a few more surprises planned :)

Please review! Thank you CookieKupo and CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time ^_^


	38. Chapter 38: TV Special

Chapter 38: TV Special

It was nighttime and the gang was huddled around the TV waiting to watch the TV interview the Shinra News had come over to film earlier that day. Fang ran out the bathroom, "Bloody Pulse, why didn't anybody tell me I had a piece of olive stuck on my tooth!?" She had filmed the entire day like that.

"We thought it was some kind of Oerban tooth tattoo," Sazh said as he buckled Dajh into the car-seat seat.

"A _tooth_ tattoo?"

"Yeah, like mine!" Tidus said and showed off his tooth tattoo that was just the word "bruh."

"Speaking of tattoos-" Snow started to take off his shirt.

"DON'T," Serah pleaded.

"Christ!"

"Come on!"

"Not cool," everyone disagreed at Snow's l'Cie brand tattoo.

"Hey, those were fun times! I'd do it again in a heartbeat," Snow was serious; the same day his brand vanished he went and got it tattooed back on as a tramp stamp.

"She's gonna call the cops on you!" Serah smacked him upside the head as, you know it, Lightning called the cops.

"Hi, yes I got a l'Cie in at my place. Yeah, thanks," Lightning told the police, glad she finally had a reason to get Snow behind bars. The police arrived almost instantaneously and the red and blue lights flashed in through the window.

"Listen, your name is S-Bomb, you're a l'Cie, your favorite food is scrap metal, and you only speak in grunts," Noctis gave him some advice for prison.

"Hi! The name's Snow, nice to meet yall," he greeted the police and was escorted out to be taken to jail.

"It's starting!" Hope was sitting 2 inches from the TV waiting anxiously for the TV special, praying to Jesus that his mom wasn't watching. He got a text that same instant, "_Just tuned in hun_."

"Oh no!" Vanille said as she and Lorenzo were busy dying her hair in the kitchen sink for the re-opening tomorrow. They got a bucket and went to continue the dye job in the living room.

* * *

"TONIGHT ON 20/20," the TV special started. "The Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, fact or fiction? Real or dream? Lies or truth?"

A black car drove into the parking lot and the crew in black exited. "You can't park there!" Tidus' voice could be heard. "Today we are here at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm. After the death of our beloved Chocobo Bill, a tax evasion scandal, drug allegations, and a homicide, does this place still hold up as a family friendly attraction? We asked the employees," Tseng said.

"Yeah we have asbestos in the barn and lead in the water. I wouldn't bring my _dog_ here," Noctis had told them, wearing a ski mask.

"This is Sitcon, head of security of the farm, who requested to keep his identity a secret."

"Crimes? Just a few weeks ago someone died of a heat stroke and we're constantly arresting kids for littering," Noctis finished. "And don't get me started on the parking lot."

"This is Tidus, part-timer in charge of the parking lot."

"Don't get me STARTED!" Tidus screamed. "Half the people driving in here are teenagers without a driver's license or blind people! I am constantly dancing with death itself. WOAH!" he dodged another car in his Heelys.

"Death. It's fast, and furious. We spoke with the owner Electra Loire, locally known as Lightning Farron, on her thoughts on Chocobo Bill's death."

"Who?"

"You know, he used to run this place and drowned in the pond," Tseng had to remind her.

"Which pond? We got three."

"This is her younger sister, Serah Farron, who actually knew what we were talking about."

"I remember it like it was yesterday! I was…at school? Or…at the supermarket? Wherever I was I saw it on the news and couldn't believe it! I was so shocked I died-" her words were edited for dramatic effect.

"After the commercial break we take you into the home of Chocobo Bill. You'll be shocked what you see," Tseng finished his segment for the commercial break.

* * *

"You don't even have a dog!" Lightning got mad at Noctis.

"What drug allegations!?" Serah feared that the crew misinterpreted Snow's toothpaste obsession as a drug addiction.

"_Pack your things, I'll be there in 1 hour_," Hope's mom texted.

"MY MOM'S COMING!" Hope screamed.

"OHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO," everyone panicked.

* * *

The show came back on, and Reno was sitting on the front porch of the house. "Home. I never had a home, but Chocobo Bill did. And we're here, to give you the insider access you never had into the mystery that is the House of the Chocobo Farmer," he knocked on the door.

"EVERYONE ACT NORMAL!" Fang's voice was heard from the other side. "Oui oui?" she answered.

"Reno, Shinra News. Got it memorized?" he entered inside. "At first glance, they seemed normal, enough. But little did I know, the staff of this farm was harboring a dark, dark secret."

Lightning proceeded to introduce her staff. "Serah, petting zoo supervisor. Sazh, ride technician. Hope and Vanille, tickets and customer service. Sitcon, head of security and finances. Fang, tour guide. Snow, DAMN YOU where are your shoes!?"

"Oops!" Snow said and went to put on some socks and shoes.

"Kairi…Kitchen. Riku…food handling. And…" she stopped at Tidus.

"Tee?" Tidus gave her a hint.

"Pee?"

"Yes. Teepee," Tidus gave up.

"And…Electra," she almost forgot Lightning died. Rude tried to give her a handshake. "Don't touch me."

"Ms. Electric, care to show us around the house?"

"No, you really don't want to," Lightning warned; they weren't expecting this, the house was a mess. God forbid they see the bathroom.

"Oh but we really _do_! Most people don't know that this establishment has a long history of illegal activities. What started out as a Chocobo Farm in the 19th century quickly became a safe house for the Underground Railroad and later a meth lab. Records indicate that the kitchen here was the laboratory," Reno told the cameras.

With the camera on her, Kairi gave an awkward wave and Riku held up a cardboard sign, "VOTE SANDERS."

"And the attic was the hiding place of the slaves sheltered here. Urban legend says the attic contains the legendary Zohar," Reno finished.

"Who's making up these urban legends!?" Fang said.

"Um," Noctis looked around nervously; he may or may not have screwed around with the farm's wikipedia page.

"DON't!" they yelled as Reno went to pull down the attic door.

"What I found in that attic changed my life forever," Reno narrated.

The instant Reno pulled down the attic door Sora and Lorenzo fell out of the attic and onto the living room floor. "Not cool, I was just finishing a round of Monopoly with Garbanzo here," Sora said as he rubbed his sore butt.

"I do not know how to play Monopoly," Lorenzo had never even heard of it until this day.

"We have found Sora Joel Osment hiding in the attic of the residence of the Farron Sisters. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"No way. My dad said I'm not allowed to talk to the press without him, and he's booked till Christmas…2017," Sora said. The intern Cissnei got the agreement into writing to talk to him on Christmas Day 2017.

"And this is Lorenzo, who we heard arrived on their doorstep earlier this day in a wooden crate."

"My name is Lorenzo, I am an exchange student from Brazil. I am going to start college and my major is fashion design," Lorenzo told the cameras.

"WHAT?" Vanille dropped everything. "You're supposed to be my boyfriend! I paid so much money for you!"

"No, you paid for my passage into the country! You are my host family," Lorenzo told them the truth.

"Oh my god, Lorenzo are you gay?" Sazh realized.

"You getting this?" Reno asked Rude on camera duty.

"Oh yeah," he said and had the camera zoomed in real close to the tears in Vanille's eyes.

"Will you at least _pretend_ to be my boyfriend?" Vanille pleaded. "Word on the street's Noel Kreiss is coming to the reopening and I need to make him jealous."

"Who is this Noel Kreiss? Is he handsome?" Lorenzo was intrigued.

"VERY," Serah said.

"Ok, try this again. You guys erase the past 5 minutes and start over," Vanille demanded of the news crew.

"No way, this is the juiciest thing we've got all week! We just spent the past few days covering the bingo sessions at the senior citizens center, no joke," Reno said.

"No, let us do it again!" Lorenzo quickly went in the bathroom to put on some fix his hair. "Oh my god!" he yelled when he saw the bathroom then came back. "My name is Lorenzo. I am Vanille's boyfriend. Noel Kreiss, I am coming for you."

"OK, now say it like you like me and hate Noel," Vanille wanted one more take since he said it like he hated her and wanted Noel.

"When we come back the drama is over, but the juice isn't," Reno concluded his segment.

* * *

"What kind of clothes do you make Lorenzo?" Vanille asked her fake boyfriend who continued to dye her hair blood red in the bucket in the living room.

"I make the evening gowns, very sexy," Lorenzo said. "You want one for tomorrow? I'll make for you. Free of charge, just tell all it's courtesy of Lorenzo."

"My mom drives really fast when she's mad, she should be here all the way from Palumpolum soon!" Hope said and ran to go clean his portion of the bedroom.

"Teepee, go lock the gate," Lightning started to anti-Nora the place. "What do white people hate?"

"ASKS THE WHITE CHICK," Sazh laughed.

"Easy!" Fang said. "Rap music, vaccines, walking barefoot indoors, spicy food, or spices in general."

"Gate locked!" Tidus came back.

"Go make a sign that says 'Flu Vaccines here' and put it on the gate outside," Lightning delegated and tuned the entertainment system to play 'Get down for what' on repeat VERY loudly and Fang got to making some Oerban curry in the kitchen.

"We can't hear the TV!" Vanille reminded them.

* * *

Rude was cleaning his shades went the footage came back on. "So, tell us about the house."

The gang was frozen. Snow volunteered, "Of course. Well, you may have seen it during your time playing Final Fantasy VII, but there have been a few upgrades since then. There are now electronics in the parlor, a fridge and stove in the kitchen, and a bathroom to bathe and go peepee and poopoo. In ye olden days good ol' Chocobo Bill had an outhouse and bathed in the pond, the same one that killed him."

"TMI, have some respect," Rude said and moved into the kitchen. "This is Kairi, and our sources say this is her Kitchen. Tell us about your work," Rude handed the poor girl a mic.

Kairi froze, her eyes huge just staring blankly into the camera. "She's creeping me out," Reno said on camera duty.

"I….make things here, sometimes," Kairi said before Riku snatched the mic from her.

"She makes MAGIC. We used to cook in Kairi's actual kitchen at her cottage in Harajuku but we relocated here to save time," Riku explained. "We usually start our day heading to the supermarket and getting whatever's on sale then come here and wing it. We'll have fried chicken tomorrow, you don't want to miss it. Right Kairi?"

She was gone and Rude opened a random door. "PHEW!" the gang was relieved he just opened the bedroom door. "Ohmygod," Rude's draw dropped.

It was a paradise compared to the bathroom but still hella bad. During these few months at the farm the gang managed to turn this 3 bed room into the "multipurpose room." There was random work out equipment nailed to the walls, piles and piles of clothing all around, a trash can right in the middle, and personal momentos scattered about. "Do you all have a hoarding problem? We're filming a hoarding special next week, we can just come back then," Rude wanted to GTFO.

"What hoarding problem?" Sazh said and turned to Vanille. "Vanille we got a hoarding problem?"

"Noooo way!" she said, removed a random item from a random pile, causing it to collapse over, revealing a Dajh hiding in his makeshift crap fort. "Como estas?" he spoke in tongues once more.

"Boy there you are we've been looking for you all day to help clean!" Sazh said, removed his son from the fort, and proceeded to spank him on camera.

"Don't! White people will be watching," Fang knew and threw up some random gang signs to the camera make sure the white people don't mess with them.

"What is this over here?" Rude opened the only door left unopened.

"NOOOOOO!" everyone yelled.

The bathroom was the most horrifying thing Rude had seen in his entire life; it wasn't disgusting, it was just a major safety hazard. Never before had he seen a hair straightener shoved down a toilet, still plugged in, and a printer on top of said toilet printing what seemed to be Sephiroth X Balthier yaoi. "Shoot!" Serah quickly retrieved the pages and hit the printer until it turned off. In addition, the bathtub was simultaneous acting as a washing machine and dish washer with a Poo-chi robot toy swimming around to propel the clothes and dishes. On the ceiling were hanging several strings of yarn with makeup products clipped on to save space for all the drugs hidden in the mirror cabinet.

"I swear to God this was how Chocobo Bob left it. We're just trying to preserve his memory," Lightning lied.

"Even this photo of Zack Fair glued onto the mirror?"

"Yeah, he'd wake up every morning and say hi to him," Lightning almost didn't replace the word "I" for "he'd."

"When we come back we meet the famous chocobos. This is Rude, and I'm OUT," he walked off the show.

* * *

"She says she'll be here in 10 minutes!" Hope screamed. "Who's gonna talk her out of taking me away!?"

"Well, I dunno. Too bad our staff member with the highest customer satisfaction is in JAIL!" Fang reminded Lightning.

Just then a patrol car pulled into the premises; it was a cop escorting Snow. "Take him back, we don't want him!" the cop left Snow on the porch.

"What happened?" Serah asked her husband.

"Yeah… they may or may not have plugged in my phone into one of their computers to look for evidence, unleashing a virus that literally wiped out their entire system," Snow confessed; he really needed to stop downloading all those Naruto mp3s from the Dark Web.

"Great. Now that you're here, we have an important job that needs to be done," Lightning said. "Nora's gonna be here in 10 minutes are you need to get her off the property," she locked Snow out of the house.

* * *

It was Cissnei's first ever time in front of the camera and she was going to make it count. "This is Cissnei from Shinra News, here at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm with none other than the chocobos themselves. Who is this one?" she stood by the corral.

It was Vanille and Serah that would do the introducing. "Apple Jacks, DON'T TOUCH HIM! He _will_ jack you up," Vanille said; last time she touched him she found out Noel Kreiss was back in the market to ruin her life.

"Too late," Cissnei gave him a pet; her phone rang with a text. "My apartment burned down."

"Just yours? Not the whole building?"

"Just mine."

"Anyways," Serah quickly changed the subject. "This is our super special treasure, the pink glitter chocobo chick!" she held the precious thing in her hands.

"Awww," Cissnei pretended to be intrigued. "It's name?"

"Shoot! Vanille?" Serah turned to the unofficial chocobo namer.

"Uh…" Vanille had to think for an entire minute of awkward dead air. "…. Shady Nasty."

"Shady Nasty?"

"Shady Nasty."

"Doesn't the Rabanastre farm have an entire exhibit of these?" Cissnei suddenly remembered.

"An entire exhibit of what?" Vanille asked.

"These glitter chicks."

"What glitter chicks?"

"The ones in her hand!" Cissnei got mad.

"What hands?" Vanille was just using her usual customer service tactics. "Sorry ma'am, I cannot understand what you are trying to say. Please come again soon."

* * *

Snow was by the gate outside barefoot and holding a plate of spicy curry and playing some gangster rap tunes when Nora's minivan pulled in. "Let me in!"

"Are you here for the flu shot, Oerban New Years, or the hip hop dance off?" Snow asked.

"I'm here to take home Hope! You people are putting him in danger!" Nora screamed and tried to drive through the locked gate.

"Woah! Excuse me ma'am, I asked a question and I don't remember giving you permission to yell at me like that. Flu shot, Oerban New Years, or hip hop dance off? I can only let you in for one of those three reasons. If you are here to see the chocobos or any of their affiliates you need to come back during business hours tomorrow, 9am to 5pm. You may leave comments or suggestions in the suggestion box if you desire," Snow did his spiel.

"Let me speak with the manager!"

"Oh ho ho!" Snow roared. "Trust me, _youdon'twanna_. Oh hi Greg!" Snow waved to the husband in the back seat.

* * *

Elena was known for one thing and one thing only, getting dirty secrets out of the most stubborn people. "This is Elena, and I am sitting here with the manager of the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, Electra Loire. Is that even your real name?" Elena started the personal interviews.

"Yes, what are you talking about? Haha," she played it safe in case her multiple sugar daddies were watching.

"So what happened to Lightning? The real Farron sister? Why is there only one Farron sister left? Shouldn't you rename the place?" Elena used her tactic of asking multiple intense questions, leaving the victim to have to answer at least one.

"You want the truth? She's dead. I killed her."

"_Wow that was easy_," Elena thought. "Where is she buried?"

"You're looking at her."

"But you're Electra, I'm looking at Electra."

"And?"

"You're telling me I'm looking at Lightning."

"You are."

"But you're Electra!" Elena started getting tears in her eyes.

"I am."

"Then where's Lightning!?"

"You're looking at her, and she's looking at you."

"STOP!" Elena finally had Lightning escorted out the trailer, but not without a wink into the camera.

* * *

Everyone went outside to witness Lightning murder Nora; with Esthar's federal reserve on speed dial there would be no consequence.

"What the hell do YOU want?" Nora was greeted by Lightning and a lead pipe.

Nora got out of the minivan. "I want my son and I want him now because I want to take him HOME!"

"So, translated into my language you want to take my MVP because you want to get smashed in the head with a pipe?" Lightning clarified.

Nora backed up and tried to open the minivan door. "She ain't got no keys!" Sazh announced when Nora realized she locked herself out.

"GREG!"

"Ain't no lie baby bye bye bye," Hope's dad was listening to some tunes on the radio.

"Claire, come on, let's do this, the right way," Nora balled her hands into fists and was promptly punched in the face by Lightning.

"OHHHHHH!"

"GET HER! GET HER GOOD!" Greg cheered.

"AH!" Hope was scarred for life witnesses his mom and boss mom in a fist fight.

"Ooooh. Ow. Oh, oh, that's gotta hurt. Light, no, no, please. No, don't put the duck in the oven! Oh, she didn't even put any stuffing in. Oh, oh gosh. Oh, ow. I didn't think you could twist a foot that far. Oooo. Yeah, no, no, no. Oh she's still going. Oh wait yeah, no, yeah. Ok there she stopped," Snow narrated the fight which gave Lightning 1 EXP and one pumpkin spice latte in loot.

"Is she dead? Please tell me she's dead!" Greg rolled down the window. "DANG IT!" he yelled when Nora got back up.

"Mom, stop! Did you even watch my interview on the show?" Hope said.

"Your interview?" Nora said with a toothless mouth and hairless scalp.

* * *

"Here I have Hope, whom I heard is very nice and still a child," Elena started her interview with the boy and finished wiping away her tears. "Anyways, what the hell's wrong with your boss? Do you feel like your life's in danger? How do you survive here? Do you even like it here?"

"She takes some time getting used to but one you decode her language it's not so bad. 'And?' means 'say more' and 'maybe' means 'yes.' I don't feel like my life is in danger at all! Especially with all our security around, I can't even get away from stealing a penny from the cash register! I survive by doing my job and eating food. Of course I love it here! Before coming here I was a bum; my mom never let me outside and didn't even let me go to college because it was too dangerous having so many adult girls around. But here I learned how to math, how to adult, and I improved my spelling! And now with our unlimited budget the farm's gonna be better than ever. We have a lot in store for the reopening tomorrow and I hope everyone comes!" Hope answered.

"Wow, you answered all my questions," Elena couldn't believe it.

"Yeah, that's what happens when I live with very demanding women. I can't say no," Hope said.

* * *

"Hope, you're coming home with me," Nora demanded.

"You're staying here Hope," Lightning ordered.

"AH," Hope couldn't say no.

"Why don't we take a vote?" Noctis suggested.

"You democrats and your democracy," Nora threw shade.

"Democracy isn't- whatever. Raise your hand if you want Hope to go home," Noctis started. Nora did so. "Raise your hand if you want Hope to stay." Twelve hands went up.

"You too Lorenzo?" Vanille noticed him raise his hand with them.

"Hope seems like nice boy. I want him to model for me."

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't take my son home right now," Nora's blood was boiling.

"Because I'm married to the president of Esthar and I can have you launched into space and encapsulated with the devil Adel herself for all eternity then sue you for scuffing my boots," Lightning was dead serious. "All in favor?"

"Aye!" everyone raised their hands.

"She's not kidding mom, go home. I'll be ok," Hope waved his parents goodbye as they drove away.

Next time: It's the grand reopening!

* * *

Sorry again that this chapter was late!

Please review! Thank you so much cookiekupo and CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time ^_^


	39. Chapter 39: Grand Reopening

Chapter 39: Grand Reopening

"LISTEN UP," Lightning rounded her staff on the morning of the reopening. "My numbers guy says we should be expecting record breaking attendance today. So I got a few new rules."

"I'm your numbers guy now?" Noctis was surprised by his new title; it was a lot better than being her youth outreach guy which consisted of stalking a kid named Pence on twitter for the latest memes and lingo.

Lightning put up a poster with her new rules ala Wife Swap. "We can't read squat!" Sazh commented on her chicken scratch penmanship.

"Rule 1. Wash your nasty ass hands every time you use the bathroom."

"Um, ok I'm pretty sure that's not a problem?" Serah said, confident that they all had common sense.

"Oh, it's a problem all right," Sazh looked over at Snow, knowing that his brofists were the reason Dajh has been sick with, and now immune to, leprosy, Lyme disease, and surprisingly the swine flu. "Ain't nothing bringing you down, you hear me boy?" he told his son.

"Rule 2… there are no rules!" Lightning said and shot at the ceiling.

"AH!" they ducked the bullets.

"What do you mean no rules? What about the tickets? Lines? I'm supposed to be kicking out Noel the second he walks in," Vanille panicked.

"I dunno, just do what you want," Lightning had planned to spend the day spying on people through the security cameras with endless martinis.

"What about US?" Sora said and pointed to the huge trash bag full of today's fried chicken. "Riku fried his hands making this and you're saying we're giving it away for FREE?"

"Sora _cares _about me? Call the press!" Riku was surprised Sora noticed his injuries; although it was kind of hard to ignore the third-degree burns.

"I don't know, charge $100 for all I care," Lightning proceeded to set up her beach chair, umbrella, and –you guessed it- an automatic martini-making machine in front of the TV. "Look at that fat kid!" she laughed at the footage of a boy in line looking like he was about to get a heat stroke in blazing heat outside.

"AH," Hope screamed as he stepped out in the sun and quickly put on some sunscreen. His coworkers followed suit and went to the gate to let everyone in.

"LISTEN UP!" Snow yelled to the mob, without a megaphone. "First of all thank you for joining us for our grand-reopening in this 110-degree heat! We do not have any shady areas, and we do not have any water bottles to give out. If you die, BYE! But everything's FREE and we have a brand new CHOCOBO ZOO and CHOCOBO CHAPEL! Our special guests will be performing tonight and… come on in!" he finally opened the gate to let in the stampede.

"My son! Jimmy!" a dad panicked when his son collapsed.

"Bye Jimmy," Fang bid him farewell.

The customers surrounded Kairi's stand; she had only made one gallon of lemonade to sell. "$100, cash only," Sora told the thirsty people.

"Take it!" they threw the money at him for a measly dixie cup of liquid. "EW!"

Riku tried one, "Kairi, you're supposed to add water and sugar!"

"Oh…" Kairi finally realized why she was only able to make one gallon out of the huge pile of lemons. She proceeded to dilute it 1:100.

Serah approached Tidus at the parking lot, "We're expecting our special guests to arrive soon. Can you guide them to the parking spots under the one tree in the lot?"

"Too late!" Tidus said. "Some white mom bribed me 20 gil for the spot."

"Only 20 gil? You could have gotten WAY more," Snow overheard.

"I've done _a lot_ more, for _a lot_ less," Tidus said and remembered all the heinous acts of terrorism the Al Bhed made him do when he first came to Spira; so many coconuts, so much blood.

"Oh no, I hope Sephiroth doesn't get mad. I know he takes so much care of his fair skin," Serah worried.

"Don't worry babe, if that Sephiroth even _looks_ at you I'll be the first one on the roof with a pair of oven mitts just ready to put that bacon in the toaster!" Snow reassured her.

"He's here!" Tidus saw the Rolls Royce drive in with the long ass sword sticking out the window.

"AH!" Snow screamed and got on top of the house roof with a pair of oven mitts, ready to put the bacon in the toaster.

Tidus and Serah went over to greet him. "Hi again…Mr. Sephiroth. Thanks for agreeing to perform on such short notice. We know you must be busy," Serah said.

"If you call beating Genesis busy…then yes, very," Sephiroth got out of the car and tossed Tidus the keys and masamune.

"Actually, you're like 8 hours early for the show. Care for some fried chicken?" Tidus hoped the food would take up at least two hours; the line itself was half a mile long.

"Dark meat," Sephiroth handed a $20 bill to Tidus to get it for him.

"_Darn it!"_ Tidus thought and went to stand in the long line leaving Serah alone with the serial killer.

"Would you like a martini?"

"Gladly."

The look on Lightning's face when Sephiroth entered her living room was a mixture of "_aw hell no_" and "_hot damn_." "You looking for the bathroom? The porta potties are outside," she said laying on a beach chair with a martini in her new Dolce and Gabbana swim suit.

"Um, Mr. Sephiroth, you haven't met her before but this is my sister Lightning. She's a very strong woman and not afraid to resort to violence," Serah laid down the law. "Sis, we got Sephiroth to perform tonight and he'd like a martini."

Lightning grabbed Serah and locked themselves in the bedroom. "You know I only got enough juice left in that machine for one more right?"

"Tidus left him alone with me. I had to do something so I offered him a drink!"

"And what happened to booking Zack Fair!?"

"His people said he was in the hospital on 'seizure watch' so it was a no go. So we got Sephiroth instead," Serah explained.

"What's this fool even going to do? A public execution? You should have told Zack's people that we'd pay him double to just show up and say hi."

"What happened to 'No Snow, we aren't getting a chocobo rollercoaster, that chocobo zoo cost a fortune' HUH? Now we have enough budget to pay that much to bring Zack?"

"You think I'm gonna let Snow have his own rollercoaster and hear him yelling 'AW YEET' 24/7?"

"Too late, the Al Bhed already came and set it up!"

"AW YEET!" they heard Snow from the rollercoaster.

They heard a knock on the door and opened it to see Sephiroth. "What now Frosted Flakes?" Lightning addressed him.

"Frosted Flakes?" Sephiroth didn't know if this was some kind of cute nickname or insult.

"You know, the cereal? Some Mexican people call cereal 'cereal killer,' and you're a serial killer. So you're Frosted Flakes," Lightning explained.

"For the last time, you're not Mexican!" Serah never understood her sister's inclination to the latino way.

"Are you aware that there is a full on Hunger Games reenactment occurring in the Chocobo Zoo?" Sephiroth pointed to the security cam footage on the TV showing Fang hosting The Game and handing small children backpacks filled with weapons.

"And?"

"They have guns!" Serah saw the small children retrieving guns, machetes, and baseball bats out of their backpacks. "We need to stop them!" Serah's maternal instincts kicked in and dragged Lightning out to stop them.

Dozens of parents were yelling and crying as they watched their children who were trapped in the chocobo zoo for Fang's enjoyment. "How did this happen!?" Serah asked Sazh who was standing by with a bag of fried chicken.

"Well, since no one's in charge of anything Fang put herself in charge of the god dang Hunger Games!" Sazh explained. "Dajhie boy don't be trying to climb them trees without your gloves on!" he cheered on his son.

"GET DOWN HERE CADET!" Lightning yelled at Fang who was flying over the chocobo zoo in a jet pack.

"Yes sugar plum?" she crash landed on top of some pine cones.

"You want the cops to come? This is how to get the cops to come," Lightning warned; the only thing she hates more than cops are tornados.

"I'm just organizing a little game here! No sweat, it's natural selection," Fang craved her Oerban ways.

"The only game you should be playing is Clue…cuz you ain't got one!" Sazh remarked.

"How the hell did Noctis not shut you down? Is he dead?" Lightning wondered.

"Nah. He, Snow, and Tidus was way too busy with that Lumina girl. She arrived like 10 minutes ago and they're already growing gray hair," Fang didn't want to be anywhere near the spoiled rotten child star.

* * *

Along with Sephiroth, the gang had booked the child star Lumina to perform later that night. Her manager just dropped her off at the freeway exit with a note that said "Good luck."

"Tell me a bedtime story," Lumina demanded from Tidus at 11am.

"He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? He was a punk. She did ballet. What more can I say?" Tidus recited, oh yes you guessed it, the lyrics of Sk8ter Boi.

"Do the magic trick again!" Lumina demanded of Noctis.

"It isn't a magic trick!" Noctis said and reluctantly removed then put back in his contact lenses for the 3rd time that day. "There?"

"I want…that one!" Lumina choose an accessory off of Snow's body.

"HEY! That's my Meemaw's scraf she knitted me for Knitmas 2006!" Snow said as she stole the pants scarf from him to use as a magic carpet. He tackled the poor girl to the ground.

"CODE GRAY," Noctis announced on the intercom system.

* * *

"We got an intercom system?" Sazh said. "BOY behind you!" he saw some kid try to come up and jump Dajh in The Game.

"What's a Code Gray?" Serah asked.

"Oh hoho," Lightning got excited and ran over to the scene. "I thought you said this was a Code Gray!?" she got mad when she saw it was just Snow and Lumina in a mixed martial arts fight.

"Yes, a combative person. What do you want to do, just throw a lizard at them and hope they stop?" Noctis didn't want to get kicked in the face.

"NO, lord," Lightning realized that she never explained her new emergency color codes. "Code Gray," she whispered, "means hot daddy. Like 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'"

"Code Red?" Noctis braced himself.

"_Really_ hot daddy."

"Code Blue?" he took notes.

"You know those hoes that steal your pics and pretend to be you on Instagram? That." What most people don't know is that when you're sound asleep at night Lightning is fighting a war on social media trying to reclaim her identity. "Oh god, she's one of them!" she saw the pink haired girl choking Snow and grabbed her by the ponytail. "Who ARE you and what do you want from me?"

"What do you mean? I'm you and you're me," Lumina told her the truth.

"Listen missy, I will cut you. You think you can just steal my pics and go around telling people I was born a man you better think again because I have an Oerban on a jetpack ready to commit murder for me. You think I'm kidding? The only reason she's not in prison is because the statute of limitations doesn't even come close to touching her crimes from 600 years ago," Lightning threatened.

"Bitch you touch me and Disney Channel will destroy you worse than a democrat at a Trump rally," Lumina warned her.

Lightning let go of the ponytail, "You sing and dance and whatever it is we paid you for tonight then GTFO."

* * *

Vanille, Hope, and Lorenzo were roaming around the farm trying to track down Noel Kreiss. "Let's go on the rollercoaster again, we should be able to spot him from that high up," Vanille said.

"No! Please!" Hope didn't want to vomit his marshmallow Lucky Charms from breakfast.

"Is _that_ Noel Kreiss?" Lorenzo pointed to a random handsome guy.

"No. That's Zack Efron," Vanille couldn't care less that Zack Efron was in the vicinity.

Just then Hope got a text. "It's Noel!" He read it, "_Can I use your guys' bathroom? The porta potty tipped over and I had a really bad burrito_."

"Tell him yeah, we'll meet him there!" Vanille got excited.

"_Yessu desu!"_ Hope replied to his text. The three went to the front door of the house to wait for the boy.

"Hey guys! You guys are life savers. I bought a burrito from some guy named Barrett and I'm about to explode!" Noel greeted them on the front porch.

"Well well, if it ain't Noel Kreiss. Or should I say, Paolo?" Vanille greeted him.

"Oh come on, I sing _This is What Dreams Are Made Of_ off key for 5 seconds and I'm forever known as Paolo now?" Noel will never forget being booed off stage with people yelling "SING TO ME PAOLO" at the Square Enix High Senior Talent Show.

"Well you ain't Lizzie!"

"Forgive my rudeness," Lorenzo got on one knee. "I am Lorenzo. I am from Brazil. I am…Vanille's boyfriend," he cringed then gave Noel a beautiful single red rose.

"Thanks man, nice to meet ya!" he accepted the rose and put it in his hair.

They let Noel inside and were surprised to see the Great Sephiroth playing 2-player Wii Tennis by himself, Sephiroth vs. Sephiroth. "That way," Hope pointed to the bathroom pretending like the serial killer wasn't there.

"OHMYGOD," they heard Noel scream when he saw the mess of the bathroom.

"What is the plan?" Lorenzo asked.

"We trap him in there then wait till he dies. That'll show him," Vanille said.

"Did somebody say die?" Sephiroth was behind them with his Masamune. "I'll do it."

"No. I'LL do it," Vanille took the sword. The instant Noel came out the bathroom door he was stabbed through the torso.

"OH MY GOD," the entire gang just happened to walk in through the front door to witness the crime scene on their way for some water bottles from the fridge

"Vanille, you can't DO this! You can't just kill a boy cuz he rejected you for prom years ago!" Sazh said.

"Don't take out the sword!" Serah yelled as Sephiroth retrieved his sword, causing Noel to start bleeding like a water fountain. "AH!" she grabbed the nearest piece of fabric, Snow's Naruto jumpsuit, to apply pressure to the wound.

"Come on Serah I need that, Halloween's coming up!" Snow cried tears as his beloved cosplay was being ruined.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Some kid got stabbed at my workplace," Noctis told the operator on the phone.

"Not cool, don't be a narc!" Lightning got mad at him and took the phone. "No one got stabbed, everything is great," she told the operator. But in a matter of seconds the cops and paramedics were right outside the house. "Dammit!"

"Farron… this is awkward," her former boss, Lieutenant Amodar greeted her.

"I swear to God this one wasn't me."

"You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law," the cops handcuffed Vanille and escorted her out to take her to jail.

"Mark my words, I shall rise from the ashes! I shall curse you heathens with the mark of the l'Cie!" were Vanille's final words as a free woman.

"Great. So now our speech giver's in jail," Lightning said after the cops and paramedics were gone.

"She was going to give a speech?" they asked.

"Yeh, the reopening speech for the show tonight! She spent all night writing it. So…who's gonna do it now?" Fang explained.

"I'm already the MC so not me!" Tidus said.

"Well Noct called the cops, it should be him," Snow declared. "DO IT NOCTIS DO IT."

"DO IT NOCTIS DO IT!" they chanted.

"Fine! Where is it?" he agreed and took the piece of paper from Lorenzo. "Oh sh*t," he read it.

"It's almost time for the show, we're going to be late!" Hope realized it was already 6pm.

They went out to the chocobo stage for the show and the tourists were already crowded around. "Don't touch me you peasants!" Sora had made a VIP area in the middle of the crowd for himself, Kairi, and Riku using some yarn and branches.

"Ladies and gents, welcome to the Grand Reopening of the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm! Can I get a woot woot?" Tidus said on stage.

"WE WANT OUR CHILDREN BACK!" the parents were still worried about The Game.

"Ah fine!" Fang said and unlocked the gate of the chocobo zoo, releasing the children back to freedom.

"I know you all are dying to see our special guests, but first is a speech from one of our MVP staff members, Noctis!" Tidus blew his cover.

"THE FUGITIVE PRINCE OF LUCIS?" the crowd roared.

"Dammit!" Noctis was upset that his cover was blown; he'll never be able to live a normal life after this. "Greetings lower class," he began to read Vanille's speech on stage. "Time. Space. Gender. There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only things that remain are the things that have stood the test of time… chocobos." The lights dimmed and glitter fell from the sky. "The best bird _ever_ created. A bird that fits all other birds inside of it," Noctis cringed. "I've been through a lot of issues in my life. I've seen drug addiction, unemployment, I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain," he wanted to kill himself right there on stage. "When I was 10 years old my parents took me to Disneyland. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. The future is the foundation of universal molecules. Infinity is a reflection of incredible destiny. Your consciousness unfolds through a symbolic representation of positivity. This is what this chocobo farm will do for you. You will have the connection to everything, in time… and space," he teleported out.

The crowd cheered. The KH kids were crying. The children were prancing.

"Next is our first special guest, child star Lumina!" Tidus announced.

"YEHHHH," the tourists cheered on the reason they showed up to this dump in 110 degree weather in the first place.

"Oh yeah

Come on

You get the limo out front

Hottest styles, every shoe, every color

Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun

It's really you but no one ever discovers

In some ways you're just like all your friends

But on stage you're a star

You get the best of both worlds!

Chill it out, take it slow

Then you rock out the show!

You get the best of both worlds

Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds!" Lumina sang and did a good ol' Texas hoedown.

"AW YEET!" Snow danced along in his Hannah Montana cowboy boots. "Meemaw where are you, this is our JAM!"

"Yay!" the crowd cheered. "Oh no!" they screamed when Sephiroth went up on stage.

"I know our program said Zack Fair, but we got Sephiroth instead! Can I get an 'ohhh yeahhhh?'" Tidus tried to pacify the crowd. It fell silent.

There were mirrors everyone. In the middle was Sephiroth looking into one of them.

"Look at me,

I will never pass for a perfect SOLDIER, or a perfect son.

Can it be,

I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself,

I would break the Shinra's heart."

"O H," Lightning was legit crying.

"Who is that man I see, staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Somehow I cannot hide

Who I am, though I've tried.

When will my reflection show, who I am, inside….." Sephiroth sang with the voice of an angel.

There was not a dry eye in a 1 mile radius, even the chocobos weeped for the misunderstood man. "We didn't know, I swear!" Sazh apologized to Sephiroth. "I called you a 'demonic son of an alien' in my autobiography, I take it back!"

With the day ending on a wet note, the tourists went home leaving the gang for dinner. "Do you want fried chicken or fried belt?" Sora asked at the dinner table; Kairi had accidentally dropped some belts into the fryer earlier.

"Don't talk to me!" Serah was still crying about Sephiroth.

"Babe, he'll be fine. He can just get plastic surgery so his outsides match his insides," Snow comforted his wife.

"We're on the news again!" Fang had turned on the TV. "Oops, nope. It's just Vanille on the news."

"Is she going to be ok?" Hope feared for his best friend. "Is NOEL going to be ok?"

"According to Shinra7 Vanille's facing a 5 million dollar bail and Noel might never be able to move his toes again!" Fang explained.

"She's lucky I sold my freedom for her sins," Lightning started to write out the check for her bail.

"Oh no, the hate mail's coming in again!" Tidus noticed the farm's email inbox blowing up. "The people are mad about The Game and the attempted murder!"

"Ah come on, no one actually died," Fang didn't see this as a problem at all.

Next time: The gang tries to save their reputation!

* * *

I'm back on my uploading schedule! :)

Vanille's speech is from the episode "Test the Store" from The Office, it's hilarious and I suggest watching it for yourself!

Please review! Thank you so much CustomEyes and cookiekupo! :D

See you all next time! ^_^


	40. Chapter 40: Damage Control

Chapter 40: Damage Control

The gang had decided to make a facebook page for the farm to be transparent with their customers and set up Hope's laptop to some contraption to project the screen onto the living room wall to collectively create said page. "We need a group picture to be our cover picture!" Hope realized and looked through the endless useless folders on his laptop.

"Don't you have some photos from Dajh's birthday?" Vanille asked Fang; she will never forget the day Fang learned how to use a camera.

"I _had_ photos from Dajh's birthday," Fang said; she will never forget the day she saw a chocobo swallow a camera whole.

"Hey! How about this group photo we took in Besaid!" Snow passed around his phone that had a shattered screen.

"OHHH!" Vanille cried at the sight of her late pet flamingo Jelly.

"We took a group photo in Besaid?" Serah didn't remember.

"We went to Besaid?" Lightning couldn't remember much before her rebirth.

Hope uploaded the picture then got to writing their About section. "We r the humbull chocobo farmers of the Unite State of Cocoon. U wish u were us."

After making a shared password (Oprah) the gang got to uploading a picture of themselves with a caption each.

Since Lighting liked to keep herself off the grid, didn't even have an ID card, and deleted her instagram account she had to resort to using a before and after photo from her botox doctor's website. "No pain no gain. Ragnarok 2010 veteran. I got 2 sequels, when will your fave? You can't touch me I'm flawless," was her caption.

Serah used a photo from Prom 2009 in which she wore a pink silk dress that made her look like a pimple. "Hi! My name's Serah and I love cute things like moogles, chocobos, kitties, doggies, and birds. Please say hi if you see me!"

Snow used one of the very few baby photos that survived the fireworks explosion of Thanksgiving 1999 back at his house in Kansas. It was a photo of him wearing a boot costume on Halloween. "Howdy yall my name's Snow and if you think I'm a fun loving good for nothing son of an onion farmer you're right!" Within seconds Meemaw had commented on the photo, "My handson grandson" and "my angle."

Sazh used the most important photo he had ever had taken in his entire life: his selfie the huge gold nugget he struck during the California Gold Rush. "My name's Sazh, I got sass and this huge ass nugget!" He kept it in his pocket for good luck.

Since Noel was in a coma and Lorenzo was stuck in jail for being her accomplice Vanille used her dating profile picture which was her standing next to a pile of trash (which was supposed to be a juxtaposition of being the "opposite" of trash). "Call me beep me if you wanna reach me when ya wanna reach me it's ok," she wrote and added her phone number.

Fang's picture was of her in an abandoned horse stable where a bunch of stallions just got the bullet. "I love me a good rat skewer."

Hope used the professionally taken photo of him in a sailor suit. "Job 19:17," he quoted a verse from the Bible.

Noctis used a selfie with an obscure TV static filter. "In the day or night, my perpetual slumber, don't you dare wake me," he wrote a haiku.

Tidus couldn't provide a picture since he was a living ghost so he instead quickly made a chibi sketch of himself to upload. "Live and let live!"

"We already have one thousand likes!" Hope was surprised that many people actually liked the farm. "Oh no, the hate mail's coming!"

"AH!" they should have seen this coming.

"We need to be calm and civil, do NOT hate back to the haters!" Serah tried to prevent a social media war.

"You listen up and listen good Nancy," Lighting was addressing her haters, "I do 3 thousand pushups first thing in the morning, eat seeds for breakfast, nuts for lunch, and kale for dinner. I am not a 'fake.'"

"The only person saying nice things is Meemaw!" Sazh noticed. She was making comments like "Hi Stephanie. Nice lipstick Nicotine. Who cuts your hair Felicia? Blease let me feed you Hank u are too small."

"This was a mistake, let's delete the page _right now_," Noctis was getting hordes of comments from preteen boys wanting hair styling tips.

"You kidding? I haven't gotten this much attention since I unleased my homemade computer malware at school in senior year," Vanille was making appointments for her suitors. She had made a virus that caused popups of her face with the phrase "The name's Vanille. Got it memorized?" every time you clicked anything on the last day of senior year and Superintendent Mickey Mouse didn't have the heart to expel here over it but instead insisted that she go to therapy which she never did.

Tidus did a thing without anyone's approval. On the facebook page he posted an announcement: Open focus group noon today Farron Farm.

"WHAT IS THIS?" Fang was enraged when she saw the update pop up.

"That's an 'at' sign," Hope explained. "People use it instead of typing the word 'at."

"Oh!" Fang understood everything now. "OPEN FOCUS GROUP?"

"You want to get murdered Tactic?" Lighting warned. "You say 'I don't care what anyone says' and people think that's an excuse to call you a hoe and before you know it you're at Eminem's house party and wake up in bucket of ketchup. True story. Not fun."

"It'll be great!" Tidus insisted. "People will come in and give us their honest opinions in a controlled environment."

Just then Sora, Kairi, and Riku walked in through the front door. "You guys have a mob outside your door," Sora said. "I think Riku can take care of it for you."

"NO Sora, I can't do squat. My hands are fried!" Riku reminded him.

Snow gave the KH kids a big hug and spun them around. "I love you kids! As much as I love cats-"

"LIKE OUR CAT YOU LET DIE?" Serah was still bitter about December 26th, 2009.

"But here's the deal," Snow got serious and looked Kairi in the eye 4 centimeters away. "Those people are here to roast us and things are going to get _really_ salty. So we need you to serve something that's the opposite of salt to program their brains that this is not a time to be salty."

"Bubble tea! They'll love it," Kairi actually thought of a good idea.

"Kairi you are a smart and beautiful majestic lady bug, what would I do without you!" Sora said and the kids hopped back into his Lamborghini to go to the nearest Taiwanese Boba House to place their mass order.

The gang got to dressing up nice to make good impressions. "Where's my pretty blouse!?" Vanille was looking though the piles and piles of clothes in the bedroom/multipurpose room.

"Is it this one?" Sazh picked up the ugliest blouse he could find.

"Yay!" she was happy she had an excuse to wear her gaudy leopard and floral print blouse she got at some Mexican yard sale.

Lightning, Hope, and Snow were squeezed in the bathroom trying to use the mirror to do their hair and makeup. "Move you titan!" Lightning pushed Snow to the back.

"Can I use your perfume?" Hope asked his boss mom.

"Don't get it in your eyes."

Hope sprayed on the Versace Pour Homme. "AH!" he got it in his eyes.

"Does this hair style make my face look chubby?" Snow had pulled out the flat iron from the toilet to flare his hair like a Christmas tree.

"You look like an early 2000s soccer mom," Lightning told it how it was.

"Perfect!" Snow wanted the vote of the soccer moms and put the flat iron back in the toilet where it belonged. "Where did you get THOSE!?" Snow noticed the diamond jewelry Lightning was trying to put on.

"From a heist a few years ago," Lightning said. Back in the day she and her BBF Joanne Prada would scam like there was no tomorrow.

"We're about to start!" Fang, decked out in her Oerban regalia, poked her head into the bathroom.

Noctis was handing out numbers to the people outside as SoKaiKu handed out the bubble tea. "Drink sweet, be sweet!" Kairi was telling them as her fans kissed her crocs.

"Numbers 1 to 10, come on in," Noctis let in the roasters into the living room. They had quickly shoved all their crap into the closet to make the house look presentable.

"Hi Meemaw!" Snow saw his grandma come in.

"She's REAL?" the gang always thought she was just some kind of an urban legend.

"Howdy Snow Plow."

"Welcome! My name's Tactic- I MEAN TIDUS. This is our first ever focus group. First some rules, no vulgar or obscene language and do not throw any objects. Let's start!" he dragged someone from behind the one-way mirror. "This is Sazh, you might have been yelled at by him at the chocobo rides."

"Uh, hi?" Sazh didn't know what to do.

"I like this guy."

"I can trust this Sazh with my dogs."

"I want to protect Sazh."

"I want tell my friends and neighbors about Sazh."

"I want to _juice_ Sass."

"I was not expecting that, thanks!" Sazh told the focus group and ran back behind the one way mirror.

"This is Lightning. She is the co-owner and manager!" Tidus introduced the next person.

"F*** YOU!"

"I hate you. My DOG hates you. My MAILMAN hates you. And my DOCTOR hates you!"

"Where my wallet you wench!?"

"I want to change Leslie's life."

"Fake!"

"Say that again Nancy!" Lightning punched her in the cheek implant.

"Woah woah!" Tidus and Noctis had to restraint her. "Any suggestions for Lightning?"

"STOP threatening to kick me out for looking you in the eye, STOP stepping on people, and STOP spraying kids with lemon juice!"

"I catch you looking at me one more time and you're OUT," Lightning said.

"Boo!" the people threw boba balls at her as she paraded out.

"I'm _starving_," Riku ate some boba balls off the floor.

"This is Fang and Vanille. They are living dinosaurs from Oerba!" Tidus introduced the BFFs.

"You say one word about her and you're MINCED," Fang threatened.

"I like Fang."

"One time I asked Fang a question about Chocobos and she gave me an answer!"

"Can Fang be my friend?"

"Felicia, WHO does your hair?" Meemaw asked once more.

"Nice crowd," Fang blushed.

"Vanille's ok."

"I don't agree or disagree on Vanille."

"Vanille is not applicable."

"Vivian, your shirt is hideous. How much you selling?"

"OH HO HO," Vanille cried; she wanted fame even if it was hate. She will make them hate her. She _will_ be hated.

"Next are the honeymoon couple Snow and Serah!" Tidus introduced them.

"That's my handson grandson. My angle. Stephanie did you lose height?"

"Snow was so nice to my family, we are all blind and he treated us like royalty and even drove us home!"

"Serah is a sweetheart. I had a heart attack and died and she prayed until I was alive again!"

"I love Snow's hair."

"Thanks Nancy!" Snow gave her a high five.

Behind the one way mirror Hope was sweating like an ice cube in an oven. "I-I-I-I'm so nervous. I don't think I can survive a roast! I barely survive sunburns."

"No way. You're not going out there," Lightning said. "People grill you on a skillet online all the time, you think they'll be nice enough to use Pam spray in _person_? No way, that crap costs money and these people aren't spending a dime on you."

The focus group was escorted out. "This is taking way too long," Noctis realized that 3 hours had passed. "We still have like two thousand people out there. We should cancel the focus groups and do a town hall meeting."

The mob was relocated to the barn for the town hall meeting. "Welcome!" Tidus said and left the audience a microphone stand. "This is open mic, have at it with your comments and concerns!"

Some dad came up for a comment. "Can I have a refund for yesterday? I had a heat stroke and had to go to the hospital."

"Um, yesterday was free?" Lightning said.

"FRICK!" the dad ran out the door.

A kid came up to the mic. "I foundedid a sandwich on the ground and I ate it and now I have salmonella."

"My husband is SO sorry," Serah knew it was Snow's she KNEW it.

A man was next. "I am a huge fan of Kairi and her Kitchen. But I despise the food she makes. Why can't we get ourselves some hot, JUICY burgers? HOT JUICY BURGERS! HOT JUICY BURGERS!" he chanted.

"HOT JUICY BURGERS!" everyone joined along.

The gang knew a riot would start if they didn't do something fast and huddled. "I can't believe I'm saying this," Fang couldn't believe she was saying this. "You need to go out there Hope and be a child star. Sing, dance, win their hearts!"

"ME!?"

"HIM?" Noctis said. "My crew's waiting outside for me, we're supposed to go camping once I get off. We can do the performance. We just wrote our first original song called _Bros Without Dough_."

"Nah. It has to be a small child. Someone fragile and naïve," Fang insisted. "Snow, give him some cowboy gear!"

"Gladly!" Snow handed Hope a sombrero, a lasso, cowboy boots, and a gun.

"That's mine!" Sazh realized there his missing guns had gone.

"Yer name's Johnson Wisconsin, a lonely son of a cheese farmer," Fang explained her vision.

"NOO!"

"Ladies and Gents, are you ready for a performance from the world famous musician Johnson Wisconsin?" Tidus rallied the audience.

"WHO?"

"You don't know who Johnson Wisconsin is? You've all been living under a ROCK? Under the sea!?" Tidus pretended that he was a huge deal. "Well here he is!"

Hope went on stage with a guitar he had no clue how to play and a song he had no lyrics to. "This song is called…Fighting Fate?" He strummed the guitar randomly.

"You used the power of a l'Cie! The fal'Cie cursed us! We're l'Cie now!

As long as you have a goal, you can fight?

A l'Cie's only hope is a quick death!

You say you want a family. What if, what if they were taken from you?

And what if that gets people around you involved? What happens when your actions end up ruining someone's life? What if someone dies? What then, Snow?

How do you pay for what you've done?

I'm done with their lies. Fal'Cie, this whole Focus thing. From here on out I use my own eyes. Think. And act. I might not make all the right choices. But as long as I'm the one who decided what to do, there's nothing to regret!"

"oH," the preteens were teary eyed.

"Congrats," Noctis told him backstage after everyone left. "There was a talent agent in the audience, just what Dope Cent needed, and they're booking you for a nationwide concert tour and studio album."

"Bloody Pulse, they weren't supposed to _like_ him, they were supposed to _pity_ him!" Fang regretted creating this Johnson Wisconsin.

"I'm not going on a concert tour. I'm staying here and cleaning chocobo poop and eating Kairi's food!" Hope panicked.

"You mean _my _food," Riku came out with a tray of tacos.

"OHHHHHHHH!" they screamed.

Next time: A natural disaster strikes!

* * *

I can't believe it, this fic is almost over. I only have 5 more chapters planned T.T Thank you to everybody who's been reading from day 1, day 100, just today, everyone thank you all! :)

PS. This natural disaster will not be the end, it's just a funny random thing that will happen XD

The day I upload the final chapter I will be updating all the chapters with the Final Mix version. This will be the version with (hopefully) no typos, no punctuation inconsistencies, added content, more detailed exposition, etc. If you're considering rereading this fic you might want to wait until the Final Mix version (if you want) :)

AND *drum roll* I will start publishing my next fic that same day, it's a sequel to this fic in which the Kingdom Hearts kids go back to high school at Square Enix High for senior year! The faculty are, YOU FREAKING GUESSED IT, Final Fantasy characters! Lightning's the gym teacher, Sephiroth's the principal, Yuna's the Home Economics teacher, Cloud's the bus driver, the list goes on! :)

Please review! Thank you CustomEyes and CookieKupo! :) (Me gusta mucho el grupo Diaura, pienso que es uno de los mejores grupos de jrock! Y gracias por tu apoyo! :)

And Guest, I hope you're liking my fic, I couldn't really tell from your reviews XD But to answer your question Donald, Goofy, and King Mickey are _somewhere_…?

See you all next time ^_-


	41. Chapter 41: Tornado

Chapter 41: Tornado

"Oh my YEVON!" Tidus had stolen Yuna's rickety 2001 Toyota Corolla to drive himself to his shift at the farm as she stayed at home in Besaid during the storm. The winds were going at 200 miles an hour and the car had been blown off the freeway so he was now driving off road trying to remember which way was up and down and whether or not he remembered to leave the chicken out to defrost at home. "Oh darn!" the car engine conveniently stopped in the middle of mud ditch.

Tidus' phone rang. "TAMPON! Where the hell are you!? We got broken shards of glass everywhere and no one to clean it up."

"Yuna's car broke down and I'm stuck in a ditch!" he told his boss. "Send help!"

In less than half an hour Noctis' car drove in to save him. It was Snow in the driver's seat. "Howdy!" he opened the window. "AHHHHHHH!" the wind blew dirt into the car. He put on his big boy pants, jorts (jean shorts) and went out to rescue Tidus and shove him in the backseat. "Nice weather we're havin'!" he got to driving back to the farm.

"Did Noctis _die_?" Tidus wondered why Snow was sent in the royal car.

"No way, Light sent me to pick you up so I _borrowed_ the car," he left out the part about breaking off the steering wheel, having to attach it back on with a hot glue gun, getting hot glue in his hair, having Serah give him an visual kei haircut, being ridiculed by Lightning for said haircut, trying not to cry, and crying a lot before finally setting off to rescue him.

Using the advanced GPS and airship capabilities of the Audi R8, Snow flew them back to the farm and were greeted by a very angry Lightning.

"NO! You weren't supposed to come back!" Lightning was hoping that Snow would get destroyed by the wind.

"You kiddin? That boy survived getting run over by a car at least 3 times, ain't nothing stopping him," Fang said, but left out the part about her being the person driving him over, and Snow being the one daring her to.

Everyone was huddled inside the house with their eyes glued to the TV. "We have an F5 tornado/hurricane/volcano combo rampaging at 500mph," Anchorman Reno said on Shinra7 News. "The entire northern continent is gone, flat out gone, just wiped off the map. Adel escaped her tomb in outer space and Sin is back."

Hope was writing a letter to the Pope to confess his sins in case he died. "Deer, Poup. My naem is Hop, I m a cinner. Last nite I tooted and blamed it on Dodge, he cryed so much. I lied wen vanirre asked me if her outfit mached her ripstick (it did, butt I told her it ddint). And I will nevr 5get the time wen i told my mom ill always b her littre boi (i was a man for a few minuts one tiem). And I accidentally killed a horce one tiem."

"Why aren't we evacuating and getting the HECK away from here!?" Sazh said as the map on the TV was showing the tornado moving in the direction of the farm. "I already packed all hummus from the fridge, I'm ready when you are!" Sazh only needed hummus to survive.

"Chill out, I got insurance," Lightning was downing a bottle of Rumchata.

Sazh burst into a fit of laughter. "You don't have health insurance, you don't have car insurance, you sure as heck don't have life insurance. But you got TORNADO insurance?"

"Have you _seen _Sharknado? F*** that!"

"Whoops, there goes Lorenzo," Vanille said as she watched the TV footage of the megatornado wiping out the local jail. "Barely knew ya, adeus!"

"I am _starving_," Sora came down from the attic ladder. "Riku's almost done building the raft. What's for dinner?"

"It's 10am and there's nothing to eat because you broke our entire kitchen making that fried chicken and you used up all our firewood to build the raft," Serah was panicking.

"Babe, it's ok! We got a bunch of chocobos in the barn, we can have some bird sushi if we need to," Snow said.

"THE CHOCOBOS!" Serah realized that they had forgotten all about their animals.

"OH."

Using some hiking poles and cleats the gang took a good 15 minutes walking a few feet against the wind to the barn only to find all their chocobos missing.

"We've been robbed!" Vanille screamed. She gasped when she saw a can of hairspray abandoned in the hay. "It was _Noctis_," she picked it up.

"That little," Lightning took out her phone to block him on facebook, instagram, snapchat, tumblr, and twitter.

"Finally," they heard a voice coming from underground followed by some warks and kwehs.

"NOKUTO! DAIJOUBU?" Snow stomped on the ground until the hatch hidden in hay gave out, causing everyone to come crashing down to a hidden underground tornado safe room.

The safe room was like nothing they have ever seen before (because they've never seen one before). The walls were made of gray steel, there were hundreds, no, thousands of cans of Bush's Baked Beans.

"AH!" Sazh screamed when he realized there was only one can opener.

"Why are you hiding down here!?" Serah asked Noctis who was huddled with some chocobos and munching on the one slice of bacon that comes inside each can of Bush's Baked Beans. "We needed to use your car to rescue Tidus but we couldn't find you so Snow hotwired it and there's hot glue all over the steering wheel now."

"So Chocobo Bill was a really smart guy and had this safe house installed," Noctis showed them the news article he tracked down on his phone called, "NO MORE 'DOS for these 'BOS."

"Lame!"

"Weenie!"

"I ain't NO hollaback girl," they ridiculed the safe room.

"Bruh, bro, bronie," Snow got down to the prince's petite level. "This is the biggest tornado ever in the entire world and you wanna MISS it? Riku's been building us a raft all morning just to go surfing on that thing and you're going to tell him, 'Nah Riku, I'd rather sit around and develop cardiovascular disease than get an entire year's worth of cardio done in ONE day.'"

They hiked back to the house to tell Riku the bad news. "You guys got any band-aids?" Riku asked as he came down the ladder for a break from building; his hands and shoes were blood red.

"Uh, Riku…Rick…Richard? I'm… not joining you guys for tornado sailing. I'd rather… _not _die," Noctis told him the bad news.

"WHAT?" Riku flipped a table with his bloody hands.

"Riku crucified himself nailing that raft together!" Sora said.

"Riku carried all the firewood up a hill in the storm to build that raft!" Kairi too was offended.

"No, no!" Riku would not let Noctis get away with this. "I'm 99% done building this 12 person raft. Not an 11 person raft. TWELVE. If 11 people get on that raft it's going to ruin everything and we'll all fall out. Either we all get in that raft or no one does."

"DUDE."

"BLEASE."

"Give me _one_ good reason," Noctis wouldn't budge.

"Remember when we got free tickets to Thunder Down Under but you wouldn't drive us because it was too hot outside?" Vanille said.

"No…?"

"WHEN!?" Lightning couldn't believe she missed out.

"Neither…do I…" Vanille stepped back to disappear into a metaphorical bush ala Homer Simpson.

"Please!" Hope got down to his knees. "If I don't go tornado sailing today I never will, my mom doesn't even let me ride a bike unless it's indoors and nailed to the ground!"

"Come ON, you haven't lived until you've died and been resuscitated," Fang reminiscenced on the time she became The Bomb.

"If Dajh doesn't learn how to navigate a boat in the middle of a tornado today he never will!" Sazh was worried his son would never get that skill checked off.

"Fine!"

"Thank you," Riku said then finished the 1% left of the raft: painting on the name SS Real Emocean with some of Kairi's nail polish.

With the chocobos safe in the safe room, the gang shoved the raft out the attic and out the front door to embark while the winds had died down.

Lightning was checking over their emergency kit with Serah. "You packed the Jack Daniels, duct tape, and machete?"

"Yes I surrrre did! Exactly that," Serah lied; she had packed a 12 pack of Root Beer, bandages, and a pair of safety scissors.

"Great," Lightning gave her a pat on the back for the first time ever.

They buckled themselves into the raft with Dajh in the captain's seat. "What now daddy?" Sazh quickly showed him a video on Youtube called "How to Sail a Sailboat In 3 easy steps SAILING 101."

"Now just pretend the tornado is the ocean, which way is the wind coming from?" Sazh asked.

Little Dajh licked his finger and put it up in the air. "Sorth Weast!"

"Ok boy, how point the sail Sorth Weast."

Dajh walked over to the sail to set it up and point it in the right direction, it took the boy a good 15 minutes by himself.

"WOOO!"

"WOAHHH!" they screamed as the raft started to float in midair as the wind picked up.

"It's comin'! The Tormado's comin!" Snow was looking through his binoculars.

"Ok boy, now sail _into_ the tornado," Sazh told Dajh the next step.

"Oh my GEG," Sora was having a ST Elevated Myocardial Infarction as the raft was sailing right into the eye of the megatornado of doom.

The wind at this point had turned Serah's hair into cotton candy. "Darn it," she regretted not putting her hair in cornrows like Lightning, Fang, and Vanille did. "DARN IT," she regretted getting into the raft in the first place.

"FASTER DAJH!"

Dajh pulled a secret rope Riku told him about to let out an extra, MEGA sail.

"YES! YES! YES" Fang was screaming as the raft had, at this point, lifted 500 feet in the air and joined the outer spiral of the tornado.

"I'M GONNA LOSE IT," Tidus warned as he puked.

"NOW SERAH," Lightning wanted the Jack Daniels. She was handed a can of root beer. "SERAH NO." She opened the can anyways and the liquid just exploded in her face.

"YEH," Vanille took a can and just threw it in a random direction.

"OW!" it flew 2 feet backwards and hit Noctis in the nose.

Hope wrote one final letter in case this was the end. "Mommy i cant c any th ing

HE

L

P

M

E."

"YEAH BABY!" Snow decided now was a good time to light some fireworks. He took out some rods of TNT and just chucked them. "OOPS," he forgot to ignite them. "THOSE COST ME 40 BUCKS EACh!" he cried.

"WE LOST SORA!" Riku realized that he passed out. He removed Sora's wallet from his pocketless jumpsuit.

"MY MUNNY!" Sora woke up just in time to see his wallet fly into the debris.

"MY CROCS!" Kairi's strapless shoes joined the wallet into the abyss.

_30 minutes later_

"TURN AROUND!" Sazh said as the tornado was coming close to the ocean to become a waterspout. He also turned around himself to check on his friends; half of them were passed out, Snow was bald and Hope was gone, just gone.

"okie," Dajh said and made a 180 degree turn to land the raft into the softest looking place around, which the brick town of Alexandria. He landed the raft beautifully onto the roof of a random house.

Lightning slapped Serah until she finally regained consciousness. "Moogies?" she was confused, until her eyes focused and saw Snow's head. "No! Not again!"

"I don't know how this happened!" Snow couldn't explain why only he became bald.

"That was the best ride in my entire _life_," Vanille was still amazed.

"What was?" Fang was confused.

"_Oh no!_" Vanille realized Fang got amnesia once again. "Nothing…I don't remember anything either!"

They walked around town to get some ice cream or something and saw a group of townsfolk huddled around a tree.

"Hope!" they yelled when they saw it was Hope stuck up on the tree.

"Get down here cadet!" Lightning yelled at him.

"I can't!" he was up very high holding onto a branch.

"You can't _what_!?" she picked up some rocks from the ground and threw them at him.

"OW! OW! OW!" each rock was conveniently hitting him in the kneecap until he finally let go and fell down at least two stories.

They took a taxi cab back to the farm and found it all in one peace. In fact, there was no evidence there was a tornado in the first place. There was a line of customers waiting to come in and the chocobos were grazing in the corral. Kairi's food stand was fully stocked with raw tamales and the front door was unlocked.

"Huh?"

Next time: It's Halloween!

* * *

So sorry for the long delay, a lot of things happened these past few weeks and I'm finally catching up to my regular life.

Please review! Thank you CustomEyes and cookiekupo! :D

See you all next time ^_-


	42. Chapter 42: Halloween

Chapter 42: Halloween

"WHY DIDN'T WE START THIS EARLIER?" Serah was panicking as she was building the paper mache chocobo piñata for the Halloween Party at lightspeed. "DON'T," she saw Snow try to make a paper mache wallet instead.

With Halloween statistically being the busiest day for chocobo farms for some reason the gang thought it was a good idea to have a huge Halloween party. It was 4am now, they had thousands of people RSVP on the event page on Facebook and were nowhere near done getting the crap ready for the party.

Sazh finally drove into the premises with the rental truck. "Where boss?"

"I don't know, in the pond or something!" Lightning said. Sazh proceeded to park the truck by the pond and opened the back door to unleash the thousands of pumpkins he had singlehandedly transported from the nearby pumpkin farm. "We're missing something, what the hell are we missing?"

"THE FRICKING CANDY," Fang realized.

"HORY SHET," Lightning hopped in her Mustang and sped down to Walmart.

Hope and Vanille were not helping, they were getting their costumes ready. "You're going to be so pretty," Vanille was doing his hair in puffy pigtails. "We're totally going to win the costume contest with our Powerpuff Girls cosplay. If only Fang would let me cut her hair like Buttercup's!"

"If my dad finds out he's going to cry so much," Hope said; he had told his dad he was going to be Captain America, not Bubbles. His mom however would be very pleased.

"Fang we're waiting on YOU!" Vanille stood in the doorway already in full Blossom cosplay and a pair of scissors and the flat iron.

"Can't you see I'm a little busy?" Fang too had a pair of scissors, but was instead doing a favor for Snow and chopping a blond wig for his Naruto cosplay. "How's that?"

"Bootiful!" Snow wanted to cry.

With the piñata finally done Snow and Serah needed to have a serious discussion with Noctis, who was taking a nap on the couch.

"He's so serene," Serah was surprised he slept past the screaming and brief kitchen fire.

_FLASHBACK_

"_I trust you Kairi," Riku handed her the bowl of apples and pot of caramel._

"_Oh man!" it caught on fire when she touched it._

"YO NOCT," Snow picked him up and slammed him on the floor.

"OUCH." When he opened his eyes he saw Snow and Serah in their Naruto and Sakura cosplay. "Oh no…"

"We need you to be our Sasuke," Sakura Serah explained.

"I'd rather go VEGAN than do that!"

"You don't understand, we had this all planned out. Judge Yuffie's Kakashi but our Sasuke, Vinnie V, backed out. We need you!" Snow pleaded.

"Dope Cent's performing tonight, I'm supposed to be Tuxedo Mask!" Noctis explained.

"For Christ's sake, Yuffie BLEACHED her hair for this!" Serah insisted.

Snow looked at Serah, who mouthed back, "_Do it_."

The initiated their backup plan and very quickly glued the Leaf Village Headband to Noctis' face using Gorilla Glue.

"_I got bad news_," Noctis began to text his friends.

"Who wants candy?" Lightning came back inside with boxes upon boxes of sweet treats.

"Me me me!" Hope and Dajh hopped up and down, flailing their arms. Lightning handed them one each and they started crying. "Anything but dark chocolate!"

"You went to Walmart on Halloween and brought back the Xenosaga Episode II equivalent of candy!?" Sazh shook his head. "I mean I should have known, you're the one that thought bringing a carrot cake for the kiddos' graduation party was a good idea."

"What's wrong with carrot cake?" Lightning said.

"EVERYTHING!" Serah McFrickin' lost it.

"Great! We might as well add 'bring your own candy' to the Facebook page," Fang said. They had already put BYOB (bring your own booze) when they discovered Lightning drank all of the alcohol they had left, including the nail polish remover.

Sazh got to making something for the kids. He placed some raw cookie dough on the counter and sprinkling in some butter, sugar, cinnamon, and raisins.

"You're making donuts?" the KH kids asked. "We already have the corn dogs in the microwave."

"No, I don't know what the heck this is, it's just something sweet for the kids!" Sazh said then put the crud in a pan to fry them.

"But what's it called?" Kairi asked as she took notes.

"I dunno, it's just something _sweet for the kids_!"

"So when they come ask for it what are they going to say? We want the 'something sweet for the kids'?" Riku laughed.

"Ok you're right about that Riku, how about… Sazh's Sweet Treats?" Sazh put the finished product in a bowl.

The gang got to putting on their costumes before it was time for the party to start. "No Lightning, pinning an old Sugar Baby candy wrapper on yourself is not a Halloween costume!" Serah stopped her sister. "Isn't there anything you want to be for a day?"

"Noctis _wants_ to be Sasuke?" Lightning saw him still crying a little in a corner.

"Noctis is another story. Don't you want to be something like… a fairy? A blue hedgehog? Anything?" Serah prodded.

"I'm rich and beautiful. I'm perfect."

"SIS."

"Ok fine," Lightning went to the multipurpose bedroom and fetched something to put on. She came back out wearing her huge fur coat and holding a stuffed animal. "Happy now? I'm Cruella De Vil."

"You want to be a Dalmatian poacher? That's not even a Dalmatian, that's a duck! Did you even see the movie!?" Serah was cracking up.

"You and I both know the only movies I watch are movies with Chris Evans in them," Lightning reminded her.

"Like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?" Serah reminded _her_.

"HEY."

"Pika pika?" Sazh came out in a Pikachu kigurumi with Dajh dressed as small Ash Ketchum. "Did I do it right?"

"Ok, now saw it like yer gonna get trapped in a ball one tenth yer size if you don't beat the crap out of that Wartotle," Buttercup Fang advised.

"PIKA PIKA!"

"LOUDER!"

"PIIIIKAAAAAAAA-"

"daddy, we're indoors," Dajh reminded his dad.

"Oops," Sazh needed to follow his own rules about indoors voices.

Just then the doorbell rang. "Treat or treat!" two voices said.

Snow opened the door. "Well if it ain't Trek and Yiona!" he greeted Tidus Shrek and Yuna Fiona and handed them each a piece of dark chocolate.

"Bleh!" Yuna gagged a little.

"So boss, is everything ready for the party?" Tidus asked.

"Kairi's finishing up with the slime but yeah we're ready."

"FASTER RIKU!" Sora whipped the boy with a belt as Kairi was dressing up.

"I can only extract the juice from the Gushers so fast!" Riku was poking each piece of Gusher candy to collect the slimy juice.

Kairi came out in her Ariel mermaid cosplay.

"Awww!" everyone thought she was so cute.

"Wait Kairi, you got TWO Prince Erics!?" Vanille realized Sora and Riku were dressed the same. "I can't even get me _one_ prince charming!"

"Consider yourself lucky," Kairi said; she wanted them to be Flounder and Sebastian but instead got the two Prince Erics she never asked for.

They went to open the gate for everyone and anyone to come on in to the party and were greeted by masses of cosplayers.

"Hey, the FF8 kids are dressed as the Persona 4 kids!" Hope recognized them. They then started sucking water out of the pond, electricity from random outlets, and ice from the punch bowl to junction to their weapons. "Oh my." He went over to the potluck table and saw the FF7 gang.

"Zack, I told you!" Aeris was laughing. "BYOB stands for bring your own beverage, not bring your own beans."

"Aw man, well I can't win them all!" Zack put down his crock pot of beans on the table to share.

Hope ran over to Lightning to tell her that Zack was here but saw her hiding in a trash can. "I see you."

"Shh! Laguna's here!"

Lightning had sent Fang to get rid of Laguna who was cosplaying Gaston and puking in a bucket. "You ok there mate?"

"I ate 5 dozen raw eggs this morning like Gaston."

"The poor bloke's puking his brains out!" Fang reported back to the trash can. "Should I call him an ambulance?"

"Call Meals on Wheels for all I care, just get him out of here!" Lightning said. "You need something?" she noticed Hope was still there.

"Yeah Zack Fair's h-"

Lightning busted out of the trash can, making a huge mess, and ran until she saw the people in line to get Zack's autograph. "Why is he dressed as a female McDonald's employee and breastfeeding a baby doll?"

"Hehe, funny story," Aeris answered, dressed as a stick of butter. "He was supposed to be the peanut to my butter but this morning my mom talked to him about how she raised me as a single working mom so he changed his mind and dressed as a single working mom. I think he missed the part about her adopting me though."

"Sign my bra!" Vanille was next in line for his autograph.

"First YOU sign this petition to get free child care for single working women!" Zack handed her the clipboard.

Cloud was sitting by in his corn costume. "Come on Cloud, it's the perfect time to make new friends," Tifa, who was dressed as a corn farmer, told him. "Everyone loves corn, and it's everywhere: corn syrup, corn oil, corn flakes, corn bread!"

"Yeah it's all over the place, like my eMoTiOnS," Cloud wanted to cry.

"Hey daddy, that guy is a corn! I like corn," Dajh pointed at Cloud.

"This is perfect, answer him Cloud!" Tifa cheered him on.

"What's your favorite kind of corn?" Cloud talked to him like he talked to Marlene.

"Corn dude is my favorite corn! I chose you!" Dajh tossed him his pokeball.

"OH," Cloud got teary eyed.

* * *

"Cloud made a new friend today," Tifa told Yuffie at the beer and beans buffet.

"It only took him 19 years!" Yuffie couldn't remember a single instance of Cloud making a friend since 1997. "Now, where's my Naruto!?" she still couldn't find Snow amongst the countless of other Narutos at the party.

"KAKASHI SENSEI!" Snow finally found her. "Here's your Sasuke," he shoved Noctis forward.

"Horii shitto! He's perfect! Beautiful! Tifa take a pic for us will ya," Yuffie was so excited. They did their best ninja poses with the jutsu hand signs, but Noctis not knowing them just threw up a gang sign.

"Say…Naruto?" Tifa held the camera.

"More like GAY-ruto!" someone said. Tifa looked behind to scold them but saw that it was just another Naruto cosplayer that said it.

"YEHH! Parkour!" Yuffie ran up a wall and did a back flip.

"Parkour!" Snow jumped across the potluck table.

"Parkour!" Serah did cheerleader cartwheels.

"Parkour?" Noctis teleported onto the roof.

"PARKOUR!"

"Why is there a ninja party on my roof?" Lightning saw the 4 ninjas battling it out with real weapons.

"I think the better question's who passed Tidus the karaoke mic!" Fang threw tomatoes at Tidus on the karaoke stage.

"Seid ihr das Essen? Nein, wir sind die Jäger!" Tidus sang the Attack on Titan opening while doing the choreography of 2PM's All Day Thinking Of You with a plastic lawn chair (which actually looks pretty lame when only 1 person's doing it).

"Get off my roof you weeaboos!" Lightning threw pumpkins at them.

"Welp, relocate then?" Serah supposed and led them into the house through the chimney.

Hope was being bullied by a kid in a Sonic the Hedgehog suit when two interesting people showed up to the party. The guy was dressed as Fei from Xenogears but the woman, well, she was something _else._

Her hair was the shade of a raven, teased perfectly into the beehive shape that was wrapped with long red and black silk ribbons. The mole on her cheek and the librarian glasses on her temples said "I'm here to get my college degree" whilst her body clearly said something else. Her suit was made of latex, outlined by golden chains at the seams. The zipper that started in the middle of her bosom led to who knows where and the blood on her ivory gloves have been there since who knows when. The watch on her chest was where her wrist was not, and the belts on her upper arms were where her waist was not. Her winged cape was made of human hair, probably taken from the scalp of a hater, and the heels of her pumps were made of guns.

"Hey, who let in Bayonetta!" Sazh greeted Lulu and Wakka.

"Nice to see you Sazh, Dajh," Lulu smiled.

"HEYA!" Wakka did a Tae-kwon-do move, kicking Hope in the face. "Brudda I am _so_ sorry."

"It's ok…" Hope now had foot stamp on his cheek: the brand of The Contact.

"Who is that lovely singer?" Lulu looked around for the angelic voice.

Vanille was on the karaoke stage, conveniently surrounded by a group of monkey cosplayers, and sang her favorite song in the world: Thrilling! Is this love? from the Fan Club mini game of Rhythm Heaven.

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey now, here is my song

for you yeah that's right!

I wish that I was yours but I'm too shy, I suppose.

If only I could just conjure a spell.

Kapow! Hocus, hocus, hocus!

Then you and I would be together for all time, I suppose.

Is it love that makes my heart go boom, boom, boom?

Yeah, I suppose!

Love you, love you, love you!

More than yesterday…

I suppose!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

"Vanille sings?" Sazh couldn't believe it. "Since when?"

"_When you all shut your mouths and listen to the sound of something else besides your constant whining and trash talking_," Hope wanted to say. "Since today," he actually said.

"_Vanille! Your voice of a mouse carols like the chirp of a canary. Your mother would be proud_," Fang greeted her off the stage in Oerban.

"_My mother was a harlot. I am the product of her and a toothless squirrel farmer. I would rather die than make her proud_," Vanille said.

"_Shall it be by lance, mace, or flail?_"

"_Flail is fine_."

"Hey, Sergeant Farron!" Zack had finished giving autographs to his fans to finally greet Lightning. "Great party, I love the cute little tombstone decorations."

"Thanks, they're left over from my… funeral," she almost spilled the beans about her marriage.

"So," Zack started his sales pitch, "I want you to close your eyes and imagine a world where you, a single woman, you're out in the town having some fun then all of a sudden 9 months later you have a baby-"

"Ew, I'd rather be dead."

"No one dies. It was a _beautiful_, natural delivery."

"Ok but who's the dad? Is he hot? Is he…you?" Lightning asked.

"HAHA, nope. It's…Cloud!" Zack laughed.

"GOD, _anyone_ but Cloud."

"Fine then, it's me! The point is I'm gone-"

"Oh sh*t. Where did you go? Did you leave a note?"

"I ran away to Mexico and there was no note, so you're stuck raising this baby all by yourself-"

"What the hell Zack, I trusted you!" Lightning slapped him.

"That's right, you're angry! And now you have to work 2 jobs because childcare costs more than your rent, you hate me!"

"SCREW YOU ZACK FAIR!" Lightning tackled him to the ground.

"Awww, mommy and daddy are wrestling," Hope was touched and took some photos.

Sazh was chatting with Lulu about the state of the Church of Yevon post-FFX when he got a text from Lightning, "_Clean the bedroom_."

"_I say months ago we should clean up that pig sty and all of a sudden now you want to too?_" he texted back.

"_DO IT_."

"Sorry Lulu, duty calls. Feel free to help yourself to the candy buffet," Sazh said.

"Is that what BYOC stands for? I thought it meant bring your own clams so I made clam chowder," Lulu said.

"You mean _I _made some clam chowder," Wakka said and went to fetch the crackpot from Lulu's Hummer.

When Sazh went inside the house he was surprised to see the ninja party that Snow, Serah, Noctis, and Yuffie were having. "Hey, you probably want to stop these shenanigans before Light comes in with her new boy toy!" Sazh advised them.

"It's not shenanigans, it's sharingan! DO IT SASUKE!" Snow yelled.

"HOLY MOTHER OF," Sazh jumped when Noctis' eyes turned blood red. He ran away to the bedroom and started shoving everything in the closet. "_Ya good_," he texted Lightning.

"Yeah Zack, my beanie baby collection is right over here," Lightning led him into the house. "NO."

This ninja party had turned the living room into a literal trash can. A fort of couch cushions was held together by the left over paper mache and there were somehow full sized trees just laying around all over the place. A ladder was glued from one side of the room to the far side of the kitchen to serve as monkey bars and there was a hole in the roof for quick access to the attic.

"Wait, who's Hokage right now?" Kakashi Yuffie stuck her head down from the hole.

"I think I am?" Sakura Serah said as she hung upside down from the monkey bars. Their game of Hokage just consisted of stealing a stick that was labeled "Hokage."

"No, I have it here," Sasuke Noctis had it in his butt pocket.

"Fire style, fireball jutsu!" Naruto Snow threw put a fork in the microwave…

and the microwave exploded…

and the power went out.

"I bet it's the breakers, I'll get to it," Zack went to fetch his tool box.

Lightning followed Snow's fluorescent white teeth in the darkness and smashed her phone into his face. "You call Shinra and get our power back on NOW!"

Snow dialed the number, 1-800-MAKO. "Yo, Shinra Electric Power Company? OH, Rufus Shinra, I wasn't expecting you to answer. Well, eheheh, I kinda goofed. I heated a fork in the microwave and lost our power so now we don't have any way to heat up our Hot Pockets. And on top of that we were throwing a huge Halloween party so no one can see my squad's awesome cosplay anymore. Yeah, good day to you too!" he hung up. "He told me to never have children."

"Ha, the day you have kids is the day I join a convent."

"Fine, let's do it! _Sister_."

Lightning walked out the door.

"Can I be the grandma!?" Yuffie got excited. "You can call me Granny Yuf! Or…_GYK_."

"Granny Yuf, want to pass me a HP?" Noctis asked from the fort.

"Gotcha," Yuffie chucked the frozen Hot Pocket in the direction his voice came from. "Did ya get it?"

"I did," Serah answered from not the direction Noctis was in.

"How about now?" Yuffie chucked another one into the darkness.

"Not yet."

"BOY I will throw you a Hot Pocket and you will CATCH IT," she chucked the last one.

"_Where _are you aiming!?" Noctis still hadn't received it.

"At me!" Serah now had three.

* * *

Fang had lit a trash can on fire outside and everyone was huddled around it since it was the only source of light in a 10 mile radius. Ariel Kairi poured the bag of raw corn dogs into the fire. "You don't want them anymore or what?" Fang asked and shoved in the piñata.

"Shoot! I just meant to heat them up," Kairi gazed sadly at her corndogs being consumed by the flames.

"Let's not forget these," Shrek Tidus came hauling a bag of hate mail and dumped them into the fire. One letter flew not into the flames, but into Tidus' hands. He opened it up; he couldn't believe it.

_Buy 1 Get 1 Free $5 Foot Long._

"YUNA! Our time has _come_!" they raced down to Subway to eat fresh.™

"You got the corn dogs Kairi?" Riku came back from a 2 minute pee break to start handing them out to the guests.

"Uh…yeah," she handed him some pixie sticks from her pocket.

"I was gone for two minutes Kairi."

"Maybe Sora has something left over in his car," Kairi supposed. "Sora?" she turned to see him on the phone.

"Dad I can explain!" Sora's dad finally found out about Kairi's Kitchen. "It started out honest, just me, Kairi, and Riku. Then the Yakuza got involved and the Church of Yevon and the Occult and Paula Deen and ice cube- no not the rapper, an actual ice cube. At one of the shareholder meetings Seymour Guado slipped on an ice cube so I had the Church of Yevon threatening to excommunicate me. But we were bought out by a nice rich lady and we're fine now!"

"Do you know how close I was to wrecking Zack Fair's engagement?" Lightning was complaining to Sazh. "Because of that ninja ass jutsu head Zack's at Home Depot trying to find something to fix the power instead stuffed in a luggage case on his way to my vacation home in Thailand."

"Zack's butt would _fit_ in a luggage case?" Sazh was shocked.

"I'll _make it_."

"Hey party people, come on out to the bonfire for some scary stories," Tifa was trying to lure out the FF8 kids (plus Vanille) that were having a make out party in the barn. "Quick! Start telling scary stories!" she told the people around the bonfire. "Cloud, go!"

"Uh…one time I got hot sauce in my eyes but I was in at an ice cream shop that doesn't even have hot sauce and I have no clue how it happened and it haunts me to this very day," Corn Cloud said.

"Holy crap Cloud."

Hope went next. "One time I was at summer camp in middle school and somehow my mom signed me up to stay in the girls' cabins but I was terrified of catching the cooties so I wrapped myself in a bunch of bubble wrap and when we went on our group hike they pushed me down a hill to see if the bubble wrap could handle it then they forgot about me. Is anyone even listening to me?"

Lightning was already talking over him. "A long time ago me and my friend Joanne Prada were going to Mexico for a heist so we drove south for hours and hours and when we got to the border the sign said 'Welcome to Canada,' like WTH. The scarier thing was that the taco stand we stopped at in Vancouver was way better than anything we'd ever had in Mexico."

Fang poured some cooking oil and snakes into the fire pit and went next, "Back in Oerba there was another girl named Fang that stole some fruits from the fruit man so the village decided to curse her and I went to the ceremony. After they did the cursing some weird things started happening to _me_. My foot was always itchy, my plants never lasted a few days, I dropped everything I touched, and my food was always a little undercooked. To this day I still don't know if I she was the one who got cursed or _me_."

"Is that why you burn your meat?" Sazh finally understood why her food was always charred beyond necessary.

"_You_ were the one that stole the fruits! We made peach pie that day remember?" Vanille said.

"AW SHET."

Vanille went next. "Back when I liked that scum bag Noel Kreiss in high school I would payed an Al Bhed I met online to find me his phone number. So I texted him Noel some of my favorite English KPOP lyrics. 'I'm genie for you boy. Don't deny our r-squared-pi. Baby I'm sorry, we got the better. Sexy, free, and single, I'm ready too, bingo! My love is bigger than the gingerbread man's vitality. Careless, careless, shot, anonymous, anonymous, heartless, mindless, no one who care about me? Still I have romantic in my heart! I must go make it mission, let's go mission, make it go. Probably, your money is umpublic. To save my life like a puppy and cream. Another hot movie character like bumble bee, treat me like a slave and I pray is it Halloween. Trick of treats, oh please, don't even try to pull my head down your way,' so his mom called the cops on me and I spent a night in jail and it was reallllly scary."

The ninja gang had finally shown up at the bonfire outside to join the spooky story party. "Can I go next?" Snow asked.

"Wait your turn boy," Sazh sat him down on a bucket. "I took my brother to the county fair when we were kids and he released all the barn animals and blames it on ME so now _I'm_ banned for life and Dajh will never get to pet a mutant mini horse."

"what's a county fair daddy?" Dajh asked.

"It's nothing my soN," Sazh was teary eyed.

"It was my Meemaw's birthday back in Kansas so like a good grandson I took her to a shopping spree at ye olde Walmart and I lost sight of her at the aquarium section so I'm looking all over the place for her and I go outside and see her on the roof with some pool noodles chanting 'TOTINOS. TOTINOS.' Then she starts tightroping on the telephone wires saying 'I left my bees at Applebees, they got my bees!' and I'm having a panic attack because if Peepaw finds out Meemaw's going to Applebees without a coupon I'm the one getting a bullet to the foot. I figured I can't stop her so I head down to Applebees to tell them to turn her away but _she's already there_! So I headed down to Goodwill to get me a used suit of armor but they only got one in size 2 so I hired a kid named Bubba to wear it and break the news to Peepaw. But Peepaw's a smart man and knew right away that knights are extinct so he found me waiting for Bubba outside and he shot me in the foot. Did I mention I know what it feels like to get SHOT IN THE FOOT?" Snow told the story of the most terrifying day of his life.

"Oh my," Noctis could never look at Snow the same way again.

"Dayum! That's worse than the time I accidentally robbed myself and couldn't figure out why I ended up with the same number of Materia I started with," Yuffie laughed. "And you miss goody two shoes?"

"When me and Snow were dating Lightning banned him from her house so he set up camp in the backyard. I helped him pitch the tent and hack into the wifi and everything. That's when the voices started coming to him. So I'd let him sneak into my room through the window and sleep on the floor, but then I started hearing the voices too! They would say random things like 'Remember who you are' and 'boots with the fur.' We had a priest come in to bless the house and he said it had 'a lot of sin' which was probably my sister's fault. But the voices didn't stop and we finally figured out that the end button on Snow's flip phone didn't work so it was Meemaw talking the whole time!"

"Ahahaha!" they had a fun night of Halloween.

Next time: Yuffie convinces the Farron Farm to film a reality show!

* * *

So many references in this chapter! To credit them:

Auntee Fee's Sweet Treats for the Kids

Naruto series

Numerous KPOP songs (the worst one is Mission by JYJ)

Joanne Prada aka Joanne The Scammer

Lyrics from the Fan Club mini game of Rhythm Heaven (tell me the girl in that mini game isn't Vanille!)

Please review! Thank you CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time ^_-


	43. Chapter 43: Reality Show Part 1

**Gosh I hate to do this, I'm so sorry for the delay, I started my job at the hospital so please be patient with me from now on TAT**

Chapter 43: Reality Show Part 1

It was the morning of November 1st and the gang had just finished cleaning up the trash can their farm became after that awesome Halloween party when Judge Yuffie planted her butt on the couch with her drink in hand.

"CHRIST Yuffie I swear if you spill ONE drop of horchata on that couch I will personally snap that shuriken of yours in half," Lightning had already spent hours bossing Hope to clean up all the hot pocket stains from the couch with his weak albino boy hands.

"Thanks! I've been meaning to get me a new one but Vinnie won't let me since 'the one I have is perfectly fine,'" Yuffie proceeded to pour the white drink all over the couch and handed over the weapon to Lightning who snapped it in half with her bare hands.

"That was…not as satisfying as it sounded," Lightning was oddly disappointed.

"Anywayz, get your greasy pumpkin butts in this room because I have a deal you'd be stupid to turn down!"

Everyone came out of the kitchen from helping poor Noctis get the Naruto headband off his face using a combo of bacon grease and gasoline and went to hear Yuffie's offer.

"Funny story, so ShinraTV won't let me back on my show with my bleached hair and I already signed the lease for my new penthouse on top of the Pizza so I need something, _anything_ to air. So we're filming a reality show and my crew's waiting outside and we're starting in 5 minutes!"

"FRICK."

"WE HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TWO DAYS!"

"I have gasoline all over my face!"

"OK, I need two more producers so grease face and TJ Maxx are coming to the trailer with me, yall have five minutes!"

"Not you too!" Tidus was shocked, but satisfied with his new producer alias.

COMING UP NEXT ON CHOCOBO PRISON *Crazy Chocobo plays* *50 tracks of bomb sounds* "I'M GOING TO CALL THE F%%ING POLICE" *seizure inducing montage of Snow swallowing a hot dog whole intercut with atomic bomb stock footage* "WHAT THE F%%% IS THIS F%%ING GARBAGE?" *Sazh throws plate* *shot is repeated 4 times* "UNF%%%ING BELIEVABLE" *SURROUND SOUND MACHINE GUN SOUNDS* *graphic of Lightning literally throwing a knife at your face* *sound of shattering windows*

Vanille walked in on Hope pooping on the toilet to fetch something from under the sink. "What'cha doing?" Hope was used to having subzero privacy in this farm.

"I'm having some fun with Lightning, finally gonna get her back for screwing up my chances with Noel Kreiss," she retrieved the bottle of bleach.

"You were the one that tried to kill him!"

"WHY IS YOUR POOP PURPLE!?"

"I c-c-c-can explain!"

Hope could not explain. He had no reason to have purple poop. It isn't even possible to have purple poop. He thought it was because of his purple jolly rancher diet but no, it's not.

Vanille went and poured the bleach into a cup. "Hey Light, you like water?" she offered the cup.

"Hell yeah," she chugged it.

* * *

"CUT!" Noctis called time out. "Jesus KREISST Vanille!"

"OH MY GOD," Tidus shrieked.

"She'll be fine!" Yuffie said.

"Y-y-yeah I'm f-f-fine," Lightning's vision started going black.

"The worst she'll get is a bleached butthole!" Yuffie insisted. "_Action_."

* * *

Fang walked into the kitchen and slipped on an ice cube. "WHo left this damn ice cube on the floor!? I'm crippled, crippled!" She made makeshift crutches using the ladder left over from the party last night and demanded everyone to get in a single file line.

Fang marched down like a crippled military commander. "YOU sweet cheeks, where were you two minutes ago instead of helping me make my cactus crown?"

"I was competing in the Olympics! I got 12th place in BMX cycling," Vanille swore on her life and handed over a bottle of hot sauce as proof.

"You warrior goddess, why won't you text me back?" Fang went to Lightning next.

"I spange to spange if any of you spanges spange but spange this you will be spange spanged." Translation: I was being poisoned.

"You hopeless one, why weren't you cleaning up the ice cube puddle? You too busy slitting your wrists and cry?"

"I-I-I w-w-was writing to my mom!" Hope handed over the work in progress.

"_Deer, mom. Gr8 news I foundedid the purpl ripstick u lost…I poop it out. Also gr8 news, im rich now so u I can bail dAd out of Jeyl for burneeng the hous down cince u wont. Also badd news some1 stol my debit card agein so the bank keep harassing me."_

Fang waddled over to Sazh and gave him a good slap on the butt. "Dark Cocoa, where were YOU?

"Teaching Dajh how to get the ladies! Show them boy!"

Dajh mounted his kiddie scooter and scooted up the wall, 360, double back flip, loop de loop, helicopter style, bon appetite, WOW.

"I'm a faker, you da maker," Vanille handed him her hot sauce.

"Cherry blossom pudding, why won't your sister text me back?" Fang waddled to Serah next.

"I was busy knitting Snow XXL socks for the winter!" Serah was still working on it.

"Thanks babe, they're gorgus!" Snow was wearing the 1 rainbow LGBT Ally sock she already finished.

"Abominable Snow Man, prove to me you weren't the one who left the ice cube on the floor," Fang was at her wits end.

"I was busy making ice cubes!" Snow held the ice cube tray…with one missing.

"F*** YOU."

"Not cool! Fang was supposed to play tennis with me 3 months from now but you ruined everything! You should be punished!" Vanille was livid.

"B-b-but, Light's the only one that can oppress around here and she's not in her right mind, we need to get her back to normal so she can choose the punishment!" Hope worried.

"IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB," Lightning said.

"Quick! What's the antidote to bleach?" Sazh asked. "Charcoal?" he guessed.

"Someone get the paupu juice!" Serah choose the sweetest fruit juice in existence.

They took the paupu juice and fed it to Lightning with a funnel. "BLEH don't feed me your nasty ass fruit juice," Lightning gagged back to normal.

"Snow left an ice cube on the floor and I slipped and I died and now he needs to be punished. What will it be?" Fang explained the situation to Lightning.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT ICE CUBES?" Lightning was fuming.

"…Ice cubes are for weenies that can't handle the heat…" Snow remembered.

"You're OUT. Out of here. Pack your 2 belongings and your ice cubes and get out of my house."

"Sis, if you're kicking Snow out you're kicking ME out too," Serah stood her ground.

"Have fun living in a cardboard box!"

Snow packed his toothbrush, toothpaste, and ice cubes and was bid farewell. He and Serah set up camp outside using the huge box the Dance Dance Revolution system arrived in several chapters ago. "Hey…this isn't so bad! We just pull the hose in here and we got ourselves a shower, we start a bonfire and we got a stovetop!" Snow was optimistic.

"But the ice cubes will melt!"

"NOOOO!"

Snow also cut out a window using his toothbrush and it conveniently gave them a perfect view of the house window. "They're having a party?" Serah noticed.

If you call playing with a Bop It a party, yeah they were having a party. With them being busy at the party Snow did some wiring to get some electricity into the house. Minutes later the electricity went out and Lightning barged in through the front door.

"You made a _front door_ to your cardboard house?"

"You took away my electricity!?" Snow was disappointed. "I spent two whole minutes hooking it up!"

"Yeah, that's budget cuts for you."

"What? Laguna cut your credit card limit to 10 million dollars instead of 20?" Snow laughed.

"Yeah, he did, thanks for snooping on my texts," Lightning held back a tear. "And the first thing getting cut is your electricity and water," she also cut the hose with a pair of scissors.

"HEY!"

"What's the second thing getting cut?" Serah giggled.

"Hope's phone plan so his bank quits harassing him."

"Third thing?"

Inside the house, Sazh was holding a tearful Dajh. "Why daddy, why?" the boy asked.

"Budget cuts," Sazh too shed a tear, mourning the loss of Dajh's subscription to National Geographic Kids magazine.

That afternoon they lunched on canned tomatoes. Dajh noticed a spider on the wall. "Daddy can I kill it?"

"Oh course my boy," Sazh handed him the gun and Dajh shot the spider.

"WOAH!"

"HEY!"

"You can't just give a kid a gun!"

"That's child endangerment, we can call Child Protective Services on you, ya know," Vanille had her finger ready to dial.

"He's been shooting guns for ages! Heck, he _flew our raft_ into the _tornado_ just last week!" Sazh had his hands up in the air.

Vanille called CPS anyways, and in a matter of minutes there was a knock on the door. "TJ Maxx? Since when do you work for the government?" Lightning was amused by Tidus in the business suit.

"_Yuffie sent me, play along!" _Tidus let himself in."I've received a report on a case of child endangerment. Mr. Sazh Katzroy you have been summoned to appear in court right now."

"Oh my God!" Sazh was not prepared for this.

* * *

Yuffie had set up her usual Judge Yuffie set up in the backyard by the dumpster. "Teeheehee, they say I can't air my show as I am, but they didn't say I can't do my show, _in another show!1_" Yuffie was giddy and ready to be back on camera.

"Wait, do you really have jurisdiction?" Noctis was hesitant about suing Sazh. "Are you even a real judge?"

"You calling me a liar?"

"I….yes?"

"I am therefore I judge." #RiseAndJudge

* * *

"NEXT UP ON JUDGE YUFFIE," the voiceover said, announcing the start of the segment. "The Child Protective Services is suing Sazh Katzroy, 40, for custody of his son Dajh, 2."

"Dajh ain't two!" Sazh started panicking even more.

"You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Yuffie Kisaragi…The people are REAL, the cases are REAL, the rulings are FINAL!"

"Katz, word on the street if your son has a gun, a big boy gun. Since when is a 2 year old a big boy?" JYK was getting very judgmental.

"My son does NOT own a gun and he is not 2 years old. He's a 5 year old young man and knows how to kill insects with a variety of instruments…including a gun," Sazh started. "This boy has a hunting license, a boat sailing license, and working on getting his pilot license like his daddy!"

Noctis handed over the paper work to Judge Yuffie. "License shmicense, paperwork means nothin'! I was voted 'most judgmental' in my high school yearbook and that was enough to get me this judging gig! This is an issue of safety not a piece of paper!" Yuffie giggled.

"OHHHHH SNAP!" Snow hollered in the audience.

"Eh hem, your honor," business boy Tidus raised his hand. "The CPS' goal is to keep the child in his/her own home when it is safe, and when the child is at risk, to develop an alternate plan as quickly as possible," he read off from the CPS website. "Therefore I think it is necessary that we find a more suitable, gun-less, guardian for this boy!"

"I want a single file line to the mic, lemme hear your case!" Yuffie smacked her gavel.

Lightning went first. "Not it."

"Mrs. Richie, how many guns do you own?"

"I have a gun on me at all times. It is also a blade and I have a pouch just for it. Wanna see?"

"No BUT I will keep you in consideration!" Yuffie was impressed with Lightning's crime preparedness.

Hope went next; he was really nervous. "H-h-hi Your Honor, as a fellow shiphile I think with my gogonox I can frorealm the best commemon for Dajh. If you want to see my matcriations I'll have my learguidere faince them to you."

"Hope are you OK!?" they started panicking.

"I think he's having a stroke!" Serah called the paramedics. In a matter of minutes a helicopter came and Hope was tied down and air lifted to the nearest hospital for evaluation.

Snow went up to the mic but was quickly shut down. "Oh ho ho ho no!" Yuffie judged him.

"Your Honor I am a hardworking man with an ability of civility and a knack for snacks!" Snow revealed all the cookies and potato chips he stole before being kicked out.

"ooooh!" Dajh was impressed.

"You ain't got no house!"

Serah really wanted the boy. "Judge Yuffie, I think I'm a suitable pick to be the guardian. I love kids and I work with them at the petting zoo every day! If Dajh becomes my son I'll sing him lullabies every night and feed him animal crackers and string cheese and chocolate milk."

Vanille really didn't want to lose. "Listen, Serah's too soft to raise a kid. He's going to grow up either a weenie or the next Sephiroth, depending on how bad she screws up. If I'm the mama I guarantee you he will be Dr. Dajh or… Chef Dajh. He's just gonna be a doctor that cooks _really good._ I'm talking baby back ribs, spaghetti, cinnamon rolls, bread, apples. You name it. I will sell you Dr. Chef Dajh when he's ready if you give him to me."

"Huh…I'm liking this…" Yuffie knew a personal chef in her new penthouse on top of the pizza would come in handy.

Fang really didn't want Sazh to lose his son. "I think the bigger issue around here are all these conspiracy theories that may or may not be true! Like you Yuffie, word on the street is you're from Zanarkand and trying to bring about the resurrection of Sin."

"What that?"

"And Cloud? Zack's Nobody. When Zack's heart was broken by Shinra his heart split into his Nobody, Cloud, and his heartless, Sephiroth."

"That explains a LOT," Yuffie finally understood everything.

"And don't forget FF6, hidden documents say that Kefka is Terra's son, and she just went to the future because he was a case of Benjamin Button and was indestructible as a baby. Speaking of babies, the FF8 kids. Every single one of them, just babies in teenager suits. Also Vivi is immortal, it's all an act. He pretends to die once a year to keep getting the children's discount at family restaurants. And my boss Electra, she's Lightning from FF13."

"NO. WAY."

"I see what you're doing Fang, a filibuster! Yuffie she's trying to distract you with a filibuster!" Serah realized.

"CECIL IS THE ZODIAC KILLER," Fang finished and waddled away.

"Looks like I have no choice!" Yuffie wrote the verdict down on a piece of paper and handed it to Bailiff Noctis.

"I…can't read this."

"Serah and Vanille are both Dajh's mamas!" Yuffie slammed the gavel.

"Noooooo!" Sazh cried as Noctis lured Dajh into his Audi with some candy, drove him around for a bit, and let him out to join Serah and Vanille as Yuffie had requested.

"Great! Mama #1 lives in a house and Mama #2's stuck in a cardboard box," Vanille was pissed she had to share the prize.

"Who said you're Mama #1?" Serah frowned.

"I am ALPHA and OMEGA, the beginning and the end, the first and the _last_."

"Damn, I gotta check on Hope," Lightning remembered about his stroke and drove down to the hospital in her pink Mustang.

She walked into the Emergency Department and was greeted by Nurse Aeris in triage. "Where is he?"

"Zack is NOT here," Aeris insisted as Zack's Spanish screams could be heard from a trauma room.

"I mean he," Lightning brought the framed photo of Hope in a sailor suit he gave her for her birthday to identify him.

"He's up on the 10nd floor, he just came out of surgery."

Lightning stormed her way up, hit on a few doctors, pick pocketed a few kids, and took a few employee-only elevators all the way to the post-surgery unit.

"How many fingers do you see?" the doc was assessing Hope.

"December."

"What's wrong with him? Is he going to live? His funeral's gonna be crap because of the budget cuts," Lightning asked Dr. Ansem the Wise.

"Good news, it wasn't cancer. Bad news, we had to give him a heart transplant and his spleen accidentally exploded during surgery. You are very lucky Mr. Xemnas, we very rarely have hearts available for transplantation," Dr. Ansem the Wise explained the situation.

"Xemnas? This kid's Hope, we thought he started speaking funny and we thought he had a stroke."

Dr. Ansem the Wise just realized his mistake and went over to the pre-surgery unit to apologize. "Mr. Xemnas, very sorry. I know you were first in line for the heart transplant but someone else got it."

"DARKNESS!" Xemnas cursed.

Hope was discharged and they stopped by an ice cream shop on the way home to celebrate. "I want strawberry," Hope told the ice cream man.

"We're all out."

"Uh…kiwi?"

"We're ALL out. Everything."

Hope cried all the way home and it didn't help that Lightning was playing very depressing piano music. "S-s-since when do you like piano music?" Hope sniffed.

"…Since the budget cuts," Lightning sniffled too.

When they parked back at the farm they could see a fight going on inside. When they entered there was hot sauce and mayonnaise everywhere.

"stop!" Dajh shouted with his outdoor voice.

"Dajh, you're coming with me," Serah wanted him to stay in the cardboard house.

"Nuh uh, Dajh can make his own choices and choose which mama he wants to stay with," Vanille was livid.

"I'm sorry, unless he prefers your alcohol bottles laying all over your house, your weeks worth of unwashed dishes, a rat infestation, some vomit in the corners of your house, and a murder scene in your upstairs attic he's coming with _me_," Serah was fuming.

"Exactly, unless you prefer all of those mentioned above, you would come with me. Not this nasty fool," Vanille retorted.

"I'm nasty? You've been to my cardboard house, it's immaculate," Serah wasn't kidding since there was nothing in it.

"mommy, stop fighting with mommy or I'm going to emancipate myself!"

"Nooo ok we'll stop fighting (for now) we don't want to lose our son," Serah gave up, and that night Dajh slept next to his daddy like he always did.

Next time: The chaos continues!

* * *

I'm back baby and I'm licensed (and hired)! B) Thanks everyone for being patient and I was so happy to see in my stats that there were still so many people reading my fic last month even though I couldn't update :)

The intro to the show I took from a post on tumblr by the user pleasehelpme69 about Kitchen Nightmares. And of course I need to make the disclaimer: Don't drink bleach!

Please review! Thank you CustomEyes and cookiekupo! :D

See you all next time ^_-


	44. Chapter 44: Reality Show Part 2

Chapter 44: Reality Show Part 2

At the start of the new day, everyone sat inside Yuffie's production trailer and helped themselves to the buffet table she had her staff set out.

"Um, do you have any spoons?" Serah had served herself miso soup.

"Who eats soup with a spoon?" Yuffie felt offended.

"That's what _I _said!" Snow narrowed his eyes at Lightning.

FLASHBACK

"_YOU ARE NOT," Lightning could not believe she was witnessing Snow having molten ice cream with chopsticks._

"So how were the ratings?" Vanille was panicking as she snacked on some mochi. "I already bragged about the show to everyone on facebook, it better not be getting canceled. I already signed a brand deal."

"Uh, the only brand deal we've approved of is with Kairi's Kitchen. They're paying a million dollars for a segment on the show," Noctis had already done the paperwork.

"Oh not this crap again!" Sazh shook his head.

"Answer the girl, how were the ratings!?" Fang had no clue what that meant.

"Well, it's not looking too good," producer Noctis retrieved the paperwork from the printer. "It's looking _great_."

"Everyone in the world tuned in onto last night's live episode!" Tidus explained. "Even Lulu and she doesn't even own a TV!" He had gotten a text from her last night that said, "_I want in on that show you're producing._" He replied with, "_Suck my blitzballs!_"

"What are they saying online?" Hope feared for the worst: being called a seahorse, which for some reason was his bullies' insult of choice all throughout high school.

"Lightning is a 'slayer' and Hope is a 'seahorse'?"

"NOOOO!"

"Poifect!" Yuffie got an idea. "Tonight, for our series finale, someone gets _slayed_."

"What kind of a TV series is two episodes long!?" Sazh flipped out.

COMING UP NEXT ON CHOCOBO PRISON *Crazy Chocobo plays* *50 tracks of bomb sounds* "I'M GOING TO CALL THE F%%ING POLICE" *seizure inducing montage of Snow swallowing a hot dog whole intercut with atomic bomb stock footage* "WHAT THE F%%% IS THIS F%%ING GARBAGE?" *Sazh throws plate* *shot is repeated 4 times* "UNF%%%ING BELIEVABLE" *SURROUND SOUND MACHINE GUN SOUNDS* *graphic of Lightning literally throwing a knife at your face* *sound of shattering windows*

One room. Seven people. 1 hour. Six left alive.

"Yeah NO," Sazh shoved Dajh into the vent system of the sterile white deliberation room.

"If I'm the one doing the slaying, I should choose," Lightning insisted. "I choose you!" she through a pokeball at Snow.

"Hey! Why me?"

"You are the LIMELIGHT of destruction."

"Says the woman who only hobbies include hunting bunnies and middle aged men!"

"Says the man whose only talent is swallowing a hotdog whole and gagging it back up."

"Says the chick that can't even move her face…"

"Says the guy whose face is twice the size of a regular person's."

"At least I don't sweeten my coffee with salt!"

"At least I don't bathe in a river and use pinecones for currency."

Noctis interrupted the discussion on the intercom system. "Yeah…we can't be televising a suicide."

Snow panicked. "Hope's going to die of an allergy eventually, maybe is should be him?"

This was the time for Hope to stand up for himself. "I will… smash your face into...into...into a jelly."

"HAHA!" they laughed at him.

Hope tried again. "Your face is stupid like a bitch!"

"Can we quit insulting each other's faces please?" Serah suggested, knowing she'd probably be next with her acne scars.

"Surely," Fang agreed. She got down on one knee and took Lightning's hand. "If I had to describe beauty to a blind person, I would give them your face in braille."

"No one touches me," Lightning tied a scarf over her face for protection.

They got in a line to go up on the makeshift cardboard podium to plead their case.

"Snow can't survive without me! I'm the only reason he doesn't eat toothpaste instead of real food for meals. If I die Snow dies, so if you choose me you're really choosing 2 people, unless you want a 2-for-1 deal," Serah explained.

Snow went next. "You see this?" He pointed to his mouth.

"I don't see sh*t," Lightning still had the scarf over her face. Sazh yanked it off for her. "Ew."

"This is the mouth that kisses Serah hello, goodbye, what's up, and nothin' much everyday. If I die…who would do it for me, with breath as minty as mine?"

"Literally ANYONE but you."

Fang went to the podium. "_Hear thee, hear thee. Fear not, for your Oerban queen has escaped death before and will again. Cry not, for her subjects naught suffer under her dominion, and rejoice, for the time of her reign continues onto the millennium!" _

"This is Cocoon, speak Cocoonese!" they rioted.

"Eh, don't vote for me please," Fang finished.

Sazh went to the podium. "If I die you're all stuck raising a kid that can and will outsmart you in any argument… I'm just saying."

Vanille went next. "If I die, Hope's the only one in charge of the cash register!" was all she had to say. "Also if I die can you please play Britney Spears' _Hit Me Baby One More Time_ at the funeral…and maybe hit me a few times? Make me _**bleed**_, bleed real good."

Hope went to the podium, "I can't die, I haven't been to church in months. I need to confess my sins!"

* * *

"Your cue Granny Yuf," Noctis suggested.

"Who you calling Granny?" Yuffie was in the middle of playing FF14 in the production trailer. "BOY you will heal me when I get hit!"

"But you make me your tank!" Tidus could not keep up with her demands.

* * *

It took her like 40 minutes to show up but Yuffie finally came into the deliberation room for Hope's judgement in her robes. "Tell me all young one."

Hope got down on his knees and faced the holy land of the Forgotten City. "Can you guys please not watch me?"

"Oh, we're watching," Lightning and company stood by with popcorn and lemonade.

Hope sighed. "Last week when we had the Halloween party… I told Zack his beans tasted good even though they didn't."

"No one likes Zack's beans, they taste like athlete's foot!" Yuffie understood. "Don't ask me why I know what athlete's foot tastes like."

"The other day then the bathroom smelled disgusting and I said I didn't know why…it was me!" Hope felt ashamed.

"YOU were the phantom pooper?" Fang was livid. "Yeah, it smelled like sh*t 'cause you did a great job missing the toilet, I found the turd on my face 'cause it fell from the ceiling!"

"I never read the Terms and Conditions!" Hope finished and cried a tear.

"Do us 5 Hail Yuffie's and 10 Our Father Nomura's for your penance," JYK told him. "I forgive you but BOY get a tan, your oyster complexion's your biggest sin!" she left.

"Are we DONE now?" Sazh took charge. "Are we going to kill the ugliest person, the dumbest person, or the poorest person?"

"No fair, that'd be Snow either way!" Serah exclaimed. "No offense babe…"

"None taken!" Snow was happy somebody was finally sticking up for him. "Hey hey, why don't we settle this with a little… democracy?"

They were sent pieces of paper, a crayon, and a bowl through the tube system.

* * *

Lightning: The only reason I wake up in the morning is to get closer to the day that bandanna ass egg head quits licking my sister's face like an anteater and if today is that day I have lived my life. *puts vote in bowl*

Serah: Sorry babe, but my life would be so much easier if you quit peeing in the sink. *puts vote in bowl*

Sazh: Haha! I'm voting for Snow 'cause we only got enough wood for a child's size coffin and I'm ready for some tetris! *slam dunks vote into bowl*

Fang: I don't care, just NOT me. *places vote in bowl*

Hope: My mom will kill me if I die! *writes "snoe" on paper and places into bowl*

Snow: They're all voting for me aren't they!? Well, if I can't beat them… *votes for self and places into bowl*

Vanille: Screw Serah and her one-sided pigtail, I have twice the amount of pigtails and SHE'S the one who gets all the compliments! *places vote into bowl*

* * *

Dajh crawled back in through the vents to announce the votes from the bowl. "snow, snow, snow, snow-"

"Dear lord blease," Snow prayed on his knee caps.

"snow, snow, sewah."

"Well it's unanimous! You want the blade or the bullet?" Lightning was ready.

"What, you voted for Serah to be slayed!? What's wrong with you!" Fang figured. "That girl cleans the sink every time you pee in it and that's how you repay her!?"

Serah could not effin' believe this. "YOU DID!? EVERYDAY I clean that sink!"

"I swear, I didn't!" Snow was getting cornered into the corner of the white room.

"You're telling us you voted for yourself then? We aren't stupid!" Sazh said. "Well, Hope is but."

Vanille squinted her eyes, rose her eyebrows, and giggled. "Hehehehehe…"

They had decided to kill Snow by the pond, as per the tradition "started" by Chocobo Bill. They pushed him in and surrounded the body of water to ensure no escape.

"Shoot him!"

"Stab him!"

"Slay him!"

* * *

"Are we _really_ doing this?" Noctis had to manually zoom-in all the cameras remotely to focus onto the scene from all angles. "Does Snow know he has a cheese stick stuck to the back of his head?"

"Yes and it's beautiful don't be a hater," Yuffie got defensive.

* * *

And just like that…Snow was slain by Lightning the SlAyE r. How did he die you ask? The footage was too graphic to televise, but eyewitness accounts claim that a toilet plunger was involved.

"What's our budget?" Serah was left to plan for her now late husband's funeral.

"$16.35."

"Ok… that'll get us like 2 flowers and half a cake," Sazh figured as he started down at Snow's still body floating upright in the pond.

A red car drifted the premises at 200 mph. "More like 2.8 cakes," Kairi's Kitchen arrived onto the scene

"GREAT. You're just in time. Dig us our grave Riku," Lightning handed him a spoon.

Riku held onto the spoon with his mouth open. "I don't know what to ask first, why a teaspoon or why a grave?"

"Why the ankle belts? There's a lot of questions better left unanswered maggot," Lightning also handed him a fork.

Vanille stood by with a bitch face as she watched Riku dig a 7-foot grave with a teaspoon and fork. "Is there something wrong with Riku's digging?" Hope noticed.

"I don't have a date to the funeral."

"Uh, you got me?"

"I said date, not dead weight!"

"I got those too!" Hope revealed the mini perfume set he for some reason bought with his last paycheck.

* * *

Yuffie, Noctis, and Tidus were rioting in the production trailer trying to hunt down a date for Vanille.

"BOY I will pay you in pokemon cards if you come date this girl. She's _barely_ legal," Yuffie was trying to bribe Cloud.

"She's a ginger," Noctis was trying to convince one of his friends to come. "No, not the hot one; that's Lightning my boss. Yeah, the one with the boots with the fur."

Tidus slammed his flip phone shut and jumped onto the table. "You will NOT believe who I got!"

* * *

YuNoTi set up a romantic dinner table by the pipes behind the house. The water was leaking and it smelled like mold. Vanille sat by, twiddling her thumbs as she waited for her date to show up.

A male figure peaked through the horizon. It took him like forty minutes to actually get to her since the farm's on a god forsaken prairie meaning the horizon's like 10 miles away.

"You're late," Vanille greeted him.

"Better late than never," Noel Kreiss joined her at the dinner table.

"But never late is better."

They sat by just staring at each other, having no clue what to say. The only thing that could be heard was Lightning and Serah arguing from inside the house.

"We are NOT putting a dunce hat on him!" Serah was decorating Snow for the body viewing with her sister.

"Yes we are."

"OK, it's either the dunce hat or the clown shoes, not both," Serah compromised.

"Dammit," Lightning didn't want to give up the clown shoes.

Kairi came to the dinner table dressed in Dolce and Gabbana. "Uh, today's special is a 15 course meal courtesy of my Kitchen. The theme is ."

"What."

"Some dessert to start you off," Kairi handed them churros. "Bon Ape Tit!" she ran away.

"Uh, I think she forgot to cook them," Noel knocked on the frozen churros.

"Aren't you supposed to be DEAD? I thought I killed you until you died," Vanille crossed her arms.

"Aren't YOU supposed to be in prison? But to answer your question, yes! I am! I had to get an entire intestinal transplant since you sliced me through the bowels and the hospital bills made me file for bankruptcy but Noel Kreiss isn't a quitter and don't think I'm not staying for the entire 15 course meal," Noel whipped out a belt and tied himself to the leg of the table.

"AHHH!" Vanille screamed.

* * *

"I've made a terrible mistake!" Tidus regretted tracking down Noel as he watched their extremely awkward date unfold. "This is worse than the time Yuna made me go on a date with Lulu for Mother's Day!"

* * *

"Uh, do you like Gackt?" Noel tried to converse.

"Is that a band or a song?"

"It's a… man…"

Kairi came out with the 2nd course. "Peanut butter meatballs, enjoy!"

"What."

"Are these just meatballs rolled in peanut butter?" Noel tried one. "I'M GONNA PUKE." He untied the belt that bound him to the date and ran to the bathroom.

Vanille waited until he was out of sight. "Kairi, bring out the last 13 courses right now, PLEASE!"

Kairi panicked and went to tell Sora in the kitchen (since Riku was stuck diggin' the grave). "We gotta finish everything right now Sora!"

"AH!" he stopped the spaghetti tacos he was working on and scrambled to get 13 courses out on the table.

Noel barely had time to sit his butt back down when Kairi and Sora came out with a cart of food. "Did you enjoy your opening appetizers?" Sora asked since they tried really hard on them.

"I puked up _blood_," Noel was still wheezy.

"Say that to my face you peasant."

Kairi set down the 13 dishes: the spaghetti tacos, a slice of day-old pizza, beef jerky, milk with cookies, one olive, boiled bananas, toast, mac and cheese, a raw potato, watermelon pie, and slices of Mexican cheese.

Noel was a man of his word and ate every single nasty thing Kairi had forced upon him. "That waS GreAt tHAnks," he finished and bounced.

Vanille went back inside the house to dress for the funeral. "How was the date with Noel!?" Hope was excited for her.

"It was ok."

They ended up having to tape several cardboard boxes together to make a box big enough for Snow's body. Sazh and Fang placed the box on a wheelbarrow and hauled it next to the grave outside. Serah stood by the grave dressed in a black garbage bag since she didn't own any black clothing. "WE'RE STARTING!" she yelled at Lightning to come outside.

Lightning came dressed for the red carpet in a black Versace dress she may or may not have stolen. She stopped at the grave and Noctis handed her an Oscar for "Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role" for her murder of Snow whilst Tidus took the press photos. "Gimme more booty!"

"I know this is the best day of your life but are we DONE?" Sazh stood at the podium as the photoshoot dragged on for 10 whole minutes. "We are here to commemorate our fallen comrade, Snow Troy Baker Villiers, as we remember his life and the face palms he always gave us."

A slideshow projected on the grass started playing. It showed photos of Snow and gang throughout the years.

"Aww, that's the time he broke his leg trying to open a jar of pickles for me," Serah teared up at the photo of her sitting next to him in the Emergency Room.

"Crikey, that's the time he tricked me into eating grass!" Fang laughed at the photo of him giving her a funky looking salad.

"Ugh, that's the time he pulled my pants off at the community swimming pool," Hope cringed at the photo that they unnecessarily left uncensored.

"Ha, that's the time I pawned him to pay my mortage," Lightning laughed at the photo of Snow trapped inside a pawn shop.

"Ooh, that's the time he went with me to Sephora when no one else wanted to!" Vanille fondly smiled at the photo of him trying on all the lipsticks for her so she wouldn't risk getting mono.

"Hey, that's the time Snow dressed up as Santa Claus for Dajh!" Sazh smiled, but cringed a little at the photo of Snow looking like a young, homeless Saint Nic.

"NO OH OH!" Serah cried as Riku descended the box into the grave using a homemade pulley system.

Together they all shoveled the dirt over the coffin and placed his tombstone reading: "Here lies Snow. Not a girl, not yet a woman."

* * *

"And CUT!" Yuffie made her crew stop the filming.

"SH*T!"

"FRICK."

"OH MY GOD." They all panicked and quickly undug the grave and lifted the box out.

Serah stabbed the box open with a butcher knife. "SNOWEY BEAR!"

"SEEEEEEERAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"It was fun while it lasted," Lightning had to once again see Snow lick her sister's face like an anteater.

They went inside the house to celebrate Snow's undeath with leftover food from Vanille and Noel's date.

Yuffie hugged them all. "If I could I would quit my show and film this for the rest of my life."

"Please don't," they had enough of the 24/7 cameras.

"So…are we going to get some kind of compensation? Like… therapy?" Hope was scarred for life.

"You calling me cheap?" Yuffie was offended. "Your gift is coming… in 6-8 weeks!"

"GIFT?"

"But there's 7 of us!"

"You'll have to share it but it's beautiful, I promise!" Yuffie put on her sunglasses and walked out of their lives.

They were surprisingly enjoying the nasty food, except for Serah. "BABE, what's wrong? I'm not dead!" Snow tried to cheer her up with some tap dancing.

"But all this talk about funerals, what if one of us actually died?" Serah wondered as she mindlessly munched on expired beef jerky.

"You mean, what if Light died?" Snow asked.

"BITCH, I'm eternal," Lightning overheard.

Serah stood up. "But if you did, who gets what? The chocobos? Your jewels? Your house? Your castle in Thailand? Your husband?"

"Easy," Lightning swallowed the frozen churro she was working on. "Chocobos go to Sazh, House goes to Fang. Vanille gets my jewels, Hope gets my castle, and Laguna's all yours Serah."

"Eh hem?" Snow coughed.

"You get… my bills."

"DANG IT!"

Next time: Lightning gets scammed!

* * *

Thank you all for your patience, from now on I am asking to stay patient with me. OTL

This fic is almost done though, 2 more chapters, ah!

Thank you so much CustomEyes, MethaS, and cookiekupo for your reviews. It means so much to me! :D

See you all next time! ^_^


End file.
